As The Carrot Turns: THE TENT

So my parents loved their backyard. It was their oasis: sunroom, waterfall & pond, an upper terrace, more botanicals than you can stick a shake at. Soooo Dad buys this tent from BOSCOVS and of course being the only son I had to help put the fucker together with him. So he never anchored it properly. So I’m like dad what about anchors?? And he’s like it’s cool beans fagget about it—AIGHT!

This wicked ass rain storm came thru one day. I was out, dad’s at work. Moms home by herself. I eventually come home after the storm and mom says is the tent still back there and I’m like where else would it be?? Tf. She says she heard a lot of noise in the back and there was crashing and banging 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 ok ma I’ll go check. I walk around to the back yard and BAM! Tents gone 😳. I looked over to the left (you sang it didn’t you lol) and the tent looks at me and starts doing what’s in that gif and I’m like do what you wanna do I don’t have time for this. I walk back around. My moms on the porch like IS THE TENT OK?????? 🥺 I mean ya I guess so ion know sway. She’s like what that mean??? We’ll wait for yo husband to come home. Phone rings it’s the neighbor, mom answers. Neighbor says is Mr. RAMSEY home?? Mama says nah what you want??? Neighbor says his tent is in my backyard 😐 mom looks at me and I look back like tf you expected me to do?? Mom says ok hangs up; dials my dad tells him he can’t stop for snacks after work he gotta come straight home. He rushes tf home from the IRS (yes we both worked there) all my mom was able to say to him was YOUR TENT this man lost his ever loving mind threw his keys and cell phone and attaché bag down and went running to the backyard (like the dude in get out) I go back there too coz I’m nosy lol. My dad starts the theatrics and I’m like yo bro calm down look it’s over there. And he looks over to the left and says HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET OVER THERE?? I’m like it ran over there 😐 and he’s like ITS NOT FUNNY LESANS—I’m not trying to be funny dad. So my dad collects himself 🧐 and says c’mon we need to go get it. WHOA WHATS THIS FRENCH YOU SPEAK OF????

Needless to say we flipped that big bitch over two yards to get back to our yard. And then we went to Home Depot or Lowe’s one of the two to get the anchors to make sure it didn’t run off again

Yawl have no idea how excited I was when that tent finally broke 🤗😅 #dontjudgeme

Say It Isn't So!?

Well fellow moonies if you haven't heard the bad news by now, I'll try to break it to you as easy as I can....

I was checking my email minding my own business and I'm reading the newsletter I get from Nerdist News & TokyoPop. they have confirmed that the 20th Anniversary airing of the new Sailor Moon series is not only delayed but it might not air officially until the end of Next Year!!


The newsletter stated that one of the editors on the new Sailor Moon project accidentally had a slip of the tongue on twitter (of all places!) and said that the project had been delayed. It was also suggested at that time that it wouldn't air until the 2014 Winter season. The Kodansha editor Fumio Osano, also known as Osabu, tried to clarify his 140 character statement by saying that yes the anime is delayed and as for it coming out in 2014 that's a big maybe. I took it as that its a draw between this upcoming Winter season and sometime in 2014 and for all we know it may not be until 2015. Which to me is kind of sad and a disappointment and shows little professionalism in their regards.

You don't promise something and then don't produce it. Even if they had to make the first season 13 or 26 or so episodes. That's better than saying well not right now it'll be happening sometime soon. That's worst that procrastination. Not only did you announce it was coming out this year, but even went so far to say definitely this summer..I was super duper excited and planned to plan my summer around it but now it's sort of a bummer and I really don't know if I'll be excited when it comes out. I don't know fellow moonies. Maybe they'll get it together and figure out what they're doing exactly soon—hopefully...

Prideful

Hi kids!

It’s been forever! And honestly I’m sorry. I’m a horrible friend lol. I’ll catch up later. 

One thing I wanted to talk about today is related to Pride Month. I love it when June comes and all the parades and soirées. The rainbow themed everything! Including my rainbow hair that I just took out last night. But something bothered me today. It was the third time this month it happened. And honestly what’s crazy I haven’t dealt with the disrespectful nature of others pertaining to my sexuality in years actually. 

