Kwanzaa | Kuumba

"Creativity"

To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

I love the meaning of this. It's to use your own skills to apply to the world around you and upgrade it to something that you can later marvel at and leave something special to the next generations. 

But I think it can apply for trying to be better than you were yesterday. You work on yourself today to be something better in the future. It's the investment. I think it's a beautiful thing. I work hard to make my future a little bit better each day. I know it'll take time and patient and a lot more hard work. But it'll be worth it. I have faith that it'll work out and I'll be able to marvel at the journey it took me to get to where I'll be when that time comes to reflect and appreciate the effort I put in. 

I plan on to continue to better myself until I reach the goals I've set for myself. And along the way I might start to include other goals I never considered or never gave a second thought to. I'm excited to see how it all plays out in the end. I still believe I'll be an awesome cat lady. But then again people are rooting for me to have a baby or two. Either way how it plays out, I'll accept it and be thankful for the hard work I put in. 

Happy Kwanzaa!

Hi kids!! 

I first want to wish everyone a happy holiday season. I know I'm late and been more MIA than the stereotypical dead beat dad lol. And I'm sorry. Been dealing with life to the fullest and at times more than I could handle. 

So this year I was damned and determined to do Kwanzaa this year. So instead of reflecting on the outside like I did the year before last (2013) and the year before that (2012). I decided to reflect on myself as a person. And have a chit-chat on how Kwanzaa was applied to my life through examples. Because we all learn something new everyday and sometimes taking on others experiences are a plus because you can kind of have a thought in mind about a situation without going fully blindly into, right?? So like always I hope this helps you out and adds entertainment or even a peace of mind lol. 

Kwanzaa | Nia

"Purpose"

To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness. 

I think as of now I thought I knew what my purpose was. But then I found out that I was wrong. Well not so much wrong but incorrect to a point. I'm finding things about myself that I never new existed. As well nostalgically revisiting who I was and reinventing that into something more modernesque. I think this new found understanding is what I was lacking when I last wrote about Nia two years ago. 

2 years ago-even 3 years ago you couldn't have told me that I would be the person I am. I was full fledge bad ass who couldn't stand men and wanted to be the ultimate hot ass cat lady every to walk this earth. Boy was I wrong! Or delusional. Probably both in some regards lol. I found out two cats were too much for me to handle. I found several relationship prospects. One whom (was mentioned in the previous post) was able to open my heart and emotions up. Make me vulnerable against my wishes. But he made me be able to fully accept the man I'm with now. I wouldn't have it any other way. Hell I didn't think I'd be in a decent relationship with a guy who not only respects me and values me. But treats me like his best friend. Is he the one?? Ehhh let's not get carried away lol. We've known each other for 6months and been together for 4 of them and I'm quite contented. 

But that's the beautiful thing. The whole while I was thinking I was meant to be alone and unhappy and basically always be a side chick. Things have changed and so has my outlook on what my purpose may be. Yeah the first purpose could've been it. But it doesn't mean we have to have just ONE SOLITARY PURPOSE to manifest our lives after. No. You can have more than one. They can coincide with the times or different events that take place in life. There's a reason why there are Jacks (& Jackies) of all trades. 

Kwanzaa | Ujamaa

"Cooperative Economics"

To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together 

I finally decided. That instead of waiting for that golden opportune moment to start working towards having my own business. I got to start somewhere. I did. It may not be a huge step. It even be the very beginning but guess what?? It's a start either way!! I'm proud of myself. I want to establish a business that benefits everyone not just me. I want to be that help that people wish was available. I want to be that extra push. That helping hand we need when we don't have that strong support system. I want people to know there's help. You don't have to be broke and shiftless looking for help. You can be you. Struggling and trying and doing your best everyday. That effort is suppose to be rewarded. It's suppose to be commended and recognized. 

I want to be that pat on the back that gives people the hope to keep on trying. 

