A Half Child

I came across this random post on Facebook earlier during my insomnia. About people finding out about their half siblings. It was through Whisper. I decided to read it, but it wasn't until I kept scrolling that it hit home for me. It started to hurt. Because all I could think of is that my kid is going to be in that position. All because me and her dad couldnt work out our differences. In step further him being difficult and uncooperative. 

However the more I scrolled the more I got disturbed and wondered how many people felt like this? I have no idea, I never had siblings. The thought or basically for me to know that my child has 3 older brothers and sister that she may never meet or may be able to meet one day but never form any kind of bond bothers me more than me being a single parent. So even though she'll have siblings they may never accept her for whatever the reason may be. They may never acknowledge her. They may even pretend she doesn't exist (kind of what of her father does now). Or they may even sustain a half ass relationship with her to borrow money, mooch off her or just use her. I don't want that either. But it's a weird subject. Honestly I'm not sure how to approach the subject if she ever asks me one day. Like this is all uncharted territory for me and I'm going in ass backwards hoping for the best outcome. 

But I will say this. Even to those who are half siblings or have them. This is coming from an only child. It's better to have ANY KIND of siblings than none at all. 

I can't give my child, aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents. All because it's just me. It sucks. I kind of grew up like that but with both parents. Older cousins, distant aunts and uncles and a grandma who didn't live too long. I remember from grade school it seemed like every other day was sibling day or being your grandmother or grandfather to school day. And I could never participate and always had to take a sit somewhere on my lonesome. But I longed to have siblings. It would be nice to figure things out with a brother or sister. Or to have someone there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Or even be an aunt to someone. I will never get that chance. I KNOW from first hand experience how much it sucks to not have a close family.  It makes you bitter, mean, unhappy and jealous of other families. I personally had family get togethers and holiday dinners because I have to sit in a room full of strangers I'm related to that not only CANNOT spell my name correctly but don't even know how old I am. We don't even have anything generally in common. It's horrid. I hate the winter holidays for that very reason. 

However don't denounce your half siblings because you share just a mom or a dad and have separate families. That's so fucked up. Life is short, and you should be so grateful to have something that a lot of people don't have. 

It's like having your dad walk you down the aisle for your wedding or dancing with him at your reception. A lot of women don't experience it. But if you have a father and he wants to work things out humor him. It's the little things that count. 

I hope that one day even through all this bullshit with her dad. We can get along enough to have the kids meet and maybe form some sort of bond. Plus who wants their kids dating each other??? UGH THATS EVEN WORST!!! 

I damn sure don't want my child dating their half sibling. That's a disaster waiting to happen!

But on the same token if we never come to a mutual agreement. Me and her dad. Then I still will tell her she has 2 brothers and a sister (that I'm aware of). Tell her who her dad is (that he's partially psycho lol). Just got her knowledge so she doesn't feel I'm just here. There's been a lot of times I felt like I'm just here. That my family was only me, my mum and my dad. That's it. I want her aware of other relatives and family members even if she never sees them or create a relationship with them. At least she knows. 

So before you knock having a half sibling. Be happy. That person maybe your life saver one day or that support you needed. 

I'd take a half sibling any day. 

Keep Calm & November

Hi kids!!



It's been forever right??

I've missed you guys and dolls so much! You all don't know how many days I needed to talk to you well mostly vent. But couldn't since I was so busy.



So quick update!



I had to go check and hadn't realized I haven't posted something since August! Damn. Sorry about that. Around that time I had started a second job. So I was working 16hours a day. From 7am to 11pm. Honestly I was tired and exhausted. All just I can afford to live. How lame is that?

In the midst of all this I've been getting the runaround basically. On whether I'm pregnant or not. I got sick and was in and out of the hospital a lot. And the doctors told me yes I was pregnant. To no I'm not pregnant. Yo I have a yeast infection which is caused by my having to pee so much, which is caused by my backache which I hurt at work for heavy lifting (I work in a call center calling people or taking calls). Oh! And I've gained weight for over eating (didn't know one meal a day and a two snacks was over eating). But yet my tummy is growing. My clothes don't fit. And I never had a yeast infection.

But with all of that. My boyfriend of almost two years. Still feels it's not his, it wasn't him and he wants nothing to do with it. What's crazy he was here with me at my house for a whole month which is the same time I got pregnant so I couldn't cheat if I'm with you 24/7.... we worked together so yeah. I'll be honest I love him to death and he means the world to me. But it's like me getting pregnant has ruined everything—for him. It's like sir we're both grown and know what we getting ourselves into. Don't act like this is something new for you. Especially since he has 3 kids already. So not only has he been an ass about that issue. He's been very inconsistent, shady and just horrible to me. Like he did a full 360 on me with his personality. All I can think of if we did get married is this how you gonna act with me? Leaving and not telling me where you're going, little to no contact, I gotta keep asking you to do something for me or listen to you bitch or tell me it's not your responsibility. You're mad I'm pregnant. He even got mad when I got the second job saying I wasn't making enough time for him. Even mad now I got a new job. It's like what the fuck. I bust ass and do everything for him but I can't even get him to be considerate of me, my feelings or my needs. So I've reached the end of my rope where I care about him but I can't imagine being in this relationship another year. Especially if he's going to continue to keep things from me. And disrespect my child. Hell I haven't even met his kids. And he acts like he doesn't want me. Like I feel like he purposely keeps me out of his life. So I just can't anymore. I'm too tired to deal with the nonsense.


So between his bullshit, and the bullshit from both jobs. I was stressed beyond belief. Then my uncle died unexpectedly. And my aunt his wife turned into a real douchebag. Between not telling me how sick he was, how and when he died to not even giving me the correct info on his funeral. It was trying time believe you me.


But I decided to quit my morning job I had for a whole year. And in the midst of that I got offered for a job at the IRS. One I've been trying to get for years. And I couldn't be happier. It's a good job with good benefits and decent pays. And opens a VAST DOORS of opportunity for me. That's what I need. That's what my unborn child needs. I want to be in the position to take care of myself, my household and still provide a decent lifestyle with no issues or struggles. Which as my boyfriend says makes no sense. And it would've been best to stay at my other job. Yeah $9 an hour isn't going to help with my expenses. But $16 will. I need good benefits. If I'm able to get an even better job then that's a perfect start. Since he feels I don't have any responsibilities. That's cool. I still have a house, a car, two cats and a baby to care for. And whatever I do shouldn't matter since he's not helping me. Oh and to top it all off my second job I was working nights, forced me to quit because I got a new job and they were pissed.



SO!


Got a new job. That I love and happy to have. Regardless of what the doctors and hospitals say, I'm not getting karate kicked in the gut for nothing. I know there's something in there and I can feel it. And food cravings are a bitch. Why would I want bacon flavored broccoli covered in cheese mid day while learning about my new job??? Hell tonight I wanted a milkshake!! Last week I was on a shredded wheat kick—it's been a pain in my ass. My jeans don't fit. Even the ones I had for YEARS! I tried on my old scrubs pants. I had those when I was a serious fattie those are getting tight. So how is it that pants I wore last week or two weeks ago don't fit this week? My feet are swollen that I needed to buy new shoes. Lets not start on the break out going on with my face. Hell its 3am and I want to eat. But I had a big dinner. Plus my nails and hair have been growing like crazy! My hair is down to my shoulders it was super short 6 months ago! Well I will say, I hope for a little girl. That would be nice. But I'll also be happy with a boy. I do hope my baby is happy & healthy. And they know how much I truly love them. And I'm working hard to take care of us.


But now that I do have a new job! I do have extra time. I have been knitting a lot lately. I would like to make a blanket. Still figuring that one out. That means I will also have time to spend with you guys and dolls and my friends too! And I'm so excited. Even with my job that is seasonal. I'm permanent and will always have a job but I will have a life and be closer to home and can always get another job if needed and that's a plus!


