Kwanzaa | Nia | Purpose

 Nia means Purpose 

"To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness."

So actually I was rereading the prior year's post. What hit home so much is how much we've changed within a year's time.  

Before he valued me, loved me, respected me and gave me purpose. He gave me the want to want to be a better woman. 

What's crazy. Within a year it dwindled down to nothing. He turned into a whole different person. While I was trying o love him with all my heart. I was losing sight on my own purpose and slowly was losing control and couldn't figure out how to get back on the track. While this all was happening. He was losing and missing out on my purpose, on why I mattered, on how much I used to mean to him. That hurts to see that happen. He wanted to throw away my purpose that I worked so hard for and rebuild it to something he found more appeasing to him. That's not how it works. That's now how it SHOULD work. 

When I say purpose I don't mean he's a man he can mow the lawn. Or I'm the woman and I can make his dinner. No. it's that purpose when the world is going all types and level of wrong and just thinking about him or seeing him makes it alright. His hugs and kisses make things better. His affection fills me up with joy. He makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want our relationship to work, thrive and become something beautiful. It's that kind of purpose. And we've lost it at some point. Whether by miscommunication, time not spent or what have you. It's so hard to catch up and try to get it back. I'll be honest and say I miss it a lot. I miss telling him good morning and to have a good day. I miss those love notes he used to write me. I miss hugs and kisses I miss all of that. 

And to fall out of love with someone you love so much is so fucking hard. Like its frustrating as hell. But it's like nothing I say or do can change who he's become. However I hope that once this is all said done. Maybe one day he can remember my purpose. And if we're not together I hope he can learn from this and treat the next girl better. 

 

Kwanzaa | Kuumba | Creativity

 Kuumba means Creativity

"To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it."

As with a lot of relationships after a while of being together you guys lose sight on creativity within the relationship. Yeah it can get boring and stale and will even drag on and feel like a boring routine. But you've got to be creative and do things you've never done before to keep it exciting. My boyfriend was fun in the beginning and we had a blast! But then we got comfortable and that comfortability turned to boredom. We just sat around each other just to be sitting around each other. We didn't work on changing things. Then it got to the point he didn't want to do anything. No outings or dates. No more watching movies or TV together. It was just I’mma sit here and watch football games all day and you're gonna sit here with me and enjoy it. Well I don't want to. I like sports but I don't want to spend the whole day watching football games all day long. Maybe for an hour or two or let's watch a movie or something else. I even get turned off when he says oh you're making me miss the game. No I’m not. So I go upstairs to watch tv here he comes and it's like this back and forth I gotta do what you think is fun. Ok and I will but not excessively to the point I'm bored and can't entertain myself in another activity. 

Here's the gist! It doesn't have to be expensive date or fancy flowers or even some outrageous declaration of love and affection. It can be a picnic in the park or even an outing to the mall. It’s the effort that counts the most. But it’s like once someone gets comfortable the creativity stops and becomes a boring routine. Honestly I miss his creativity. The random love notes he wrote were the best. It wasn’t Shakespeare but I love them anyway because he cared about me enough to convey those feelings on paper. But it’s like I’ll ask if I need to get flowers to keep me from being mad at him. I want you to do it because you want to. Not because you had to or was trying to find a resolution.

 

So don’t miss out on someone great because you think doing something is corny or a waste of time. It’s the little things that counts and makes them happy & love you even more. So for 2017 be creative!

 

 

Kwanzaa | Ujamaa | Cooperative Economics

 Ujamaa means Cooperative Economics

"To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together"

Even though this is meant strictly for business and profit within the community. It has some involvement to a relationship. We have to build and maintain our own in order to profit from them together. With a relationship you have to do that to not only keep the love and cherishment strong but to continue to grow as a couple and become more profitable each day. Not in just money but in love, support and family ties. 

I can say we lack that. I want that. I really do. But I can't work alone. This is a team effort. Like I said before he can't even help me out when I need it. Or do things for me when I ask. It's like he wants me to work with him and it be profitable to him and only him. I shouldn't want or need the same thing. I guess I should want for nothing. But what bothers me is that he wants to get married and spend the rest of our days together. But all I see is him being uncooperative as my husband. He won't be able to be my support, to be there for me—I don't even trust that he could make a sound decision for me if it were LIFE and death and I couldn't make that decision on my own. I feel we will never be that close or ever reach that point to be a strong team. All because he doesn't trust me enough and doesn't love me enough.....he doesn't care enough. 

That's what hurts so much...

 

 

 

Kwanzaa | Ujima | Collective Work & Responsibility

 Ujima means Collective Work & Responsibility

"To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together."

This one is HUGE. Or at least it is to me. I feel like in my relationship my boyfriend lacks this a lot. Now don't get the wrong idea—I'm not bashing him. But I'm pointing out things I've noticed that bother me that I hope helps someone else figure their relationship or give that missing piece to the puzzle. I've looked all over the Internet to figure out our problems and nothing. Friends tell me to leave him alone which is what I want to do. And he wants to make it work but we're stuck in a loophole and can't seem to get out of it. 

So with that. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He plays it off. Says it wasn't him, or I'm making stuff or I've mistaken him for another bloke. And I haven't. But also on the same token I'm one for blame as well. I didn't take responsibility to voice how I felt and felt that if I ignored it or do small punishments (like not talking to him) that would solve the problem as well. But it didn't. So unfortunately he still won't own up to his actions which is going to constantly be an issue for me. And me now voicing how I feel is a problem to him as well. It can be worked on and fixed. But he's not willing to say oh yeah I messed up or I shouldn't have said that I'm sorry—instead of placing the blame on me and getting out of being blamed. 