Kwanzaa | Ujima

"Collective Work & Responsibility"

To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

I learned something really really important. Sometimes no matter how much we hate to admit it. Sometimes we are wrong and we have to accept responsibility for our actions. Yeah there are those moments where we can walk away from something and leave it up in the air and eventually it'll go away. But not everything can be conducted in the same manner. 

I have poor banking habits. And I know it. And mostly it comes from trying to make $5 into $50. It's not happening when your pay is that "$5" but bills are "$100" it's like a conspiracy. However I always felt if I ignored it long enough it'll go away. My mama would tell me to stop that as how that would impact my life later on. But like a lot of things she told me it never made sense or had little to no importance until my taxes were due and I don't have a way to write a check. I can't open another bank account for a while—or at least until I resolve my debts. What sucks is that I'm trying so hard but I feel like I keep getting knocked back a few spaces. 

But I realized that running away from my problems isn't going to solve anything. I decided for 2016 I want to try to face my financial problems head on and assume the responsibility that I fucked up and I need to fix this if I want to have a decent future. I can't assume that my problems will go away or written off. They'll be there waiting like karma to bite me in the ass. So I've decided to be a responsible adult (as much as I possibly can) and handle business like I'm suppose to. I may not like it and it may put me in a financial bind. But I don't want to be struggling or acting like a everyday broke hood rat either. I want change. But first before I can get the change I have to learn responsibility. 

Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia

"Self-Determination"

To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

There were moments during these last two years that I lost my focus on myself. I don't mean in a selfish way. I was so bent on being unified with as many people as possible. I fell off from my own individuality and lost focus on improving myself. 

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost a whole year who was everything I ever wanted. He was older, single—no kids or crazy exes, came from a good household, had a good job, his own house, car and was just fucking perfect. Like my god it was like where have you been all my life(?) type of thing. I will say in the beginning of our relationship things were blissful and filled with lust. I was happy. But it took a horrible turn for the worst unfortunately. And I found myself in a relationship I wasn't happy but was desperately holding on to even though I knew it had no chance of surviving or if it did it wouldn't grow into anything more than it already was. It was a weed more so than a blossom. But I delusionally thought that at some point it could be a blossom someday. 

We spent majority of the time in this off and on, break up to have make up sex while he half assed everything kind of relationship. It was until I thought I was possibly pregnant that this wasn't going to work. I had lost myself, forgotten how important it was to be good to myself, misunderstood his half ass caring for love and respect. I was hell bent on keeping what I wanted and pleasing society and those around me that I forgot how to be Bunny. I felt like LéSans all over again. Akin to whatever goes. Trying to make a catastrophe disaster a beautiful something. 

As I found out I wasn't pregnant. I sat there and thought. Here I am giving the very best of me to a man who can't even put me on the list of possible considerations. He didn't care about me like he said. He enjoyed the passing thought of me and what I had to offer. I wasn't that girl he wanted to marry and fall in love with every day for the rest of his life. I was that trophy wife that everyone would be pleased with and he would get the upmost recognition for. The whole while—he was no good for me. So I broke up with him. 

I was tired of being a passing thought. I was tired of being ignored and waved off. I was tired of being hinted as a burden. And I was especially tired of holding on and trying to make something work he wasn't willing to even meet me half way. When I broke up with him oh we battled for two months. He didn't want to end it. But I'm trying to figure out why we're continuing it. So when I decided to make changes in my life to make me happy. He wasn't happy with that. I got a new job, new attitude and dropped his sorry ass. I'm glad I did too. I wouldn't been able to meet my new guy, experience new things and become an even better woman. 

