The Table pt. 2

 

Ok, now that you had time to think about all the attributes that you want the potential bae to have or expected to be.

 

Now everything you thought of—are YOU every one of those? Who you are now, does that fit the criteria that you just rattled off or jotted down?

 

Now if you had to pause or think about it or even made a face or even let the thought of “this isn’t about me…” comes to mind…. The answer is no baby.

 

 

I can’t say I want a college educated man, if I’m a whole ass college drop out. I can’t say I want to be with a surgeon but I work as a cashier.  That’s unfair. But a lot of people think like that. It’s unfair to say to someone they’re wrong for not wanting to compromise and settle their standards so you can fit in their puzzle. No. It’s not cool at all. What’s crazy is the fact that people try to justify their handicaps as a gain for the next person. Like everyone says I’m wrong for thinking that singletons with children shouldn’t think (mostly demand) that they date someone without kids. No no no honey. I’m not bringing kids on my pop out try, what is you doing??? It’s unacceptable. Now if you meet someone who says I’m ok with it, that’s a different story. But you can’t force your ideals on other people. As much as I’d love to see a successful black man, with money, his own house and car and college educated. I can’t force those on a broke ass. I can’t force those on a mediocre man or a blue collar brother. Unfortunately NOW I GET THAT.  You’d hate to have a friend say oh lets go out for dinner, drinks and movies but you’re footing the bill and all they wanna say how much of a buzzkill you are, and you guys are friends and it’s not that serious. It’s annoying as fuck and hurtful if you’ve been in that situation. If you haven’t been in that situation… two things: give it time or you are that lousy friend (even more so if you just got offended).

 

I want someone that can match what I got. Which is a house, a car, no kids and a job. If you don’t have those then we don’t need to talk. There is no negoation or compromising on this. Everytime I have I had to compensate for a man who wasn’t up for the challenge and he would get mad that I asked him to do better. When he’s bringing me the best he is. Either I put up or shut up. And since I don’t do either, I’m just going to leave well enough alone. Because if I shut up and ignore it, I know I won’t be happy. If I put up with it, I’m settling for something that bothers me and he may not be willing to change. Now when I was younger I was willing to do the put up and shut up. Because I felt that he would want to change or want more like I did. Unfortunately in any of the interactions I’ve had with men it was never the case. The men that seem to fit my little tray were already married or taken for the long haul. So I then thought about the men available to me. Which is when my standards began to change immensely and the list became shorter. 

 

It was until my last two relationships that I got to reflect on what really happened. I know that a lot of what went down was my fault and there were red flags and moments I should’ve spoken up. I didn’t, I ignored it and hoped for  the best.  First, his tray matched mine very well actually. Job, own place, no kids, car, educated… seemed ideal right? It wasn’t. Once we got the table together we weren’t on the same page. While I was trying again to make a relationship work, he was looking for a fling and I turned into a side piece basically. So the table fell apart. Second one, most recent and the longest so called relationship. Our tray seem to set well into each other, however I thought well sometimes pieces don’t always fit and glue (bond) can help mend it. Please don’t be like me or many other people, thinking that with time it’s gonna erode into the perfect table. Even if that does happen it’s going to have a weak foundation.  My ex came with 3 kids, a car, no place of his own, a job. Me: no kids, no car, house & job. Ok maybe we can make this work. Shimmy the trays together sorta got a table thing going on here. So then we talked about what we’ll put on the table. Which was unclear on his end and I let be (and shouldn’t’ve). He said he wanted to get married and one more kid that was it. There was no plans of getting better jobs or advancing into a careers, getting a bigger house or moving, investments. Nothing. Just his constantly convenient conversation about us getting married “next year” definitely. Then after a year of trying to accommodate his short comings, since I started doing better like getting  a car, as well as a second job. He decided to cheat on me. Which I found real convenient when he’s telling me we couldn’t have sex until marriage, but I can suck his dick though—go figure. But we had sex, unfortunately got pregnant around the same time I found out I was, also found out he was cheating with the coworker. Went straight to hell after. We fought, argued, screaming matches galore. I lost the baby, and then found out he had baby on the way with someone else! Tried to make it work and still going back and forth, he got aggressive, and real disrespectful. I got tired of trying to keep this so called table together. His kids came before me no matter what. I wasn’t even allowed to meet them, his mom or his family. I was his side chick. That’s why there was no sex (besides him getting head), no marriage, and he was adamant about not helping me because he said he didn’t have to (but I was supposed to be providing him with love, support, money and letting him stake claim on my possessions). No this ain’t going to work and anything we set on the table always fell off. Even though he wanted to keep “trying” or basically denying me from seeing someone else. It wasn’t working. And I had to let it go even though it left my tray a little damage and worn.

