Kwanzaa | Nia | Purpose

 Nia means Purpose 

"To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness."

So actually I was rereading the prior year's post. What hit home so much is how much we've changed within a year's time.  

Before he valued me, loved me, respected me and gave me purpose. He gave me the want to want to be a better woman. 

What's crazy. Within a year it dwindled down to nothing. He turned into a whole different person. While I was trying o love him with all my heart. I was losing sight on my own purpose and slowly was losing control and couldn't figure out how to get back on the track. While this all was happening. He was losing and missing out on my purpose, on why I mattered, on how much I used to mean to him. That hurts to see that happen. He wanted to throw away my purpose that I worked so hard for and rebuild it to something he found more appeasing to him. That's not how it works. That's now how it SHOULD work. 

When I say purpose I don't mean he's a man he can mow the lawn. Or I'm the woman and I can make his dinner. No. it's that purpose when the world is going all types and level of wrong and just thinking about him or seeing him makes it alright. His hugs and kisses make things better. His affection fills me up with joy. He makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want our relationship to work, thrive and become something beautiful. It's that kind of purpose. And we've lost it at some point. Whether by miscommunication, time not spent or what have you. It's so hard to catch up and try to get it back. I'll be honest and say I miss it a lot. I miss telling him good morning and to have a good day. I miss those love notes he used to write me. I miss hugs and kisses I miss all of that. 

And to fall out of love with someone you love so much is so fucking hard. Like its frustrating as hell. But it's like nothing I say or do can change who he's become. However I hope that once this is all said done. Maybe one day he can remember my purpose. And if we're not together I hope he can learn from this and treat the next girl better. 

 

Kwanzaa | Kuumba | Creativity

 Kuumba means Creativity

"To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it."

As with a lot of relationships after a while of being together you guys lose sight on creativity within the relationship. Yeah it can get boring and stale and will even drag on and feel like a boring routine. But you've got to be creative and do things you've never done before to keep it exciting. My boyfriend was fun in the beginning and we had a blast! But then we got comfortable and that comfortability turned to boredom. We just sat around each other just to be sitting around each other. We didn't work on changing things. Then it got to the point he didn't want to do anything. No outings or dates. No more watching movies or TV together. It was just I’mma sit here and watch football games all day and you're gonna sit here with me and enjoy it. Well I don't want to. I like sports but I don't want to spend the whole day watching football games all day long. Maybe for an hour or two or let's watch a movie or something else. I even get turned off when he says oh you're making me miss the game. No I’m not. So I go upstairs to watch tv here he comes and it's like this back and forth I gotta do what you think is fun. Ok and I will but not excessively to the point I'm bored and can't entertain myself in another activity. 

Here's the gist! It doesn't have to be expensive date or fancy flowers or even some outrageous declaration of love and affection. It can be a picnic in the park or even an outing to the mall. It’s the effort that counts the most. But it’s like once someone gets comfortable the creativity stops and becomes a boring routine. Honestly I miss his creativity. The random love notes he wrote were the best. It wasn’t Shakespeare but I love them anyway because he cared about me enough to convey those feelings on paper. But it’s like I’ll ask if I need to get flowers to keep me from being mad at him. I want you to do it because you want to. Not because you had to or was trying to find a resolution.

 

So don’t miss out on someone great because you think doing something is corny or a waste of time. It’s the little things that counts and makes them happy & love you even more. So for 2017 be creative!

 

 

Kwanzaa | Ujamaa | Cooperative Economics

 Ujamaa means Cooperative Economics

"To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together"

Even though this is meant strictly for business and profit within the community. It has some involvement to a relationship. We have to build and maintain our own in order to profit from them together. With a relationship you have to do that to not only keep the love and cherishment strong but to continue to grow as a couple and become more profitable each day. Not in just money but in love, support and family ties. 

I can say we lack that. I want that. I really do. But I can't work alone. This is a team effort. Like I said before he can't even help me out when I need it. Or do things for me when I ask. It's like he wants me to work with him and it be profitable to him and only him. I shouldn't want or need the same thing. I guess I should want for nothing. But what bothers me is that he wants to get married and spend the rest of our days together. But all I see is him being uncooperative as my husband. He won't be able to be my support, to be there for me—I don't even trust that he could make a sound decision for me if it were LIFE and death and I couldn't make that decision on my own. I feel we will never be that close or ever reach that point to be a strong team. All because he doesn't trust me enough and doesn't love me enough.....he doesn't care enough. 

That's what hurts so much...