But then came another obstacle. I decided to get a roommate. Mostly because I was out of work and needed the extra income at the time. That was easier said than done. Between her telling me. She's moving soon and NOT PAYING RENT. She wanted to run up the utilities and leave a mess and basically be a complete slob. I had to force her to pay me rent. While she go on vacations and buy shit she wanted I'm struggling to keep the lights and shit on. But what's crazy is when I put her out finally. She felt it was ok to leave her stuff and store it at my house and come back for it when she got ready. I had to fight her to come get her shit. Which she didn't come get until a MONTH after she was evicted. Which was this month. But had the audacity to tell me she felt she didn't have to pay me rent or follow the rules in my house. Well then you don't need to be living here either. She wouldn't even sign a month to month lease. Even told me $300 and $400 was too much for rent (but wanted a place that was $790+ a month plus utilities and fees). No. You gotta go. I don care if our friendship is severed or no longer. I don't care. That was unfair to me. She's working two jobs and not pitching in and I'm here broke and hungry. And she don't understand why I'm angry. 

But I was so focused on her bullshit and nonsense that I let my bills get out of control. I was close to being homeless myself by not paying my taxes. So now I have to work 12hr shifts at my job just to break even and take care of myself. It wasn't fair. It's definitely not healthy. 

So even though I'm working on trying to find that unified compromise to coexist with others. I have to remember that my individuality matters too; I can't get lost in others and forget to continue to find and better myself. So for 2016 I want to continue working on my relationship with others but work on being determined for myself and becoming a better person than I was yesterday. 

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Kwanzaa | Umoja

"Unity"

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

I found out that sometimes you have to learn to have unity. For me being an old child and always having to do everything on my own or for myself is challenging within itself. 

At my old job I had to learn to have unity in order to work well with my customers. Sometimes having a support system is more that just a novelty. Those are the people that keep you up when your knees begin to buckle or give way due to life's hardships. However when you're stuck depending on yourself. You don't have a choice but to be strong and hold your own ground. No matter how many times you may buckle, waver or fall. Getting back up is your only choice. It's unfortunate that some people don't understand it. It's ok not too. Sometimes I have to wonder how I've been able to stand my own ground for so long. 

However having to depend on people and work along side people not only bode successful for ourselves individually but for the greater cause we were working for. Which was to have a successful customer service. 

But with that being said. That's also helped me get me where I'm at. It's ok to ask for help. That trust and bond that you build while asking for help creates the unity that we all need actually. I know if I hadn't learned that type of unified compromise I wouldn't be able to make my current relationship work either (yeah a lot has changed & happened lol). That unity that I strive for in my relationship is what was lacking in my last relationship not on my part either. 

Unity has taught me a lot in 2014 and 2015 and I'm glad it did! Because it's making me an even better person and I like it and I'm happy with the current outcome. It's ok to depend on people. It's also ok to help people too. You never know who will be there to help and support you. My mama always told me that and she's right. I hope to strive for that kind of unity and not only help people but be apart of a support system that can handle things head on without trembling or falling apart. 

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7th Avenue Blues

Hi kids!!

I know it's been like FOREVER since you last heard from me. But of course you know I've had tons of shit happen. My life stays more eventful than I'd like and it takes me a minute to keep up lol. 

Hmm. But now to figure out where to begin?? 

Well several months ago I was having issues with my job. Remember the cashiering job I had?? Yeah. I ended up getting garnished for student loans which suck ass. Regardless of what I did they felt justified to take $200 out of my pay per month. What sucked to be working full time 40 hours a week, hard labor and I'm left with less than a part time pay. Yeah it wasn't cool at all. What made it even worst my bills increased. I lost my food stamps and I was struggling hard and bad!! There was so much stress I had to do part time. I still got garnished but not as much and I ended up picking up odd jobs to make ends kinda sorta meet. 

So in June I made some adjustments to m schedule prior in May so I could be off so that I could work my second job as a server. My boss never honored my request and that's when I knew I had it. I up and quit my job. Not the best decision. And I would've like to have had another job secured before I left but that wasn't happening. They wanted to penalize me for missing work or fuck up my days off to suit everybody else. Like I cuss my boss out. Like she wanted to me like I was her worst worker but I'm like lady please. When one of your favorites don't show up you calling my fucking number. She had the nerve to tell me that I wouldn't find a job better than that one. I'm like fuck out of here!! I'll find a better job. One that'll give me my benefits and won't fuck with my paycheck either. 

