Kwanzaa | Nia | Purpose

 Nia means Purpose 

"To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness."

So actually I was rereading the prior year's post. What hit home so much is how much we've changed within a year's time.  

Before he valued me, loved me, respected me and gave me purpose. He gave me the want to want to be a better woman. 

What's crazy. Within a year it dwindled down to nothing. He turned into a whole different person. While I was trying o love him with all my heart. I was losing sight on my own purpose and slowly was losing control and couldn't figure out how to get back on the track. While this all was happening. He was losing and missing out on my purpose, on why I mattered, on how much I used to mean to him. That hurts to see that happen. He wanted to throw away my purpose that I worked so hard for and rebuild it to something he found more appeasing to him. That's not how it works. That's now how it SHOULD work. 

When I say purpose I don't mean he's a man he can mow the lawn. Or I'm the woman and I can make his dinner. No. it's that purpose when the world is going all types and level of wrong and just thinking about him or seeing him makes it alright. His hugs and kisses make things better. His affection fills me up with joy. He makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want our relationship to work, thrive and become something beautiful. It's that kind of purpose. And we've lost it at some point. Whether by miscommunication, time not spent or what have you. It's so hard to catch up and try to get it back. I'll be honest and say I miss it a lot. I miss telling him good morning and to have a good day. I miss those love notes he used to write me. I miss hugs and kisses I miss all of that. 

And to fall out of love with someone you love so much is so fucking hard. Like its frustrating as hell. But it's like nothing I say or do can change who he's become. However I hope that once this is all said done. Maybe one day he can remember my purpose. And if we're not together I hope he can learn from this and treat the next girl better.