So for those of you that don’t know I claim bisexuality. I’ve been bisexual for well over 10 years now. And bicurious way before that. It’s never been a phase. It’s been a way of life for me. It took me a long time to come out because my dad didn’t approve of the culture. He respected it but didn’t like it. My mom was slightly the same way but eventually opened up more as I got older. My mom knew I was bisexual. She knew I dated a girl. She knew I dated guys. She knew I had sex with both. Most of my family knows about it. Majority don’t accept it at all. But I also don’t care. 

I never liked people telling me I was going to meet this great guy as a young girl and he be my everything and love me and all this goodness. Men would be flocking themselves at me. I realized at 14/15 years old that wasn’t happening. The boys found me weird/gross/unattractive. I was a late bloomer so I didn’t look like the other 14 year olds who had more ass and titties than Wendy Williams and Kim Kardashian combined. And I never got those moments of being asked out or taken on dates or just loved properly by boys/men in general. I realized then I didn’t want to be waiting on Prince Charming and he’s never really interested in me. Why can’t I be with the Princess?? I can have a girl who’s my best friend, whom I love and get to go shopping with, do fun things and sex of course. Why not do that?? 

I was 21 when I decided to stop fighting it and learned to accept it. Took a year or two to finally convince my mom. She would ask me when I’m getting married and get mad when I’d say I’m marrying a girl. I remember National Coming Out day like back in 2011 or so. And I said to my mom jokingly MOM IM GAY. She looked at me and said honestly I don’t care. Just make sure whatever “thing” you marry has money and takes care of you. But she was contented with how I felt and it wasn’t a burden. I didn’t feel ashamed or weird. Even when I encountered Men who didn’t approve of my sexuality she would be there to tell me that they didn’t know what they were missing. Or she’d say something cross like they’re probably the same as you and haven’t come out of the closet either so they’re jealous. 

I didn’t understand then how much true bisexual people were overlooked and mistreated. Don’t misunderstand—men and women can both be shitty. Believe me I know. I’m not justifying one is better than the other. Nothing like that. But I’ve had straight me shame me. I’ve had lesbians shame me. Am I a fan of either no not necessarily. I even take offense when men assume I’m a lesbian. I’m not. Never was. I like men and women equally. Even though I’m more of a pansexual. I like both. And have no switch or phase or a need for adjustment to be with a man or woman. But as I got older and the more “straight” encounters I’ve had I realized that men just don’t do it for me. Yeah maybe I’m confused now. But I still find men attractive I just don’t want to have sex with them or any intimate encounter with them. Like we can bros and chit chat and that’s it. I don’t want sex, relationship, or Netflix & Chill from you. I’m not interested. My vagina is DRY as the Las Vegas desert if you even suggest anything sexual between me and a man. Sorry not sorry. So whatever it is that’s going on now is basically me being homoflexible. Why? I dunno. It just is. 

But this month to have a few men shame me. Tell me I’m wrong or how it’s unnatural for me to like women is ridiculous. Like first of all sir I wasn’t made to make you happy or fit into your sick ass cookie cutter world of fuckery. At this point being 32 a relationship with a man is a waste to me. The men I attract or ended up with in the past weren’t good for me. They weren’t trying to love me for being me. They like I have a pretty face, a house, a car, 2 jobs and an over abundance amenities. No man has ever acted, treated or said I was the best thing in their world and life wouldn’t be the same without me in it. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, given a STD, clowned, disrespected and just broken down into pieces unknown. I don’t like that feeling I don’t like having to put myself back together while missing parts of the puzzle. Now my girlfriend she did the same thing. Surprising? Not at all. The difference—she actually apologize. Even though it was late, and I feel half assed it was still an apology and we were able to discuss how we ended up in such a fucked up place. We chat here and there since then. I still have love for her. She’d probably be the only ex I’d go back to. However the men I had, no apology and no remorse. Nothing. And yes it left me bitter and jaded. No I don’t want to forgive you and accept a missing apology but I did so, so that I could move on and live life. But now I’m overly cautious and I feel all men are trying to play me or just wants a fuck and leave. I don’t want that. I don’t like it. But I also learned to let it go and not make time for it. 