So I was out of work for 2-3 weeks before I found my current job. It's further out but the pay is more. Scheduling is flexible and fixed. And I get as much overtime as I want. Hell I get paid to work my lunch and they feed me too! I sit on my ass and eat snacks all day. Lol. Doesn't get any better than that?? Plus I was getting $3 more. They work with me. Even when I need to go to my other two jobs. I'm contented with that. I'm not going to say I absolutely LOVE working for the electric company but it's beats a blank. Plus I've been able to get the bills paid down a lot quicker than I thought. And that makes me happy. So for now I want to keep this job as long as possible so I can go to another customer service job that'll be closer to home or pay me more. Personally I'm hoping for both. 

Hmm what else. Oh yeah. At moment I was in a relationship. Go figure. I think I've mentioned him before. 

I met him LAST October. Right before Halloween. I had just gotten off work and he's driving pass and waves and I waved back. He popped a U-turn in the middle of rush hour traffic to come sit at the bus stop and talk with me. It was probably the most perfect moment I've ever experienced. Then it got perfecter. He was working a good job. Had his own house, car, no kids, no crazy interfering exes. Motherfucker was perfect as hell. For a minute I was excited because I got exactly what I wanted but the messed up part about it was the fact that he was too much of what I wanted. The first few months we had were good but then it went down hill from there. He wouldn't return my calls or texts. He didn't want to spend time with me. Didn't want an actual relationship anymore but then again I wasn't allowed to be single either and that pissed me off. You don't want me but you also don't any anybody else to have me either and that was so fucked up to me. So we broke up for awhile. More like stopped talking to each other. 

Then after this 5month break. He decides to message me I guess due to loneliness. And we got back together and he was talking much shit. And like a dumb ass I believed him and believed things would change and possible become more concrete oppose to being so up in the air. Yeah. Not happening. It was like on and off of bullshit. He would get jealous when guys would approach me or talk to me on Facebook and I'm like why?? You don't wanna go out or give more than 5 minutes of attention. Then the sex got boring and predictable. He was the only one allowed to have an orgasm. I felt abused and misused. I was being taken for granted and I wasn't ok with that. Though he felt otherwise. So after 11 long months of off and on. I finally told him how I felt and broke up with him. Can't you believe that the motherfucker had the nerve to ignore what I said and just basically tell me he's coming over to my house. Wanted to tell me how he moved closer to where I live to be with me. It's like he wasn't that far away any wanted to tell me that he couldn't come and see me because I lived too far away but he couldn't drive to a place that was 14hrs away. I was only 30minutes away from him. He was a lunatic. I don't regret meeting him and I'm happy I did. He created a situation that I vowed would never happen. But I learned something though. While I was making him a better man for the next girl whoever she maybe. He made me a better woman for the next man. Little did I know it or not. But the lesson that hit home the most was the fact that even though he was exactly what I WANTED. He wasn't what I needed. And I thought about that long and hard. Like you're what I want and I was tryin so hard to make it work but he was soo soo SO BAD for me. And holding on to him and the relationship wasn't going to change anything or make anything better. Had to let it go. 

Believe or not I met someone else. Lol. I like him lots. I think I'm so infatuated with him because he didn't treat me like another piece of ass. He wanted to be friends and I was ok with that. He's a complete goofball and I don't feel uncomfortable with him. We can hang out and just enjoy each other's company. I like that a lot. What makes it even more ironic is the fact that he's not perfect. He's not what I want or that who "your type" he is so flawed in so many ways but I like it lol. Plus he's been making me happy in such a way that even my roommate thinks he's my boyfriend and we're not even there yet. And who would've ever thought I'd meet him at work?? Lmao! He even trained me for my job. Probably not the best secenario but hey shit happens right?? And I can't wait to see what happens. Plus I love fooling around with him during lunch hahaha. It's not often so no guys we aren't doing the ultimate porno at work scene. Hell he even told me no when I asked for sex. That makes me mad but appreciative because he's being considerate of me and apparently wants more than that. Even told me so lol. And I'm actually ok with it. 

