As The Carrot Turns

If she fine or she thick, goddamn

Walkin' past the mirror, ooh

Damn, I'm fine 😏

Reason 8: To Be or Not To Be…

It’s funny how when you’re a kid and being raised, there’s all these do’s and don’ts as far as what your actions are concerned. What I mean by that is, I remember also being told to be a good girl, with morals and smart and pretty so that all the boys will fawn over me. Because no one wants a fast little girl (one who was doing any and everything).  But then you become this tweenager and you dream of having your first boyfriend and how wonderful it will be. Then—BAM—you find out that the boys like the little fast girls, going on dates and all that silly shit everyone else told you is not on the agenda at all.

 

But it took a long time for me to learn that it’s not ok to let people try and mold me or build me into something or someone I’m not. It’s exhausting for one and then it’s just inconsiderate. I’ll appreciate an honest opinion, however I’m not going to accept listening to this suggestion and then it’s followed by a scolding. The hell?? I remember when my mom passed away. The first thing everyone was telling me wasn’t ‘sorry for your lost, is there anything I can do?’ no it was ‘WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES?!’ Um, how about no thank you. Then I had to listen to the whole rhetoric of how I need a man, and how no one (my family) is going to take care of me or be bothered because that’s my husband’s job. To even saying how I was too fat, I needed to stop smoking, go back to school, get prettied up and go out and meet this man so I can have my first kid before I hit 30, while married of course. No matter what that was the conversation anytime I saw someone. It got so bad that my aunts were legit picking up random 20-something year olds and telling them about me and giving them my number like I’m some desperate muffin looking to be touched…. NO NO NO. Then the shit hit the fan when I got Hawthorn, EVERYONE LOST THIS EVER LOVING MINDS!! Like they weren’t ready. Then I heard about that, I’m not trying hard enough or I need to get a dog to balance it out because I shouldn’t want to be a cat lady.

 

Well fuck. I shouldn’t want to be a miserable trophy wife with kids I never wanted either.

 

But here’s the kicker. Got with my ex, everyone disliked that he had kids already and was older. They everyone spazzed when I got pregnant. Wanted to tell me I was wrong and I shouldn’t be getting pregnant and how no one’s going to help me with the baby BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hmmkay. Just yesterday you were telling me I needed to get a man and have a baby. I do both of those and that’s wrong. Ok. Gotcha!

 

 

Now, they still nitpick about me now being 31 with more cats and no man or children. Honestly I don’t give a flying fuck either. I wasn’t put on this earth to be everyone else’s happiness while sacrificing my own.  Even friends do it too, and spouses. Like stop trying to recreate someone into something you can tolerate and be happy with. Either accept them as is or move on to someone else. I’m not going to be the virgin, PhD having, great job, big house, 3 cars, married to a surgeon, 5 kids who all go to private school and will be doctors, lawyers and politicians with 2 dogs and a cat….. Yeah that’s not my kind of lifestyle. Yes at one point I wanted to be married with kids but that changed once I seen the uglier side of things. I don’t ever want to experience a divorce. Regardless of what anyone says, a man of today don’t even want to spend time with you on a date let alone spend 40years with you on purpose. The fuck. Maybe in the 50s & 60s that work. But not in 2018. Just like I had to learn to accept people as they are, I expect them to do the same for me. I’m contented how I am. Yes there’s always room for improvement for me to be a better version of my current self. However I’m not going to compromise or water myself down to be tolerable for other people. I’m not going to try to be someone that I’m not or I don’t feel comfortable being. You either like me or you don’t and either way I’m going to continue to be me, regardless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Table pt. 2

 

Ok, now that you had time to think about all the attributes that you want the potential bae to have or expected to be.

 

Now everything you thought of—are YOU every one of those? Who you are now, does that fit the criteria that you just rattled off or jotted down?

 

Now if you had to pause or think about it or even made a face or even let the thought of “this isn’t about me…” comes to mind…. The answer is no baby.

 

 

I can’t say I want a college educated man, if I’m a whole ass college drop out. I can’t say I want to be with a surgeon but I work as a cashier.  That’s unfair. But a lot of people think like that. It’s unfair to say to someone they’re wrong for not wanting to compromise and settle their standards so you can fit in their puzzle. No. It’s not cool at all. What’s crazy is the fact that people try to justify their handicaps as a gain for the next person. Like everyone says I’m wrong for thinking that singletons with children shouldn’t think (mostly demand) that they date someone without kids. No no no honey. I’m not bringing kids on my pop out try, what is you doing??? It’s unacceptable. Now if you meet someone who says I’m ok with it, that’s a different story. But you can’t force your ideals on other people. As much as I’d love to see a successful black man, with money, his own house and car and college educated. I can’t force those on a broke ass. I can’t force those on a mediocre man or a blue collar brother. Unfortunately NOW I GET THAT.  You’d hate to have a friend say oh lets go out for dinner, drinks and movies but you’re footing the bill and all they wanna say how much of a buzzkill you are, and you guys are friends and it’s not that serious. It’s annoying as fuck and hurtful if you’ve been in that situation. If you haven’t been in that situation… two things: give it time or you are that lousy friend (even more so if you just got offended).