 

 

 

Kwanzaa | Ujima | Collective Work & Responsibility

 Ujima means Collective Work & Responsibility

"To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together."

This one is HUGE. Or at least it is to me. I feel like in my relationship my boyfriend lacks this a lot. Now don't get the wrong idea—I'm not bashing him. But I'm pointing out things I've noticed that bother me that I hope helps someone else figure their relationship or give that missing piece to the puzzle. I've looked all over the Internet to figure out our problems and nothing. Friends tell me to leave him alone which is what I want to do. And he wants to make it work but we're stuck in a loophole and can't seem to get out of it. 

So with that. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He plays it off. Says it wasn't him, or I'm making stuff or I've mistaken him for another bloke. And I haven't. But also on the same token I'm one for blame as well. I didn't take responsibility to voice how I felt and felt that if I ignored it or do small punishments (like not talking to him) that would solve the problem as well. But it didn't. So unfortunately he still won't own up to his actions which is going to constantly be an issue for me. And me now voicing how I feel is a problem to him as well. It can be worked on and fixed. But he's not willing to say oh yeah I messed up or I shouldn't have said that I'm sorry—instead of placing the blame on me and getting out of being blamed. 

Within that relationship flaw. We don't work together well. I try make his problems my problem and figure out. But he's not so considerate of me. I remember once a few months back I needed money to park like a few dollars. He told me no and to not buy lunch. I told him I don't have enough money to park let alone to buy lunch. And he says not his problem. Then there's riding my car until it's empty and refuses to fill it up. But when he would ride me around I always gave him $20 or $40. Because I know that's a cost and it's expensive. But I don't get the same consideration back. Hell we went on a "date" the other night and he borrowed the money from me to take me out and promised to pay me back and hasn't. Probably never will. I'm not ok with that. Because when something serious comes along I already know I can never depend on you. 

 

Wronger

Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia | Self-Determination

Kujichagulia means Self Determination. 

"To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves."

I think a lot of times in a relationship the sense of self goes to the back burner. Then being too self aware compromises the relationship as well. Here's what I mean. With my boyfriend I noticed that I was trying so hard to be something he wanted and liked that I for went being myself. Being Bunny. So when he finally saw the real me and saw my ugly side. It wasn't what he liked. And he was disgusted. And still gets his boxers in a bunch over it. But because I did that short moment of being something else. He got comfortable and used to "her" so to speak. Which is wrong. But he also wanted to fix the "real me" and mold me like play doh and be something I wasn't comfortable with and if I didn't speak up when I did about it, we were going  o continue to have an issue. 

However on the same token; he's too self aware. It's like to his disadvantage because he doesn't want to change or make room for improvements. He's like something you get on clearance at a store that's going out of business. You don't know it's broken until you get home and open it up the next day. And you can't take it back or change it and it's like well you accept it as is, put it in storage somewhere or throw it away. Don't get me wrong. I love and care about him. But there's a lot he needs to improve and change as a person to make our relationship work that he's not willing to do. Because he's comfortable and he makes it well known you have to accept that. Like getting a new job is something he wants to do but doesn't because he's comfortable but complains the job doesn't pay enough. But knows that with us and the kids more money is needed. No matter what motivation I give to him he doesn't budge or change or pep up—NOTHING. I'm fine with him changing when he wants to and feels most comfortable. However in a relationship there's many changes and we need to continue to build the relationship to something we not only invested in but what we love, cherish and can be a lasting memory. 

So I think it's good to be aware or self. But not too much that you compromise the relationship. Also on the same token not forget who you are as an individual. I think that's a major role in a relationship and has the most impact on whether the relationship survives or dies. 

 

Kwanzaa Trivia

So I also came across some tidbits for Kwanzaa and I thought oh hey! Let's share this too! I know there's a lot of people unsure about Kwanzaa and the whole meaning so I want you all aware of what's going on too and not be left in the dark or out in left field somewhere. So I hope you like it as much as I do! 

 

Kwanzaa | Umoja | Unity

 So today is the first day of Kwanzaa (Happy Kwanzaa!) and this year what I wanted to do was make this a personal experience like I did a few years ago. 

This time around it's going to be based on my encounter with relationships, love and all that other goodness that comes with being in a partnership with someone else. 

Umoja means Unity! 

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Now one thing I've learned with being in this relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2years is that we lack Unity. Or at least consistent unity. Some days we are unified and other days we aren't. He thinks it's all my fault, but I know it's his fault. Why do you ask?? How do I know?? Because besides him not telling me where he lives or honestly tell me where he is or what his plans for the days are or this stragglers of text messages here and there and 2-3 days later. None of that is me sir. I'm making the effort to save our relationship and make it work. But I can't give 100% for both us and you giving me a -80%. It's not good and it isn't healthy. 

