Prideful

Hi kids!

It’s been forever! And honestly I’m sorry. I’m a horrible friend lol. I’ll catch up later. 

One thing I wanted to talk about today is related to Pride Month. I love it when June comes and all the parades and soirées. The rainbow themed everything! Including my rainbow hair that I just took out last night. But something bothered me today. It was the third time this month it happened. And honestly what’s crazy I haven’t dealt with the disrespectful nature of others pertaining to my sexuality in years actually. 

So for those of you that don’t know I claim bisexuality. I’ve been bisexual for well over 10 years now. And bicurious way before that. It’s never been a phase. It’s been a way of life for me. It took me a long time to come out because my dad didn’t approve of the culture. He respected it but didn’t like it. My mom was slightly the same way but eventually opened up more as I got older. My mom knew I was bisexual. She knew I dated a girl. She knew I dated guys. She knew I had sex with both. Most of my family knows about it. Majority don’t accept it at all. But I also don’t care. 

I never liked people telling me I was going to meet this great guy as a young girl and he be my everything and love me and all this goodness. Men would be flocking themselves at me. I realized at 14/15 years old that wasn’t happening. The boys found me weird/gross/unattractive. I was a late bloomer so I didn’t look like the other 14 year olds who had more ass and titties than Wendy Williams and Kim Kardashian combined. And I never got those moments of being asked out or taken on dates or just loved properly by boys/men in general. I realized then I didn’t want to be waiting on Prince Charming and he’s never really interested in me. Why can’t I be with the Princess?? I can have a girl who’s my best friend, whom I love and get to go shopping with, do fun things and sex of course. Why not do that?? 

I was 21 when I decided to stop fighting it and learned to accept it. Took a year or two to finally convince my mom. She would ask me when I’m getting married and get mad when I’d say I’m marrying a girl. I remember National Coming Out day like back in 2011 or so. And I said to my mom jokingly MOM IM GAY. She looked at me and said honestly I don’t care. Just make sure whatever “thing” you marry has money and takes care of you. But she was contented with how I felt and it wasn’t a burden. I didn’t feel ashamed or weird. Even when I encountered Men who didn’t approve of my sexuality she would be there to tell me that they didn’t know what they were missing. Or she’d say something cross like they’re probably the same as you and haven’t come out of the closet either so they’re jealous. 

I didn’t understand then how much true bisexual people were overlooked and mistreated. Don’t misunderstand—men and women can both be shitty. Believe me I know. I’m not justifying one is better than the other. Nothing like that. But I’ve had straight me shame me. I’ve had lesbians shame me. Am I a fan of either no not necessarily. I even take offense when men assume I’m a lesbian. I’m not. Never was. I like men and women equally. Even though I’m more of a pansexual. I like both. And have no switch or phase or a need for adjustment to be with a man or woman. But as I got older and the more “straight” encounters I’ve had I realized that men just don’t do it for me. Yeah maybe I’m confused now. But I still find men attractive I just don’t want to have sex with them or any intimate encounter with them. Like we can bros and chit chat and that’s it. I don’t want sex, relationship, or Netflix & Chill from you. I’m not interested. My vagina is DRY as the Las Vegas desert if you even suggest anything sexual between me and a man. Sorry not sorry. So whatever it is that’s going on now is basically me being homoflexible. Why? I dunno. It just is. 

But this month to have a few men shame me. Tell me I’m wrong or how it’s unnatural for me to like women is ridiculous. Like first of all sir I wasn’t made to make you happy or fit into your sick ass cookie cutter world of fuckery. At this point being 32 a relationship with a man is a waste to me. The men I attract or ended up with in the past weren’t good for me. They weren’t trying to love me for being me. They like I have a pretty face, a house, a car, 2 jobs and an over abundance amenities. No man has ever acted, treated or said I was the best thing in their world and life wouldn’t be the same without me in it. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, given a STD, clowned, disrespected and just broken down into pieces unknown. I don’t like that feeling I don’t like having to put myself back together while missing parts of the puzzle. Now my girlfriend she did the same thing. Surprising? Not at all. The difference—she actually apologize. Even though it was late, and I feel half assed it was still an apology and we were able to discuss how we ended up in such a fucked up place. We chat here and there since then. I still have love for her. She’d probably be the only ex I’d go back to. However the men I had, no apology and no remorse. Nothing. And yes it left me bitter and jaded. No I don’t want to forgive you and accept a missing apology but I did so, so that I could move on and live life. But now I’m overly cautious and I feel all men are trying to play me or just wants a fuck and leave. I don’t want that. I don’t like it. But I also learned to let it go and not make time for it. 

I don’t want it conveyed that I’m ashamed or confused. I’m not. I know what I like and what I want. If it has to be a man he needs to be making 8-figures. Call me shallow all you but I look at it like this—if at the end of the day I’m not good enough, sexy enough, emotional enough, feminine enough or whatever it maybe that may make a man stray from me and go and cheat and be with someone else (emotionally, sexually or to make a baby with another woman while telling me to abort mine), I want money. Fuck it. If a man feels I need to stay while he wants to be a whole homemade asshole and philanderer then money is going to be the only reason I stay. I don’t care if we married or not. And if he ain’t got the funds then I’m not interested. Just like ain’t no man interested if my lawn is cut or I’m not struggling financially. So I don’t care either. So that’s just how I feel. Call it what you want. I also don’t care. I refuse to love another man and my feelings and over all existence are taken for granted or treated like a cigarette butt. I’m not step mom material and I’m not going to wait for him to grow up and adult like he should’ve been doing either. I don’t want to be taking from my already built foundation to help build his and he has little to no interest in replacing the missing pieces from me. 

Now when I voice that, men immediately say well women cheat and do shit too. Yes sir I know. I'm not dating no lesbians who don’t like bisexual women. I'm also not dealing with any women who claim bisexuality as an attention-getter or because their 3rd boyfriend pissed them off. I don’t have time for the shits. At all. Which is why I’m also not dating or interested in dating. I like coming home to a peaceful home and no drama and being able to do what I want to do. I like not having to argue with someone or ask them if they love me enough for the day. 

But stop assuming bisexual people are confused or ashamed. Don’t tell them you find it disgusting. You just can’t be rude to someone because you don’t agree with their lifestyle or beliefs. You’re no better than Trump. And if you disagree you’re part of the problem. 

I’m allowed to be attracted to men and not have any interested in sexual intercourse with them. I’m allowed to be attracted to women and want to marry a woman some day. I’m allowed to have a mini orgasm over a plate of spaghetti. Dammit I’m allowed. And if you don’t like it ok and? I don’t like that your didn’t know how to swallow so I guess we both have problems now don’t we??? 

Bottom line. It’s ok to disagree and not like something. But you shouldn’t voice that directly to the person and hope they have a positive reaction or like you better for it. That’s now how this works. I don’t go around telling people something that I know would personally hurt their feelings and possibly traumatize them or affect their self esteem in a negative way because I disapprove and I want them to change. Like screw that, the differences in people is what makes life exciting and new and brings experiences in your life that you thought you'd never experience.