So I'm alive and kicking and doing just find kids.

You'll be hearing more from me as well!


So stay tuned! I'll have plenty of stories to tell you.


Did I mention my hair is back to being burgundy?? Lol

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The Hardest Decision (...Ever)

Hi kids!!

Long time no see huh? 

I've been a busy bunny. I'm working two jobs now from 7am to 11pm. Been doing so for a month now and it's exhausting but the hard work is worth it. I see it paying off and that's got me super excited.  

However at the moment I'm beyond tired and exhausted. I feel like death is rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear lol. I ended up with a sinus infection. That's been kicking my ass like crazy! I had a headache all day yesterday and could barely get out of bed. Sore throat and no chance of breathing through my nose. It's been a sucky last couple days. But because of going to the ice cold offices and then to the blazing heat outdoors. It's got me all types of messed up. 

But that's not what I wanted to talk about though. 

So currently. I'm also not in my best potential as myself. Because right now it's a mystery if I'm pregnant or not. I mentioned it awhile back. But then I took a few tests who told me NOT PREGNANT in big bold letters. But yet I'm nauseated, my feet and ankles are swollen, I have to pee constantly, I have a vomit session here and there. And I just feel weird. I don't feel like myself. At first I didn't notice until one day I had this abrupt mood swing and was agitated at everything. Now I'm like well. So I took two more test at the end of July. One was a negative. The other a faint positive. 

It's not so much being pregnant that concerns me. It's the fact how this will affect so many lives and things that concerns me. 

My baby's father who's also my boyfriend and have been for almost two years now. Feels it's not his baby. He used a condom and that's that. Ok. Well sometimes condoms don't work. Personally if one was used, it wasn't put on correctly. We both were drunk off our asses and could barely walk a straight line and yet you could functionally put a condom on no problems. Which then turned into he didn't come that night at all. So it can't be his baby. It's gotta be someone else's. Ok so the last person I had sex with prior to him was my ex. Which was a whole year prior to when we had sex a few months ago. 

Didn't matter. Still not his baby. Which then came the whole you're trying to trap me bullshit and you probably saved some of the semen to wipe it in yourself. You know how fucked up it is to have someone you love and care about talk to you like you're a common whore and it was a one night stand type gig?? Like are you serious?? So then it's like well you might as well consider abortion. I'm like why would you say some fucked up shit like that?? Why would you say abort our baby?? Which he retorted: Not my baby. Gotcha. 

So. The last time we talked about it I got agitated and said well fuck it. I'll just abort it and I don't have to listen to your mouth anymore. Then he says no, don't do that. You should keep it. Why am I keeping a baby if you think it's not yours?? He says well there might be a possibility it's mine and you shouldn't abort our baby. But you said you don't think it's yours. He replied well no I don't. But if there's a possibility it is then we should keep it.  Uh-huh. 

So now I'm debating if I want the baby or not. I think it's fucked up to abort the baby because they don't fit my lifestyle right now and will make things difficult for me. However I don't want to be stuck and he's on some dumb bullshit. Yeah I know another kid for him is an expense. I know that. But I'm not trying to trap him or force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But I shouldn't be inconvenience as well. I don't have a support system. My parents are gone and I'd be force to pay for daycare and a babysitter and everything else on my own. But in the event that becomes too expensive I'd half to be a stay at home mom which would be a pain. Because that means no income. Maybe some help from the welfare office. And he's over in his corner turning up still talking about how he's not the daddy. 

But I also hope that I have enough time to do an abortion if I decide to take that road. It's been 3 months since my last period. And I've missed before. But I've never been sick or this uncomfortable either. 

So now I have to make a decision if I want to keep the baby and be a single a mom always struggling, constantly inconvenienced. Or if I want to get rid of the baby, keep him and make him happy, but always wonder what if or eventually regret it in the long run. 

Probably by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I really don't know what to do. Above all else I'm so scared to be doing this on my own anyway.  

So I hope my visit to the doctors will shed some light on my decision...

Welcome To StepMommyhood

So because life will always have a plot twist things will always change or never be what they seem. 

With that being said. I decided to take time out to get this off my mind. 

So I know I've said it time and time again that I would never date a man with kids ever again. I would say that line until I'm blue & purple in the face. Why? Because I "dated" or (what is known in my generation as) hooked up with men before who were dads. Now they weren't father of the year. Some were decent fathers, some were down right horrible. Others just wanted to have their dessert buffet (variety of women) with no commitments to anyone really. I've even been put in the position where I too was forced to ride the coat tail or apron strings of the Baby Mama because he demanded that from me because I wanted to be in a relationship with him. So that meant whatever the baby mama said—went. No questions asked. And I better not oppose this position. So not only was I coming in second to a woman who hated my very existence. But I was back burner to possibly another baby mama and the children involved. So that second or third place was now down to a strong 13th place. I personally didn't like it. And realized the more time I invested with men who had kids the less contented I was with the situation. 

Now I remember when my parents would talk about life and whatnots. My dad always said he would never date or marry a woman who had a kid or kids. He never liked ready made families. My mom on the other hand was ok with it. She said you can't blame the kids on your relationship with that parent. Especially if you care about that person a lot. When I was teen I got her point of view. And agreed. But then I grew up and dealt with it. And then understood where my dad was coming from. I decided around 22 or 23 I would never date a man with kids. Kids were a deal breaker and always would be. Whether it was mutual or he had full custody. It didn't matter I didn't want to have to compete for a man's attention amongst people who win his affection by default. I don't like rigged races or relationships. 

But then a plot twist happened. I met my boyfriend. We met unexpectedly. We became friends first. Talking here and there and did different hangouts. We just were buddies. I was contented with that. Especially after a realization that my ex was wasting my time and love for no reason. I didn't want to jump into something because my emotions were hurting and aching to be relieved and built back up. 

Now the more time I spent with him. I eventually figured out he had kids. It took him awhile to tell me he had kids. 3 kids; 2 boys and a girl. But he had that daddy material about him. Which I'll admit that I find attractive. Just something about a guy being fatherly and doing it because he wants to not because he's forced or wants something to brag about or have a good reputation. When we finally went on our first date which was nice at my favorite place. Around that time is when I started liking him a lot! Before I knew it k found myself falling in love with him. 

Now it wasn't planned. Honestly, you couldn't have told that 25year old me that I would be dating a single dad by time I'm 30. That would be unfeasible to me. I would call you a nut job and bid thee good day. However plot twists happen! Here I am a year later still toughing it out with him. 

Now I haven't met the kids. And before you spazz on me and say I should've met them months ago. Hear me out. I know from my childhood experiences that change sucks. It makes no sense. Sometimes adult situations make no sense. My parents celebrating their anniversary was a pain to me. But so important to them. It never made sense until I got older unfortunately and neither of them are here. So for me to be forced on the kids abruptly and for them to expected to love and accept me is wrong. Me and their dad want our relationship to work. We want it to be long term and serious. We want to get married. We want to raise and have a family together. But, first we have to make sure we can withstand the challenges of a relationship. We just had a first major fight that would've caused us to break up. Now if I met the kids months ago and we for attached to each their and then abruptly I'm no longer in the picture that's more of a strain on them than me. Kids are sensitive and change is a BIGGER deal to them than it is to an adult. For most of us we don't like change and we need time to adjust. Sometimes it works out for the better sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it requires more adjustments to offset the fuck up that happened. 

Now within this. I myself is adjusting to change. I'm treading in uncharted waters. I've never made it this far in a relationship, let alone with someone that I truly do care about and love with all my heart. So I'm adjusting being a girlfriend myself. With pressures of that, being a stepmom so quickly and abruptly would be too stressful on me. I'm aware of them as I'm sure they're aware of me. But we still need time to adjust. Eventually yes I'll meet the kids. I have faith it'll all work out. Nothing in life is perfect. There's always going to be trials and tribulations. But first we have to make sure our relationship is solid and made to last. Before we include the kids. 