Within that relationship flaw. We don't work together well. I try make his problems my problem and figure out. But he's not so considerate of me. I remember once a few months back I needed money to park like a few dollars. He told me no and to not buy lunch. I told him I don't have enough money to park let alone to buy lunch. And he says not his problem. Then there's riding my car until it's empty and refuses to fill it up. But when he would ride me around I always gave him $20 or $40. Because I know that's a cost and it's expensive. But I don't get the same consideration back. Hell we went on a "date" the other night and he borrowed the money from me to take me out and promised to pay me back and hasn't. Probably never will. I'm not ok with that. Because when something serious comes along I already know I can never depend on you. 

 

Wronger

Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia | Self-Determination

Kujichagulia means Self Determination. 

"To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves."

I think a lot of times in a relationship the sense of self goes to the back burner. Then being too self aware compromises the relationship as well. Here's what I mean. With my boyfriend I noticed that I was trying so hard to be something he wanted and liked that I for went being myself. Being Bunny. So when he finally saw the real me and saw my ugly side. It wasn't what he liked. And he was disgusted. And still gets his boxers in a bunch over it. But because I did that short moment of being something else. He got comfortable and used to "her" so to speak. Which is wrong. But he also wanted to fix the "real me" and mold me like play doh and be something I wasn't comfortable with and if I didn't speak up when I did about it, we were going  o continue to have an issue. 

However on the same token; he's too self aware. It's like to his disadvantage because he doesn't want to change or make room for improvements. He's like something you get on clearance at a store that's going out of business. You don't know it's broken until you get home and open it up the next day. And you can't take it back or change it and it's like well you accept it as is, put it in storage somewhere or throw it away. Don't get me wrong. I love and care about him. But there's a lot he needs to improve and change as a person to make our relationship work that he's not willing to do. Because he's comfortable and he makes it well known you have to accept that. Like getting a new job is something he wants to do but doesn't because he's comfortable but complains the job doesn't pay enough. But knows that with us and the kids more money is needed. No matter what motivation I give to him he doesn't budge or change or pep up—NOTHING. I'm fine with him changing when he wants to and feels most comfortable. However in a relationship there's many changes and we need to continue to build the relationship to something we not only invested in but what we love, cherish and can be a lasting memory. 

So I think it's good to be aware or self. But not too much that you compromise the relationship. Also on the same token not forget who you are as an individual. I think that's a major role in a relationship and has the most impact on whether the relationship survives or dies. 

 

Kwanzaa Trivia

So I also came across some tidbits for Kwanzaa and I thought oh hey! Let's share this too! I know there's a lot of people unsure about Kwanzaa and the whole meaning so I want you all aware of what's going on too and not be left in the dark or out in left field somewhere. So I hope you like it as much as I do! 

 

Kwanzaa | Umoja | Unity

 So today is the first day of Kwanzaa (Happy Kwanzaa!) and this year what I wanted to do was make this a personal experience like I did a few years ago. 

This time around it's going to be based on my encounter with relationships, love and all that other goodness that comes with being in a partnership with someone else. 

Umoja means Unity! 

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Now one thing I've learned with being in this relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2years is that we lack Unity. Or at least consistent unity. Some days we are unified and other days we aren't. He thinks it's all my fault, but I know it's his fault. Why do you ask?? How do I know?? Because besides him not telling me where he lives or honestly tell me where he is or what his plans for the days are or this stragglers of text messages here and there and 2-3 days later. None of that is me sir. I'm making the effort to save our relationship and make it work. But I can't give 100% for both us and you giving me a -80%. It's not good and it isn't healthy. 

What makes it worst is that there's a poor baby involved. That was created in a unified moment I might add which is now like the worst thing to ever happen to him (even though he has 3 other kids; whom I haven't met) I might add. Regardless of how he feels I made the choice to keep the baby because I felt my child shouldn't have two shitty parents. One's enough. Through this back and forth and arguments all the time—we lost our unity. I doubt we can ever get it back. He still pulls away and no matter how hard I fight to get close to him he pushes me away. "It's none of my business." Well ok. I'm going to fallback. Focus on me and my job. And prepare for my baby. What's really ironic when I say we need more unity within our relationship, he calls it kissing my ass. No it's not kissing my ass. I'm just trying to get along with you. 

We've talked on it. Because I told him we needed to break up. It's not working. I can't deal with the sneakiness and lies and dishonesty. Him treating me like I'm only important when he wants to use me basically. I understand he has kids and I understand he works and can be busy. However if I can work 2-3 jobs and still find a few moments to text him and see how his day is or how he's doing. Then dammit I expect the same courtesy in return. Even though he thinks we're not breaking up. Though we are—I know now if unity is lacking then the relationship will never succeed or progress. It was built on a weak foundation and will fall to the ground on those same foundations. I'm not going to continue to rebuild my side and he's just shoving a bandaid here and there and telling me yeah I fix it too and as soon as shit starts hitting the fan and falling apart, it's all my fault. 

A car isn't going to run unless all the parts are running in unison. Then there's your part of filling it up with fuel. And you need to work to get money to get the fuel. All that process though it's long and drug out. It's the unity that makes the vehicle go, that gets you where you need to go and where you want to go—hell even to places you've never been before! Every little bit counts. And always will. 

Quite honestly I'm tired of always being stuck on the side of the road because he's not doing his fair share or lies about doing it. 

I'm ready to hitch hike and leave him where he's at doing whatever it is he's doing. 

If I decide later on down the road that I want to be in another relationship. That is going to be the first thing we have a conversation on. If we can't be unified sir we can't continue this charades. I do not have the time and I've got better things to do than play and chase you. That's what pets are for—OK!! No more benefits of the doubt,  being in denial, or hoping tomorrow it will change and go away. 

That one little simple gesture of unity can go a long way in a relationship and within a family. 

 

Happy Kwanzaa Everyone!!

 

So I just wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday season!! And you know me I live for this time of year mostly for Kwanzaa lol. I love the others too. But Kwanzaa means a lot to me. 

