2B or Not 2B; The Life Of Singledom Is Pure Tragedy

Hi kids,

I know it's been awhile since you've last heard from me. Between dealing with work and the everyday pressures of being single. I swear I'd kill for a vacation from it all and to just be relieved for a moment you know??

But I decided to write this because several things have been irking me the last few weeks or so. To the point, I'm beyond frustrated. Like i'm at my wits end as to what to do to fix my life even to a more positive standing than where it is now.

Lately it seems like I've been getting more suitors than I can handle. Some are just weirdos expecting me to get super excited and lover-lusted just by them saying 'HI' to me. Which it don't work that way. I know that works for some of the whores of today but it doesn't work for everyone. But besides the jerks who sends me pictures of their cocks in my inbox like it's going out of style. I had one guy who's almost 20years my senior and is basically telling me that we're getting married and having kids. At first I humored him but then eventually told him I wasn't interested and wasn't attracted to him like that. Plus between the weird things like saying God told him to tell me that me and him are getting married, how I'll be the bestest stepmother to his 3 kids (one of which is a few years younger than me) as well as a good step-grandmother to his grandchildren, then how he wanted to cook and eat my pets...... Yeah I know right??

After that, I got fed up. I kept getting all these wild ass guys who basically telling me I don't have a choice or how I have to choose them or in some case GO TO WHERE THEY LIVE and be with them. No. I'm definitely not doing that, not only am I NOT looking for a man. I definitely don't need another one telling me I don't have a choice when it comes to picking a somewhat suitable mate. I rather not be bothered. Not that I'm super man hater, but why do I want to waste my time with a guy who can't even be understanding that I work and don't have time to fool around or have "fun" like he does?? One guy got mad because I don't know what time I get home in the evenings. Well it's rarely the same time. No I don't know because it doesn't matter in most cases when I finally get home I'm not leaving or going anywhere until the next morning if I work. But the funny thing with him, he can't talk to me past 9pm but he wants to come over to my house around 9pm to "hang out" with me. Lately they've all been telling me what I need and how they can give me this world of happiness and great sex. I'm like dude no. What I need is my bills paid, and my house fixed up to a better condition it is now. Your probably lousy sex and bullshit laced happiness isn't going to cut it for me. But yet I'm the bad guy or I'm wrong for not giving guys a chance. But I'm confused I'm not out there looking a dude. I don't have a need for one in my life. Shit I can't even make some arrangements to find a temporary space for one. And I'm definitely not going from dude to dude to keep that blissful lust ongoing. Don't have time for that. I'm not interested.

One thing that's really pissed me off is these dudes inviting themselves over for dinner. I can barely support myself and buy food for myself. Why am I going to cook and have you waste food?? If you haven't brought groceries then I'm not cooking for you or feeding you. I just think that's so rude for a guy to do that. Don't assume you're going to get a free meal off of someone. Yes it's nice to know if someone can cook or not. But you can't base a decision off of one ideal or good trait. That's like me being happy with a man who works, but doesn't provide or share expenses. I cook because I have to, not because I want to be this awesome chef and provide these awesome meals for a man later down the road. No I cook as a way of survival. No I'm not sharing because in most cases I had to fight to get my food stamps, struggle to get to the grocery store and struggle to get those groceries home and then struggle to make something that'll last me for days or even a week or two. Like get the hell out of here with that nonsense. I'm not your mom and I don't have to prove to you if I'm a good care giver or not especially if you aren't my husband, my child or my main squeeze. But lately men have gotten unbelievably rude.

Which then leads us to the whole why society seems to find it hard that I'm single. So many men would be happy to have me and how pretty I am and how I'm a hard worker. When I say I dunno or how I'm not interested then I have to get lectured on how I can't be a functioning human being without a man whose shadow I can gracefully walk in. It's like no that's ok I don't need a man. Then comes the whole well how are you planning on having kids ordeal. I'm not, I don't want kids. I don't want to be in the position where I would end up a single mother. Then comes you don't know that you might meet Prince Charming and he'll be ever so happy to have you nonsense. I'm like look with the way I attract the lousiest of guys, I doubt that'll happen. I'll be damned if I'mma be on my own raising a kid and doing and being everywhere without any help of whatsoever. Yeah that's a road I want to avoid at all costs. I don't want my own family, It's more of a burden to me now than it being a luxury when I was younger and wanted the husband and house full of kids.