 

I learned that I can’t force something to be what I want. It’s not happening. Needs are important but not everyone takes those into consideration. With everyone talking about how they’ve ended up with the wrong person or being mistreated. Like shut up, you tried to fixed something that didn’t need to be fixed. If you ever meet someone and their flaws bother you that much, you trying to rewire them is not going to change the fact you’re forcing something that shouldn’t be forced. It should happen as naturally as possible and bring out the best in you. Make you happy as hell too. But you don’t look at that, and you’re excited at finding someone who takes you as a fancy. You try to hold on to that because dating nowadays is so hard. So even with my beat up tray, I went back to my standards. Only reason is because I feel if that other person has the same standards as I do, then we can communicate more fluidly and be able to better place things on the table. Like if I’m with someone with my same standards, he’ll understanding dating on the weekday is a no go because I work. He should understand that I maybe short on cash because I’m paying all the bills on my own. He can understand why I work two jobs, or why I don’t want or have kids, he can appreciate that I’m busy and may not have time for him. We can go on a trip without worrying about money being tight or a babysitter. We’re looking to maybe get new cars or homes or jobs. Things we have in common to relate to and be able conquer together. That’s where the items on the table become important. I see a lot of women only offering other men’s children, attitude and sex and want to be treated like a queen by a man who has it all. Or men who works part time at a fast food joint with no interest of getting another job, no house, no car, nothing and wants a woman to do it all while he sit on his ass like a king. No. That don’t work for me.

 

Now I’m not saying a person can’t have flaws. My mom hated smoking and drinking. Anyone who did it she had little to no respect for you, she was turned off and disgusted. But guess what?? My dad was a serious smoker and was a social drinker. My mom hated facial hair, dad had a beard quite often. So even in those moments, they still made it work for 50 plus years. So flaws can be tolerated and appreciated because you love and care about that person. But it shouldn’t be out of control where it makes you miserable and unhappy. Too many of us are forcing a relationship or are in denial and want to tell someone else what they’re missing. It’s funny I get female friends saying I need to go find the right man and how much better I’d feel with one. While I look at her situation, they live in a shitty apartment they can’t afford, he has a fast food job and she half ass works but the sex is great and he loves her. Um, I’m cool boo. I gotta house, a car, usually keep a decent job and can go on trips or least to the movies without a man. So something’s wrong lol. The men I’ve attracted as of late all got kids and I have little to no interest. I’m not about to compete for love and affection for kids/baby mamas that win by default. No this is not the Roman empire and I’m not a gladiator. However I’m not out there looking either because I know the men in my age group all have them. So I rather just leave well enough alone. Then comes the WHAT ABOUT SEX….uhhh I don’t want it. I was with a man 3 years and had sex with him 5 times maybe and it wasn’t nothing to get excited about. And I’m not into hooking up with whoever or meeting someone off the internet. So if I can survive 4 years no sex and 3 years with a man and still no sex… I think I’ll be fine. I don’t want STDs or an unplanned baby again. I got things I want to do, like travel abroad. I want to publish more books, open up my business, experience as many new things as much as possible. I don’t want to sit with a man who just wants to smoke a blunt, drink, watch Netflix/cable AT MY HOUSE. I don’t have the patience to figure out if the next man is going to be different or not. I’m 31 and I’m not trying to give every guy I meet 3-5 years of my life to show he’s not fully interested. That’s unfair to me. I’m not putting myself on the back burner for anyone or forcing something that doesn’t need to be. 

 

It’s your tray, you do with it as you please. But consider what you have to offer and how that stacks up to the competition (potential bae). As well as if you’re a good fit for each other and have some MAJOR things in common. Then what goals you BOTH want to accomplish together for the future. If it doesn’t fit or seems uneasy, take a break and re-evaluate. If it still don’t work just call it a day and move on. Don’t water yourself down to be tolerable for someone else. Also don’t demand things that you don’t have or can’t provide. It’s an equivalent exchange of life to balance things out and earn that content. If you feel otherwise I’m ok with that. To each their own. I just know a McDonald’s manager, baby’s dad, wannabe future rapper, homeless fuckboy ain’t going to work for me. Since that’s what I attract, me and my tray is gonna be over here—chilling like a villain lol.