Like lately people have told me I need to reconsider my options. I can do so much better than a single dad with THREE KIDS!! He's no good for me and all this nonsense. But I realized something this one jag off of a dad told me a few years back. He said I wasn't getting any younger and I had to learn to accept that men come with kids. I told him I did accept it, but it meant I didn't have to participate if I didn't want to. I'm like on the edge of my 20s. Like my age right now is a season cliffhanger lol. Me finding a 30 year old man with no kids, a job and a personality that I can tolerate who isn't a complete asshole is like you getting a $500 bonus in your check every month. Yeah if it happens it's going to come with terms and conditions. 

I'll be straight with you guys. I have never come across a man like him. He buys me groceries, cooks me dinner and even will clean up and mow the lawn. He'll even make sure I have gas in my car to get to and from work. He's so good to me. I never had any guy treat me as good as he does. I can be myself around him and feel comfortable. I don't have to be someone I'm not or go above and beyond to impress him. I enjoy our date nights at home where we laugh, watch movies, eat good food and enjoy each other's company. In the whole time we've been together we've only had sex once. So it's not about sex or what he can get from me or what I can get from him. First and foremost he's my best friend and always will be. I'm glad he is. Unfortunately with our first time there's a possibility that I may be pregnant. So that's another thing we got to deal with too. 

Now I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that all single dads are like him or that a man will be a childless single woman like me. But I will say change happens. Plot twists even happen. I felt I would met a guy that was compatible with my lifestyle and it would just work. But honestly it would never work. Because that wasn't compatible with what I needed or wanted or what was best for my heart and wellbeing. With that crazy plot twist. I found a good thing. I believe he's the best thing that's ever happen to me. And I can't wait to see what else happens. He adds excitement to my life that I'll say that I don't want to share. I'm real selfish with my love for him. I also get jealous about him too lol. So I find myself doing a lot of things that I never would've considered. And he also brings out the better side of me too and I appreciate that. 

So no he isn't perfect. Yes he has kids. Yes there's a baby mama. But it can work if you have faith and believe that it can. Will it be easy?? Hell no. But that's life. If it's easy, it's worth isn't very valuable now is it?? 

Now of course I'll keep you guys updated on life dating a single dad, and life into StepMommyhood and if it turns out I'm pregnant too, my road to mommyhood too! I'm sure I'll be seeing TONS of plot twists too. 

There's A Stranger In My House...

I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER!! 

I been super busy. Ended up with two jobs at one point. Had surgery. Still sorting life out and then all of sudden shit hit the fucking fan and I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck happened and how it happened in such a short time. 

So I finally got my wisdom teeth removed about a month ago. Heeling has been a trial between finding the right things to eat and the medication had me super sick too! But I'm happy it's done and I feel a lot better as far as that's concerned. 

Then I got tired of the shit at my job. Between my checks being short or not adding up right. I was especially disgusted when I was going for my surgery my boss refused to give me the day off and even refused me coming in for a half a day. Told me to reschedule. So I'm suppose to continue to have pain for two more months and be miserable. No bitch I'm not. I decided then it was time for a new job. Thus I got a second job and went part time there. Honestly I thought it would work out. Until a couple days ago they're telling me to quit the part time job and wait on them. Which I wasn't getting a full paycheck for another two weeks. No that's not gonna work. Luckily I got a call for another job that's not only closer to home but pays more than both those jobs! I honestly couldn't be happier for the opportunity. Plus I'm ready to leave especially since I'm not getting along with my boyfriend. 

I wanted to get this off my chest and my mind so I didn't drag this drama into July. I don't want it being a distraction on what I'm trying to accomplish. 

What's funny, is that no matter how hard I try to be a better person, a better woman than I was the day before there's always a trying moment. Usually in most cases I can overcome it. But this fuckery with my boyfriend got me feeling some type of way. 

I know in my hay day I was horrible. I took men off of their ladies. I broke couples up and just made everyone as miserable as I possibly could. For that I have to accept the possibility that it could happen to me too. 

So I found out my boyfriend of a year is cheating on me. It all started last Friday when he confronted me and said I told the one girl at work that we were moving in together. I never told her. Don't talk to outside of work. But she told his friend and his friend asked him. So as far as he's concerned I'm wrong, I shouldn't have done that (even though I didn't) and it's our business. Yet that escalated into the same girl saying his been messing around with another female at our job as well. He's been having sex with her and all this shit they always hang out after work. So he says he's innocent. He never had sex with that girl and she's married and I got it all wrong. I'm like that's not what I was told. So he still denied it. 

So then he overheard something I said at work and tried to say I'm causing all this drama to avert attention from my new boo and the fact I may be pregnant. There is no one else. And yes I might be pregnant but it's his because he's the only one I've had sex with. Which then turned into I used a condom you can't be pregnant by me. It's not mine bullshit. But when I questioned him about the girl he's supposedly messing around with then he's like oh no that wasn't me that other girl lied. And he wants to distract the attention from the skank which had me mad as hell. Because you guilty. 

So he said I was being difficult, emotionless and petty. Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know your skank was an angel and I'm just automatically wrong, huh?? 

Now while we were having this argument, he's concerned if I'm pregnant or not. It's like yes I'm late. Right now it's an IF. but either way I'll do what I need to do. 

I love him very much. I care about him with all my heart. But when that shit happened I was broken hearted. Like how could the man I love treat me like this. I might be carrying your child and you still treat me like crap. I asked him if we needed a break. He said no and then tried to accuse me of trying to be with someone else. I'm like no. We are in a really fucked up situation at the moment. Maybe a break can fix it. He still told me no and went on to say how much loves and cares about me. And doesn't want to lose me. So I told him ok, I never want to talk about this again, but you fuck up one more time and I'm done with you. Because I refuse to be disrespected and told how dishonest I am when that was NEVER the case with him. 

However I did find out that the skank he's messing with says him and her having sex was a joke. But they do hang out with each other often. I also found who told the girl we were moving in together. It was the skank. She said he told her that. Now she assumes he might be talking to someone else or even several other people maybe. She doesn't know about me at all. But what I find interesting all the people involved are people he talks to. Personally I never like the skank he's messing around with. Didn't like her in high school.....Mmph go figure huh? 

Now even though he says nothing's going on between him and the skank. She stay buying him lunch, always over his desk and giggling at him from afar. His ass be entertaining it too. But I'm running my mouth. The office doesn't even think I have a man let alone it being him. But that's ok. I told him in his bitching you won't have to worrying about your reputation being tarnished any more. Because I'm leaving the job. So if some wild shit pops off again it won't be because I said something. 

So I'm hoping we can get past this issue and make it work from here on out. 

I'm just not for all this stress. It's too much. I gotta stress about bills and my jobs. Whether if I'm pregnant or not. And he's over there whining. Not in July!! No. I refuse to start a second year with some bullshit. So I plan on starting July on a good note and make the best out of a bad situation. 

Besides if I am pregnant I don't want that stress on my baby either. That's unfair to them. 

And on a happier note—I'll be getting a new kitten too! His name will be Saphir II. He's absolutely adorable!! Now he is missing a foot but that's ok! Because we're all flawed and damaged goods in some way or form. But that doesn't mean we aren't lovable. 

So now I'm off to work I feel a little bit better after talking to you guys & dolls. My tummy is upset and I don't feel too good today. But I will make the most of the day and this month!! I'll also try not to stay away for so long too lol. 

Happy July! And I hope everyone has a happy 4th of July too!! 

I Thought I Had Lost You...

So a lot of people have and had been judging my feelings on wanting a child. I thought I would take time out to explain myself, and the whole end to the Road To Mommyhood label amongst a few other things that come to mind.


