Kwanzaa | Kuumba

"Creativity"

To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

I love the meaning of this. It's to use your own skills to apply to the world around you and upgrade it to something that you can later marvel at and leave something special to the next generations. 

But I think it can apply for trying to be better than you were yesterday. You work on yourself today to be something better in the future. It's the investment. I think it's a beautiful thing. I work hard to make my future a little bit better each day. I know it'll take time and patient and a lot more hard work. But it'll be worth it. I have faith that it'll work out and I'll be able to marvel at the journey it took me to get to where I'll be when that time comes to reflect and appreciate the effort I put in. 

I plan on to continue to better myself until I reach the goals I've set for myself. And along the way I might start to include other goals I never considered or never gave a second thought to. I'm excited to see how it all plays out in the end. I still believe I'll be an awesome cat lady. But then again people are rooting for me to have a baby or two. Either way how it plays out, I'll accept it and be thankful for the hard work I put in. 

Happy Kwanzaa!

Hi kids!! 

I first want to wish everyone a happy holiday season. I know I'm late and been more MIA than the stereotypical dead beat dad lol. And I'm sorry. Been dealing with life to the fullest and at times more than I could handle. 

So this year I was damned and determined to do Kwanzaa this year. So instead of reflecting on the outside like I did the year before last (2013) and the year before that (2012). I decided to reflect on myself as a person. And have a chit-chat on how Kwanzaa was applied to my life through examples. Because we all learn something new everyday and sometimes taking on others experiences are a plus because you can kind of have a thought in mind about a situation without going fully blindly into, right?? So like always I hope this helps you out and adds entertainment or even a peace of mind lol. 

Kwanzaa | Nia

"Purpose"

To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness. 

I think as of now I thought I knew what my purpose was. But then I found out that I was wrong. Well not so much wrong but incorrect to a point. I'm finding things about myself that I never new existed. As well nostalgically revisiting who I was and reinventing that into something more modernesque. I think this new found understanding is what I was lacking when I last wrote about Nia two years ago. 

2 years ago-even 3 years ago you couldn't have told me that I would be the person I am. I was full fledge bad ass who couldn't stand men and wanted to be the ultimate hot ass cat lady every to walk this earth. Boy was I wrong! Or delusional. Probably both in some regards lol. I found out two cats were too much for me to handle. I found several relationship prospects. One whom (was mentioned in the previous post) was able to open my heart and emotions up. Make me vulnerable against my wishes. But he made me be able to fully accept the man I'm with now. I wouldn't have it any other way. Hell I didn't think I'd be in a decent relationship with a guy who not only respects me and values me. But treats me like his best friend. Is he the one?? Ehhh let's not get carried away lol. We've known each other for 6months and been together for 4 of them and I'm quite contented. 

But that's the beautiful thing. The whole while I was thinking I was meant to be alone and unhappy and basically always be a side chick. Things have changed and so has my outlook on what my purpose may be. Yeah the first purpose could've been it. But it doesn't mean we have to have just ONE SOLITARY PURPOSE to manifest our lives after. No. You can have more than one. They can coincide with the times or different events that take place in life. There's a reason why there are Jacks (& Jackies) of all trades. 

Kwanzaa | Ujamaa

"Cooperative Economics"

To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together 

I finally decided. That instead of waiting for that golden opportune moment to start working towards having my own business. I got to start somewhere. I did. It may not be a huge step. It even be the very beginning but guess what?? It's a start either way!! I'm proud of myself. I want to establish a business that benefits everyone not just me. I want to be that help that people wish was available. I want to be that extra push. That helping hand we need when we don't have that strong support system. I want people to know there's help. You don't have to be broke and shiftless looking for help. You can be you. Struggling and trying and doing your best everyday. That effort is suppose to be rewarded. It's suppose to be commended and recognized. 

I want to be that pat on the back that gives people the hope to keep on trying. 

Kwanzaa | Ujima

"Collective Work & Responsibility"

To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

I learned something really really important. Sometimes no matter how much we hate to admit it. Sometimes we are wrong and we have to accept responsibility for our actions. Yeah there are those moments where we can walk away from something and leave it up in the air and eventually it'll go away. But not everything can be conducted in the same manner. 

I have poor banking habits. And I know it. And mostly it comes from trying to make $5 into $50. It's not happening when your pay is that "$5" but bills are "$100" it's like a conspiracy. However I always felt if I ignored it long enough it'll go away. My mama would tell me to stop that as how that would impact my life later on. But like a lot of things she told me it never made sense or had little to no importance until my taxes were due and I don't have a way to write a check. I can't open another bank account for a while—or at least until I resolve my debts. What sucks is that I'm trying so hard but I feel like I keep getting knocked back a few spaces. 

But I realized that running away from my problems isn't going to solve anything. I decided for 2016 I want to try to face my financial problems head on and assume the responsibility that I fucked up and I need to fix this if I want to have a decent future. I can't assume that my problems will go away or written off. They'll be there waiting like karma to bite me in the ass. So I've decided to be a responsible adult (as much as I possibly can) and handle business like I'm suppose to. I may not like it and it may put me in a financial bind. But I don't want to be struggling or acting like a everyday broke hood rat either. I want change. But first before I can get the change I have to learn responsibility. 

Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia

"Self-Determination"

To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

There were moments during these last two years that I lost my focus on myself. I don't mean in a selfish way. I was so bent on being unified with as many people as possible. I fell off from my own individuality and lost focus on improving myself. 

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost a whole year who was everything I ever wanted. He was older, single—no kids or crazy exes, came from a good household, had a good job, his own house, car and was just fucking perfect. Like my god it was like where have you been all my life(?) type of thing. I will say in the beginning of our relationship things were blissful and filled with lust. I was happy. But it took a horrible turn for the worst unfortunately. And I found myself in a relationship I wasn't happy but was desperately holding on to even though I knew it had no chance of surviving or if it did it wouldn't grow into anything more than it already was. It was a weed more so than a blossom. But I delusionally thought that at some point it could be a blossom someday. 

We spent majority of the time in this off and on, break up to have make up sex while he half assed everything kind of relationship. It was until I thought I was possibly pregnant that this wasn't going to work. I had lost myself, forgotten how important it was to be good to myself, misunderstood his half ass caring for love and respect. I was hell bent on keeping what I wanted and pleasing society and those around me that I forgot how to be Bunny. I felt like LéSans all over again. Akin to whatever goes. Trying to make a catastrophe disaster a beautiful something. 

As I found out I wasn't pregnant. I sat there and thought. Here I am giving the very best of me to a man who can't even put me on the list of possible considerations. He didn't care about me like he said. He enjoyed the passing thought of me and what I had to offer. I wasn't that girl he wanted to marry and fall in love with every day for the rest of his life. I was that trophy wife that everyone would be pleased with and he would get the upmost recognition for. The whole while—he was no good for me. So I broke up with him. 

I was tired of being a passing thought. I was tired of being ignored and waved off. I was tired of being hinted as a burden. And I was especially tired of holding on and trying to make something work he wasn't willing to even meet me half way. When I broke up with him oh we battled for two months. He didn't want to end it. But I'm trying to figure out why we're continuing it. So when I decided to make changes in my life to make me happy. He wasn't happy with that. I got a new job, new attitude and dropped his sorry ass. I'm glad I did too. I wouldn't been able to meet my new guy, experience new things and become an even better woman. 

But then came another obstacle. I decided to get a roommate. Mostly because I was out of work and needed the extra income at the time. That was easier said than done. Between her telling me. She's moving soon and NOT PAYING RENT. She wanted to run up the utilities and leave a mess and basically be a complete slob. I had to force her to pay me rent. While she go on vacations and buy shit she wanted I'm struggling to keep the lights and shit on. But what's crazy is when I put her out finally. She felt it was ok to leave her stuff and store it at my house and come back for it when she got ready. I had to fight her to come get her shit. Which she didn't come get until a MONTH after she was evicted. Which was this month. But had the audacity to tell me she felt she didn't have to pay me rent or follow the rules in my house. Well then you don't need to be living here either. She wouldn't even sign a month to month lease. Even told me $300 and $400 was too much for rent (but wanted a place that was $790+ a month plus utilities and fees). No. You gotta go. I don care if our friendship is severed or no longer. I don't care. That was unfair to me. She's working two jobs and not pitching in and I'm here broke and hungry. And she don't understand why I'm angry. 

But I was so focused on her bullshit and nonsense that I let my bills get out of control. I was close to being homeless myself by not paying my taxes. So now I have to work 12hr shifts at my job just to break even and take care of myself. It wasn't fair. It's definitely not healthy. 

So even though I'm working on trying to find that unified compromise to coexist with others. I have to remember that my individuality matters too; I can't get lost in others and forget to continue to find and better myself. So for 2016 I want to continue working on my relationship with others but work on being determined for myself and becoming a better person than I was yesterday. 

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Kwanzaa | Umoja

"Unity"

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

I found out that sometimes you have to learn to have unity. For me being an old child and always having to do everything on my own or for myself is challenging within itself. 

At my old job I had to learn to have unity in order to work well with my customers. Sometimes having a support system is more that just a novelty. Those are the people that keep you up when your knees begin to buckle or give way due to life's hardships. However when you're stuck depending on yourself. You don't have a choice but to be strong and hold your own ground. No matter how many times you may buckle, waver or fall. Getting back up is your only choice. It's unfortunate that some people don't understand it. It's ok not too. Sometimes I have to wonder how I've been able to stand my own ground for so long. 

However having to depend on people and work along side people not only bode successful for ourselves individually but for the greater cause we were working for. Which was to have a successful customer service. 

But with that being said. That's also helped me get me where I'm at. It's ok to ask for help. That trust and bond that you build while asking for help creates the unity that we all need actually. I know if I hadn't learned that type of unified compromise I wouldn't be able to make my current relationship work either (yeah a lot has changed & happened lol). That unity that I strive for in my relationship is what was lacking in my last relationship not on my part either. 

Unity has taught me a lot in 2014 and 2015 and I'm glad it did! Because it's making me an even better person and I like it and I'm happy with the current outcome. It's ok to depend on people. It's also ok to help people too. You never know who will be there to help and support you. My mama always told me that and she's right. I hope to strive for that kind of unity and not only help people but be apart of a support system that can handle things head on without trembling or falling apart. 

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