Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia

"Self-Determination"

To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

There were moments during these last two years that I lost my focus on myself. I don't mean in a selfish way. I was so bent on being unified with as many people as possible. I fell off from my own individuality and lost focus on improving myself. 

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost a whole year who was everything I ever wanted. He was older, single—no kids or crazy exes, came from a good household, had a good job, his own house, car and was just fucking perfect. Like my god it was like where have you been all my life(?) type of thing. I will say in the beginning of our relationship things were blissful and filled with lust. I was happy. But it took a horrible turn for the worst unfortunately. And I found myself in a relationship I wasn't happy but was desperately holding on to even though I knew it had no chance of surviving or if it did it wouldn't grow into anything more than it already was. It was a weed more so than a blossom. But I delusionally thought that at some point it could be a blossom someday. 

We spent majority of the time in this off and on, break up to have make up sex while he half assed everything kind of relationship. It was until I thought I was possibly pregnant that this wasn't going to work. I had lost myself, forgotten how important it was to be good to myself, misunderstood his half ass caring for love and respect. I was hell bent on keeping what I wanted and pleasing society and those around me that I forgot how to be Bunny. I felt like LéSans all over again. Akin to whatever goes. Trying to make a catastrophe disaster a beautiful something. 

As I found out I wasn't pregnant. I sat there and thought. Here I am giving the very best of me to a man who can't even put me on the list of possible considerations. He didn't care about me like he said. He enjoyed the passing thought of me and what I had to offer. I wasn't that girl he wanted to marry and fall in love with every day for the rest of his life. I was that trophy wife that everyone would be pleased with and he would get the upmost recognition for. The whole while—he was no good for me. So I broke up with him. 

I was tired of being a passing thought. I was tired of being ignored and waved off. I was tired of being hinted as a burden. And I was especially tired of holding on and trying to make something work he wasn't willing to even meet me half way. When I broke up with him oh we battled for two months. He didn't want to end it. But I'm trying to figure out why we're continuing it. So when I decided to make changes in my life to make me happy. He wasn't happy with that. I got a new job, new attitude and dropped his sorry ass. I'm glad I did too. I wouldn't been able to meet my new guy, experience new things and become an even better woman. 

But then came another obstacle. I decided to get a roommate. Mostly because I was out of work and needed the extra income at the time. That was easier said than done. Between her telling me. She's moving soon and NOT PAYING RENT. She wanted to run up the utilities and leave a mess and basically be a complete slob. I had to force her to pay me rent. While she go on vacations and buy shit she wanted I'm struggling to keep the lights and shit on. But what's crazy is when I put her out finally. She felt it was ok to leave her stuff and store it at my house and come back for it when she got ready. I had to fight her to come get her shit. Which she didn't come get until a MONTH after she was evicted. Which was this month. But had the audacity to tell me she felt she didn't have to pay me rent or follow the rules in my house. Well then you don't need to be living here either. She wouldn't even sign a month to month lease. Even told me $300 and $400 was too much for rent (but wanted a place that was $790+ a month plus utilities and fees). No. You gotta go. I don care if our friendship is severed or no longer. I don't care. That was unfair to me. She's working two jobs and not pitching in and I'm here broke and hungry. And she don't understand why I'm angry. 

But I was so focused on her bullshit and nonsense that I let my bills get out of control. I was close to being homeless myself by not paying my taxes. So now I have to work 12hr shifts at my job just to break even and take care of myself. It wasn't fair. It's definitely not healthy. 

So even though I'm working on trying to find that unified compromise to coexist with others. I have to remember that my individuality matters too; I can't get lost in others and forget to continue to find and better myself. So for 2016 I want to continue working on my relationship with others but work on being determined for myself and becoming a better person than I was yesterday.