Any for those of you that do know or didn't know, doesn't matter. I have never had a normal menstrual cycle. Why?? It was unclear to me however I found it to be normal, and assume all the other girls had a period once every four months every 5th year. It wasn't until I was about 16 or so and I had to go have a check up at the doctors for school. The nurse asked me when my last period was, mind you this is about October. I told her the end of August. She automatically assumed I was pregnant and above all else telling more lies than a lawyer at a murder trial. With her being so persistent and insensitive about it, not only did it hurt my feelings but it made me self conscious. I chose then never to talk about it because it apparently upset others.

Then I got sick in college and they found out about my having Graves Disease and Hyperthyroidism. Then my doctors say that it was my condition that was messing up my menstrual cycle and overall health. They did mention in a mellow tone, that I would never be able to have children of my own. Do you know how devastating that is? How depressing and how unhappy that makes a woman to hear in a nonchalant tone well you're broken, good luck with that. It ruined my whole plans about going to college to get married and to have a bunch of kids. What man would want a woman who can't even bear him children. What good is a relationship then?? Thus it was a hard pill to swallow and it took me a lot to get over it and accept it. But I won't say it was easy because I was a mere 20/21 years old. I still had my whole life ahead of me and that one thing just cramped it all up and threw me off my groove.

Years later at 23, I find myself pregnant and unhappy. I'll be honest I would've love to have met that child and even gotten to spend the littlest bit of time with them. I may not have wanted the baby due to the situation and how the baby came to be negatively. But it didn't mean I didn't love the baby even if our time was short lived. Unfortunately, because I couldn't move on from how terribly their father treated me and the fear of my child falling out of love with me; I miscarried and was very happy. But when 24 came I found myself missing being pregnant and decided that I would at least try my best to have a baby, even if it meant on my own. Unfortunately due to my severely irregular periods, that wasn't about to happen. So I then considered adoption but when I was told I needed to be 25 to adopt, which later changed to I needed to be married. That was another thing that ruined it. So I thought about artificial insemination or even in vitro fertilization. Unfortunately since I didn't have the thousands that was needed, I was basically screwed. So once again I accepted life without a baby.


Shortly after things took a wicked turn. My period began to run a normal course and I was shocked, surprised, happy and unhappy at the same time. Then it hit me....

I can have kids!

Since the opportunity presented itself I felt I should take it while I had the chance. I devoted my time finding a guy who was willing to have a baby with me. I wasn't expecting a free hand out nor did I want to force him into a responsibility he wasn't ready for. No one likes that. If he wanted to participate fine and if not that's also fine. Didn't find NO GUY willing. Then I headed straight to the sperm donors. Not only did I learn it cost money to join these places to get access to the best sperm donors, I found out that the donors themselves wanted hundreds or thousands just for a teaspoon of sperm. I felt like I was back where I started. Yet I was confident, I had to make this happen. I was being given a chance of a lifetime and it made me so happy! But with the added stress of not being able to find a job or being told no because I never graduated college or I wasn't already a "mother" I felt that society was singling me out and yet demanding me to be a woman.

I thought if I found out what I could do to get rid of my student loans, that might make me seem or look more responsible oppose to my current appearance. Top three that didn't include paying them back or a public service job or military.....I had to either die, be a vegetable not in a coma or pregnant on welfare. Pregnant? Welfare?? Just below those it said if you get married they remove half of the debt (so if you owe $500, they'll drop it down to $250).

I immediately thought I could kill two maybe even three birds with one stone. I could be getting rid of my student loan debt, getting the baby I want and then eventually be accepted in society enough to get a job and be respected as a woman. So I worked even harder to make that happen. The more I tried the more men told me no, or called a slut or said how horrible of a mother I would be. Everyone started telling me that no one would want me let alone have a baby with me or even contemplate having unprotected sex with me. Like I was the one with the diseases. They treated me like I had HIV and was going around infecting people. Even guys who had women at home and wanted to proposition me for sex refused to even participate. I wasn't doing it to get married or put him in a tight spot or even have a reason to go back to him. Then I got tired and said fuck it, just give me sperm and you'll never have to worry about me again. But then people said I had no right to deny my child a father. Understandable, but if he doesn't want me or the baby how is he still deemed in good favor?? Why is that?? It was becoming more and more harder and I couldn't understand why. People told me to wait until I'm 30 or 40. Wait until I got married, or go back to school so I could get a college degree and work until I get up the corporate ladder and make enough money to be a single parent. They even told me I needed to go make friends so they could throw me a baby shower so I could get free gifts and things I needed that I wouldn't be able to afford.

Then I got mad. There are women and teenage girls getting pregnant left to right. Those that don't have a job or a place to live or money or a job and yet they're better than me. The fuck is that about? 

I only considered having a baby to get my student loans taken away so I could start my life and be something. I didn't have to be a corporate drone, but I would like to work. But that wasn't the main reason why I want to have a baby maybe even two on my own. My family has always been over the top out of the ordinary dysfunctional. They were never close and never would be no matter who's involved. I barely know anyone on my dad's side and mostly they're strangers. My mother's family hates me because prior to my birth my parents raised all the nieces and nephews and provided for everybody whether it be a place to stay or live or anything. They were good people and good for their word, but the family took advantage of their kindness. Thus when I came, I was immediately disliked. I was also told as a child that no one would want me if my parents suddenly died. I'd just be an orphan, yet my parents never did that to them. So when my father died and it was just me and my mother, I felt this empty lonely feeling. I didn't like it. To see a future of being alone that broke my heart and I didn't want that. Since I was always bad at making friends, and the boys didn't seem interested in me at all. Marriage soon became out of the question.

The thought of coming home from work after a long hard day to see my child greet me and say how much they missed me and how much they loved me was eternal bliss. I really wanted that and I wasn't about to let anything to stop me and prevent me from having the happiness of a family. I didn't want to be like my parents have a baby late in life and not be able to see them grow up or not have any grandchildren or even see my child become something great. That's why I disapprove of having a baby after 30 it's not promised you'll get to see them become an adult or be able to be as active. When my parents had me they were long done and tired, there was no running or fun activities of roasting marshmallows or all the things they did with my cousins. I never got that. I missed out all over something I didn't have control over and over people who were so selfish and ended up being horrible to me. Hell same people who don't even wish me a Happy Birthday when it comes around. I definitely didn't want to end up alone or all by myself, I already spent a good remainder of my life like that. I had to have a baby, it's more than a want, it's important.


Well, I ended up finding a donor one day. I was happy and overjoyed, but I knew deep down it wasn't what I truly wanted. I didn't like the uncertainty of it or the possibility that this person didn't have to be who he said he was. It turned into another dead end and I was at a lost of what to really do next about the situation. I thought and thought and the only thing I could come up with was that I was never meant to be a mother or a wife. Regardless of how I felt about it, it just wasn't meant to be. But I left the possibility open just in case. However a promise I made to myself back when I was 19 or 20. I said that if I wasn't married by time I turned 26 I would have kids on my own anyway. Well, now I'm in a predicament  Not only are the men refusing to impregnate me, my 26th birthday is rapidly approaching. No hope for marriage and no future hope of children. Plus I couldn't handle the stress any more and I had to do something.

I read this article a few months back about how when women are in tuned with their body, they're able to do things that some would find miraculous or extraordinary. The women the article talked about mentioned how she always had irregular periods, and medication would help from time to time. It was until she hit her 30th birthday and felt a want to have a baby. So she dated and went out with many guys, but none of them suit her. By time she turned 35, she gave up and her periods stopped. The doctor said she was amazed herself but it made sense. Reading that made me realize that not only had I stopped my own period back when I was teen and fearful of getting pregnant without being married. I had been saving the whole time until I was ready, when I knew I was ready my period started to function like it's suppose to normally.