Oh yeah I have a roommate too. For a minute she was a pain in my ass. But it's like fine. It's half ass working now lol. I'm wondering how long that's actually gonna last. I'm hoping not for long. I be trying to have some adult time with the new Bae lol. 

But other than those juicy tidbits life is pretty good. I love my new friends who are like my paradise! I guess I must say I'm happy to have a somewhat normal period to. Even though it's been cramping my style like crazy for this entire month. But that last pregnancy scare was not something I was ready for. I need to think long hard and on the toilet before considering even making the slightest passing thought about getting pregnant. Maybe. I dunno my new guy got me doing things I wouldn't normally do too. 

We'll see what happens in due time. I'll try to keep you guys and dolls posted. Plus I have plenty of things else to still talk about too!! 

I love you heaps!!

How Men Feel About Women

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I Am NOT Dehydrated

You know. Honestly after this week I've fucking had it with men. They're so fucking retarded anymore it's not even funny. 

I'm tired of men assuming I'm "Thirsty" for attention. Dude no I'm not. I don't have a need for a dude and I'm so far from interested you got me so fucked up you need to go back to school and learn some shit. I don't care what it is! Learn something. 

Between the attitude of these wannabe aggressive men to the tons (and I do mean tons) of dick pics and cumshot pics. To even the attitude when I say I'm not interested. Like dude why would I be? You refer to every female as a thot, a bitch, a whore, she's thirsty, and disrespect her like she has to accept your dick. You have tons of kids by several different women and probably one on the way. You're selfish, rude, inconsiderate and have no manners or etiquette of whatsoever. But then get mad because I don't take you seriously?? Why should I?? You're already marketing yourself off as a top class clown. Why would I take you seriously?? 

I'm just tired of the extra crap. Like my plate is already full with stress with trying pay bills and get a better life for myself and hopefully invest in a better future. It doesn't require I take on a man and his luggage. Look I know we all come with baggage and I'm cool with that. But some of these dudes out here need to be at the airport, they have professionals working in that luggage claim game and are far more better at it than I. 

No I don't want a dude who has kids. I'm competing in a competition for his love and affection when I'm going to be the loser by default. He may not be a daddy to his kids. But I'll always be a second priority up against his kids. Plus I don't wanna compete with an ex or baby's mother. Like no. Keep that Brady Bunch Circus bullshit over there with you. I'm not interested in applying not even watching the show. Then this whole selfishness is crazy! You gotta have sex with him when he wants, gotta go out when he wants, gotta go piss when he wants, gotta go to work when he wants, keeps his money, doesn't want to help pay bills or for dates or even buy you a $1 store trinket. WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR?? You're selfish ass needs to be at home with your momma!! She the only who's gonna tolerate that dumb shit. Unless it's a stupid female. I may be blonde but I'm far from being stupid. Like they're stuck in this child thought process where a woman has to take care of them for the rest of their lives. Yes I understand that's how you grew up. But don't claim the man role if you're not going to be a man. The man is the provider, protector and the head of the family. But when you forsake those things then you're not a man you're fucking little ass kid. A grown one that needs a serious adjustment as soon as possible. 