What makes it worst is that there's a poor baby involved. That was created in a unified moment I might add which is now like the worst thing to ever happen to him (even though he has 3 other kids; whom I haven't met) I might add. Regardless of how he feels I made the choice to keep the baby because I felt my child shouldn't have two shitty parents. One's enough. Through this back and forth and arguments all the time—we lost our unity. I doubt we can ever get it back. He still pulls away and no matter how hard I fight to get close to him he pushes me away. "It's none of my business." Well ok. I'm going to fallback. Focus on me and my job. And prepare for my baby. What's really ironic when I say we need more unity within our relationship, he calls it kissing my ass. No it's not kissing my ass. I'm just trying to get along with you. 

We've talked on it. Because I told him we needed to break up. It's not working. I can't deal with the sneakiness and lies and dishonesty. Him treating me like I'm only important when he wants to use me basically. I understand he has kids and I understand he works and can be busy. However if I can work 2-3 jobs and still find a few moments to text him and see how his day is or how he's doing. Then dammit I expect the same courtesy in return. Even though he thinks we're not breaking up. Though we are—I know now if unity is lacking then the relationship will never succeed or progress. It was built on a weak foundation and will fall to the ground on those same foundations. I'm not going to continue to rebuild my side and he's just shoving a bandaid here and there and telling me yeah I fix it too and as soon as shit starts hitting the fan and falling apart, it's all my fault. 

A car isn't going to run unless all the parts are running in unison. Then there's your part of filling it up with fuel. And you need to work to get money to get the fuel. All that process though it's long and drug out. It's the unity that makes the vehicle go, that gets you where you need to go and where you want to go—hell even to places you've never been before! Every little bit counts. And always will. 

Quite honestly I'm tired of always being stuck on the side of the road because he's not doing his fair share or lies about doing it. 

I'm ready to hitch hike and leave him where he's at doing whatever it is he's doing. 

If I decide later on down the road that I want to be in another relationship. That is going to be the first thing we have a conversation on. If we can't be unified sir we can't continue this charades. I do not have the time and I've got better things to do than play and chase you. That's what pets are for—OK!! No more benefits of the doubt,  being in denial, or hoping tomorrow it will change and go away. 

That one little simple gesture of unity can go a long way in a relationship and within a family. 

 

Happy Kwanzaa Everyone!!

 

So I just wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday season!! And you know me I live for this time of year mostly for Kwanzaa lol. I love the others too. But Kwanzaa means a lot to me. 

Anyway this year I wanted to be more specific and make this another personal Kwanzaa. Because there's still a lot of things I want to change or at least promote change in my life and hopefully make a better future. We all have things or even resolutions if you will that we want to implement into our lives to have a better tomorrow, a better year and even a new and improved self as well! It shouldn't be a once a year thing. It should be all the time! There's always room for improvement and that's what I'm aiming to do. Especially since I'll be heading into my 30s this upcoming year too. 

So let's get the celebration on!! 

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas  and happy holiday season!!

merry christmas pictures

What My Boyfriend Doesn't Understand

 

Morning Fail

This is the level I'm trying to get on lol 

 

As The Carrot Turns

Trying to escape the fuckery of 2016 like:if I fits; I zips!

A Bamboo'd Love Affair

 

Hi kids!



I can't sleep so I might well get this off my mind and that might help bring the slumber.




So as you all know I love house plants. After my cats killed them all except for two bamboos. I haven't really done live plants since. Just flowers every now and then. So the last bamboo I had which is 4years old and a trooper! Is actually at the moment dying. I've tried everything possible to keep the bamboo alive because it meant the world to me that it was still living and going strong after the kitty tornado wreaked havoc in my house lol. What's sad is that it's dying from the middle. The leaves and the rest of the stalk is green and healthy. But the middle is yellowing, browning and dying slowly.


Looking at the poor bamboo reminded me of my relationship. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and means the world to me. But lately, he's been a real dick to me. He's hurt me, pushed me away, called me names and disrespected me in so many ways possible that I cannot tolerate it. This past Saturday we had another big fight and he went so far to tear the decorations off my tree and throw them at me. All I could do is stand there watching our relationship die from the inside out and no matter what I did or do I can't save it anymore. I can't hold on anymore. And even though he won't let go....I've got to. Because holding on will just make matters worse and we both end up unhappy.