 

I want someone that can match what I got. Which is a house, a car, no kids and a job. If you don’t have those then we don’t need to talk. There is no negoation or compromising on this. Everytime I have I had to compensate for a man who wasn’t up for the challenge and he would get mad that I asked him to do better. When he’s bringing me the best he is. Either I put up or shut up. And since I don’t do either, I’m just going to leave well enough alone. Because if I shut up and ignore it, I know I won’t be happy. If I put up with it, I’m settling for something that bothers me and he may not be willing to change. Now when I was younger I was willing to do the put up and shut up. Because I felt that he would want to change or want more like I did. Unfortunately in any of the interactions I’ve had with men it was never the case. The men that seem to fit my little tray were already married or taken for the long haul. So I then thought about the men available to me. Which is when my standards began to change immensely and the list became shorter. 

 

It was until my last two relationships that I got to reflect on what really happened. I know that a lot of what went down was my fault and there were red flags and moments I should’ve spoken up. I didn’t, I ignored it and hoped for  the best.  First, his tray matched mine very well actually. Job, own place, no kids, car, educated… seemed ideal right? It wasn’t. Once we got the table together we weren’t on the same page. While I was trying again to make a relationship work, he was looking for a fling and I turned into a side piece basically. So the table fell apart. Second one, most recent and the longest so called relationship. Our tray seem to set well into each other, however I thought well sometimes pieces don’t always fit and glue (bond) can help mend it. Please don’t be like me or many other people, thinking that with time it’s gonna erode into the perfect table. Even if that does happen it’s going to have a weak foundation.  My ex came with 3 kids, a car, no place of his own, a job. Me: no kids, no car, house & job. Ok maybe we can make this work. Shimmy the trays together sorta got a table thing going on here. So then we talked about what we’ll put on the table. Which was unclear on his end and I let be (and shouldn’t’ve). He said he wanted to get married and one more kid that was it. There was no plans of getting better jobs or advancing into a careers, getting a bigger house or moving, investments. Nothing. Just his constantly convenient conversation about us getting married “next year” definitely. Then after a year of trying to accommodate his short comings, since I started doing better like getting  a car, as well as a second job. He decided to cheat on me. Which I found real convenient when he’s telling me we couldn’t have sex until marriage, but I can suck his dick though—go figure. But we had sex, unfortunately got pregnant around the same time I found out I was, also found out he was cheating with the coworker. Went straight to hell after. We fought, argued, screaming matches galore. I lost the baby, and then found out he had baby on the way with someone else! Tried to make it work and still going back and forth, he got aggressive, and real disrespectful. I got tired of trying to keep this so called table together. His kids came before me no matter what. I wasn’t even allowed to meet them, his mom or his family. I was his side chick. That’s why there was no sex (besides him getting head), no marriage, and he was adamant about not helping me because he said he didn’t have to (but I was supposed to be providing him with love, support, money and letting him stake claim on my possessions). No this ain’t going to work and anything we set on the table always fell off. Even though he wanted to keep “trying” or basically denying me from seeing someone else. It wasn’t working. And I had to let it go even though it left my tray a little damage and worn.

 

I learned that I can’t force something to be what I want. It’s not happening. Needs are important but not everyone takes those into consideration. With everyone talking about how they’ve ended up with the wrong person or being mistreated. Like shut up, you tried to fixed something that didn’t need to be fixed. If you ever meet someone and their flaws bother you that much, you trying to rewire them is not going to change the fact you’re forcing something that shouldn’t be forced. It should happen as naturally as possible and bring out the best in you. Make you happy as hell too. But you don’t look at that, and you’re excited at finding someone who takes you as a fancy. You try to hold on to that because dating nowadays is so hard. So even with my beat up tray, I went back to my standards. Only reason is because I feel if that other person has the same standards as I do, then we can communicate more fluidly and be able to better place things on the table. Like if I’m with someone with my same standards, he’ll understanding dating on the weekday is a no go because I work. He should understand that I maybe short on cash because I’m paying all the bills on my own. He can understand why I work two jobs, or why I don’t want or have kids, he can appreciate that I’m busy and may not have time for him. We can go on a trip without worrying about money being tight or a babysitter. We’re looking to maybe get new cars or homes or jobs. Things we have in common to relate to and be able conquer together. That’s where the items on the table become important. I see a lot of women only offering other men’s children, attitude and sex and want to be treated like a queen by a man who has it all. Or men who works part time at a fast food joint with no interest of getting another job, no house, no car, nothing and wants a woman to do it all while he sit on his ass like a king. No. That don’t work for me.

 

Now I’m not saying a person can’t have flaws. My mom hated smoking and drinking. Anyone who did it she had little to no respect for you, she was turned off and disgusted. But guess what?? My dad was a serious smoker and was a social drinker. My mom hated facial hair, dad had a beard quite often. So even in those moments, they still made it work for 50 plus years. So flaws can be tolerated and appreciated because you love and care about that person. But it shouldn’t be out of control where it makes you miserable and unhappy. Too many of us are forcing a relationship or are in denial and want to tell someone else what they’re missing. It’s funny I get female friends saying I need to go find the right man and how much better I’d feel with one. While I look at her situation, they live in a shitty apartment they can’t afford, he has a fast food job and she half ass works but the sex is great and he loves her. Um, I’m cool boo. I gotta house, a car, usually keep a decent job and can go on trips or least to the movies without a man. So something’s wrong lol. The men I’ve attracted as of late all got kids and I have little to no interest. I’m not about to compete for love and affection for kids/baby mamas that win by default. No this is not the Roman empire and I’m not a gladiator. However I’m not out there looking either because I know the men in my age group all have them. So I rather just leave well enough alone. Then comes the WHAT ABOUT SEX….uhhh I don’t want it. I was with a man 3 years and had sex with him 5 times maybe and it wasn’t nothing to get excited about. And I’m not into hooking up with whoever or meeting someone off the internet. So if I can survive 4 years no sex and 3 years with a man and still no sex… I think I’ll be fine. I don’t want STDs or an unplanned baby again. I got things I want to do, like travel abroad. I want to publish more books, open up my business, experience as many new things as much as possible. I don’t want to sit with a man who just wants to smoke a blunt, drink, watch Netflix/cable AT MY HOUSE. I don’t have the patience to figure out if the next man is going to be different or not. I’m 31 and I’m not trying to give every guy I meet 3-5 years of my life to show he’s not fully interested. That’s unfair to me. I’m not putting myself on the back burner for anyone or forcing something that doesn’t need to be. 