However there are men who got their heads on straight and want to be that man. But they've married the wrong women, they're gay......or lately what I've encountered they're fucking confused. These are the men who have no kids, no crazy exes, has a decent job, own house (no apartment), own car and is like dreamboat of all sexual fantasies. However he's also the one who'll string you along, never text back, is always busy, or always has some lame excuse, he's just down right weird. Some are even grieving an ex, others are looking for greener pastures (like that'll ever happen) or sitting somewhere sulking and whining about being lonely and single. Like what besides killing myself for your attention should I hop in front of a moving bus while singing zippity-do-dah?? I feel that way with my current boo. After not talking to him (on his own accords) from December. He pops the hell up outta nowhere a week or two before my birthday last month and acts like nothing has happen. Or like those 4ish months were like two days or something. And I haven't seen him since my birthday. Last I talked to him he was angry because I was ranting about being hit on by guys and I don't know if he felt jealous or like e was in competition or what. Before that he was too busy to text me. But was blowing me the hell up when I was busy. You see that?? I shan't bother you whilst you're busy but fuck when I'm busy I better pick up the phone and be available right then and there for sex. Like get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. 

I'm tired of having the same result. You meet a guy, they all ask me the same dumb ass questions. 

•You married?? Gotta Boyfriend?? Or What??

•You got kids??

•Who/where you stay with/at?? 

Then it's like BAM—here's several selfies of my dick. I wanna fuck your raw and lick your toes and all this weird shit. 

Then when I voice I'm not interested. I've apparently wasted his time and how I'll regret it later because I'm losing out on the best opportunity that would ever bless me in my life EVER. Um, no. I think I'll be alright. I'm not looking for anyone. For the record hot pants you approached me. I had no interest from the get go just by looking at the dumb shit you post on your page and the vulgarity that comes out of your mouth. Plus you sporting your kids like they're accessories is a major turn off. Don't let some wild ass thot come outta nowhere and try to intimidate you on some dumb shit because she thinks you want her #MCM. Like bitch no, don't nobody want him but you. Hell he needs a Nobel peace prize for giving you a time of day!! 

This whole presumption of me being desperate for a man or giving off mixed singnals is crazy. Like please! I'm honest. It might be brutal, but I keep it 100. If I say I'm not interested from the get go don't get mad, be appreciative I didn't waste yours or mine time. I had a dude do that to me last year. For whole ass season dude had me thinking we were gonna hook up and be something. Then he dropped the dumbest shit I ever heard in my life. Saying he couldn't be with me because I've had previous sexual partners and that was going to mess up his relationship with his daughter (whom he rarely saw anyway and lived at least 15hours away). Like what?? Here I am falling in love with you, ready to pack my crap and move closer to you and start something. And he drops that shit in my lap, unfriended me and delete my number. Yet I happen upon his Facebook and he wrote this status about he likes this girl and wishes she'd move closer to him and how he doesn't wanna be single and all this shit (the same shit he said to me) well she ended up dissing his ass he tried to play it off. But here I am willing to do that and you tell me I'm not good enough. 

I think that's why I don't want a relationship. When you invest time into someone it's hard to move on to someone else. It's like going back to school to be tormented all over again. Or having to replace your order at a fast food joint because someone else fucked up. So I spend 4 or 6 months basically auditioning to be a girlfriend and I never get the chance because you've already assumed that there's someone else better than me or you believe there IS some else better than me. But you wanna fuck up my world and then kick me to the curb but as soon as I pick up all my pieces and glue myself back together here you come again to fuck it up all over again. It's like why?? You know you have no interest in investing a future with me or see me being more than just one of your part time fuck buddies. Like why, though?? But then if I see through your bullshit earlier on then you're mad at me because I'm not going to stand for it. No I'm not giving you my number, you're not gonna be stalking me or phone sexing me every time you get a chance or sending me pics of your dick. No I'm not telling you where I live so you can dew drop in when you feel like it. No I'm not going to allow you to make an assumption of me and not stand up for myself. And no I don't wanna hear how you think your different from all the other guys in the world yet your on that same fuck boy bullshit. 

No. 

I honestly would rather be single for my entire life span than to constantly allow men to come into my life and break me down until I'm useless, nothing and irreparable. No. I'm sorry. I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. I care too much about myself to allow that to happen. 

So in other words. No I'm not "thirsty" and I never will be. And if you're gonna assume anything.....assume I'm a lesbian. Just leave me be. My time is precious to me and I won't be wasting it anymore. 