But what's ironic, I remember years ago men wouldn't want nothing to do with a girl if she wasn't working or didn't have her own place. Now that I have those things, they act like I'm too independent and I need to turn it down several notches. But why? Why do I need to be dependent?? Especially on someone whom I'm not totally sure will be there for me when I really need them. I think that's why I'm so comfortable living and being on my own.

Yeah being a Singleton and living alone has it's perks and you can do what you want when you want and with whom and whatever else your little heart desires. But there are moments where I'll admit it's really fucked up to be on your own. Especially for those of you like me who were an only child, parents are gone or decease, family is just people you know of--literally, and the only friends you have either live too far away or are busy with their own goings on. So yeah most people paint this ideal apartment life and how cafes and corner stores and bookstores embrace this cute apartment you live in and how you can wave your arm or snap your fingers and the golden taxi takes you wherever you need to go. Unfortunately that's not the case for some people.

I decided to live on my own because I didn't like living with other people, the crazed rules. Being home for dinner at a certain time, curfew, laundry day, no pets allowed, you can't do this and you can't do that. OH MY GAWD I'm damn near 30 and here I am being treated like a 13 year old. I couldn't stand it. Taking on a house by yourself is a lot different from apartment life. I had faith I could it on my own but I realize now (two years later) that I can't do it all by myself. I tried getting a roommate but after having the tenants destroy my house that is a no go for me. But bills are costlier. Hell my electric bill is more than my paycheck in a two week period! All my bills were extremely high this year and that was with costs going up. With me being garnished at work for my student loans, not only do I have a smaller paycheck, but trying to divide a little over $800 a month over everything that costs $200 each. I can't do it. I've lost my mind trying to make this work for the last 3 months and it's not working. I'm tired of busting my ass 40 hours each week and bringing home less than part time pay. If I miss a day of work I'm screwed. So I'm at this dead end like what the fuck am I suppose to do?? I have no one to depend upon--no one. Trust me it's no picnic. I've been trying to get home from government programs but since I'm not a single MOM, and I'm not a BUM by choice so I cant get any type of help of whatsoever.

It's like I've entered the ugliest nightmare ever and people keep telling me the only way out is hard work, determination and faith. But it seems when I do all those things I keep getting dragged back into the darkness. I'm ready to sell the house and wing it. I'm just tired I guess. Tired of everything being weighed in on me. I don't have the option to have someone to depend upon or to make phone calls or to handle business when I can barely function with everyday life due to overworking myself. I don't have someone to call when my bills get behind or I'm struggling to buy food. I'm on my own, for everything, for anything.....forever.

Here I sit with a jacked up knee. I fell on sunday and scraped my knee really bad. Also scraped up my hand and my toe and even sprained my ankle too. No matter how many calls I made to clinics today to see if someone would see me, I got turned down. The better clinics are too far to walk with my messed up knee. That's the messed up part about living utterly alone. It's all fine and dandy until you get sick or need some serious help. But i knew that ahead of time when I decided I would pursue life on my own.  I just assumed that I could handle it all, not because I felt like some goddess or super woman. I was comparing it to my single life I had in college. While college wasn't super efficient, it was a more attainable lifestyle. The grocery stores were around the corner or a taxi ride away. In some cases we were spoiled to have a cleaning crew come and clean the rooms and bathroom and so on and so forth. And bills that occurred every month was nothing more than a cellphone bill. It was highly different. I've noticed with trying to figure out what the hell was wrong in the world currently. It began to make sense when I finally researched it. Majority of singletons my age are in apartments and if shit hits the fan they call on their support system to dig them out of the hole or prevent them from drowning. Me I don't have that. If I fuck up with my bills even for a month I'm screwed. Now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my property and school taxes, if I'll have enough money to renew my license. But what worries me the most if I should happen get deathly ill or god forbid die, who's going to think to even try to see if I'm ok or not. I'm prepared with the thought that it could happen, but it would suck that months after I've died and my cats too probably and someone's like OH HEY IS YOU OK OR NAH?? Most people that call in to "check in on me" basically call me like I got all the resourses in the world. They tell me they saw a car on sale for $5000 out in some godforsaken land that they happen to drive by (but can't come get me to see it or get it if I had the money because that's not their problem) or how I should do this or do this or go here, there and everywhere like I have a car to get to this places and majority of the buses once you get off the bus line you need to be ok with walking 15 minutes or more to the next location. Or they wanna tell me if you do this with you bills or get a roommate or get a better job or jump over the moon backwards while counting the alphabet in pig latin. But when I ask well can you help me out, then I have to hear all the excuses of how they cant or won't but have enough audacity to brag to me about all the people they've helped like they're the saints of all saints.