I don't want to argue or fight. I don't want to listen to how I'm not what he wants and how he needs to fix me. How he's secretive and dishonest with me. Excuses and bullshit all around. I'm tired. And I can't love someone who can't even be considerate enough to love me enough to not hurt me.


His love is like that bamboo. I hate to part with it. And the time I invested into it feels like a waste and I just can't bring myself to let go. But I know if I continue to hold on to it....it's going to rot. It can't be saved or fixed. There's not enough love or nurture left in me to save something that's already dead from the inside. Even though this maybe the hardest thing I have to do right know. I know I have to. I have to do what's best for me and my interests. I refuse to be happy, I don't want to regret being in a relationship I'm not happy about. I don't want to hold on to dying plant that can't be revived or recovered.


I'll still have my memories. All the great, fun and awesome times me and him spent together. I'll even have our child too. But we just don't work anymore. We're like oil and water and will never meant to mix no matter how hard we try.


Just like that bamboo, no matter how much I love it and enjoyed it's company all these years. I have to let go and get rid of it too.

One day I hope to get a new bamboo or two.


But another love affair, I don't think I have any love left or muster up the strength to do it again. Least I know with the bamboo as long as I love and nurture that plant it will grow and blossom. I don't have that guarantee loving another person. They're like an oak tree—weak, fragile and undependable.

Cold Kisses & Warm Blessings

Hey kids!



Since I'm still up thought I jot down a few thoughts for you lol


I do want to say Happy December!! I hope this is a great month for you guys & dolls. And make it count! This is the end of 2016! So you definitely want to start 2017 off with not only a bang but on a good note.



Well as you may or may not know. Me and my boyfriend been fighting off and on. And it's more than just the trivial coupling. We just don't mesh anymore like we used to.

Anyway the other night I get off work and as I was going home I noticed I need gas for my car. But the little money I had I needed for my bus fare to work. As I drove I thought how nice it would be to have a boyfriend I could ask hey can I borrow $10 for gas?? I'll pay you back. But the lord said unto me:


Girl you know damn well that motherfucker ain't going to give you any money. Remember when you needed money to park and he told you that you shouldn't have brought food to save money?? Yeah. He ain't gonna do shit. But don't worry baby girl. You know I got you ma



So I went home and as I sulked about. I went to get the mail and notice one of the letters I got was a check! It was only $15 but honestly I was so happy and appreciative! I went and cashed it. Brought some dinner and put gas in my car. Plus that night the server gave me free fries with my food too! I was so happy!


So happy to the point I decided I would break up with my boyfriend!


I love him and care about him a lot. And things weren't always rough. We were always fighting and at each other's necks. Things were great. But after this whole pregnancy ordeal and him acting like a complete ass. I can't deal anymore. He doesn't want to help me or be supportive or even check to see if I'm ok or not. But expects me to do all that for him and then some. I refuse to do that anymore.


So he texted me that night asking how my day went. I told him it was great. Then I asked if I could see him at some point when he got the time. He asked if it was something bad. Honestly I just wanted to talk about the break up. In person. So I asked what he meant by that. And he says:

"You might got a new friend and you trying to call it quits with me"


I told him for the millionth time that I didn't have another boyfriend. But I did want to break up. Which he didn't take too lightly and was upset. Basically tried to blame it all on me. But at the moment I didn't care. I'm tired. I don't want to fight and argue and wonder what importance I am in your life. Then on top of that to compete for love and affection. I expressed how I felt to him for the millionth time. The next morning he texted me and hoped that I would reconsider the break up. I did tell him I WOULD tough it out until the end of the month it come January we're thru.

I talked to him the other night and he was talking about us having dinner last night. But got mad when I wouldn't tell him how much I love him. Didn't hear from him or see him. Oh well.


I don't want to have to give him the cold shoulder and end something that could've had some potential in the silver linings. But I can't take the mistreatment any longer. I also don't want to raise a kid in that kind of environment. I don't want my daughter thinking men are suppose yell and tell her she's a horrible person and be unsupportive of her dreams and successes. I don't want my son thinking that's how you be a man: disrespect women, call her out your name, use her for money, sex and mere entertainment. No. I don't want my kid growing up and thinking that's how it's suppose to be. I want to raise a good person. Someone who will grow up in the world and make someone else's son/daughter not only proud but happy.


So we shall see how the rest of the month plays out. I won't take this as a negative thing. It was a lesson that brought blessings.


And I would do it all over again too.



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