Anyway this year I wanted to be more specific and make this another personal Kwanzaa. Because there's still a lot of things I want to change or at least promote change in my life and hopefully make a better future. We all have things or even resolutions if you will that we want to implement into our lives to have a better tomorrow, a better year and even a new and improved self as well! It shouldn't be a once a year thing. It should be all the time! There's always room for improvement and that's what I'm aiming to do. Especially since I'll be heading into my 30s this upcoming year too. 

So let's get the celebration on!! 

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas  and happy holiday season!!

merry christmas pictures

What My Boyfriend Doesn't Understand

 

Morning Fail

This is the level I'm trying to get on lol 

 

As The Carrot Turns

Trying to escape the fuckery of 2016 like:if I fits; I zips!

A Bamboo'd Love Affair

 

Hi kids!



I can't sleep so I might well get this off my mind and that might help bring the slumber.




So as you all know I love house plants. After my cats killed them all except for two bamboos. I haven't really done live plants since. Just flowers every now and then. So the last bamboo I had which is 4years old and a trooper! Is actually at the moment dying. I've tried everything possible to keep the bamboo alive because it meant the world to me that it was still living and going strong after the kitty tornado wreaked havoc in my house lol. What's sad is that it's dying from the middle. The leaves and the rest of the stalk is green and healthy. But the middle is yellowing, browning and dying slowly.


Looking at the poor bamboo reminded me of my relationship. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and means the world to me. But lately, he's been a real dick to me. He's hurt me, pushed me away, called me names and disrespected me in so many ways possible that I cannot tolerate it. This past Saturday we had another big fight and he went so far to tear the decorations off my tree and throw them at me. All I could do is stand there watching our relationship die from the inside out and no matter what I did or do I can't save it anymore. I can't hold on anymore. And even though he won't let go....I've got to. Because holding on will just make matters worse and we both end up unhappy.

I don't want to argue or fight. I don't want to listen to how I'm not what he wants and how he needs to fix me. How he's secretive and dishonest with me. Excuses and bullshit all around. I'm tired. And I can't love someone who can't even be considerate enough to love me enough to not hurt me.


His love is like that bamboo. I hate to part with it. And the time I invested into it feels like a waste and I just can't bring myself to let go. But I know if I continue to hold on to it....it's going to rot. It can't be saved or fixed. There's not enough love or nurture left in me to save something that's already dead from the inside. Even though this maybe the hardest thing I have to do right know. I know I have to. I have to do what's best for me and my interests. I refuse to be happy, I don't want to regret being in a relationship I'm not happy about. I don't want to hold on to dying plant that can't be revived or recovered.


I'll still have my memories. All the great, fun and awesome times me and him spent together. I'll even have our child too. But we just don't work anymore. We're like oil and water and will never meant to mix no matter how hard we try.


Just like that bamboo, no matter how much I love it and enjoyed it's company all these years. I have to let go and get rid of it too.

One day I hope to get a new bamboo or two.


But another love affair, I don't think I have any love left or muster up the strength to do it again. Least I know with the bamboo as long as I love and nurture that plant it will grow and blossom. I don't have that guarantee loving another person. They're like an oak tree—weak, fragile and undependable.

Cold Kisses & Warm Blessings

Hey kids!



Since I'm still up thought I jot down a few thoughts for you lol


I do want to say Happy December!! I hope this is a great month for you guys & dolls. And make it count! This is the end of 2016! So you definitely want to start 2017 off with not only a bang but on a good note.



Well as you may or may not know. Me and my boyfriend been fighting off and on. And it's more than just the trivial coupling. We just don't mesh anymore like we used to.

Anyway the other night I get off work and as I was going home I noticed I need gas for my car. But the little money I had I needed for my bus fare to work. As I drove I thought how nice it would be to have a boyfriend I could ask hey can I borrow $10 for gas?? I'll pay you back. But the lord said unto me:


Girl you know damn well that motherfucker ain't going to give you any money. Remember when you needed money to park and he told you that you shouldn't have brought food to save money?? Yeah. He ain't gonna do shit. But don't worry baby girl. You know I got you ma



So I went home and as I sulked about. I went to get the mail and notice one of the letters I got was a check! It was only $15 but honestly I was so happy and appreciative! I went and cashed it. Brought some dinner and put gas in my car. Plus that night the server gave me free fries with my food too! I was so happy!


So happy to the point I decided I would break up with my boyfriend!


I love him and care about him a lot. And things weren't always rough. We were always fighting and at each other's necks. Things were great. But after this whole pregnancy ordeal and him acting like a complete ass. I can't deal anymore. He doesn't want to help me or be supportive or even check to see if I'm ok or not. But expects me to do all that for him and then some. I refuse to do that anymore.


So he texted me that night asking how my day went. I told him it was great. Then I asked if I could see him at some point when he got the time. He asked if it was something bad. Honestly I just wanted to talk about the break up. In person. So I asked what he meant by that. And he says:

"You might got a new friend and you trying to call it quits with me"


I told him for the millionth time that I didn't have another boyfriend. But I did want to break up. Which he didn't take too lightly and was upset. Basically tried to blame it all on me. But at the moment I didn't care. I'm tired. I don't want to fight and argue and wonder what importance I am in your life. Then on top of that to compete for love and affection. I expressed how I felt to him for the millionth time. The next morning he texted me and hoped that I would reconsider the break up. I did tell him I WOULD tough it out until the end of the month it come January we're thru.

I talked to him the other night and he was talking about us having dinner last night. But got mad when I wouldn't tell him how much I love him. Didn't hear from him or see him. Oh well.


I don't want to have to give him the cold shoulder and end something that could've had some potential in the silver linings. But I can't take the mistreatment any longer. I also don't want to raise a kid in that kind of environment. I don't want my daughter thinking men are suppose yell and tell her she's a horrible person and be unsupportive of her dreams and successes. I don't want my son thinking that's how you be a man: disrespect women, call her out your name, use her for money, sex and mere entertainment. No. I don't want my kid growing up and thinking that's how it's suppose to be. I want to raise a good person. Someone who will grow up in the world and make someone else's son/daughter not only proud but happy.