 

It’s your tray, you do with it as you please. But consider what you have to offer and how that stacks up to the competition (potential bae). As well as if you’re a good fit for each other and have some MAJOR things in common. Then what goals you BOTH want to accomplish together for the future. If it doesn’t fit or seems uneasy, take a break and re-evaluate. If it still don’t work just call it a day and move on. Don’t water yourself down to be tolerable for someone else. Also don’t demand things that you don’t have or can’t provide. It’s an equivalent exchange of life to balance things out and earn that content. If you feel otherwise I’m ok with that. To each their own. I just know a McDonald’s manager, baby’s dad, wannabe future rapper, homeless fuckboy ain’t going to work for me. Since that’s what I attract, me and my tray is gonna be over here—chilling like a villain lol.

The Table pt. 1

Bring to the table - offer, contribute, supply, give

 

Hi kids,

 

This is going to be a two-parter because it turned out longer than I planned on. But it’s good when the cup runneth over lol. Or so they tell me.

 

 

Anyways—

 

 

So I decided to talk about this since lately I’ve been seeing more and more MEN on my social media accounts proclaiming that they are tired of womens’ shit and don’t appreciate her taking advantage of his kindness and being ignorant to his worth. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Not that it’s a bad thing, I feel all people should be proud of who they are and voice their pride and worth to others. As well as demand the respect on how they wanted to be treated (or appreciated) as a person. I’m all for that. But what’s baffling is the fact that men are like whining about it now, yet women have been putting up with this bullshit for probably centuries now. Like what the hell is going on?

 

What I found interesting out of all this, is men and women  posting their standards or the needed qualifications to be in a relationship (if you want to call it that) with them. Like when you date me my kids are part of the package, or you have to be there for me when I’m struggling and broke so we can build an empire together, or there’s more to life than sex and how we need to be able to chill and enjoy each other company or how we should be able to save up and travel or buy a house. I’m over here like wait a damn minute, now when I talked all this shit before I got major attitude and told I’m being too bourgeois. Well shit. Like why you get to have all these standards, scattergories, qualifications, a sacrificial virgin….. SHUT THE HELL UP.  You cannot sit there and demand all these things from someone and you yourself don’t even have or lack entirely. That’s rude. NO ONE goes to the McDonald’s demanding their big mac first and picking at it before paying. You’ve got to give to get.

 

Hold up, though. People misunderstand this whole give-to-get scenario. They make it one sided like if he/she isn’t giving me what I need I’m leaving them, or I’m taking their ass to court, I’m taking the kids—so on and so forth. Yeah OK, so what did you give to them?? Nothing. Well hell you can’t expect to get something and give it back. Like my ex for example, he thought it was ok for me to give him money when he needed, head when he wanted, took him to work when his car broke down—the whole nine. But did he do any of that for me? No. Told me specifically that he didn’t have to. But there’s tons of people like him. There’s also those that have outrageously high expectations of what someone else is supposed to be. Even those who lack the qualifications, but still demand that those are overlooked for whatever greater good they’re fighting. That’s not how the table works. Metaphorically the table is similar to the dining table. We both are going to “eat” from this table and it’ll be ours. To a point that’s correct. But this isn’t like a restaurant where everything you need/want is brought to you by a server and the things you don’t like or don’t want can be ignored or picked up. No, no, honey. The table is more like a detachable tray so to speak. You bring your little tray and snap it into other trays and make the “table.” Each tray is different, and each come with something or many things different from what you got. So that’s the table portion. Now the whole matching part is like a weed session. There I said it. Those of you that don’t know: you have a friend and say hey let’s have a weed session (smoke and toke), do you wanna match? Which basically means they bring a nugget of weed or a rolled blunt and you have your nugget of weed or rolled blunt. If there’s two nuggets/blunts then you match them two. If there’s three friends or four, doesn’t matter—we’re all bringing the same goods and we share and eat cookies and have a good old fashion time all high and shit. That’s the same formula of matching we should be using with the table. 

 

Honestly I’ll say I didn’t get it, until what yesterday night and it dawned on me. I guess epiphanies can happen in the shower too lol. I can say I didn’t start thinking about it until I was about 26ish, met this guy who was nice. He had an apartment, a job, no kids, really dope personality. We talked and talked and at one point I felt bad because I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer him. Which made me wonder if that’s why it was so important for girls to play house, learn to cook, sew and clean. It was like an alternative option for the “table” I always thought. That whole thing fell through when he told me he couldn’t date me because I lived in a horrible neighborhood (yet where he lived at was worse than where I lived—go figure).  So I began thinking that this “matching” was like having my own stuff, my own money and that’ll be enough. As you get older you realize oh hey there’s something else I need to add on this list (which is “your standards”). But you realize your list isn’t physically possible and you have to sit there and fine tune or sometimes compromise with an individual to make this thing work. I feel we compromise too much and that leads to settling. And the settling leads to being miserable or the feeling of being stuck in something you don’t want but feel like there’s nothing out there for you. 