Things like that pisses me off, you have so much say in everything I do but won't help out at all. But then throw it in my face like you wanted to live alone and be an adult so figure it out on your own, but if you get a man then it wouldn't be a problem. Like he's gonna help me out seriously?? Yeah, there's a reason I decided to live on my own, I learned that people are so damn unreliable and I end up doing stuff on my own regardless. Of course after I struggle to get through the task at hand, I always get that oh you should've called me I would've helped you out. Yeah, sure you would. 

Bottom line, being and livin single is remarkable. You learn a lot and grow up real fast and fine out what's more important in life and to you and to your personal well being. However if you have a terrible or no support system, then the entire burden is upon your shoulders and you fuck and trip or waver, you will be crushed by all that you're carrying. Then you'll know how it truly feels to be alone. Honestly if you can't handle that, then you're best living with someone. Otherwise if  you can handle it, be prepared to turn into a cold heartless, evil ass bitch/bastard. 

For The Love Of Condoms

Post by Madison Hinton.

Happy Condom Week 2015!!

First let me say Happy Belated Valentine's to all my love bunnies out there. If you're single like me, then I hope you had a wonderful Saturday unless you got caught in the snow storm like I did. Then it's only as good as it gets right?? lol.

Anyway, Happy Condom Week!!! This year, I am going to do the same old same old with facts and condom jokes and whatnots. However this year I decided to do something a little different. Because I've noticed a lot of posts over the last several months on sex and love and unplanned pregnancies. But then I noticed this one article I read about a young preteen who had gotten pregnant before HIGH SCHOOL and she said one thing she wish for was to have been properly educated on sex.

What's funny, it's true. We aren't properly educated on sex and it's like grown ups can't properly verbalize about sex. However with that happening we are kinda left in the dark and go about it through trial and error which in itself isn't good and that's how those mistakes happen. So this year, I decided to take the initiative and be the mom that everyone hates because I say how I feel without giving a damn. Because everyone has the right to know about sex and at least be properly educated on it and not go about it blindly in the dark you know??? (what if you miss the hole? lol)

So since I didn't have much time to plan this all out, we're going to be winging it lol. Nothing out of the unusual right?? I'll try to keep this as entertaining as possible and educational. So sit back and enjoy this awesome week!!

Fruit Punch.....[Literally]

Hi guys and dolls!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I fucking missed you guys and I really mean that!

I didn't want you all to think I forgot about you or I moved on and decided to get rid of the blog. No no honey bunnies.

Last you heard from me, I was probably in dire need (and I'm too lazy to go see what it was lol) so we'll recap back to this time last year when I got a job working at a school bus company. around the end of February 2014. Honestly I was really happy and excited because I had been applying to places and wasn't getting much luck. I mean, who would've thunk droppin out of college and taking care of my sick mother before she died would actually do more harm than good. I'm feelin like Mother Theresa over here and society is like OMG you're a total bum fuck loser no we won't hire you, you irresponsible crayon eater! So getting that job made me happy......but not for long.

Whilst I was getting paid the big bucks and I was happy and giddy, brought some furniture for my livingroom things were looking up. Until they started fucking with my check and treating me worst than a step child and then I found out this wasn't for me. They made me do training for a school bus driver but then had the nerve to make me a monitor, but not pay me monitor wages and I'm like I didn't bust my ass for two weeks without pay to be a monitor that's crazy. The horror stories I got from working there makes me not want to send my kids on the yellow safety bus of doom....AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!! But after all was said and done they fired me after my birthday but didn't tell me I was fired until the following week. But I didn't care the job was stressful and my wages had start going down too and that wasn't cool. And to top it off I was getting laid off for three months and couldn't collect unemployment and yeah so I was screwed either way you looked at that situation.