So we shall see how the rest of the month plays out. I won't take this as a negative thing. It was a lesson that brought blessings.


And I would do it all over again too.



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A Tinkerbell

Keep Calm & November

Hi kids!!



It's been forever right??

I've missed you guys and dolls so much! You all don't know how many days I needed to talk to you well mostly vent. But couldn't since I was so busy.



So quick update!



I had to go check and hadn't realized I haven't posted something since August! Damn. Sorry about that. Around that time I had started a second job. So I was working 16hours a day. From 7am to 11pm. Honestly I was tired and exhausted. All just I can afford to live. How lame is that?

In the midst of all this I've been getting the runaround basically. On whether I'm pregnant or not. I got sick and was in and out of the hospital a lot. And the doctors told me yes I was pregnant. To no I'm not pregnant. Yo I have a yeast infection which is caused by my having to pee so much, which is caused by my backache which I hurt at work for heavy lifting (I work in a call center calling people or taking calls). Oh! And I've gained weight for over eating (didn't know one meal a day and a two snacks was over eating). But yet my tummy is growing. My clothes don't fit. And I never had a yeast infection.

But with all of that. My boyfriend of almost two years. Still feels it's not his, it wasn't him and he wants nothing to do with it. What's crazy he was here with me at my house for a whole month which is the same time I got pregnant so I couldn't cheat if I'm with you 24/7.... we worked together so yeah. I'll be honest I love him to death and he means the world to me. But it's like me getting pregnant has ruined everything—for him. It's like sir we're both grown and know what we getting ourselves into. Don't act like this is something new for you. Especially since he has 3 kids already. So not only has he been an ass about that issue. He's been very inconsistent, shady and just horrible to me. Like he did a full 360 on me with his personality. All I can think of if we did get married is this how you gonna act with me? Leaving and not telling me where you're going, little to no contact, I gotta keep asking you to do something for me or listen to you bitch or tell me it's not your responsibility. You're mad I'm pregnant. He even got mad when I got the second job saying I wasn't making enough time for him. Even mad now I got a new job. It's like what the fuck. I bust ass and do everything for him but I can't even get him to be considerate of me, my feelings or my needs. So I've reached the end of my rope where I care about him but I can't imagine being in this relationship another year. Especially if he's going to continue to keep things from me. And disrespect my child. Hell I haven't even met his kids. And he acts like he doesn't want me. Like I feel like he purposely keeps me out of his life. So I just can't anymore. I'm too tired to deal with the nonsense.


So between his bullshit, and the bullshit from both jobs. I was stressed beyond belief. Then my uncle died unexpectedly. And my aunt his wife turned into a real douchebag. Between not telling me how sick he was, how and when he died to not even giving me the correct info on his funeral. It was trying time believe you me.


But I decided to quit my morning job I had for a whole year. And in the midst of that I got offered for a job at the IRS. One I've been trying to get for years. And I couldn't be happier. It's a good job with good benefits and decent pays. And opens a VAST DOORS of opportunity for me. That's what I need. That's what my unborn child needs. I want to be in the position to take care of myself, my household and still provide a decent lifestyle with no issues or struggles. Which as my boyfriend says makes no sense. And it would've been best to stay at my other job. Yeah $9 an hour isn't going to help with my expenses. But $16 will. I need good benefits. If I'm able to get an even better job then that's a perfect start. Since he feels I don't have any responsibilities. That's cool. I still have a house, a car, two cats and a baby to care for. And whatever I do shouldn't matter since he's not helping me. Oh and to top it all off my second job I was working nights, forced me to quit because I got a new job and they were pissed.



SO!


Got a new job. That I love and happy to have. Regardless of what the doctors and hospitals say, I'm not getting karate kicked in the gut for nothing. I know there's something in there and I can feel it. And food cravings are a bitch. Why would I want bacon flavored broccoli covered in cheese mid day while learning about my new job??? Hell tonight I wanted a milkshake!! Last week I was on a shredded wheat kick—it's been a pain in my ass. My jeans don't fit. Even the ones I had for YEARS! I tried on my old scrubs pants. I had those when I was a serious fattie those are getting tight. So how is it that pants I wore last week or two weeks ago don't fit this week? My feet are swollen that I needed to buy new shoes. Lets not start on the break out going on with my face. Hell its 3am and I want to eat. But I had a big dinner. Plus my nails and hair have been growing like crazy! My hair is down to my shoulders it was super short 6 months ago! Well I will say, I hope for a little girl. That would be nice. But I'll also be happy with a boy. I do hope my baby is happy & healthy. And they know how much I truly love them. And I'm working hard to take care of us.


But now that I do have a new job! I do have extra time. I have been knitting a lot lately. I would like to make a blanket. Still figuring that one out. That means I will also have time to spend with you guys and dolls and my friends too! And I'm so excited. Even with my job that is seasonal. I'm permanent and will always have a job but I will have a life and be closer to home and can always get another job if needed and that's a plus!


So I'm alive and kicking and doing just find kids.

You'll be hearing more from me as well!


So stay tuned! I'll have plenty of stories to tell you.


Did I mention my hair is back to being burgundy?? Lol

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Somedays

The Hardest Decision (...Ever)

Hi kids!!

Long time no see huh? 

I've been a busy bunny. I'm working two jobs now from 7am to 11pm. Been doing so for a month now and it's exhausting but the hard work is worth it. I see it paying off and that's got me super excited.  

However at the moment I'm beyond tired and exhausted. I feel like death is rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear lol. I ended up with a sinus infection. That's been kicking my ass like crazy! I had a headache all day yesterday and could barely get out of bed. Sore throat and no chance of breathing through my nose. It's been a sucky last couple days. But because of going to the ice cold offices and then to the blazing heat outdoors. It's got me all types of messed up. 

But that's not what I wanted to talk about though. 

