The Renewal

So the night I had to change the fuses, which was the day after Thanksgiving. I picked up the mail and noticed I gotten a letter from the Department of Public Welfare. So I opened it to see what it was and realized it was the papers the man told me about back in July/August, that I needed to fill out to renew my benefits. Ok that seemed fair.


After all of that mess downstairs. I took time out to read the papers. Not only were they not put together correctly, the directions on how to fill it out made no sense. It said to fill out form 7 and sign and date, read form 8 then your done. Then another said fill out the attached packet and make necessary changes. I'm like there aren't any what's this about. Knowing they don't like to call anybody on time and make more broken promises than a dead beat daddy. I decided I would go down there the day before fill the forms out there and give it to whichever case worker I saw. So I picked the day before these papers were due. Bad call. The papers are due December 10th a Monday. I picked the 9th which happened to be a Sunday and they just happen to be closed. New game plan.


So Tuesday I decided I would go down there either Wednesday or Thursday. Ended up going down there Thursday. Even though I was a bit later than I wanted to be. I was happy I got there in a good amount of time to speak to someone. So hoping I'd get the same person from last time, I hurried in and went upstairs. Unfortunately I wasn't the only one renewing and you talk about crowded. The line was to the elevator.

So the greeter was terrible. Honestly the Grinch had more personality than this man did. I filled out the form he gave me a number this time unlike last time. Things were going pretty smoothly. I got there at 3:35pm and got waited on at some point. Unfortunately I ended up with this woman who half assed everything she did. Every other answer was "I dunno" to "I'm not sure" or "I can't help you there." Like what good is a person if they can perform at satisfactory level?? So not only did she tell me to come back on Monday, I have fill the packet out not once but twice and get another form filled out by my doctor all so my food stamps won't get cut and to see if I can get medical insurance of some kind.

So I asked her about jobs and she gave me things I had already done which wasn't much of help. Then she told me I could work there. When she mentioned it I felt that weird, something's wrong here sensation trickle up my spine literally. She gave me a few more papers and told me to come back on Monday.

I left disgusted at 4:15pm and went to where I had parked the car. There I looked up the job she had mentioned. Then when I found what I was looking for and I realized why I felt that weird feeling. I looked into a job there months ago. Unfortunately they test you which isn't bad, however you have to pass everything to be a considered candidate. Also you may have to test at one of the centers. The closest centers to me one's located 3hours away and the other is 2hours. Not much of a help. I called and asked back when about the job. The woman I spoke told me I needed to relocate for the job to the state's capital. Well that's out of the question.

But as I sat there with my stack of papers. All I could think of how messed up my life was. I can get a job and can't get help and can't even go back to school for training of some sort. The caseworker I had seen before this skank on Thursday, told me the only way I'm going to get any type of help is if I become pregnant.


Now I won't lie at first I felt that his comment was a bit far fetched and that his audacity to tell me to do so was a bit much, if now down right rude. I thought long and hard about that. Maybe that's the only possible way for me to receive any type of help. I'm tired of hearing of how I'm a bum and a burden to society when society is basically forcing me to be and stay unemployed. I've looked for a whole year, can you believe it?? No job, only one interview and more no's than a normal human being can take. I guess after that meeting on Thursday, I became cordial to the idea of it because I heard something someone said to me that made me snap—literally.


The whole while in college all I heard was that one day I'll graduate. Some day I'll get my degree. For awhile that sounded nice. But the more I heard and the less it happened it pissed me off. I want an actual date I can look forward to, not a broken promise or concreted lie. I won't deny nor lie I didn't want to hear that someday I'll be a career woman all happy and working. Then I thought back when I was told if I went to college, men would flock to my feet and some day I'll get married. That never happened either. I'm still single, no substantial marriage proposal from an actual living breathing single human being who actually has some real sincere feelings for me and definitely no babies either. Well someone recently told me:

"Don't worry honey, someday you'll get a job."

That by far was the most hurtful thing I had ever heard in a long time and then I did get pissed off. What if it happens to turn out like the other two times and I don't get a job or never get a job. So what am I going to be in debt all my life without a hope and a prayer?? That's pretty fucked up if you ask me.


So, I might think on this "getting pregnant" scenario and take it seriously. This time I can't wait for someday to happen, I need change today. I've got until May to make something happen this time.

This is when I hope the world does ends *sigh* but in my luck it'll still be striving on strong like a lion on the prowl.



This renewal process shall be continued on Monday....