I don’t want it conveyed that I’m ashamed or confused. I’m not. I know what I like and what I want. If it has to be a man he needs to be making 8-figures. Call me shallow all you but I look at it like this—if at the end of the day I’m not good enough, sexy enough, emotional enough, feminine enough or whatever it maybe that may make a man stray from me and go and cheat and be with someone else (emotionally, sexually or to make a baby with another woman while telling me to abort mine), I want money. Fuck it. If a man feels I need to stay while he wants to be a whole homemade asshole and philanderer then money is going to be the only reason I stay. I don’t care if we married or not. And if he ain’t got the funds then I’m not interested. Just like ain’t no man interested if my lawn is cut or I’m not struggling financially. So I don’t care either. So that’s just how I feel. Call it what you want. I also don’t care. I refuse to love another man and my feelings and over all existence are taken for granted or treated like a cigarette butt. I’m not step mom material and I’m not going to wait for him to grow up and adult like he should’ve been doing either. I don’t want to be taking from my already built foundation to help build his and he has little to no interest in replacing the missing pieces from me. 

Now when I voice that, men immediately say well women cheat and do shit too. Yes sir I know. I'm not dating no lesbians who don’t like bisexual women. I'm also not dealing with any women who claim bisexuality as an attention-getter or because their 3rd boyfriend pissed them off. I don’t have time for the shits. At all. Which is why I’m also not dating or interested in dating. I like coming home to a peaceful home and no drama and being able to do what I want to do. I like not having to argue with someone or ask them if they love me enough for the day. 

But stop assuming bisexual people are confused or ashamed. Don’t tell them you find it disgusting. You just can’t be rude to someone because you don’t agree with their lifestyle or beliefs. You’re no better than Trump. And if you disagree you’re part of the problem. 

I’m allowed to be attracted to men and not have any interested in sexual intercourse with them. I’m allowed to be attracted to women and want to marry a woman some day. I’m allowed to have a mini orgasm over a plate of spaghetti. Dammit I’m allowed. And if you don’t like it ok and? I don’t like that your didn’t know how to swallow so I guess we both have problems now don’t we??? 

Bottom line. It’s ok to disagree and not like something. But you shouldn’t voice that directly to the person and hope they have a positive reaction or like you better for it. That’s now how this works. I don’t go around telling people something that I know would personally hurt their feelings and possibly traumatize them or affect their self esteem in a negative way because I disapprove and I want them to change. Like screw that, the differences in people is what makes life exciting and new and brings experiences in your life that you thought you'd never experience. 

Reason 8: To Be or Not To Be…

It’s funny how when you’re a kid and being raised, there’s all these do’s and don’ts as far as what your actions are concerned. What I mean by that is, I remember also being told to be a good girl, with morals and smart and pretty so that all the boys will fawn over me. Because no one wants a fast little girl (one who was doing any and everything).  But then you become this tweenager and you dream of having your first boyfriend and how wonderful it will be. Then—BAM—you find out that the boys like the little fast girls, going on dates and all that silly shit everyone else told you is not on the agenda at all.

 

But it took a long time for me to learn that it’s not ok to let people try and mold me or build me into something or someone I’m not. It’s exhausting for one and then it’s just inconsiderate. I’ll appreciate an honest opinion, however I’m not going to accept listening to this suggestion and then it’s followed by a scolding. The hell?? I remember when my mom passed away. The first thing everyone was telling me wasn’t ‘sorry for your lost, is there anything I can do?’ no it was ‘WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES?!’ Um, how about no thank you. Then I had to listen to the whole rhetoric of how I need a man, and how no one (my family) is going to take care of me or be bothered because that’s my husband’s job. To even saying how I was too fat, I needed to stop smoking, go back to school, get prettied up and go out and meet this man so I can have my first kid before I hit 30, while married of course. No matter what that was the conversation anytime I saw someone. It got so bad that my aunts were legit picking up random 20-something year olds and telling them about me and giving them my number like I’m some desperate muffin looking to be touched…. NO NO NO. Then the shit hit the fan when I got Hawthorn, EVERYONE LOST THIS EVER LOVING MINDS!! Like they weren’t ready. Then I heard about that, I’m not trying hard enough or I need to get a dog to balance it out because I shouldn’t want to be a cat lady.