So currently. I'm also not in my best potential as myself. Because right now it's a mystery if I'm pregnant or not. I mentioned it awhile back. But then I took a few tests who told me NOT PREGNANT in big bold letters. But yet I'm nauseated, my feet and ankles are swollen, I have to pee constantly, I have a vomit session here and there. And I just feel weird. I don't feel like myself. At first I didn't notice until one day I had this abrupt mood swing and was agitated at everything. Now I'm like well. So I took two more test at the end of July. One was a negative. The other a faint positive. 

It's not so much being pregnant that concerns me. It's the fact how this will affect so many lives and things that concerns me. 

My baby's father who's also my boyfriend and have been for almost two years now. Feels it's not his baby. He used a condom and that's that. Ok. Well sometimes condoms don't work. Personally if one was used, it wasn't put on correctly. We both were drunk off our asses and could barely walk a straight line and yet you could functionally put a condom on no problems. Which then turned into he didn't come that night at all. So it can't be his baby. It's gotta be someone else's. Ok so the last person I had sex with prior to him was my ex. Which was a whole year prior to when we had sex a few months ago. 

Didn't matter. Still not his baby. Which then came the whole you're trying to trap me bullshit and you probably saved some of the semen to wipe it in yourself. You know how fucked up it is to have someone you love and care about talk to you like you're a common whore and it was a one night stand type gig?? Like are you serious?? So then it's like well you might as well consider abortion. I'm like why would you say some fucked up shit like that?? Why would you say abort our baby?? Which he retorted: Not my baby. Gotcha. 

So. The last time we talked about it I got agitated and said well fuck it. I'll just abort it and I don't have to listen to your mouth anymore. Then he says no, don't do that. You should keep it. Why am I keeping a baby if you think it's not yours?? He says well there might be a possibility it's mine and you shouldn't abort our baby. But you said you don't think it's yours. He replied well no I don't. But if there's a possibility it is then we should keep it.  Uh-huh. 

So now I'm debating if I want the baby or not. I think it's fucked up to abort the baby because they don't fit my lifestyle right now and will make things difficult for me. However I don't want to be stuck and he's on some dumb bullshit. Yeah I know another kid for him is an expense. I know that. But I'm not trying to trap him or force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But I shouldn't be inconvenience as well. I don't have a support system. My parents are gone and I'd be force to pay for daycare and a babysitter and everything else on my own. But in the event that becomes too expensive I'd half to be a stay at home mom which would be a pain. Because that means no income. Maybe some help from the welfare office. And he's over in his corner turning up still talking about how he's not the daddy. 

But I also hope that I have enough time to do an abortion if I decide to take that road. It's been 3 months since my last period. And I've missed before. But I've never been sick or this uncomfortable either. 

So now I have to make a decision if I want to keep the baby and be a single a mom always struggling, constantly inconvenienced. Or if I want to get rid of the baby, keep him and make him happy, but always wonder what if or eventually regret it in the long run. 

Probably by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I really don't know what to do. Above all else I'm so scared to be doing this on my own anyway.  

So I hope my visit to the doctors will shed some light on my decision...

Knight In Shining Armor

Welcome To StepMommyhood

So because life will always have a plot twist things will always change or never be what they seem. 

With that being said. I decided to take time out to get this off my mind. 

So I know I've said it time and time again that I would never date a man with kids ever again. I would say that line until I'm blue & purple in the face. Why? Because I "dated" or (what is known in my generation as) hooked up with men before who were dads. Now they weren't father of the year. Some were decent fathers, some were down right horrible. Others just wanted to have their dessert buffet (variety of women) with no commitments to anyone really. I've even been put in the position where I too was forced to ride the coat tail or apron strings of the Baby Mama because he demanded that from me because I wanted to be in a relationship with him. So that meant whatever the baby mama said—went. No questions asked. And I better not oppose this position. So not only was I coming in second to a woman who hated my very existence. But I was back burner to possibly another baby mama and the children involved. So that second or third place was now down to a strong 13th place. I personally didn't like it. And realized the more time I invested with men who had kids the less contented I was with the situation. 

Now I remember when my parents would talk about life and whatnots. My dad always said he would never date or marry a woman who had a kid or kids. He never liked ready made families. My mom on the other hand was ok with it. She said you can't blame the kids on your relationship with that parent. Especially if you care about that person a lot. When I was teen I got her point of view. And agreed. But then I grew up and dealt with it. And then understood where my dad was coming from. I decided around 22 or 23 I would never date a man with kids. Kids were a deal breaker and always would be. Whether it was mutual or he had full custody. It didn't matter I didn't want to have to compete for a man's attention amongst people who win his affection by default. I don't like rigged races or relationships. 

But then a plot twist happened. I met my boyfriend. We met unexpectedly. We became friends first. Talking here and there and did different hangouts. We just were buddies. I was contented with that. Especially after a realization that my ex was wasting my time and love for no reason. I didn't want to jump into something because my emotions were hurting and aching to be relieved and built back up. 

Now the more time I spent with him. I eventually figured out he had kids. It took him awhile to tell me he had kids. 3 kids; 2 boys and a girl. But he had that daddy material about him. Which I'll admit that I find attractive. Just something about a guy being fatherly and doing it because he wants to not because he's forced or wants something to brag about or have a good reputation. When we finally went on our first date which was nice at my favorite place. Around that time is when I started liking him a lot! Before I knew it k found myself falling in love with him. 

Now it wasn't planned. Honestly, you couldn't have told that 25year old me that I would be dating a single dad by time I'm 30. That would be unfeasible to me. I would call you a nut job and bid thee good day. However plot twists happen! Here I am a year later still toughing it out with him. 