 

Since I’ve reached my 30s I get asked more often about my relationship or why I’m single. Well because I wanna be what the fuck. But they don’t like that answer and want to hit me with those “what about that lonely night” or “you’re gonna miss having someone love on you” cockamamie bullshit. Um, first of all I can’t miss something I never had. Secondly you got me on several tiers of fucked up right now. Now when I was a fresh 20ish yeah I’d be all over that. But 10 years later on my own and adulting like a mafia boss, my wants and needs changed as well as what I would and would not settle for. Even then I wasn’t doing it right. Not that there’s a right or wrong way, but more of a understanding of what exactly you’re doing. I remember being 20ish wanted to be with a man 2 years plus my senior, whom I’d married at 22, we’d have 6 kids (3 boys, 3 girls), our own house, at least 3 cars, pets galore, we’d both work and be happy and live happily ever after. However my little fantasy fairy tale wasn’t realistic with what was available. And unfortunately I ended up compromising and then on to fine tuning my standards to fit those around me. But think about it. If a puzzle piece doesn’t fit, you don’t make adjustments to the puzzle to FORCE it to fit, you find another piece right? Or sometimes leave an empty space there. Too many time we adjust ourselves to fit this person into our lives that really wasn’t meant to fit or be fully apart of it in the first place. It’s meant to be a brief encounter. Nothing more, nothing less. 

 

 

But here is where the “matching” gets complicated. We get older, blindsided and confused about what we want anymore. We’ve tried all angles to get in a relationship and hope that at least this person just ACKNOWLEDGES that I exist and learn to love and appreciate me.  Then we become all discombobulated and assume that some of the worst actions of a person is their own way of showing love. Which is wrong. And we’ll talk about that another day. Within all this, we just start rattling off what that person doesn’t possess or don’t have or not what we need. We feel that we need to mold them into something that is more tolerable and efficient to say the least. Instead of accepting that person for who they are and seeing how they fit into our lives. Now think about all the things you want in a person—EVERYTHING that makes them the IDEAL MATE for you…..

 

 

Think on it, answer it honestly and come back to me tomorrow for part 2.

 

Reason 7: Wants & Needs

I learned over the years that there’s really no differentiating between wants and needs. Besides definitions. We all have our own understanding of what both words mean to us. And to each their own. But what I did find out was the fact that my wants and needs changed over the years. Some for the better, others not. The rest were either adjusted or removed or compromised into something else.

 

 

It didn’t make sense until one day I was talking to my uncle. He was smart, wise and knew a lot about life. I remember telling him someone was clowning me for working so hard after my mom (his sister) passed. He asked why I was working so hard. I said well because I wanted to have heat, water and lights. I wanted to eat and have gas money you know? He said yeah the basic shit. Well yeah. He said people will sit there and tell you how materialistic you are and how you putting wants over needs. But you need water to cook and bathe in. You need the lights to watch your tv, charge your electronics and cook and wash clothes. You need the heat to dry clothes, run the stove and keep you warm in the winter right? I said yessir. So you WANT those things. There are some materialistic items such as those that are wanted because it’s a nice luxury, might make life easier. You’re not out here buying a new car or doing drugs are you? I told him maybe a little drugs lol. He said that’s ok too fuck it, but if you can say hey I got a place to stay, food to eat and my utilities let people talk. They don’t have or own shit and think it’s a given.

 

He's right. I think about that when someone or mostly a man asks me why I don’t have time to bullshit around. Um I like my utilities and food and having my car. Those may be material items but those are what I need and what I want to have. Every so often I’ll splurge and buy a book or go to the movies or out to dinner. But I mostly work hard to make sure that bills are paid, gas is in the car and I have everything I need without needing additional help.

 

 

It amazes me when I started working in a utility company seeing how people felt a weeklong vacation to a tropical attraction was more important than paying their light bill. I rather have lights than have a vacation. Your home is supposed to be your paradise from the rest of the outside world. If you can’t be happy or contented at home. How are you even having fun on a vacation. I would be devastated knowing that I went to Hawaii and my bills are past due or shit is getting shut off. It’s hard enough for me to not feel guilty buying a $4 used book and having bills slightly past due! But got to take each day at a time, right? That comes with everything we do. We all have needs that are important and then we have wants that are also important. Sometimes they cancel each other out. Like currently I’m getting my car fixed due to traffic violations and I have to go to court as well. It may not be on my wants or within my budget but it’s something I need to do to if I want the violation taken away and not have my right as a driver taken away which is a need. Tongue twister. I wanted new tires for my care but I felt the price was outrageous ($385)….But I also want the utilities still on, so my whole paycheck went to bills and I’m stuck with like $40 until next pay which is going to the car away lol. 

 

It’s a weird balancing act of keeping things cordial and satistified at the same time. I remember last year when I lost my job and had shut off notices out of the ass. I said to my ex that I had an appointment to go to see about getting help and I needed MY CAR for the day. I told him I’d take him home and to work whatever. Oh that motherfucker didn’t show back up until after I missed my appointment and says to me that he doesn’t have to do what I want to do. Which basically meant his needs and wants came before mine. SO you rolling your bitch around in MY CAR bringing it back to me fucked up and shit missing and having a good ole time is more important than me having utilities and  a place to stay. Gotcha! So I learned my needs/wants may differ from other’s and may not be as important to them as they are to me. It took a lot for me to understand that and learn to appreciate that.