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Happy Mothers Day!

I just wanted to wish all the ladies out there a happy Mother's Day and I hope you enjoy it to the fullest. I hope the men out there have a happy Mother's Day as well. 

You only get one mom so love her to death. 

May the 4th Be With You

#PiercedAndProud

Just Before 30

I've found that reaching 30 in these next couple of years (literally) that people just automatically assumes things. Even more so than usual. 

So I thought I throw those misconceptions of single women approaching the BIG 3-0 and how society views us and forces us to adapt to an old tradionalism that is obsolete in living in the 22nd Century (yes I said 22nd century lol).

 

 

Don't ask me if I have kids and then rebound that with a "well when are you gonna have kids?" To a "you better hurry up you're not getting any younger!" Followed by a "you never know you might meet prince charming next week and have tons of kids soon" just no, just stop. 

Even though im (going to be) 28, I know I dont want kids. I wont say like all the other women that im not motherly enough or it never struck my fancy. I mean c'mon it was my dream at one time to be a mommy. But just like dreams changes, so do wants and desires. Compared to 18 year old me to now.....no I don't want kids. I've made up my mind and I know for sure I don't want kids. Its not based on things like age career or anything like that. I knew long time ago that I didn't want to start a family in my 30s (much less 40s). I didn't want to be like my parents. The were wonderful parents dont get me wrong, however when I came along they were old, boring, less active and strict and demanding. The older the they got the less they became able to do. Hell look at my situation now. I haven't had parents in two years. I still got many years to go without parents. A lot of people don't understand that has an affect to it all. Growing up it would suck because I didn't have a grandpa to bring into school or my grandma was too sick. I couldn't celebrate siblings day because I was an only child. All my cousins were old enough to be my parents. It sucked ass going to school. While everyone else's mom was teenie boppers or in their twenties and grandparents in their 40s. Here's my parents in their 50s on walkers and needing several naps just to function. I knew then I never wanted to go through that with my kids. Yeah living your own life is great and all but you can't be selfish and expect things to fall into place. I rather be old and experience new things, than to experience everything but can't really enjoy the older years to come. 

But since I've been adult and been thrusted into the new millenia dating scene. I can't see myself being the mother to a lousy man's children. And men are lousy. Say what you want. But there is no more dating or courting or getting to know someone. Its all about let me fuck you while you fuck me and we fuck each other until we're tired and move on to the next fucker. After awhile that gets old, plus there's diseases and pregnancy happens too. Things I dont want any part of. And why would I. I already dont like temporary happiness why would I want to be fucked over literally and left all the time?? With that being said I dont want to be a baby's mama. Unlike what people think, not every situation is meant to be good. No matter how positive or how much hope we have--if its not meant to be then its not. I dont want to be in a situation where im doing everything for a baby. I wont have a mom to babysit or a dad to pick snookums up from daycare, I wont have a sister or brother to help me out. I'd be doing it all. Honestly that's way too much and that would frustrate the fuck out of me. Knowing that can't take care of my baby to the fullest and having no support system makes its worst, but being stuck with a man who isn't all that interested in responsibility that would be pure hell. And im not putting myself into that situation. I dont want to be in that situation. Hell it was about to end up like that when I first got pregnant and I was shocked then. Now I would be mad as hell. So no I don't want kids. I wont change my mind. 