Now I haven't met the kids. And before you spazz on me and say I should've met them months ago. Hear me out. I know from my childhood experiences that change sucks. It makes no sense. Sometimes adult situations make no sense. My parents celebrating their anniversary was a pain to me. But so important to them. It never made sense until I got older unfortunately and neither of them are here. So for me to be forced on the kids abruptly and for them to expected to love and accept me is wrong. Me and their dad want our relationship to work. We want it to be long term and serious. We want to get married. We want to raise and have a family together. But, first we have to make sure we can withstand the challenges of a relationship. We just had a first major fight that would've caused us to break up. Now if I met the kids months ago and we for attached to each their and then abruptly I'm no longer in the picture that's more of a strain on them than me. Kids are sensitive and change is a BIGGER deal to them than it is to an adult. For most of us we don't like change and we need time to adjust. Sometimes it works out for the better sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it requires more adjustments to offset the fuck up that happened. 

Now within this. I myself is adjusting to change. I'm treading in uncharted waters. I've never made it this far in a relationship, let alone with someone that I truly do care about and love with all my heart. So I'm adjusting being a girlfriend myself. With pressures of that, being a stepmom so quickly and abruptly would be too stressful on me. I'm aware of them as I'm sure they're aware of me. But we still need time to adjust. Eventually yes I'll meet the kids. I have faith it'll all work out. Nothing in life is perfect. There's always going to be trials and tribulations. But first we have to make sure our relationship is solid and made to last. Before we include the kids. 

Like lately people have told me I need to reconsider my options. I can do so much better than a single dad with THREE KIDS!! He's no good for me and all this nonsense. But I realized something this one jag off of a dad told me a few years back. He said I wasn't getting any younger and I had to learn to accept that men come with kids. I told him I did accept it, but it meant I didn't have to participate if I didn't want to. I'm like on the edge of my 20s. Like my age right now is a season cliffhanger lol. Me finding a 30 year old man with no kids, a job and a personality that I can tolerate who isn't a complete asshole is like you getting a $500 bonus in your check every month. Yeah if it happens it's going to come with terms and conditions. 

I'll be straight with you guys. I have never come across a man like him. He buys me groceries, cooks me dinner and even will clean up and mow the lawn. He'll even make sure I have gas in my car to get to and from work. He's so good to me. I never had any guy treat me as good as he does. I can be myself around him and feel comfortable. I don't have to be someone I'm not or go above and beyond to impress him. I enjoy our date nights at home where we laugh, watch movies, eat good food and enjoy each other's company. In the whole time we've been together we've only had sex once. So it's not about sex or what he can get from me or what I can get from him. First and foremost he's my best friend and always will be. I'm glad he is. Unfortunately with our first time there's a possibility that I may be pregnant. So that's another thing we got to deal with too. 

Now I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that all single dads are like him or that a man will be a childless single woman like me. But I will say change happens. Plot twists even happen. I felt I would met a guy that was compatible with my lifestyle and it would just work. But honestly it would never work. Because that wasn't compatible with what I needed or wanted or what was best for my heart and wellbeing. With that crazy plot twist. I found a good thing. I believe he's the best thing that's ever happen to me. And I can't wait to see what else happens. He adds excitement to my life that I'll say that I don't want to share. I'm real selfish with my love for him. I also get jealous about him too lol. So I find myself doing a lot of things that I never would've considered. And he also brings out the better side of me too and I appreciate that. 

So no he isn't perfect. Yes he has kids. Yes there's a baby mama. But it can work if you have faith and believe that it can. Will it be easy?? Hell no. But that's life. If it's easy, it's worth isn't very valuable now is it?? 

Now of course I'll keep you guys updated on life dating a single dad, and life into StepMommyhood and if it turns out I'm pregnant too, my road to mommyhood too! I'm sure I'll be seeing TONS of plot twists too. 

Game Players

Since I got a few moments I might as well get my frustrations out. 

So let's back it up. When I decided to have my wisdom teeth removed that process started back in March. I was getting awful headaches and could barely chew anything due to the pain. It took me forever to find a place that would remove them without me having to pay out of pocket or my insurance only cover a small portion. So I told my supervisor when my surgery was going to be. Even though I found out last minute myself (about a week and half in advance) I let her know immediately. Long story short. I asked to have the day off. She told me no. I asked for a half a day; still told me no. Then told me to reschedule it. I am not going to reschedule major surgery because it doesn't fit your schedule. So I got mad and decided then it was time to find a new job. Which I did. 

So started the new job last month. Even though they half assed training and it was basically garbage. They waited to last minute to give us our schedules. Now I decided to work both jobs because that is a better income. But the new job wanted me to work an 11-hour shift. So I'm like what about my other job? Right now the other job which I'm part time at is my only source of income. He told me to either quit, work on the weekends or borrow money. Now they haven't paid me. So I'm suppose to be ok getting a $200 check maybe on the 5th and wait until the 20th of July for an actual paycheck?? Dude no. I can't work weekends because the other place is open Monday- Friday. He said well you probably going to have to quit because we need you here. What about part time?  Nope. No part time. So I have to work the 10am to 8:45pm shift? Nah. Luckily I was on lunch break and left. Haven't been back since. Because that ridiculous. You don't want to work around my schedule and when I was trying to fix the issue you kept brushing me off. So that right there had me mad as hell. Like you're basically forcing me to quit the other job. But you haven't taught me everything I need to know to do this job. It's like fucked up all the way around. 

So! Today is payday. We're suppose to get a paper check. Which is weird. But whatever. Now they said oh checks will be available between 9am to 11am and then like 2 to 3pm. I got here at 9:50. No checks. I waited until 10am no checks. I went to go ask the one woman I saw coming out of her office about when they were going to be available. She brushed me off and walked down the hallway like I was decor or something. I said ok, that's fine. I waited to 10:30—still no checks. I got shit to do today. It don't include being up here all day. 

So because I decided to quit you want to act petty as hell. You haven't paid me and I worked with you for a WHOLE MONTH. You're not going to tell me to sit at home and be broke because that's what you want. Oh hell no. I don't like places or people that play games like that. Now when I got hired they asked me if I was ok with the 5a to 1:45 shift. Yes. I was told that would be my shift. Ok found out it might change. I'll get more info on picking a shift the second week of training. Then nothing. Then you tell me the last week of training that I have no choice but to accept this shift whether it's 10-8 or 8-6 it puts me in the position to forcefully quit my other job but you not giving me enough money to pay bills. Just enough for gas for the car and food here and there. That is asinine! 