 

Reason 6: That Drive

I think one  thing that’s important is creating that drive in life. That determination, that “I wake up every morning just for this” feeling. I feel like that should be implemented while we’re kids. I find when you give a little person that motivation and cheer them on. That would probably have helped a lot of people of today who are always whining or so unmotivated. However that little bit does help and go a long way, but we still need our own passionate self-motivation. That I can say is probably one of the hardest things to find when discovering ourselves. 

 

College helps, young adulting helps too, but none really give you that drive you’re looking for or need. I honestly didn’t find my drive (my determination) until I was getting towards my 30s. So that right there says a lot right? But the crazy part about it is that it’s not what you would think or what we’re made to believe. That drive isn’t kids or pets or career related. It has nothing to do with relationships, family or education or a prestigious resume. It’s the most random thing that gets you going and the best part is that once you find it. You can’t help but to feed into it and keep going. It’s what makes you the most happiest, it brings the best out of you. Now the other factors I mention can come into play and super-size that drive into something spectacular no doubt. I guess what I’m trying to say is that your drive is intangible. It’s something that you can always possess without it being taken away from you.

 

My drive at first was Hawthorn. After my mom died he gave me the need to want to continue on and not go jump off a bridge (lack of better terms). And he remained that determination until his sister Lily-Rose passed away last year. I was aware one day they would die. However I never took time out to think how I would handle it. Let’s just say I didn’t handle it well at all. It freaked me out and became slight traumatizing. Then I said to myself it’s ok, I still have Hawthorn. Well much to my chagrin, shortly after Lily died, Hawthorn got really sick and was close to death himself. That’s when I knew that my drive this entire time, could be taken away from me and I’d be sitting there in limbo trying to figure out what the hell is going to happen next. So during my time of unemployment, after being shifted by a shiesty boss, I took time out to think about what I wanted to do. What I needed and also what I expected of myself. I decided to try new things. I wrote 3 books, I created hair jewelry. For the first time I felt super excited and alive! I realized then that my passion isn’t so much to survive like everyone else. That’s a natural instinct. It’s because I want to succeed but on my own terms and determination. Not by others who want to tell me an outrageously high and egotistical standard of success based and bias upon themselves. No. I’m not meant to have a boss. I AM THE BOSS (ok!). I’m tired of trying to impress people and be what they need and still not be good enough. Fuck that. I’m going to be LéSans and everyone’s going to know my name. I may not have instant success, but doesn’t mean I won’t be successful later in life. Things take time to grow. Can’t plant a seed tonight and expect a tall tree of blossoms in the morning, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely AF

This is basically me lol 

Reason 3: Lesson Learned?

I realized like days and posts later I didn’t post it although I thought I did lol 

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Once in a while I come across one of those “A-ha” moments. You know where you finally realize you’ve being doing something wrong or the hard way and there’s that epiphany moment of well oh shit I didn’t know that… Yeah.

 

These last couple years I LEARNED A LOT. Some several times over because let’s face it I’m a Taurus I’m hardheaded lol. However after hitting 30 I kinda told myself we gotta do better. There is no need that I need to be going on a remedial hike over the same shit constantly. I feel like this time around I was more aware. Some I did let the mistake happen to see what the possible outcome would be.  For example (or a couple) I knew my man cheated on me I tried to move on and reconcile with him, he still fucked up treated me like crap and that happened several times over and over again. Had a friend use me and fuck me over financially and I was well aware it was going to happen and I let it happen. Things like that.

 

But I realized something. I didn’t want to be in my 40s still doing this same shit. Like GOD, fix it! I couldn’t fathom being 41 letting a man fuck with my feelings and moral fiber or a friend treat me like crap and I have to accept that as friendship. I didn’t want be 41 trying to make a job work or it being my 20^th job in a 5 year span. I didn’t want to be struggling to make ends meet or be behind on bills or trying to fix a car older than me. No. I can’t imagine that. Honestly it’s been 5 years since I’ve been on my own you’d think I’d have myself somewhat together and I don’t. I’m hoping in the next 5 years that I do. However the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that no matter what(!)—no one comes before me.

 

I don’t mean in a negative selfish way. I was raised to always help someone because you never knew who would help you. Even though I’ve received little to no help. I still did it because that’s what I was taught. But I realized that sometimes you can’t help everyone else especially if you’re not helping yourself. I can’t be helping my “friend” or “man” out financially when I can’t even pay own bills or help myself out financially. I can’t be worried about someone’s transportation issues, if they’re the same person that won’t give me a ride when I need it. It’s ok to be compassionate and assist when acceptable. But you shouldn’t give all of yourself to a person who’s not even giving you  a mere morsel of themselves. That aint right.

 

This year I’ve learned to keep my success to myself. Even the slightest thing. I found when I boasted about it whatever it was I either lost it or never came into fruition. I learned to cut people off and focus on me and my needs. I got goals to accomplish. I want a new house at some point. I want to move out of state. But I need to be right financially and mentally to make that move. However when I focus on other people and their issues, I ended up helping them cleanse their problems and taking on theirs and still have mine too. I was tired of waiting on people to do fun stuff with me or for me because I wasn’t doting or fawning over them.