 

Well fuck. I shouldn’t want to be a miserable trophy wife with kids I never wanted either.

 

But here’s the kicker. Got with my ex, everyone disliked that he had kids already and was older. They everyone spazzed when I got pregnant. Wanted to tell me I was wrong and I shouldn’t be getting pregnant and how no one’s going to help me with the baby BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hmmkay. Just yesterday you were telling me I needed to get a man and have a baby. I do both of those and that’s wrong. Ok. Gotcha!

 

 

Now, they still nitpick about me now being 31 with more cats and no man or children. Honestly I don’t give a flying fuck either. I wasn’t put on this earth to be everyone else’s happiness while sacrificing my own.  Even friends do it too, and spouses. Like stop trying to recreate someone into something you can tolerate and be happy with. Either accept them as is or move on to someone else. I’m not going to be the virgin, PhD having, great job, big house, 3 cars, married to a surgeon, 5 kids who all go to private school and will be doctors, lawyers and politicians with 2 dogs and a cat….. Yeah that’s not my kind of lifestyle. Yes at one point I wanted to be married with kids but that changed once I seen the uglier side of things. I don’t ever want to experience a divorce. Regardless of what anyone says, a man of today don’t even want to spend time with you on a date let alone spend 40years with you on purpose. The fuck. Maybe in the 50s & 60s that work. But not in 2018. Just like I had to learn to accept people as they are, I expect them to do the same for me. I’m contented how I am. Yes there’s always room for improvement for me to be a better version of my current self. However I’m not going to compromise or water myself down to be tolerable for other people. I’m not going to try to be someone that I’m not or I don’t feel comfortable being. You either like me or you don’t and either way I’m going to continue to be me, regardless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Table pt. 1

Bring to the table - offer, contribute, supply, give

 

Hi kids,

 

This is going to be a two-parter because it turned out longer than I planned on. But it’s good when the cup runneth over lol. Or so they tell me.

 

 

Anyways—

 

 

So I decided to talk about this since lately I’ve been seeing more and more MEN on my social media accounts proclaiming that they are tired of womens’ shit and don’t appreciate her taking advantage of his kindness and being ignorant to his worth. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Not that it’s a bad thing, I feel all people should be proud of who they are and voice their pride and worth to others. As well as demand the respect on how they wanted to be treated (or appreciated) as a person. I’m all for that. But what’s baffling is the fact that men are like whining about it now, yet women have been putting up with this bullshit for probably centuries now. Like what the hell is going on?

 

What I found interesting out of all this, is men and women  posting their standards or the needed qualifications to be in a relationship (if you want to call it that) with them. Like when you date me my kids are part of the package, or you have to be there for me when I’m struggling and broke so we can build an empire together, or there’s more to life than sex and how we need to be able to chill and enjoy each other company or how we should be able to save up and travel or buy a house. I’m over here like wait a damn minute, now when I talked all this shit before I got major attitude and told I’m being too bourgeois. Well shit. Like why you get to have all these standards, scattergories, qualifications, a sacrificial virgin….. SHUT THE HELL UP.  You cannot sit there and demand all these things from someone and you yourself don’t even have or lack entirely. That’s rude. NO ONE goes to the McDonald’s demanding their big mac first and picking at it before paying. You’ve got to give to get.