It's now 11. I will check once more but if my check isn't made available Imma have a WHOLE ASS ATTITUDE. 

Like don't play games with my money. You got me fucked up if you think I won't talk bad to you over it. 

So now I'm super agitated for the rest of the day. 

But people who play games like that are the ultimate shitheads to me. Like because you're bored or miserable you wanna fuck up someone else's day or life or whatever—HELL MONEY EVEN! Then you want to be all victim or upset because someone has to dig in your ass and tell you about yourself!? HAH! Please! I really don't have the patience or time for basic ass people. 

I do know one thing though. I ain't leaving this gosh damn hell hole till I get my money.  

Happy 4th Of July Everyone!!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday today. I know you guys are dreading work tomorrow just like I am lol 

Either enjoy yourselves and this July! 

Preferably Cats, Please

"Alone Time"

There's A Stranger In My House...

I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER!! 

I been super busy. Ended up with two jobs at one point. Had surgery. Still sorting life out and then all of sudden shit hit the fucking fan and I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck happened and how it happened in such a short time. 

So I finally got my wisdom teeth removed about a month ago. Heeling has been a trial between finding the right things to eat and the medication had me super sick too! But I'm happy it's done and I feel a lot better as far as that's concerned. 

Then I got tired of the shit at my job. Between my checks being short or not adding up right. I was especially disgusted when I was going for my surgery my boss refused to give me the day off and even refused me coming in for a half a day. Told me to reschedule. So I'm suppose to continue to have pain for two more months and be miserable. No bitch I'm not. I decided then it was time for a new job. Thus I got a second job and went part time there. Honestly I thought it would work out. Until a couple days ago they're telling me to quit the part time job and wait on them. Which I wasn't getting a full paycheck for another two weeks. No that's not gonna work. Luckily I got a call for another job that's not only closer to home but pays more than both those jobs! I honestly couldn't be happier for the opportunity. Plus I'm ready to leave especially since I'm not getting along with my boyfriend. 

I wanted to get this off my chest and my mind so I didn't drag this drama into July. I don't want it being a distraction on what I'm trying to accomplish. 

What's funny, is that no matter how hard I try to be a better person, a better woman than I was the day before there's always a trying moment. Usually in most cases I can overcome it. But this fuckery with my boyfriend got me feeling some type of way. 

I know in my hay day I was horrible. I took men off of their ladies. I broke couples up and just made everyone as miserable as I possibly could. For that I have to accept the possibility that it could happen to me too. 

So I found out my boyfriend of a year is cheating on me. It all started last Friday when he confronted me and said I told the one girl at work that we were moving in together. I never told her. Don't talk to outside of work. But she told his friend and his friend asked him. So as far as he's concerned I'm wrong, I shouldn't have done that (even though I didn't) and it's our business. Yet that escalated into the same girl saying his been messing around with another female at our job as well. He's been having sex with her and all this shit they always hang out after work. So he says he's innocent. He never had sex with that girl and she's married and I got it all wrong. I'm like that's not what I was told. So he still denied it. 

So then he overheard something I said at work and tried to say I'm causing all this drama to avert attention from my new boo and the fact I may be pregnant. There is no one else. And yes I might be pregnant but it's his because he's the only one I've had sex with. Which then turned into I used a condom you can't be pregnant by me. It's not mine bullshit. But when I questioned him about the girl he's supposedly messing around with then he's like oh no that wasn't me that other girl lied. And he wants to distract the attention from the skank which had me mad as hell. Because you guilty. 

So he said I was being difficult, emotionless and petty. Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know your skank was an angel and I'm just automatically wrong, huh?? 

Now while we were having this argument, he's concerned if I'm pregnant or not. It's like yes I'm late. Right now it's an IF. but either way I'll do what I need to do. 

I love him very much. I care about him with all my heart. But when that shit happened I was broken hearted. Like how could the man I love treat me like this. I might be carrying your child and you still treat me like crap. I asked him if we needed a break. He said no and then tried to accuse me of trying to be with someone else. I'm like no. We are in a really fucked up situation at the moment. Maybe a break can fix it. He still told me no and went on to say how much loves and cares about me. And doesn't want to lose me. So I told him ok, I never want to talk about this again, but you fuck up one more time and I'm done with you. Because I refuse to be disrespected and told how dishonest I am when that was NEVER the case with him. 

However I did find out that the skank he's messing with says him and her having sex was a joke. But they do hang out with each other often. I also found who told the girl we were moving in together. It was the skank. She said he told her that. Now she assumes he might be talking to someone else or even several other people maybe. She doesn't know about me at all. But what I find interesting all the people involved are people he talks to. Personally I never like the skank he's messing around with. Didn't like her in high school.....Mmph go figure huh? 

Now even though he says nothing's going on between him and the skank. She stay buying him lunch, always over his desk and giggling at him from afar. His ass be entertaining it too. But I'm running my mouth. The office doesn't even think I have a man let alone it being him. But that's ok. I told him in his bitching you won't have to worrying about your reputation being tarnished any more. Because I'm leaving the job. So if some wild shit pops off again it won't be because I said something. 

So I'm hoping we can get past this issue and make it work from here on out. 

I'm just not for all this stress. It's too much. I gotta stress about bills and my jobs. Whether if I'm pregnant or not. And he's over there whining. Not in July!! No. I refuse to start a second year with some bullshit. So I plan on starting July on a good note and make the best out of a bad situation. 

Besides if I am pregnant I don't want that stress on my baby either. That's unfair to them. 

And on a happier note—I'll be getting a new kitten too! His name will be Saphir II. He's absolutely adorable!! Now he is missing a foot but that's ok! Because we're all flawed and damaged goods in some way or form. But that doesn't mean we aren't lovable. 