So here I find myself 2 months and 5 days away from my 26th birthday. I've decided that I don't want marriage. No marriage whether it be a man or woman, I'm not interested. I've also decided to go about my life without kids. I hate to say so, but I think it's for the best. When I think about it, I wouldn't be ready for helping my kid with homework, I want to sleep in everyday like I do now and above it all I HATE COOKING. So no marriage and no kids, it's the best for me really. I'll always have that want in the back of my head and definitely in the back of my heart. Seeing children use to make me squee like crazy. Now I just stare and wonder, and say to myself it's for the best. To others I may be cutting myself off short, but I see it as if it was truly meant to be, it would've happened by now and I wouldn't've been unhappy or working over time for nothing. Since guys seem uninterested in me and society feels I'm too much of a fuck up to be anybody's mother....I'll accept defeat gracefully. Doesn't mean I like it or that I have to accept it but I will be woman enough to accept it. For now it'll ache and I've divorce myself from people who have kids or talk constantly about them and their spouses or significant others. It prevents me from feeling left out, like a queer and from snapping out on people.


It's not the worst choice in the world to decide to be childless. It doesn't mean I'm a failure at life or that I'm a failure at being a woman. It just means I'm a rebel and I refuse to follow tradition. No big deal. I made this decision because I wasn't about to wait on a man or go looking for a man all over again and keep repeating the worst mistakes I've made over and over. No it isn't how I expected it to turn out and no one could've told me when I was a mere happy tween dreaming of the future that it would turn out so ugly in the end. So, I've turned off the period and ovulating factory (haven't had a period in over two months now and I'd like to keep it that way. Left up to me I would prefer to have my uterus removed so the want would be toned down a few notches.

For the record, I think I would've made a great mom and made someone happy to have me as their mom. Since it was never meant to be, I'll just have to find what it is that'll make me happy as a single woman. This time around, I'm sticking to my guns and I'm not changing my mind. No kids mean no kids. No more back and forth. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and getting less than nothing in the end. I feel my reason is legitimate and worth it.

For those of you that think women who choose life without kids are mean and selfish. Not ever single woman is cold, selfish and incapable of loving. You don't know that for sure. Passing along assumptions doesn't make you an expert in the topic.

10 years ago I expected to be married for 6 or maybe even 8 years. With at least 3 kids already happily wanting more and more. With a perfect husband and a life that would be envied. 

10 years from now, I hope I don't have kids even by accident. I don't want anything from a man that isn't sex or ill-use of his money. I hope by then I would've traveled back to Hawaii with hopes of visiting other paradise. Living my life happily single.

I never said I never wanted to have kids. I definitely (desperately) wanted to. Still do in the back of my head. But being denied the lifestyle you need to make that happen, made me voluntarily accept that being a mom one day will never happen to me no matter how hard I tried.



So now you all know why I wanted to have a baby so bad lol. I was just tired of people telling me to believe something about myself that wasn't true.

As The Carrot Turns: A Royal Flush

So now it's time for the unofficial part two for the new year [Read: Better Late Than Never!!]. Hmm where to start though.... Eh I guess we'll let it flow naturally and see how it goes.

Oh I know lets start off with my Sims 3, after those two weeks of downloading and installing them back in November tell me why I ended up with an error and my saved gave would not open nor would it run and it made no sense to me. I tried the few minor fixes and it didn't work and decided to uninstall it and then re-install it. Still nothing, and so I decided to wait it out and give them a break and see what happens. 

Next is the big thing. So before Christmas, me and Madea did some big shopping because there was snow and the weather was crappy and just to stock up. So used all but $82 or $87 of my food stamps. I ended up going to the store a few days later to pick up a few more things we had forgotten and went to use my food stamps and the machine told me there was something wrong with machine and it wouldn't swipe  the card. Sometimes that happens with the card machine, it accepts it and it doesn't. So I decided not to get too worried about such said problem and move it along. Well I got a letter telling me about when the food stamps would be distributed to my Access card. Thinking all is fine, when I went to the store to pick up a few flu remedies for my mom when she got sick, I got another letter. This letter said that my food stamps were going to get cut off January 1st because I was no longer eligible to receive food stamps reason being is that I didn't turn in the renewal papers and failed to show up for my interview. I'm sorry what now??? I did turn in my papers, and saw not one but two people that day and the woman said it was fine and I waited December 13, 2012 for them to call me at 11:30 AM and they never did call. So how exactly is this my fault?? Because I was in a delirium I couldn't comprehend the paper until I read again a few days later. It had the nerve to say that I could appeal and someone might call me in March 2013. What in the heck is this bull crap?! Now I plan on re-applying for food stamps and I'm going to be a real pain in the ass for my gosh damn food stamps that's owed to me. I refuse to be told no because I don't meet some silly or far fetched requirements, I feel it's due to me and I won't take no for an answer. So yeah when time comes, I'll be declaring war on the welfare office....very soon.

Now, I decided to...Well lets say I had a moment within myself where I didn't want to be defeated. I wanted to try one more time. Even if there was a possibility of risking a failure, I still wanted to do it. I decided to contact a sperm donor, yes a sperm donor. What compelled me to do so, I don't really know. I did so wondering if, by any chance, I could at least try one more time and see if I can attain my goal and be genuinely happy for once in my life. I'll say now that I honestly thought he wouldn't contact me back but yet he surprised me and contacted me back. He called himself Joe. He seemed nice and sort of friendly. I asked if he was still offering services or not. He said yes and asked me a few personal questions about when my last period was and a picture of myself and such. At first it seemed strange, maybe because it was uncharted waters for me. Then again, it felt sort of liberating. Until he asked if I was interested in a Natural or Artificial Insemination. I really had to think about that. I had thought about it before and always considered the Natural way, it's more probable and gives a higher chance at getting pregnant. The thought of having sex with a serious complete stranger who not only disguises his name but gives no history on himself. That's a serious 6 feet down from a random bar guy you pick up for a one night stand. I sat there thinking all I know is this fake name, he's a donor, lives somewhere he won't tell me, and has over 20 children about 5 of them with colored women, the rest I assumed were Caucasians or other races. Since I don't know him well, that also means I have to risk the possibility of being subjected to sexually transmitted diseases or infections. I was frighten and I'm not afraid to say so. Then I thought about Artificial Insemination and how awkward and unpleasing it can be hooking up with a Turkey Baster. Not very exciting nor romantic in any way or form. However I would be a bit safer and I wouldn't feel uncomfortably awkward. Then I thought what are the other women doing?

Then I remembered, my situation isn't nothing like theirs. They had friends who didn't mind fathering a baby out of wedlock without being forced into a commitment. Or they found donors who were perfect and worth it and not a total creep and came running to them in a heart beat. Then the third strike.....quite a few of them were all ready in a relationship of some sort, be it same sex, serious or marriage. Or they had very supportive families and/or friends to be there for them. For the first time I felt lost and confused as if I never prepared myself for something like this. So I decided to be a big girl and go about it alone, and I chose Artificial Insemination. Joe told me if I wanted it that way I would need to come to him to get it and he was a good 3-4 hours away from where I live. Then tried to persuade me (in a discouraging sort of way) into Natural Insemination because he said he would come to me. But I doubt he would be considering I living with my mother and a hotel would be more suitable and some men get too big headed and think they are hot stuff and they want you to accommodate them regardless of what they say. I didn't like the fact of meeting a strange man 3 hours away from home for a teaspoon of sperm and all that process could be done for nothing. I also didn't want him coming my way just for sex and meeting him at some random hotel if that was a possibility. I didn't feel safe and it made me wish I had someone come and save me. Then I realized, I wanted to do this on my own...