 

Hold up, though. People misunderstand this whole give-to-get scenario. They make it one sided like if he/she isn’t giving me what I need I’m leaving them, or I’m taking their ass to court, I’m taking the kids—so on and so forth. Yeah OK, so what did you give to them?? Nothing. Well hell you can’t expect to get something and give it back. Like my ex for example, he thought it was ok for me to give him money when he needed, head when he wanted, took him to work when his car broke down—the whole nine. But did he do any of that for me? No. Told me specifically that he didn’t have to. But there’s tons of people like him. There’s also those that have outrageously high expectations of what someone else is supposed to be. Even those who lack the qualifications, but still demand that those are overlooked for whatever greater good they’re fighting. That’s not how the table works. Metaphorically the table is similar to the dining table. We both are going to “eat” from this table and it’ll be ours. To a point that’s correct. But this isn’t like a restaurant where everything you need/want is brought to you by a server and the things you don’t like or don’t want can be ignored or picked up. No, no, honey. The table is more like a detachable tray so to speak. You bring your little tray and snap it into other trays and make the “table.” Each tray is different, and each come with something or many things different from what you got. So that’s the table portion. Now the whole matching part is like a weed session. There I said it. Those of you that don’t know: you have a friend and say hey let’s have a weed session (smoke and toke), do you wanna match? Which basically means they bring a nugget of weed or a rolled blunt and you have your nugget of weed or rolled blunt. If there’s two nuggets/blunts then you match them two. If there’s three friends or four, doesn’t matter—we’re all bringing the same goods and we share and eat cookies and have a good old fashion time all high and shit. That’s the same formula of matching we should be using with the table. 

 

Honestly I’ll say I didn’t get it, until what yesterday night and it dawned on me. I guess epiphanies can happen in the shower too lol. I can say I didn’t start thinking about it until I was about 26ish, met this guy who was nice. He had an apartment, a job, no kids, really dope personality. We talked and talked and at one point I felt bad because I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer him. Which made me wonder if that’s why it was so important for girls to play house, learn to cook, sew and clean. It was like an alternative option for the “table” I always thought. That whole thing fell through when he told me he couldn’t date me because I lived in a horrible neighborhood (yet where he lived at was worse than where I lived—go figure).  So I began thinking that this “matching” was like having my own stuff, my own money and that’ll be enough. As you get older you realize oh hey there’s something else I need to add on this list (which is “your standards”). But you realize your list isn’t physically possible and you have to sit there and fine tune or sometimes compromise with an individual to make this thing work. I feel we compromise too much and that leads to settling. And the settling leads to being miserable or the feeling of being stuck in something you don’t want but feel like there’s nothing out there for you. 

 

Since I’ve reached my 30s I get asked more often about my relationship or why I’m single. Well because I wanna be what the fuck. But they don’t like that answer and want to hit me with those “what about that lonely night” or “you’re gonna miss having someone love on you” cockamamie bullshit. Um, first of all I can’t miss something I never had. Secondly you got me on several tiers of fucked up right now. Now when I was a fresh 20ish yeah I’d be all over that. But 10 years later on my own and adulting like a mafia boss, my wants and needs changed as well as what I would and would not settle for. Even then I wasn’t doing it right. Not that there’s a right or wrong way, but more of a understanding of what exactly you’re doing. I remember being 20ish wanted to be with a man 2 years plus my senior, whom I’d married at 22, we’d have 6 kids (3 boys, 3 girls), our own house, at least 3 cars, pets galore, we’d both work and be happy and live happily ever after. However my little fantasy fairy tale wasn’t realistic with what was available. And unfortunately I ended up compromising and then on to fine tuning my standards to fit those around me. But think about it. If a puzzle piece doesn’t fit, you don’t make adjustments to the puzzle to FORCE it to fit, you find another piece right? Or sometimes leave an empty space there. Too many time we adjust ourselves to fit this person into our lives that really wasn’t meant to fit or be fully apart of it in the first place. It’s meant to be a brief encounter. Nothing more, nothing less. 

 

 

But here is where the “matching” gets complicated. We get older, blindsided and confused about what we want anymore. We’ve tried all angles to get in a relationship and hope that at least this person just ACKNOWLEDGES that I exist and learn to love and appreciate me.  Then we become all discombobulated and assume that some of the worst actions of a person is their own way of showing love. Which is wrong. And we’ll talk about that another day. Within all this, we just start rattling off what that person doesn’t possess or don’t have or not what we need. We feel that we need to mold them into something that is more tolerable and efficient to say the least. Instead of accepting that person for who they are and seeing how they fit into our lives. Now think about all the things you want in a person—EVERYTHING that makes them the IDEAL MATE for you…..