 

Well I’m 31 and I’m not having it. Unh-unh honey no more. That bullshit stops TODAY well it technically stopped on May 20, 2018 but you get my drift. I went out, I went and did what I wanted—movies, dinner, arcades galore—got me an ice cream birthday cake. In a long time I actually enjoyed my birthday. I had fun. I felt better too because I wasn’t dragging other people’s problems with me, or having them trying to block my shine or ruin my good mood. I didn’t have to be restricted or uncomfortable… It LEGIT was a good day! I said well I’ll be damned maybe I need to do this more often. And you know what?? Lesson learned….I plan to.

 

Reason 5: Work Ethics

I always thought I had a pretty decent worth ethic. I learned the basics from my parents and always felt ready for the working world. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was prepared but definitely not ready. I was told by my parents that if I showed up to work on time, be a team player and go in everyday no issues the employer will love me and I’d have little to no issues. I could succeed within the positon and company and create a career. Which is true, but only so much.

 

They only talked to me about how work ethics worked when they were working which is some 40 year difference. Then jobs accepted people and trained them and gave them job security. Jobs nowadays barely even offer paid time off or health care. I never thought working would so damned difficult. There I said it. I don’t care. It’s difficult as fuck for no reason. The prisons treat the inmates better than these companies do. I took my parents taught me into my jobs but I never considered that they would go unappreciated and I would be taken for granted and advantage of. I would be considered more of a crutch to the company opposed to an asset.

 

I had to learn that being early gets noticed but not for me being a diligent worker. One job had me show up almost an hour early before my schedule shift and then not pay me for it. Others have had me start as soon as I got there. No no. I start at 11:30 I’mma be ready for work at 11:31 not 11:14ambut you don’t start paying me until 11:31…. No no honey it don’t work that way and I’m not having it. I’ve had my paycheck messed up and no one wanted to fix or correct it. I’ve been promised time off and it get revoked without my knowledge. Even when getting dismissed from a company I received misinformation or information LATE and then told it was my fault I didn’t ask. How am I going to ask for information that is supposed to be given to me so I know to ask. It’s not like we’re talking potty training here or that we know blue and red makes purple. This is that oh you should’ve know that blue and orange make gray or that 1-2 month old kittens don’t know how to pee unless you rub their tummy. Shit that I need told to me. But I’m supposed to know this next level knowledge. I don’t like that. But I know it comes from this well I had to do it and so will you thought process but that’s not fair to jeopardize someone’s livelihood to quench your insatiable thirst.

 

However, I learned something with the last two jobs I had. Just can’t do my FUCK THIS JOB I’M LEAVING temper tantrum anymore. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder to find a job, let alone trying to find help. Single women are the country’s favorite thing unless we’re getting married and popping out babies. So instead of spazzing out like I want to do, I can’t I have to accept the mistreatment *eye roll* and keep it pushing if I want my job.

 

But(!) I decided to do things differently this time. I’ve been working diligently on my side business. I always pushed it to the side because I felt it wasn’t a right time or I wasn’t as financially stable as I wanted to be. So I continuously put it off, plus I wasn’t sure what it was going to be anyway. Yeah I did my flips and sold items years ago, but I needed to do something more. Especially now since items and resources are so readily available. I consider doing nails but I also didn’t want to be put in the position where someone is petty and wants to report me. However someone gave me an idea last year and I was able to turn that idea into something and it started me to think of other things to do. So now I’m making hair jewelry, eventually I’ll be starting on bath bombs, lip balms, soaps, maybe bath salts and still perfecting roller ball perfume. But what if I start something magical and not so clichéd? I think that’ll be awesome. I’m super excited about it. So between my 2 jobs, I’ll be working on my business as well. Lets not forget I wrote 3 books, and hoping to publish more (goal is to publish 2 this month). Since I’m self-publishing I’m still working on getting it distributed across all platforms as well. I don’t want to work for someone else’s dream to make a livelihood while being unappreciated the entire time. Yeah I know I won’t hit instant success but I also don’t want to be stuck scrounging for income because I lost a job or had one taken from me because someone else saw fit. That’s ok, I have a backup plan to a backup plan and I’m damned and determined to succeed.

Reason 4: Crying Helps

I used to think that you had to be strong for all things in life. People take the benefit of the doubt of crying as a child because it’s a form of expression then. But as you get older they say to stop crying or stop your whining, you need to grow up or toughen up. But why exactly? Probably the reason why so many people have mental issues because society regulates when and how they can be emotional so to speak.

 

Unfortunately I was a product of it to. Crying was always bad. I’m a crybaby. I can recall spending a many of days in my room crying or sobbing softly to myself because I didn’t want to be scolded or ridiculed by my parents, family or friends for being weak. They made me feel that was my most vulnerable state and my world would fall utterly apart if anyone saw me or heard me shed a tear too many. To a point it did help. It toughen me up where it’s rare if I do cry. Then I came across a saying that state crying helps cleanse the soul. Which I do agree. But I think it does more than that. It relieves the frustration that was building up, that break down helps make things clearer, it brings that raw emotion that is by far the most fascinating that we don’t see every day. We see sadness or forced sadness but never someone crying. Babies cry at everything…but you’ll never see an adult doing the same.