So now I'm off to work I feel a little bit better after talking to you guys & dolls. My tummy is upset and I don't feel too good today. But I will make the most of the day and this month!! I'll also try not to stay away for so long too lol. 

Happy July! And I hope everyone has a happy 4th of July too!! 

Happy Fathers Day!

I just wanted to wish all the wonderful men out there a very happy happy Father's Day and I hope that you were well appreciated and loved today!! Happy Daddy's day to the women out there doing it all!! 

Happy Fathers Day!

I just wanted to wish all the wonderful men out there a very happy happy Father's Day and I hope that you were well appreciated and loved today!! Happy Daddy's day to the women out there doing it all!! 

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Happy Mama's Day

I just want to wish all the Moms, Dads & Fur-Parents out there a Happy Mothers Day. 

While I spend mine being tortured by my cats and cleaning up after them. I hope you guys & dolls got a break today lol 

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1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day

I thought I would take time out of my hella busy schedule and reflect on the fact that I am getting older. 

What's weird is that I feel SUPER OLD. I remember back as a kid thinking someone who was in their 30s were super adult and old and well ok their way to old-people-hood lol. But now that I look at re fact that I'll be 30years old in exactly one year one month and one day......it's a lot more to that than I thought. And it's not so bad either. Majority of the people have already been telling me I'm 30 and to accept it. Even tho I'll be 29 next month. I must say at first I was kind of unhappy to see my 20s leave so abruptly and to crash land in my 30s. But now not so much. I'm sort of excited and then on the same token I'm a little scared at the fact that I am getting older, and growing up and maturing—but most of all I still feel like a teenager all confused about life and still trying to sort things out without adult supervision. YIKES! 

That's the beautiful part about it all. Because it makes me reflect on all those people I thought were super grown up at 30-something and how they probably didn't have their shit together either. They were probably fucking up left to right and desperately hoping another adultier adult would come and save them lol. That's the most ironic thing too. It's actually admirable too. 

What I can say even though a part of me isn't ready to cross yet another threshold into adulthood and fears gray hair and more fat and saggy skin. The more grown up part of me is actually exited and can't wait to see what the 30. I get to have another decade of experiences and wonderment. I hope I get to spend as many seconds and minutes I can with the people I love the most. And just maybe I might even astonish myself and come across things I never knew and maybe things I never knew I wanted. I might encounter trials and tribulations that I'm prepared for and others I'm not. I hope that either way I gain the knowledge and wisdom to keep calm and carry on while having the serenity to know the difference or time and place to have wisdom, courage and acceptance. But only time will tell. I can't wait to be 30 some day. 

The Evil Queens

Old Enough

There are moments in my life where I catch myself wondering if I'm old enough to be doing what I'm doing whatever the task at hand may be. 

Majority of the time I always feel like I'm too young. Too young for a serious relationship, too young to figuring out if an IRA is better than a 401K, too young for marriage and kids—too young to be adulting in general. Even though next month I'll be 29! 

It's crazy actually. The more and more I get into my daily activities and make plans and changes to suit myself so that I can expand and grow. I also feel contradictory and feel too old to not have it together as I look at other people who are my age or older or those who were my age at some point. Hell my parents were homeowners by time they reached my age and were married for 10years at least too!  I feel so out of place sometimes like I want to be ready and I know in my heart I can be ready. But my insecurity makes me feel like I'm not ready for this. 

I know I still have tons of stuff to learn and time to grow still. There are moments where I feel like a scared little kid and need the guidance of an adultier adult lol. Or least someone to tell me that I'm going in the right direction—for the moment lol. 

I hope by 30 I can have it together a little bit. Least to stop stressing about whether I'm old enough to be grocery shopping by myself or having sex with my boyfriend or not lol. 

April 9, 1966

On this very exact date to the day. My parents got married at a little church. Right before Easter and there was snow too lol. Even though it's been 50years since that date. I bet if they were still alive they would've loved this moment very much. 

For the longest time I never understood why this date was so important to them. It didn't make sense. Though I enjoyed their love for each other. I never got how much they love the idea of each other of the "US" of them. I think this is the first time in a long time that I looked forward to their anniversary. I will say I hated the day because I always felt they blew out of porportion. But I was also young and didn't understand why I had to be included on a day I never got to see or experience or have as fond of memories as they did. 

Even as I got older and things started to change. All I remember is how excited they were to reach that 50years mark. Even still; I still didn't understand why this date was so important. When my father passed and my mom still kept hope alive and I would buy her cards to make her day and look at old pictures with her to make her happy. I didn't understand. I always assumed I never would. 

When my mother passed, I ended up with all the knick knacks, souvenirs and keepsakes. That date was nothing more but a confirmation of my parents Union in holy matrimony. That was adorned in history with photographs and a certificate. And a inscribed wedding ring.  

But it didn't hit me until recently. Like a few months ago. I had this really weird dream where I thought I loss the wedding band I had. Even though it was just a ring and nothing more and nothing less. That was the first time it was heartbreaking to think it was gone forever. That dream had me so messed up I had to get up and look for the ring the next morning before I went off to work. I couldn't help but look at the ring and read the inscribing: A.B.M to E.N.R.  4-9-66. And I sat there wondering why this ring was so important to me. 

It wasn't until I start spending more and more time with Mr. G. It started making sense. Without all that commotion and whatnots. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't been able to experience life with two of the most amazing (crazy) people in the world. I wouldn't have experienced a lot of the craziness and nonsense with them. I wouldn't be Me without them. I appreciate that. Without their love and wanting to invest into each other for more than a lifetime literally. I wouldn't have happened and nothing that I experienced wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be in the place that I'm at now. And I probably wouldn't be with G or owning the house I grew up in. Even though now they make up a small part of my life; they were once a HUGE part of my life. They were the foundation to my pyramid and I'm glad about that. 

Even if they're not here anymore or won't be able to watch me to continuously grow. They're always with me and always will be. Ring or not. 

I wish my parents a very Happy 50th Anniversary.