It's Not OK!

So today was probably my worst day so far in the new year. I've been having an on going battle with my boyfriend of 2 years. We've been arguing a lot lately. Which he calls a disagreement. But blaming someone they're cheating or making radical racial slurs is an argument. But also on the same token he's been rude, disrespectful and just a plain ass to me. And I guess today I had enough. 

But between friends and everyone saying to try and work it out. Or hear him out, continue loving him. To break up with the asshole you deserve better! All those are easier said than done. It took me a whole month to break up with him. And he didn't want to break up. But within all this I have a point to make. I've googled and I've search and nothing spoke to my situation. NOTHING. Between him acting like an asshole all the time and my ex acting like any minute we're going to get back together. It's been a real fucking pain. 

And I know somewhere there's girl in my shoes wonder what the hell to do. What to do when your boyfriend doesn't want to break up. What to do when you're pregnant by your long term boyfriend and he denies your baby. What to do when your ex won't take the hint and move the fuck on. What to do when everyone is telling you break up like you buy the shit at the store. What to with yourself and your heart when you know you love that person so much it hurts and it tears you apart inside. What to do when you know you'll never get that apology, that hug or that love from someone who feel they're not wrong. They don't see a problem with their actions. 

It's not ok when your man disrespects you. If he says the slightest thing. It's not ok. He shouldn't say you're a lying cheating whore, that the baby he made with you isn't his and he refuses to claim it. He shouldn't be begging you for money and not paying you back or using your car and bring it back on empty. He shouldn't keep your relationship with him a secret or on the hush-hush. If he has kids, you should at least meet them before anyone else. He shouldn't be withholding sex or love from you. He shouldn't demand you give him blow jobs or meet his every need and want. He shouldn't treat you like a maid or servant. He damn sure shouldn't get mad when you start doing better like getting s car or getting a new job or a better place to live. He shouldn't be telling you how you have to have permission to have male friends. Or to have roommates in your house if he's not even willing to help you with bills or expenses. You shouldn't have to beg him to do things for you. And you damn sure shouldn't have to get this indecisive ass answer on whether or not he's going to help you or not. He shouldn't be blaming you for his downfall or failures. He shouldn't blame others for misfortunes and difficult situations. He shouldn't be trying to mold you into someone you're not. Whether it's faint, heavy, aggressive, or smoothering—he has to accept there are dislikable things about you. But constantly pointing them out and wanting them to be changed, washed away or adjusted isn't acceptance. He shouldn't be affording the next man the opportunity to help you and get mad because someone else didn't want to see you struggle. If he can't tell you where he's at, where he's been or who he's with. Hell if he can't tell you where he lives or even go so far to ignore you and keep in contact with you based on his convenience alone. WHATEVER IT MAY BE—if he made you cry and laughed while you were hurting. 

DAMMIT IT IS NOT OK!! 

It's not. Get out while you can. 

You can do so much better. If you want to. If you don't that's ok too. Worry about what's best for you. 

That man is suppose to love you. You shouldn't have to chase him. If he cared, he wouldn't give you a reason to second guess his actions or conversation. He would communicate with you and to you. There is no screaming matches or him telling you how stupid you are or evading questions or talking over you. You wouldn't have to struggle. And you all would be able to make sound decisions whether that's on a future together, marriage, kids or even just making a plan on date night. He shows you how much he cares. He wouldn't want to see you struggle. He would be proud and happy that you're becoming a better woman, a better person. He would be your strength. He will love everything about you. He wouldn't do something that would jeopardize your relationship and risk him losing you. He'd be good to you. And will always remain good to you. Because he loves you.  

But if your man isn't doing any of that. Or acts like taking you on a date or being good to you is a chore or a problem. Then honey you don't need him. 

If you're paying for dates, or gas in his car or sexually satisfying him and he's not giving you shit. Then leave him—immediately. It ain't worth it. 

You can do bad on your own. 

Make 2017 count. Drop the bad relationship. Drop the inconsiderate cunt of a boyfriend. Tell the ex boyfriend who's turned into a crazed stalker to bugger  off. Work on being a good woman, a good mom and an even greater person. Travel, see the world, have fun, take the risk, get a new job, new home, new car, go make new friends if you have to. If you aanr love baby let it find you. If you don't that's ok. It's ok to be bitter and unhappy for awhile. Don't let anyone have the opportunity to disrespect you and hurt your soul. And don't let someone else tell you that you're wrong for feeling jaded for being betrayed by someone you loved wholeheartedly. Fuck them. 

Just please. Please don't fuck up like I did. You don't want to be unhappy and pregnant and all alone. It's sucks. 

So please whatever you do. Please fight for you. And if you have a baby, fight for them. They're all you got in the end and you can't be weak or waver. You got to be the bamboo among trees and yes you will bend and sway but continue to stay strong and hold on. 

You'll overcome one day.