But for that split second I didn't want to do it on my own, I wanted my prince in shining aluminum foil and duct tape to come and save me just in case I got hurt or kidnapped or mistreated or anything. If that was the case, why wouldn't I be trying to have a baby with him instead?? What makes him so inadequate or ill prepared for the notion?? Then I wondered am I really ready for a baby?? I say I am and I feel and think I am, but something's yanking on my heart and got me thinking the exact opposite. Oh yeah, that's right....this isn't how I wanted it to be originally. I may feel that love and a relationship of any sort with anybody is futile and a waste of good time and energy. I guess for once in my life for a long time I wanted to have what all the other women take for granted and never truly wanted in the first place. I felt so abstract about the whole thing. 

Well I decided to forgo it. I did give it a shot and the other donors I saw all wanted natural sex and in one sense you can't blame them since you want something from them, there's got to be something in it for them right?? Especially since they're doing it (or they're suppose to be doing it) "free of charge." Or maybe that's the guiltiness in me talking and I'm making an excuse. Whatever it may be, I can't go through with it. I guess it's time for me to face facts and accept that. Even though I prepared my whole life to be a wife and a mother, the universe is telling me that's not the right thing for me to be doing. One wouldn't keep trying at something they've always been a failure at hoping for one day where perfection will arise and they become a success. It doesn't work that way. But if it did, we'd all be getting what we wanted right??

つづく

The Renewal

So the night I had to change the fuses, which was the day after Thanksgiving. I picked up the mail and noticed I gotten a letter from the Department of Public Welfare. So I opened it to see what it was and realized it was the papers the man told me about back in July/August, that I needed to fill out to renew my benefits. Ok that seemed fair.


After all of that mess downstairs. I took time out to read the papers. Not only were they not put together correctly, the directions on how to fill it out made no sense. It said to fill out form 7 and sign and date, read form 8 then your done. Then another said fill out the attached packet and make necessary changes. I'm like there aren't any what's this about. Knowing they don't like to call anybody on time and make more broken promises than a dead beat daddy. I decided I would go down there the day before fill the forms out there and give it to whichever case worker I saw. So I picked the day before these papers were due. Bad call. The papers are due December 10th a Monday. I picked the 9th which happened to be a Sunday and they just happen to be closed. New game plan.


So Tuesday I decided I would go down there either Wednesday or Thursday. Ended up going down there Thursday. Even though I was a bit later than I wanted to be. I was happy I got there in a good amount of time to speak to someone. So hoping I'd get the same person from last time, I hurried in and went upstairs. Unfortunately I wasn't the only one renewing and you talk about crowded. The line was to the elevator.

So the greeter was terrible. Honestly the Grinch had more personality than this man did. I filled out the form he gave me a number this time unlike last time. Things were going pretty smoothly. I got there at 3:35pm and got waited on at some point. Unfortunately I ended up with this woman who half assed everything she did. Every other answer was "I dunno" to "I'm not sure" or "I can't help you there." Like what good is a person if they can perform at satisfactory level?? So not only did she tell me to come back on Monday, I have fill the packet out not once but twice and get another form filled out by my doctor all so my food stamps won't get cut and to see if I can get medical insurance of some kind.

So I asked her about jobs and she gave me things I had already done which wasn't much of help. Then she told me I could work there. When she mentioned it I felt that weird, something's wrong here sensation trickle up my spine literally. She gave me a few more papers and told me to come back on Monday.

I left disgusted at 4:15pm and went to where I had parked the car. There I looked up the job she had mentioned. Then when I found what I was looking for and I realized why I felt that weird feeling. I looked into a job there months ago. Unfortunately they test you which isn't bad, however you have to pass everything to be a considered candidate. Also you may have to test at one of the centers. The closest centers to me one's located 3hours away and the other is 2hours. Not much of a help. I called and asked back when about the job. The woman I spoke told me I needed to relocate for the job to the state's capital. Well that's out of the question.

But as I sat there with my stack of papers. All I could think of how messed up my life was. I can get a job and can't get help and can't even go back to school for training of some sort. The caseworker I had seen before this skank on Thursday, told me the only way I'm going to get any type of help is if I become pregnant.


Now I won't lie at first I felt that his comment was a bit far fetched and that his audacity to tell me to do so was a bit much, if now down right rude. I thought long and hard about that. Maybe that's the only possible way for me to receive any type of help. I'm tired of hearing of how I'm a bum and a burden to society when society is basically forcing me to be and stay unemployed. I've looked for a whole year, can you believe it?? No job, only one interview and more no's than a normal human being can take. I guess after that meeting on Thursday, I became cordial to the idea of it because I heard something someone said to me that made me snap—literally.


The whole while in college all I heard was that one day I'll graduate. Some day I'll get my degree. For awhile that sounded nice. But the more I heard and the less it happened it pissed me off. I want an actual date I can look forward to, not a broken promise or concreted lie. I won't deny nor lie I didn't want to hear that someday I'll be a career woman all happy and working. Then I thought back when I was told if I went to college, men would flock to my feet and some day I'll get married. That never happened either. I'm still single, no substantial marriage proposal from an actual living breathing single human being who actually has some real sincere feelings for me and definitely no babies either. Well someone recently told me:

"Don't worry honey, someday you'll get a job."

That by far was the most hurtful thing I had ever heard in a long time and then I did get pissed off. What if it happens to turn out like the other two times and I don't get a job or never get a job. So what am I going to be in debt all my life without a hope and a prayer?? That's pretty fucked up if you ask me.


So, I might think on this "getting pregnant" scenario and take it seriously. This time I can't wait for someday to happen, I need change today. I've got until May to make something happen this time.

This is when I hope the world does ends *sigh* but in my luck it'll still be striving on strong like a lion on the prowl.



This renewal process shall be continued on Monday....

A True Blessing

Aunty Acid #37

How We Respond To Ugly People & Strangers For The First Time

The Future Looks Bleak

Mama's Baby

A Parent's Worse Nightmare

Well Maybe One More...

Well in the midst of getting ready today, I was excite because I thought my dreaded period was OVER!! Unfortunately after a nice a hot shower, she reared her ugly head out again and said Problem Bitch?? ;D


So I began to think and wonder, how the hell do you stop a period FOREVER?! I'm tired of this bullshit and what's it purpose? Everybody else gets those I bled for 5 days and it was sooo awful!! Dammit girl, I've been at this since August 31 and I ain't a happy camper right about now. I'm tired of my periods lasting 3 weeks if not longer. So I went on yahoo, because I was sure someone could answer my questions.


Same thing as always. It's because it's suppose to happen!! There's only a few ways like Birth Control, Depo Shot, get the Nuva Ring or Mirena, then there's surgeries with restrictions like a Hysterectomy and Tubal Ligation—I guess you'll have to put up with honey. The fuck I do. Besides I wish I could get a hysterectomy and at least then I wouldn't have to worry about the want or urge to have kids, because there'd be no way to do so. However you can only get one of you have a major medical problem like cancer or other such said catastrophes. So then there's tubal ligation, unfortunately ere where I live I have to be 28 years old. Like what the shit??? I have to wait damn near 5 years because soceity is fucked up?? At least I know I don't want to bring another dumb fuck into this world. But apparently that's wrong, too.


Anyway.

So someone answered and said that she thinks my hormones are doing the talking and one day in my 30s or 40/ I'm going to want kids. The fuck I do bitch. Only thing talking today is called PMS! But like how dare people tell you what to do with your body and your decision. I'm not going to wait around another 10-25 years for some guy to make up his fucking mind, I shouldn't have to. But since I can't really have a baby on my own without ridiculously high costs or requirements I can never meet. It's damned hard to be a single parent. No one has $12,000+ laying around. And since the health insurance won't cover nothing, you're screwed if you have to come out of pocket. I don't even have the money to join these sorry ass sites to FIND A DONOR—wait a minute—that I'll have to pay for his sperm too and it's not in a cheap range either.