 

 

Think on it, answer it honestly and come back to me tomorrow for part 2.

 

Reason 5: Work Ethics

I always thought I had a pretty decent worth ethic. I learned the basics from my parents and always felt ready for the working world. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was prepared but definitely not ready. I was told by my parents that if I showed up to work on time, be a team player and go in everyday no issues the employer will love me and I’d have little to no issues. I could succeed within the positon and company and create a career. Which is true, but only so much.

 

They only talked to me about how work ethics worked when they were working which is some 40 year difference. Then jobs accepted people and trained them and gave them job security. Jobs nowadays barely even offer paid time off or health care. I never thought working would so damned difficult. There I said it. I don’t care. It’s difficult as fuck for no reason. The prisons treat the inmates better than these companies do. I took my parents taught me into my jobs but I never considered that they would go unappreciated and I would be taken for granted and advantage of. I would be considered more of a crutch to the company opposed to an asset.

 

I had to learn that being early gets noticed but not for me being a diligent worker. One job had me show up almost an hour early before my schedule shift and then not pay me for it. Others have had me start as soon as I got there. No no. I start at 11:30 I’mma be ready for work at 11:31 not 11:14ambut you don’t start paying me until 11:31…. No no honey it don’t work that way and I’m not having it. I’ve had my paycheck messed up and no one wanted to fix or correct it. I’ve been promised time off and it get revoked without my knowledge. Even when getting dismissed from a company I received misinformation or information LATE and then told it was my fault I didn’t ask. How am I going to ask for information that is supposed to be given to me so I know to ask. It’s not like we’re talking potty training here or that we know blue and red makes purple. This is that oh you should’ve know that blue and orange make gray or that 1-2 month old kittens don’t know how to pee unless you rub their tummy. Shit that I need told to me. But I’m supposed to know this next level knowledge. I don’t like that. But I know it comes from this well I had to do it and so will you thought process but that’s not fair to jeopardize someone’s livelihood to quench your insatiable thirst.

 

However, I learned something with the last two jobs I had. Just can’t do my FUCK THIS JOB I’M LEAVING temper tantrum anymore. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder to find a job, let alone trying to find help. Single women are the country’s favorite thing unless we’re getting married and popping out babies. So instead of spazzing out like I want to do, I can’t I have to accept the mistreatment *eye roll* and keep it pushing if I want my job.

 

But(!) I decided to do things differently this time. I’ve been working diligently on my side business. I always pushed it to the side because I felt it wasn’t a right time or I wasn’t as financially stable as I wanted to be. So I continuously put it off, plus I wasn’t sure what it was going to be anyway. Yeah I did my flips and sold items years ago, but I needed to do something more. Especially now since items and resources are so readily available. I consider doing nails but I also didn’t want to be put in the position where someone is petty and wants to report me. However someone gave me an idea last year and I was able to turn that idea into something and it started me to think of other things to do. So now I’m making hair jewelry, eventually I’ll be starting on bath bombs, lip balms, soaps, maybe bath salts and still perfecting roller ball perfume. But what if I start something magical and not so clichéd? I think that’ll be awesome. I’m super excited about it. So between my 2 jobs, I’ll be working on my business as well. Lets not forget I wrote 3 books, and hoping to publish more (goal is to publish 2 this month). Since I’m self-publishing I’m still working on getting it distributed across all platforms as well. I don’t want to work for someone else’s dream to make a livelihood while being unappreciated the entire time. Yeah I know I won’t hit instant success but I also don’t want to be stuck scrounging for income because I lost a job or had one taken from me because someone else saw fit. That’s ok, I have a backup plan to a backup plan and I’m damned and determined to succeed.

Reason 4: Crying Helps

I used to think that you had to be strong for all things in life. People take the benefit of the doubt of crying as a child because it’s a form of expression then. But as you get older they say to stop crying or stop your whining, you need to grow up or toughen up. But why exactly? Probably the reason why so many people have mental issues because society regulates when and how they can be emotional so to speak.