So being unemployed didn't help much, not only did I lose my car (even though I got a good deal for it), I couldn't find a job, I was broke and I felt like I was going to end up homeless all over again. Hell I even tried to be a sugar baby. There are like no sugar daddies here smh. But I had faith that it would work out, I took in boarders, I sold some stuff and hussled as much as I could to get the money I needed to mostly take care of my pets and the house. There were moments were I felt things wouldn't straighten out and it was quite frustrating but I held on to the faith that it would work out.

Thus, I got a new job, at the end of July. I work as a cashier at a place that I respectfully call "The Depot" lol. It's full of nuts, that includes my coworkers, the customers and the random people I see through out the day. Now believe it or not this job is sure enough hard labor. I wear steel toed boots, a back brace too so I can lift up the 50lbs of food all day long. I was fucking exhausted my first week or so. But look at me now I've been there for 6months and been doing a good job. Honestly out of all my jobs I've had, I actually love working there. Mostly for the people I work with and the customers who are business owners, I've gotten to know. Yeah I hate lifting 50lb sacks of potatoes, onions and cabbages and 40lbs of chicken all day non stop but it's a job, it pays the bills, feeds my kids and for a while life was sweet.

I also got a new pet!! A guinea pig named Charley, who used to be named Wheezy lol. He's a sweetie, here's this the kittens were mad I brought him home haha. Lily was mad she was the middle child, Hawthorn had flashbacks of when i brought Lily home and here's the best part--They all get along really well. The kittens are afraid of him and he knows it but they play it tag when I let him out and chase each other, it's hilarious but the kits go over and give him kisses and hugs. Unfortunately McCunt Bubbles AKA Raiden the fish he died around November or so. Honestly I was surprised he lived so long, the kits miss him I think, so I may get a goldfish or something to make them happy again. Plus goldfish are cheaper and eat what's sold at walmart lol.

Hmm, what else??

OH YEAH!!

In the midst of all those goings on in life, I had a few choice encounters with the opposite sex. Some were good, some were those that made you retort WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK and others were nothing out of the unusual. Had a few losers who wanted to move in with me. One I don't think had shit of his own. The other he wanted to move in after two weeks of us talking and of course after he left his wife's house and brought their 4 kids to live with us. I'm like dude no, you got me fucked up. You ain't moving in, your kids damn sure aint coming here and you claim to be "divorced" from your wife with whom you still live with (and is still married to; don't believe the hype). So he told me that I need to learn to accept that a man has kids whether I like it or not because I'm not gettin no younger and men got kids. I'm like you know what you right, I do accept that men have kids. But it doesn't mean I'mma put up with that bullshit though.

Then of course I met the regular fucktards who want naked pictures or my phone number. I had one dude who was made from lies. Like no kidding, he lied about where he lived, his phone number was a lie and he was trying to force me into a relationship and then make me move to Washington DC and got mad when I said no. Who the fuck jumps into a relationship with a fucker they don't know?! Besides stupid people....no one in the correct mind frame is going to do some dumb shit like that. So then I started talking to this one guy who is nice and all but he's miserible as fuck and he reminded me of the guy who broke my heart in May 2014 who was equally miserible. Honestly you can't make a miserible person happy. You can try, but trust me you won't get anywhere. These men were both one in the same, their life is fucked up and everything is their baby's mama's fault.  Yeah it could be to a point, but you not having a job or having a fucked up day for the moment has nothing to do with her, that's straight up you dude. Bottom line you had sex with her volunteerily. No one forced your penis in her vagina and I doubt she raped you. Yawl need to stop that, same goes for the women too. It's no one's fault but your own so man or woman up accept the fuck up and move on. You stand there and whine about it and you'll end up being lost to what's going on around you and you'll definitely miss out on something really nice or awesome things. So by September I just couldn't deal with him anymore. Plus he was always talkin about what he was going to do and never did anything and it let me further know how much of a loser he truly was.