But I just don't get that. I've made my decision. I don't plan on having any more sex, ever not with someone who can't appreciate me and commit. I'm sorry to be so difficult but I'm not going to be second or told no I'm not allowed to have kids because he already has a slew of them. That's not fair. But I refuse to wait. I don't want y kid going through the same thing I am going through now due to having parents who are 40+ years your senior. It's not healthy and doesn't bode good will either.


But I'm tired of having a period and I'm sure about my decision. If I can't have at least 2 kids by time I'm 30 (in 5 years) then I don't want them at all. I refuse to do something so stupid regardless of what everybody else says They don't understand and they're not looking at the view point that one day if they die, their kid is going to be all alone with no one.


Maybe it's me and I'm the only one who has a problem with this whole we need a period for, well just because bullshit. So what if you're gonna have a baby of your own or not—it's required. Reminds me of psychology in college.

Well I think if I can get health insurance I'll see if I can get Mirena and deal with that. Least it can be changed every 5 years and it suppose to last just as long. That stops the period, that's exactly what I want. Then maybe I can see about getting a hysterectomy or something later on. This is all for good faith and to keep me contented and no so bitter and unhappy.

Just An Old Fashioned Fairy Tale

Well today in the midst of thinking. Came up with a few thoughts. Might not all come together like most things do, but it'll have to do for now lol.


I don't know if I told you guys and dolls but for the past month or so I've been bombarded by guys. I wasn't really trying to get anyone's attention or even act like I'm interested in a relationship. But it seems like I've been getting 10 friend requests from guys all different ages, races and nationalities. But even though thats the case, they're all the same. They don't want a relationship, but want to talk about how they want to have hot passionate sex with me and tell me not to expect much else more than that. Oh ok. But when I decline that sorry ass offer I'm seen as bitch, or I'm stingy or I'm not doing what they ask me to—so disobedient!! Well you basically just told me all I'm good for is sex and nothing else. I'm useless. Thanks but no thanks.

Anyway about a week maybe two weeks ago I made the mistake telling my mother what I expected out of life. Which was to be married and have kids of my own. School and all that other stuff wasn't important. But now since I'm not getting any of that, life basically serves no purpose to or for me. So now she thinks I still want to be married and all that other girly fairy tale crap. No no I don't. The other day she got mad at me for pursuing the married mailman. Told me it was wrong and I'm like I really don't care. So she told me I was talking a poor attitude to this situation. How?? He's what I want but he's married, if I can get him to cheat I'll be happy. So what about his wife, she can't have every fucking thing the world has to offer. It's not fair. I had to hear the same thing again today and it made no sense to me why people get so upset over someone cheating. Foul, wrong or marriage sacredness this. That's crap. If you could control your feelings for people we'd all be emotionless zombies. But since that's not the case, shit happens. I fell in love with a married man. He may have lied to me and led me on and even treated me bad for a while. But it's not as worse being told all I'll ever be good for is sex. I'm not even good enough to be a mistress an that's messed up. I wear a top that dips a little bit in the front and I'm told how I'm sucha slut. Other chicks come out with a funky dress, pussy having out and tits barely covered and she's told how GORGEOUSLY BEAUTIFUL she is. The fuck?? Then when a new guy comes along or asks for my number, if I refuse to have sex with him or such his dick I don't hear back from him not ever. Some even left because I mentioned I'm bisexual. Can you blame me?? Men talk me to me like I don't deserve to be loved let alone respected. That'll turn any woman off and make her go towards women. However in that case some women nowadays are flaky just like the men. The best part about it all, when they feel and act like I'm stupid. That pisses me off. But I can't be mad, people have always expected the less out of me even if I tried hard or did even better. I'm still wrong.


Which brings along to my other topic. So my period decided to pop the hell up and fuck up a lot of things. In the midst of my bad cramps, I'm thinking why am I going through this pain really?? It makes no sense. I can't even get a guy to look at me straight and say hey she's worth it lets go out! Let alone being someone's mother. I've tried every possible avenue. To say to a man you want to have a baby is so taboo its ridiculous. As I was on my way home earlier today I thought, I didn't have a baby out of wedlock, didn't get pregnant in high school, was an all around good girl. Yet I get punished for that?? It's crazy. To be told well you don't have any kids likes its wrong. What's sad, this society actually punishes single women for not having kids or expecting more out of life. That's fucked up. Anyway I had thought or considered planning on finding some bloke to impregnate me do I could possibly get food stamps. Sounds ruthless I know. But I don't know what else to do with myself really. But now that it's coming to an end. I know I wouldn't be able to find a guy willing to do that. It would take months and weeks and I'd stil be stuck in the same predicament. Then I thought then maybe I'm not suppose to have a baby of my own, maybe I was never allowed to be a mom in the first place—I just assumed I would be because I thought I was worth it for any guy really, standards included or not. Unfortunately trying to do so on my own would be way too hard. No money and no stability is one reason, but the cost is way beyond anybody's means. Adoption and Foster care are one in the same now and it's even that much more heart breaking to know the baby can be taken off of you naysay. Besides I want a baby of my own. Not someone else baby she got to bond with and I'm just a permanent babysitter basically on for the time being whatever that may be. So I sat there tonight and said how much I'm kidding myself. And I came to a conclusion. Maybe if one day I do get a job or start to save some money. I'll go get my tubes tied or maybe a operation where I can get my ovaries and/or uterus removed. I feel if I do that, the feeling of whaling to be a mom won't be there. If I'm not able to get pregnant I won't have that urge or need. It's sad to give up but I don't want to wait another 25 years. I want to do it now why I have the age and a little bit of patience left. I want to see my kid grow up and get married or have their own kids or even graduate college. But I won't get any of that. So it's best to face the music and not concern myself with something that's never going to happen. Unfortunately everyone this will be the last Road To Mommyhood (RTM) post. No more posts, no more wants. I'm done. I think I've got it out of my system. It's sad and bittersweet. But me expecting to have a baby soon is like waiting to be married. It ain't happening anytime soon or even in the future. Why?? Because apparently I'm not worth it.


Now to topic number three. Like I've always said I'm some sort of freak of nature that seems to repel guys fast than bug spray repels bugs. Why, I have no fucking clue of whatsoever! Anyways. For the past couple weeks I've been feeling real bitter and pissed off. I'm tired of these unavailable men being so available. They love their home life but still yearns for that singleton lifestyle of boozing, have fun and women at their disposal. But what turns me off the most is when one of them tell me how worth it I really am and how any man would love to have me and be with me and marry me. Well apparently you're not one of them, neither are any of the rest of the men. Like I said no matter the race, location or whatever. They all act the same, say the same thing and nothing else because they've already got that. But if I have to be someone's sex toy then let me choose who it's gonna be. Is that so wrong?? Here I sit, mad because I'm lonely and don't have anybody to talk to. I love spending time with my mom, but I don't want to talk about what happened ok the news or why this talk show host did this or why the other one did that. God that shit gets so boring!! I want someone I can watch a movie with, not a romantic chick flick and someone who's not going to go to sleep either or fuss about watching reruns of shows that been off the air for decades. But I don't have that. Will never really have that companionship, no friends—not even best friends. Nothing. That hurts the most. I'm here on this planet without a reason, no purpose, my life sucks ass and I have no way of correcting or fixing it without someone—ANYONE—giving me a change, a little push, or just the support even. tired of the taken men talking to me while their women or wives are busy during the day. Tired of always being second to everywoman in the world. Tired of my friends only feeling I'm only good for a babysitter or to bring them a present. 2012 has been one of the most fucked up years I've ever had. To the point it's downright frustrating. What am I suppose to do with myself?? I'm bored every fucking day, nothing to do but to wake up and listen to my moms conversation of her TV best friends. I hate waking up in the morning. Nothing's change and it never will no matter how hard I try. I wake up to a nothing life and go to bed with it. Where's the future in that?? I even told my mother the other I wanted to be cremated. She told me I shouldn't. But why?? Who's going to bury me if she's gone?? Better yet who's going to come and visit my grave?? No one.