 

Unfortunately I was a product of it to. Crying was always bad. I’m a crybaby. I can recall spending a many of days in my room crying or sobbing softly to myself because I didn’t want to be scolded or ridiculed by my parents, family or friends for being weak. They made me feel that was my most vulnerable state and my world would fall utterly apart if anyone saw me or heard me shed a tear too many. To a point it did help. It toughen me up where it’s rare if I do cry. Then I came across a saying that state crying helps cleanse the soul. Which I do agree. But I think it does more than that. It relieves the frustration that was building up, that break down helps make things clearer, it brings that raw emotion that is by far the most fascinating that we don’t see every day. We see sadness or forced sadness but never someone crying. Babies cry at everything…but you’ll never see an adult doing the same.

 

When my dad passed, I cried a lot. When my mom passed, I cried here and there but it was so emotionless. To the point it bothered people that I was walking around sobbing. HUH? What do you mean?? What the hell? Then it dawned on me well people want to see you cry to take pity on you and it gives them an emotional boost. I remembered it from when my dad passed everyone was so sorrowful and wanted to be helpful. But when the help was really needed or wanted; they had more excuses than a man caught cheating on wife. It was sickening to me. But I refused to be in the same situation crying for comfort and people aren’t doing it for my best interest or out of love but to feel inferior to me. So I refused to cry. I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or vulnerable. 

 

It bothered people. A lot. 

 

 

But then shortly after my mother passing, and things weren’t going right and people were treating me like crap and the realization of being just ME on my own forever. It tore me apart. I wanted to cry but I knew that I shouldn’t because I didn’t want to be weak. But I learned that I can hide how I truly feel. Whether I’m being honest with other people or not. I need to be true to myself. I learned I started to feel a whole lot better when I did cry, even if I was in so much pain. People are going to judge and say I’m weak because I haven’t experience child birth or had my first love break my heart… there is not measurement in how broken you can feel.  There isn’t a determination of worthiness when you need to breakdown and cry. Shit happens, although crying doesn’t alleviate the issue, it takes off some of the frustration and cloudiness.

 

Now I find that the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I watched a kid movie a while ago and I started sobbing uncontrollably like a baby. I got teary eyed driving to work today thinking about the bad day I had yesterday, even though I cried about it yesterday after work. It’s sad as hell but I like it. I feel like I’m back on the right path. I feel emotionally better, it still needs work but I feel like the burden has been lifted some. I feel like I’m on a new journey of rediscovering who I am and who I was.

Reason 2: It’s Ok To Be A Screw Up

So one thing, that I feel I’m a professional in is screwing up. Whether it’s Big Time or Royally—I’m a pro at it. The craziest part about it all is the fact that it used to bother me a lot. Because other people were bothered by my mistakes or human errors or screws ups. I used to feel bad for disappointing them and making them feel some sort emotion whatever that is. In a weird way, I do understand. You put your hopes and dreams into a person place them on the highest pedestal and have exaggeratedly high expectations—only to be let down HARD and be emotional. So yeah, I get that. However, why do we even do that? We never as people accept someone for who they are and what they bring to the table. We always expect more, want to change them or live in this fantasy world. But that can’t be. Because then you’re not even getting what you want, because of course over time people change, wants change, even needs change. Yet it’s our first go-to as a human when being mutually involved with another human being. It’s crazy!

 

Anyway. Knowingly disappointing people made me feel bad, real bad. I would be depressed or mope around. Probably cry in a corner somewhere over it lol. I hated it because I felt like everyone around me wanted me to be someone that I wasn’t or didn’t feel comfortable in being. I felt like I was being forced to be someone I didn’t know and I had no say in the matter of it.  Whether it was by my parents, family, friends or potential “boyfriends” I felt like I had to change into a LeSans that was more aesthetically pleasing to them. Forget about how I felt or what I wanted. 