Then around October, I met this really great guy or so I thought--then lol. The way we met was beyond romantic. There I was waiting for the bus after work so I could go home and he was in traffic and honked the horn at me and waved. I usually wave back even if I don't know the person because I feel bad that they might feel stupid once they figure out that they may have mad a mistake. So he went up the street and popped this wild U-turn to come and sit at the bus stop with me and talk to me for about an hour or so. I was honestly shocked and in all my years I've never had a guy leave me so speechless. I will say his game was smooth and well on point. We hooked up and messed around for awhile. Now in the beginning I'll be honest and say I personally felt it wasn't going to last or really work out because it happened so perfectly. We work close to each other (literally next door). We both were single, and we had good chemistry. It was just too perfect. Even the sex was worth it, no doing so without protection wasn't the best thing at any time we did lol. But I don't regret it, and I enjoyed his company. Hell I'm not even mad we broke up. We had a rough spot that we handle but then it came back again and I didn't like that. I wanted to spend time with him, he was basically pretending to be Casper the friendly ghost on me. The last time I heard from him was Christmas Day. I didn't like being strung along or hearing that he was too busy or had other stuff to do when he found enough time to visit is his family which he drove 6 hours to and back and often. Eventually my schedule changed to where we were on the same time 6 or 7am to 3 or 4pm and we work next door for pete's sake. But then I found out he was looking at my facebook and because he did that I could look at his since we weren't friends and had no mutual friends involved, I also found out he lied too. He told me he had been in Pittsburgh for 6months, it was actually a year. It also said he was in a relationship, which I still think he was regardless of what he said or did he just acted like it and I think she lived in Philly too. But all in all I wasn't mad and I'm still not. A lot of people ask me what's going on and I'm like I dunno. I'm assuming it's over and I like it that way.  I enjoyed the 4 and half months we spent together and I had a blast! But somethings are meant to be enjoyed for the moment and not be a lasting memory you know.

Now when he cuffed me I was shocked all the guys that were upset about it!! Like oh my goodness, I couldn't believe it lol. Even now I get a few guys popping outta nowhere and wanting to hook up. But for now I'm cool. I don't think I can do a relationship. I need someone I can do the nasty with and go check out booties and marathon Netflix or Hulu with who doesn't want much more than that. I don't care if it's a guy or a girl or both lol, I can't take the stress of a relationship and the bullshit that comes with it you know?? Since I don't want marriage or kids then I don't want to be wasting someone else's time when they could be finding that person they need for that particular role. I just want a loyal fuck buddy lmao.

As for now I'm trying to get life together, I'm bein garnished for student loans which pisses me off because I'm working minimum wage and busting my ass for over 40 hours a week and they feel it necessary to take $100 or so and say fuck my bills and other shit. I'm like I'll be damned if my cats shit in my house and I end up homeless. I was like ready to quit my job because I refuse to work for 40 hours and get less than part time pay. That's a no go Joe! So now I'm going to see about getting a car so at least I can get to and from work and even possibly get back to my jitneying trips and make some extra money that'll at least cover what I'm losing in garnishment or even get a second job. Mostly I want the car now since I was late for work waiting for a bus that never showed up and the public transit is ok with that happening but I can't be 30mins late for work either. Plus I left my wallet at home the other night that has my money and bus pass and I had to walk home from work because my cousin never came to get me. So after walking 5 miles home for 3 hours in a fucking snow storm....yeah this week has been a challenge for me lol. 

But I'm tryin really hard to make this all work out. Why exactly I haven't found out just yet but I still try. Kind of annoying but it's whatever you know?? I still have many things I'd like to do but for now I'll focus on the now and work as hard as I can and try to make things as comfortable for all of us as I can.


So now you're up to date. I'll try to post as often as I can, my job keeps me beat since I'm working 9-10hours a day because we're currently short staffed. And my iphone broke again so I've yet to get that fix so I'm on a cheapo phone that barely supports facebook. How lame is that??? Smh, eventually I'll get that fucker fixed or replace it with a new one depends on how I feel. If apple keeps making cheap crap I mines well stick to a cheap phone and call it a day ya know?? 

But I shall keep in touch, I also appreciate all of you who's been checking out the facebook page, that makes me really happy :D but it would make have an orgasm if you liked it though lol. 

I'm alive, I'm kickin I'll try my best to do posts, they'll probably be short little somethings, but it's the thought that counts right?? Plus I could NOT not do Condom Week this year! I think I'll go into a different direction this year but it'll still be fun though :).

And if I didn't tell you, I missed you all so very much!! 

Lethologica

We all have experienced this situation, I know I have it quite a few times a day.

Eccedentesiast

Apodyopsis

Pistanthrophobia

Brobdingnagian

Schadenfreude

Phosphenes

The Last Piece Of Candy

I had just mindlessly walked out of the bathroom, went into a small bedroom that's now an office. Petted one of my kittens and went straight for the candy dish in there and stole 3 pieces. My mind was focused on my current fubar situation. I went back into the hallway, petted the other kitten and went into my bedroom. Like a feign, I climbed in my bed with the tapping and mewing of the kittens outside my door frantically trying to open the tin foil wrapped candy. And that's when it hit me—. 