 

When my dad passed, I cried a lot. When my mom passed, I cried here and there but it was so emotionless. To the point it bothered people that I was walking around sobbing. HUH? What do you mean?? What the hell? Then it dawned on me well people want to see you cry to take pity on you and it gives them an emotional boost. I remembered it from when my dad passed everyone was so sorrowful and wanted to be helpful. But when the help was really needed or wanted; they had more excuses than a man caught cheating on wife. It was sickening to me. But I refused to be in the same situation crying for comfort and people aren’t doing it for my best interest or out of love but to feel inferior to me. So I refused to cry. I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or vulnerable. 

 

It bothered people. A lot. 

 

 

But then shortly after my mother passing, and things weren’t going right and people were treating me like crap and the realization of being just ME on my own forever. It tore me apart. I wanted to cry but I knew that I shouldn’t because I didn’t want to be weak. But I learned that I can hide how I truly feel. Whether I’m being honest with other people or not. I need to be true to myself. I learned I started to feel a whole lot better when I did cry, even if I was in so much pain. People are going to judge and say I’m weak because I haven’t experience child birth or had my first love break my heart… there is not measurement in how broken you can feel.  There isn’t a determination of worthiness when you need to breakdown and cry. Shit happens, although crying doesn’t alleviate the issue, it takes off some of the frustration and cloudiness.

 

Now I find that the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I watched a kid movie a while ago and I started sobbing uncontrollably like a baby. I got teary eyed driving to work today thinking about the bad day I had yesterday, even though I cried about it yesterday after work. It’s sad as hell but I like it. I feel like I’m back on the right path. I feel emotionally better, it still needs work but I feel like the burden has been lifted some. I feel like I’m on a new journey of rediscovering who I am and who I was.

Reason 2: It’s Ok To Be A Screw Up

So one thing, that I feel I’m a professional in is screwing up. Whether it’s Big Time or Royally—I’m a pro at it. The craziest part about it all is the fact that it used to bother me a lot. Because other people were bothered by my mistakes or human errors or screws ups. I used to feel bad for disappointing them and making them feel some sort emotion whatever that is. In a weird way, I do understand. You put your hopes and dreams into a person place them on the highest pedestal and have exaggeratedly high expectations—only to be let down HARD and be emotional. So yeah, I get that. However, why do we even do that? We never as people accept someone for who they are and what they bring to the table. We always expect more, want to change them or live in this fantasy world. But that can’t be. Because then you’re not even getting what you want, because of course over time people change, wants change, even needs change. Yet it’s our first go-to as a human when being mutually involved with another human being. It’s crazy!

 

Anyway. Knowingly disappointing people made me feel bad, real bad. I would be depressed or mope around. Probably cry in a corner somewhere over it lol. I hated it because I felt like everyone around me wanted me to be someone that I wasn’t or didn’t feel comfortable in being. I felt like I was being forced to be someone I didn’t know and I had no say in the matter of it.  Whether it was by my parents, family, friends or potential “boyfriends” I felt like I had to change into a LeSans that was more aesthetically pleasing to them. Forget about how I felt or what I wanted. 

 

It was until I gotten older, in college I screwed up bad. My dad was pissed. Even when I felt the only way to fix the issue was to leave college, he told me no. Well later I told my mom about my issue then with my dad she told me we’ll you should’ve dropped out that would’ve shown him. I’m like WHUT?! What do you mean? She said well if you didn’t like it or didn’t feel comfortable you can always leave a situation no matter what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. He wasn’t there so he can’t say if it was hard or difficult. But he can’t tell you to do something if you felt it wasn’t right. Which was weird coming from her. But she was right. Sometimes we can’t focus on the outcome or the other person’s feelings, we come first, we make mistakes, we screw up. Until we learn to embrace that quirk we can never be ok with anything else in life. We’ll be too focus on what someone else will say or how they’ll feel. 

 

So guess what? I’m a college dropout from an Ivy League school (more of a flunkie), I’ve been pregnant on several occasions (much to my chagrin) luckily not a mom trying hard to keep it that way. I’m always in a new job whether I quit or lose it, I stay for maybe a year or so lol. I fucked up on my bills like ALL THE TIME. Even fucked up royally with the IRS. I’ve messed up friendships trying to be a friend or being too submissive. I got fucked over by fuck boys in every way and form possible. I’m a disappointment to my family, friends hate me and men can’t stand me. I’m what they call a bitter ass old cat lady and you know what??? I love every single moment of it. I have no one to please but myself. I know I’m a screw up and I make sure that I don’t try to be too hard on myself. If I make a goal I try to stick with it, if I don’t oh well no biggie. I’ll try again next time, hopefully tomorrow. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Neither should you.

 

So next time someone throws a major fit on you because you were being human, you tell that obnoxious prick to fuck off because if you did it to them they would be ever so emotionally dramatic will the fall out. Let them know you’re proud to be a screw up. 

Reason 1: Growing Up A Decade Is Hard To Do

It’s funny when I hear someone say that they did so much growing within a year. Which I can say I was guilty of that too. However now I’m a little older I disagree with it. A lot of things can happen in a year and even though we think we might have grown up some or changed within that time frame. I don’t think that’s it. We may do one thing differently and feel it’s growth. In some cases that one small thing isn’t as big as an impact as we believe it is. It’s like saying you’re going to stop eating chips but continuing eating candy. Not all changes are good changes or what’s best for you. I did find out that within an Decade a lot can happen. It’s long term focus that we tend to ignore a lot of the time.