I don't know. I'm all for a good pep talk. But a Pep Talk isn't going to pay off my bills, make me less lonely or give me a baby. Talking helps but after while it's not gong to solve problems or make you feel better. It's like when a loved one dies and people come up and say how sorry they are.....Doesn't fill the void that lingers in your heart, doesn't bring that person back, it doesn't help for the heartache and pain that awaits later on.



So I took time out to think about all the things I had done, that I thought was right or I assumed I was doing the right thing. Being a good person, forgiving people who hurt me. Love all people and make as many friends as I could. Now look at me. I'm a 25 year old woman with no future, who's a step closer to being homeless and forever forgotten. It's been almost a whole year, I tried to fix my life and build something for myself. And I still failed miserably, even though I had all the expectation that I would get a job and be able to start a good life.


I guess not all fairy tales are meant to be...

A Puzzle's Piece

We are all just a mere puzzle piece. We may fit many different puzzles. However we all can come together and make one huge puzzle. Until the pieces begin to change, the Puzzle's pictures gets bigger and more elaborate. Then one day you find yourself not fitting the puzzle like you once used to.


I feel that way. It feels like the world has wedge me out and come together and adjusted to make up the spot that was once called mine. They even seem to be doing so much more better without me. As of lately I'll be honest, I'm tired of people as a whole. I'm either getting my feelings hurt, getting let down, or I'm being forced to accept how they feel about me even it's completely wrong.


Besides being tormented last night by the crazy raccoons I had to sleep in the car. Otherwise I felt I would get attacked. My period this time doesn't have me as alert as I usually am. So I would be vulnerable if more than one raccoon decided to tag-team me.

Well I spent yesterday talking to this crazy on Facebook and he was saying that he wanted to know if I would engage in a sexual something or other with him. I told him no. He said well if I hadn't had my picture up, he wouldn't've asked. He even had to the nerve to say that I shouldn't have placed my button on the top in the picture where it is. I didn't make the fucking top. It was brought that way. Then he said something about us hooking up because he wants sex. I'm like no I don't do that. So then he said it must be (that I don't want to participate) because my boyfriend had sex with me, dumped me and never came back. I told him I never had a boyfriend and it's the truth. Even you all know that. He said I was lying and he could tell. I even lied about being a woman, I'm a girl his age. I'm 25 years old. Last time I checked I'm not a teenager. He talked a lot of dumb shit and said that if I stop dressing provocatively, the boys wouldn't hurt me. What?? So I said fuck it and continued with my nails yesterday.


So this morning I woke up in the car because I was cold, the temperature dropped a little bit. While I watching this bird in the driveway peck at something. My phone started buzzing and vibrating. I picked it up and noticed I had about 20 Facebook notifications. I go and check. I get a message from this asshole. Not only did it piss me off but I was disgusted. Here's what the message said (for the sake of us, I'll fix up his horrible English):

You will never be happy by the way you're living. If you covered all of your body no one can hurt you, no one will try to flirt with you and no one can see your body. But if you show your breasts then you will get their attention and they'll get attracted to you. Then they will try to suck and fondle your breasts. Then maybe some one will kidnap and rape you.

Now not only was I livid he called me a slut and said it was my fault that I'm getting mistreated by men because of the way I dress. But you expect someone to kidnap me and rape me. Oh hell no that's a touchy subject for me. I was almost raped by this supposed nice guy who was suppose to be bringing me home after that other bastard refused to take me home (the one I thought I was pregnant by). Thankfully it didn't escalate into something more horrible if not worse. But the principle is, I was almost raped. That night I had on a t-shirt with a sweater and blue jeans with boots. It was the beginning of November and cold as hell. It's not about how I'm dressed. I didn't make the fucking clothes. But you can be raped having any type of clothes on.


So another someone this morning told me I needed to go grab my girlfriends and they'll comfort me. Yea right. The lazy cunts are only concerned about themselves, their lousy ass men and bad ass kids. So they told me I needed to make new friends and do this and do that and they sounded just like the potential rapist. No. I'm tired of making friends and being hurt for no fucking reason. Tired of hearing excuses and bullshit. The rapist said if I shut my mouth then no man will ever take advantage of me. Yea and I ride an Alicorn to my job at the donut factory everyday.


I got ticked. These people are throwing ideas in my face and telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Yet they're pushing me out of this life that's suppose to be mine. I need to be a productive adult?? But you don't hire me and refuse to give me a chance because I'm not the perfect kiss ass you want. Well I never will be but that doesn't mean I'm not a good worker. Just like the color of my skin doesn't say I'm ignorant or nothing but a hood rat with kids galore. I don't understand how this world makes these expectations for you to abide by. Then judge and give you hard time and say you're the problem to the whole process. WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME FOR BEING BORN. I did not ask to be here. Some days I even wonder, should I have been born. It seems everyone would be happier if I wasn't.


But I'm just damned tired. I'm tired of giving the best of me and trying to make things work not just for me but with everyone and everything. Yet I'm getting kicked harder while I'm out on the ground. What happened to never kicking someone while they're down?? I thought it was all fair play for everybody. But I guess society has its picks.

I get even more pissed off when I hear people say I need to do what makes me happy. I want a baby, that would make me very happy. To have someone who loves me just for me, no judgement, no influenced thoughts. To say how much they love and missed me all day. It's beautiful. Unfortunately, you need the opposite sex to procreate. Since men tell me nowadays well I got my one or five, I don't need no more and you don't need none either type shit. Well it's kind of hard to do so. Even harder to do it on my own. IVF and finding donors to adoption and court hearings. No one can afford that. No one has just some odd several hundred thousands of dollars lying around. So I will probably never get that chance to be a mom or be happy about bring a life into this world. All because I'm not what society wants or I'm not much use. It hurts, it really and truly does hurt.

I've tried every possible avenue, every possible solution and even found other things to do. None of them work. It's like I'm here on this earth without a true purpose. Never to be loved, or cared about. To always be alone, regardless. The whole time, I'm sitting here not wanting to revert back to my old self where I locked everybody out and kept to myself. I wouldn't talk to people and I was afraid of always being taken advantage of. At least then I knew my parents would do their best to protect me. But now as my mother gets older, my father is gone—I won't have that security anymore. I know I may be selling myself short. I know this. But there's only so much pain and heartache one person can take. The people I assumed were my friends act like I'm burden. Hell I don't even get to know they're getting married or hell when I find out they're already married and I never received an invitation. Afford me the opportunity to say how I feel about something. Don't make that decision for me. You wouldn't like it it I did it to you, you really wouldn't. Now I know how Gabrielle Union felt in Deliver Us From Eva.


I guess between my period giving me a hard time and what's been going on these past two weeks, I just can't take the bullshit. Call it emotionally unbalanced or hey I could even be in the process of losing my mind and myself. Either way I don't have much get up and go any more. Why should I?? Don't have anything to look forward to anymore. To wake up every morning with nothing and I'm still here living. It's hurts so much more than working hard and losing everything. Maybe I'm in a negative place right now or maybe I'm saying how my heart truly feels. But I don't like where my life is going. I don't understand if I have nothing offer anybody, I'll say it again, in my mind this is clear, what am I doing here??

I've been forced out of the puzzle with no place to go, no usefulness, no nothing. I'm a waste of a perfectly good puzzle piece that will never fit in any puzzle.

All I can say. I hope next life time. If I get the chance. I'm going to do what's best for me and make me happy. Forget all this unnecessary torment and unhappy moments. Just worry about me and me only. Selfishness isn't about being secretive or having a slight bout of egotistical nature. Selfishness is a form of security, protection. When you've been hurt so many times like I did. The only person you can trust anymore is you.