These last few weeks have been high level stress for me. This past week has been hell. Within this last week I've encountered so many stressful situations that at some point I snapped. I didn't catch my senses until a few minutes ago. I can't even remember the last thing I wrote. But I know it was during work. 

So my position changed this past week at work. I was just a school bus rider. Which then I turned into a monitor. I understand my position. Those of you who don't know a school bus monitor is there to help the driver keep the children under control and safe as possible. In a normal situation that's fine. Not fine with special needs children who have a variety of disabilities. Who also experienced so many changes that they're disgusted. I understand, their routine has been destroyed so often and so abruptly they reject all changes. Unfortunately due to the complicated circumstances it's hard to transition. Old veteran drivers didn't want to deal with them not only because of their disabilities but they have behavior problems as well. So they gave it to a new driver. The old monitor quit and they replace me with him and that was an even bigger issue because we have two new people with kids who are challenged and disgusted. Not a good combo. To say the least you don't know what to say without it being taken the wrong way. So as for this week I don't know if I'm riding with them again or not. 

In midst of all this, I got pulled over the other night by the police. He said I exceeded the speed limit. Which I'm fine with and I probably did. But he approached the situation wrong. He not only assumed I didn't have a license but tried to say my insure was expired, I was a minor, and I was driving a car not registered to me and how I'm going to kill someone. Then wanted to know what my living situation was like and who I lived with and if I was sure I lived there. He said I was going so fast he could barely keep up with me. That's crap. Because the neighbor where he's an officer for. They way in two spots. He wasn't at the first spot and I hadn't got to the second spot. So I think he was following me from my neighborhood because at one corner there's a lot of negro activity. And my neighborhood board lines with his. I hesitated at the light because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go left or straight. I took left. When I got so far down there was a dog in the street. I stopped completely as the pup took it's time to get on the sidewalk and out of the street. Then I noticed someone following me. But thought nothing of it. So he said he would cite me and I have to go to court in 10 days which then became 30 days. So as I'm asking him questions on how to handle it, all he gave me was I don't knows and go find out on my own. When he let me go, he followed me through two more neighborhoods before getting off my ass. Now I think he stopped me because he thought I had something to do with what was going on down the street, the dog, my damaged bumper (that got damaged because I slipped on ice while backing into the drive way a few weeks ago) and my music. But when he couldn't find dirt on me he had an attitude and tried to make something out of nothing. That pissed me off. 

In lieu of that, I worked to see what I can do to change it. Unfortunately I hit two roadblocks. I can get everything changed however I need insurance in my name. After my car accident in June I don't know how the insurance company will take it. Then to look for insurance is a problem since I only have enough for bills. I have to work on that tomorrow. But then I got a flat tire on Thursday that I have to get repaired and I have to see how much that will cost since I can't get new ones right now. Another problem. 

Then, I've been getting stalked by this old drunk alcoholic guy who did a few things for my mom. She would complain she didn't like his drinking then leave him alone! Unfortunately my mother was a nice person and acknowledge everyone regardless of their affiliations in life. Well after she died he came around looking for me to be his new employer and I'm like I don't need your help. I've never seen him work and he's rarely sober. Like winning the lottery rare. He did help me get the ice out of my driveway which I was appreciative and said thank you and paid him. It wasn't perfect but that's out of my control. After that I told him I don't have anything for you to do. Because he wants payment all the time and demands work. I'm like no. I'm not going to assist in his drinking habit and I rather try on my own first or forego it if I can't. 