 

 

I can say that 10 years ago I never thought THEN that my life would turn out like this. It never crossed my mind nor was a random scenario in my head either. I never thought at 21 that I’d be 31, with cats, single, struggling to survive and still trying to figure life out. I thought then I would be married with kids possibly working living happily with my family and parents. Even though things didn’t work out the way I thought or planned. Life took a different direction. Went through loss, heartache, breakdowns and even was so distraught I wanted to end it all because I felt like I didn’t belong and had no purpose. However all those feelings and experience brought me to where I am now. I’m proud of myself of making it this far. In this year I was able to reflect on the last 10years and all the situations and experiences that followed.

 

I learned that surviving on my own would be a challenge. I learned taking on responsibilities like the house, bills and other expenses would be a challenge. I found out friends aren’t really looking to be your friends. I learned that when someone claims to love you doesn’t mean they really do. Family isn’t supportive and sometimes the plan you worked so hard to turn into a goal isn’t what you wanted or what was best for you in the first place. I must say the last 10years have been a bumpy ride. However I hope that with all that the next decade(s) will be my serenity. I don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over again. I want to be able to prosper. To define my life and create even a smudge in history, even if it’s short-lived. I want to marvel at becoming 40 or 50 or 60. Now I might be getting older but that doesn’t mean I got to carry the burden of the past 10years or so with me and taint the next decade. I think 31 is a perfect turning point. I have 30years to make things right or least decent. I plan on living to the fullest and enjoying every single moment of it too.

31 Reasons

Hi Kids!

 

So I decided to take some inspiration from “13 Reasons Why” and create 31 Reasons Why. Not so much in the negative or sad state. But in a positive state and hopefully be able to inspire someone or prompt you all to do the same thing. And what exactly is different about the 31 Reasons Why?? A Lot. It’s nothing to do with suicide nor am I knocking it in anyway or form. Since I turned 31 this past Sunday, I spent a lot of time these last few weeks and months reflecting on my life, myself and goals I would like to accomplish as I continue to grow. A lot has happened and some of the things I’ve experienced took a bigger toll on me, others blew me completely away and I was never ready for the outcome of it.

 

Turning 31 has definitely been interesting. Even though I feel like I’m 92 honestly. My bones and everything aches like a motherfucker but what can you do? I tolerate it because I don’t want to smell like Bengay or Icy Hot lol. I can say this has been a really decent birthday in a long time. So that made me very happy. It also got me thinking about a few things, which is how I got to this point. I wanted to reflect on the things I’ve learned this last year or so. Things I hope for in the years to come. And also on how much I have and will be growing. It hit me heavy but it opened my mind and gave me a small but loud wake up call.  I was going to jot these down as small posts but eventually changed my mind and decided to make them more detailed and in depth. 

 

So I’ll be posting at least once or twice a day for this and I hope you all enjoy this little journey. It’s gonna be fun! Now what I will do is make a list at the bottom so if you happened to come in later on (which is fine, better late than never!) you can click on the topic and not have to sift through all the posts on here lol.

 

 

Reason 1

Happy Mama’s Day

I just wanna wish all the mommies [and daddies] out there a very Happy Mother’s Day. May you all have many more and may your children appreciate you even more!! Cherish one another because one day it’ll just be another Sunday...

This Is Gambino

This video left me stunned and hyped up. I love it!!

Hoppy Easter

Hi kids!!

SO I just wanted to wish everyone a very very Happy Easter and a Happy April Fools Day as well! Enjoy your day, have a blast and I'll talk to you soon!

Pay It Forward!

Hey kids!!

I have a friend in need. And it would mean the WORLD to the both of us if you could help us out a bunch!! 

Anything you can donate is greatly appreciated. Honestly if you do—please email me immediately at taurie2006@aol.com and I’ll be sure to personally mail you a thank you card in gratitude. 

So check it out for me and share this will all your friends!! 

gf.me/u/hjyadh

Busy B

Hey kids!

I’ve been so busy with my writings and my jewelry AND THIS COLD. Haven’t had much time to say hello. The crazy part. I’m not even working yet I’m drained like I just worked 4 jobs and gave birth to triplets! 

Anyway. If you haven’t done so, please check out the Bunny Store! I posted my new book in there which is available on Lulu & Amazon. Soon should be available at Barnes & Nobles as well. Also posted my hair jewelry I’ve been working on as well and you can get those lovelies from my Etsy shop Armenea’s. 

I’m also in the process of making roller ball perfumes as well as maybe get into crocheting something or other. We’ll see how that goes. 

I did want to take time out from writing these next two books. Yeah I took on more than I could chew—ugh! I believed I’ve snapped lol. Anyway, I wanted to let you guys and dolls know that my book Bunny Tales is FREE on amazon for a limited time! Just the ebook. 

So hop on over there and grab it while you can and tell your friends and then their friends and so on and so forth. 

Please by all means write a review or comment on here. Hell if you have an idea pitch it to me! 

When EXACTLY Is Condom Week??

I came across this last night and found it to be interesting. A lot of people don’t know what it is or when it is. But I think this is cool that they’re trying to educate the younger kids about it. I feel like the lax sexual education didn’t prepare me or many people in my age group (the 30+) what the actual affects of unprotected sex could cause. Click here for more info >>

Happy Condom Week 2018!!

Happy Valentines Day

The Everything Condom

 

It’s Ms. Bunny Baby

Niggas

AF

As The Carrot Turns

I have a confession....

When I’m at work.

In the elevator by myself. 

I twerk on the handrailing in it...

Just so people can touch my butt 

Talk

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot, And Auld Lang Syne