 

It was until I gotten older, in college I screwed up bad. My dad was pissed. Even when I felt the only way to fix the issue was to leave college, he told me no. Well later I told my mom about my issue then with my dad she told me we’ll you should’ve dropped out that would’ve shown him. I’m like WHUT?! What do you mean? She said well if you didn’t like it or didn’t feel comfortable you can always leave a situation no matter what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. He wasn’t there so he can’t say if it was hard or difficult. But he can’t tell you to do something if you felt it wasn’t right. Which was weird coming from her. But she was right. Sometimes we can’t focus on the outcome or the other person’s feelings, we come first, we make mistakes, we screw up. Until we learn to embrace that quirk we can never be ok with anything else in life. We’ll be too focus on what someone else will say or how they’ll feel. 

 

So guess what? I’m a college dropout from an Ivy League school (more of a flunkie), I’ve been pregnant on several occasions (much to my chagrin) luckily not a mom trying hard to keep it that way. I’m always in a new job whether I quit or lose it, I stay for maybe a year or so lol. I fucked up on my bills like ALL THE TIME. Even fucked up royally with the IRS. I’ve messed up friendships trying to be a friend or being too submissive. I got fucked over by fuck boys in every way and form possible. I’m a disappointment to my family, friends hate me and men can’t stand me. I’m what they call a bitter ass old cat lady and you know what??? I love every single moment of it. I have no one to please but myself. I know I’m a screw up and I make sure that I don’t try to be too hard on myself. If I make a goal I try to stick with it, if I don’t oh well no biggie. I’ll try again next time, hopefully tomorrow. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Neither should you.

 

So next time someone throws a major fit on you because you were being human, you tell that obnoxious prick to fuck off because if you did it to them they would be ever so emotionally dramatic will the fall out. Let them know you’re proud to be a screw up. 

31 Reasons

Hi Kids!

 

So I decided to take some inspiration from “13 Reasons Why” and create 31 Reasons Why. Not so much in the negative or sad state. But in a positive state and hopefully be able to inspire someone or prompt you all to do the same thing. And what exactly is different about the 31 Reasons Why?? A Lot. It’s nothing to do with suicide nor am I knocking it in anyway or form. Since I turned 31 this past Sunday, I spent a lot of time these last few weeks and months reflecting on my life, myself and goals I would like to accomplish as I continue to grow. A lot has happened and some of the things I’ve experienced took a bigger toll on me, others blew me completely away and I was never ready for the outcome of it.

 

Turning 31 has definitely been interesting. Even though I feel like I’m 92 honestly. My bones and everything aches like a motherfucker but what can you do? I tolerate it because I don’t want to smell like Bengay or Icy Hot lol. I can say this has been a really decent birthday in a long time. So that made me very happy. It also got me thinking about a few things, which is how I got to this point. I wanted to reflect on the things I’ve learned this last year or so. Things I hope for in the years to come. And also on how much I have and will be growing. It hit me heavy but it opened my mind and gave me a small but loud wake up call.  I was going to jot these down as small posts but eventually changed my mind and decided to make them more detailed and in depth. 

 

So I’ll be posting at least once or twice a day for this and I hope you all enjoy this little journey. It’s gonna be fun! Now what I will do is make a list at the bottom so if you happened to come in later on (which is fine, better late than never!) you can click on the topic and not have to sift through all the posts on here lol.

 

 

Reason 1

Happy Mama’s Day

I just wanna wish all the mommies [and daddies] out there a very Happy Mother’s Day. May you all have many more and may your children appreciate you even more!! Cherish one another because one day it’ll just be another Sunday...

Hoppy Easter

Hi kids!!

SO I just wanted to wish everyone a very very Happy Easter and a Happy April Fools Day as well! Enjoy your day, have a blast and I'll talk to you soon!

Happy Valentines Day

The Everything Condom

 

Talk

Unfuckwithable

 

Bitchcraft

 

Bitch

 

When You No Longer Give A Fuck

 

As The Carrot Turns

So since I'm no longer working, I'm back to my Bunny Mobile Car Service and picking peoples up and driving them here, there even to and fro! Honestly I'm already tired of it. The traffic has been REDONKULOUS these last couple days like what the actual fuck?!

I dunno if I can take much more of this....

Whisper: Bye Felucious!