Last Friday night he comes to my house around 10pm. That's one thing I don't like, why do you need to come to my house at night?? So I invited him in because I wasn't about to hold the door open and let the cold in not go outside as he rambles on. He goes into how him and his supposed wife are arguing and stuff and I'm like ok it'll work itself out. Whatevs. Then he boldly says he wants to hook up with me. I immediately say no. He says don't worry about Jackie and the kids (there's 10 of them). I'm like I'm not but no. So then he says oh she's putting me out and I need a place to stay and you have a house so that'll be great. I'm like no. Then he's like oh you're so beautiful and just my type and you don't need to be single blah blah blah yadda yadda—I'm like thank you but I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I don't have the time and my main focus is working and taking care of myself and my kittens. Then he asks me if I have kids or not and I'm thinking dude I've known you for 3 years now and I lived with my mom have you seen kids here??? Then he's like you have the cats that's cool with me I like cats. Then I reiterate what I said. He's like well that's because you haven't had a grown man treat you right. I can help you pay the bills, I get $700 a month from social security but I can't give you anything now but next month definitely. We can go out, I know tons of places we can go to plus you have a car so we're set. I'm like no, I don't have time for going out. After about another 30-40minutes of this banter he then demands I give him something to do. Like a chore. I don't have anything for you to do. So he back to his love conversation and said he needed someone to love him and I'm like you've come to the wrong place. It ain't happening here. So he says well ok not love but a friend. I'm not interested in friendships. He's like oh you let them other dudes mess it up for me and blah blah and I'm like no the girls did that. But I don't have a need for a guy. So he's like you need someone to help you with this house. And I will do that on my own thank you very much. So he eventually leaves and said I need to think about what he said. I told him I'll consider thinking about it. He said he'll come back next month and ask me again. I'm at the point I just want to get rid of you. 

Saturday. I had go out to the store because I was in the midst of cleaning and rearranging furniture and trying to make the house more emotionally appealing for me and not feel so awkward while I'm here. I feel safe but then again I feel very uncomfortable. It's not my house. It's my parents home and always will be and it will always feel like that. With them not here in it, I feel slightly uncomfortable. I went to Walmart that night around 10pm to get a few things I needed since I made adjustments in the furniture. I got back around 11pm. I sat watched a tv show and went back to what I was doing. So the door bell goes off around 12:30am and it's crazy from yesterday. Did I mention he's 50 and some of his kids are younger than me?? Unfortunately with my front and storm doors, they're so old there's a terrible glare. So I can't see who's outside. I can't even look out either windows to see especially if whoever it is, is in a blind spot. He said he came to see if I wanted company. I'm like no. He's like well what are you doing. Cleaning and moving furniture. He's like I can help. I told him I don't need your help. And he's like well I can't go home and I came to see you. I don't have time for company. I have to go to church in the morning. He seem to get disgusted and asked if I thought about what he said. I told him no, I have more important things to think about and it doesn't include that. So he's like you're saying I don't have a chance?? I'm like no you do not. He's like you hurt my feelings. I'm sorry but no. He leaves. 

Now he told me he no longer lives at the top of my street. He moved two streets over going down. So I'm wondering why are you passing your supposed house to come to mine?? I saw his supposed wife this week and she have me a real funky look. I pretended like I didn't see her because I don't know what he said to her or what frame of mind she's in. 

He comes past yesterday evening after I got back from my second job and his excuse for coming is to "check on me." One night he came pass and wanted to know who I had in my house because a car was parked in front of my house. I'm like I don't know what you're talking about nor do I know who's car that is and I don't care. He kept asking me like it's an issue. Anyway. Yesterday he brought a friend with him. The friend stood in my driveway. I tried to look out the living and dining rooms' windows but can't see anything. Since he's shorter than me, I can't see him from the front door window. I open the door and he immediately snatches on my store door. I pulled it back and cracked it and he's telling me how he came to see me and goes into this reason of why I haven't seen him because he's supposedly working. When I could care less and I wasn't searching for him and let him know that. So he says I'm working so I can save up money and take you out. I'm no that's ok, I don't have time for that. He's like you have free time. I don't. He's like you're not doing nothing now. I'm like you interrupted my cleaning. When I have free time I'm either sleep or cleaning the house. So he says well you'll get off in the summer. I told him I doubt that. He's like yes you will be off in the summer. I'm like I don't think so. He says it again. So I'm like well if I am, I'll be looking for work. I'm looking for another job now. I don't have time. So he mumbles some incoherent jargon and then demands I give him something to do. I'm like I don't have anything for you to do. So he's like you going to be mine I'm going to keep trying. I'm like I seriously doubt that. So then he says I'm going to keep trying even if it takes me forever. I'm like if you say so but I seriously doubt that. 

So now I have to find away to make some money to get a surveillance camera so I can see who's on the porch without having to be forced to open the door. And asking who is it a lot of people refuse to answer so I'm like I don't have time for this nonsense. 

I even had an ex-con call my phone and ask me for sex. I have no clue who he was, where he got my number and I have NEVER in my life associated with someone who went to jail. 

Because of these last few encounters I've had with men—I officially hate men, they turn me off and take me to such an uncomfortable level it makes me cry literally. They creep me out. I don't like this new found attraction because I have a house and car. No I'm not your meal ticket and damn sure ain't going to consider it. Not even in the craziest or mindsets! No one can fix this, I'm mentally damaged and have no interests of whatsoever in men. I'll talk to them and respect them but I'm not interested, especially if they're going to be creepy and demanding. I'm contented being a cat lady.

Then I talked to my cousin who's afraid of everything and anything outside her house. And she wants to give me advice and tell me this and tell me that. She's been having me look for the job at the hospital that I told her I haven't been able to find. So today she tells me I see something different than you when I look. Well no fucking wonder it hasn't been working! So now she wants to help and then give this whole you should've known bullshit lecture. Last time I talk to her she got disgusted because I said I wanted to leave Pittsburgh. I hate it here. Why am I staying. Then she's like what it you got sick or got in trouble if you lived out of state. I'm thinking BITCH I WAS HOMELESS FOR 4 MONTHS WHO THE FUCK HELPED ME HERE??? Family sucks ass when they don't help or treat each other like strangers and enemies. My family is gone so I might as well leave here. I might be able to find a better opportunity and maybe encounter some people I can get slightly get along with. 

After her bullshit. I went to the bathroom and after went to the office and grabbed candy and ran to my bedroom to goggle it down and then I realized I'm making myself sick. I'm eating because of stress. The thought of it made me go into a anxiety attack and now I have an upset stomach. The sad thing is I noticed my clothes were fitting or felt snug. I dismissed it. But while I sat there with my rollos in my hand, I thought about all the food I was was mindless eating without actually feeling hungry and thinking the whole while it's ok. 

So I think in going to fast starting today and not eat anything for the whole week and see how it goes. See if I can get this binge eating under control. And not have it spiral into another problem or make myself sick. 

I just don't like my situation but I'm in a position where there's nothing I can do about it. I can't leave Pittsburgh because I don't have the means financially to do it. And uprooting with no place to go to is ridiculous. I can't find a steady permanent job because what I have experience doing is now down my computers and smartphones. I don't know anyone to help me who isn't already retired. This school bus gig is more of a pain than a help. I love my webcam job but I hate the fact that I have to sell my pussy for $1 maybe $2 if I'm lucky. I'm selling to cheapskates who blow money on some skank. My hair is falling out and I'm beyond frustrated. I get so tired of people telling me how blessed and how happy I should be but I'm not they don't know what it's like to have no family at all and what little I do have all have problem. Like who the fuck says I'm hear when you need me call me and then never answers the fucking phone or tells me bluntly I'm not helping you or taking care of you I don't give a shit if you're homeless or not. So I'm like fuck family. I came into a problem because what little my mother left me, had to go getting my house back, fixing and repairing it and paying for services and shit and even to have access to the money which fucked my life up that much more. Everyone's on that if you talk with the lord, no fuck that I shouldn't have to talk to him when he put me in this fucked up situation. When I needed his help the most, I got fucking ignored and people are like well you just have to accept that—NO, screw that. I'm not going to thank you when I wake up when I'm living in hell. I don't need people giving me advice when they aren't contributing to my cause or helping me correct my problem.


Honestly I just want to be left alone, and go to work and pay my bills and come home to my two kittens and patiently wait for death to summon me. I don't need friends or family or that extra fuckery that comes along with those things. I really don't. It's like when I wanted a relationship with a guy or wanted to have kids or have my own family I wasn't ready, wasn't good enough, and of course it's never the right time. But now when I don't have a need for it and been practically alone or a loner what-have-you, now I need to do it. But why?? I've been single forever with guys, girls suck here as far as bisexuality is concerned. If I've lived 26 years without it, I'm pretty sure I'll be ok the years to come.

You know the saying, "That was the last straw [that broke the camel's back]"? Well mine was a piece of candy...hmmph.

Sphallolalia

I get a lot of Sphallolaliacs in my life, and probably more than my fair share.

Sophrosyne

Bakkushan | バックシャン

Sehnsucht

Nyctophilia

Solivagant

Equivocate

Primogeniture