 

 

On to the next.... Marriage. I'm tired of hearing people telling me I need to get married. How any guy would be happy to be with me. No. Just no, just stop. If that was truly the case I wouldn't be single. I wouldn't have to deal with shitty ass dudes or have my heart ripped out, chewed up, spit out, stepped on and set on fire. But its not so much out of the loneliness crap. Since majority people believe that if you're single you're lonely as hell and desperate and depressed and longing for human contact. No we all aren't. But its this insulting assumption that I can't be a proper human being nor can I be considered a woman unless im married to a man. Being married isn't all its cracked up to be. It doesn't mean he'll take care of me or even provide for me. I still maybe on my own in a lot of things. I also don't want to be married. The thought of divorce disturbs me. I know it happens and can and even will happen. But why get married if you're gon a decide that one point many days, weeks, months or years that you don't want that person. No you knew that all along and was just entertaining yourself but wasting their time. Either way its not good. And since I know with my being bisexual having to pretend to be straight would bother me. I wouldn't want to limit myself to one person not saying I'll cheat, but I may want to have long term relationship with guy and I may even want to have one with a girl too. I just don't want marriage to be an issue. I dont want to be left, especially by someone who's indecisive. I rather be single or shack up maybe. Not everyone is desperate to be married before or after 30. Someone of us have set limits. We all don't want to be that one aunt waiting to get married and never do. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and accept that we're meant to be cat owners or dogs or fish or whatever lol. I function better as a cat lady. 

 

 

Just because a woman is single we're not all trying to be Carrie Bradshaw. We all don't live in New York, we all don't work a fabulous job and don't have more shoes than closet space. We definitely can't afford to travel either. I know working minimum wage I can barely pay for bills let along going out to have a drink or two or going on vacation somewhere. Priorities come into play, if you live alone like I do you know what I mean. For me there's no one to wake me up or do stuff for me. I have to do everything at my home, from paying bills to getting the trash out on time to even fighting off bugs, raccoons and rats. I have to do it all, because no ones gonna do it for me. My family has made that very clear. And most men that I do encounter even make that clear. Just because I own a house doesn't mean I wanted to do so. I rather be in an apartment, honestly. I took over my parents house because I didn't want to be homeless anymore or looking for a place for me and my cat to sleep at night. Was I making the best decision then?? Yeah I think so. Do I still think I made the best decision?? Not really. Its expensive to care for the house. Since its just me and I basically work every damn day, tending to home becomes more of an issue and chore for me. I know I can't do it by myself. But I also know I don't want someone in my home who doesn't know how to appreciate my situation either. So I've got to make it work. Which means busting my ass at my job or getting two jobs and not having time for "fun" because I got priorities. That's what adult life is really like. Its hard and difficult and there isn't always a cheat code. 

 

For record, we all don't love cooking. We all aren't trying to be the best chefs to impress some man. Some days I'm like fuck cooking, and I have chips, ice cream and soda for dinner. Its just me and since meals for one are tv dinners which are gross, making a meal GC means I have to be stuck with it for a week or two. In most cases majority of my meals are repeats because I want to cook something I know ill eat. Even though that gets old and I run out of foods to get excited about.  Its better than cooking meatloaf (as suggested by the aunties). I hate meatloaf and will never eat that unless i have to. I dont even wanna make it. It's gross to me. I have done different things that makes cooking more enjoyable but bottom line is I can't stand cooking. Its a pain in my ass. 

 

Next, please dont off your advice on our lives. We all are given our own and go about handling things our own way. If you don't like it,then tough cookie. Its not your say to tell us we need to find a man (or a woman) or how we need to pop out kids or tell us how our finances are the greatest because we dont have kids. We dont need that. We dont need to be re-raised and given messed up advice. Yes it is messed up. You're giving your outlook on the situation while being outside. If you were inside dealing with it you probably would do something completely different. A lot of people told me I shouldn't cut my hours at work. But im also tired of being garnished and working 80hours and only getting $400. And out of the $800 I get a month. I need $100 in transportation. My utilities come out to $450, cable is $150, my cell phone bill was $200, then I still have to purchase food for me and the pets which comes to $300 at least. I've already exceeded what make. But if I wasnt garnished I'd have an extra $200 each month. So even in the event of cutting back, I dont catch a ride home I walk, i cut my cellphone bill and even started shopping at the dollar store for food. But then also there are those random things that come up like taxes, refuge and renewal of my drivers license that you don't plan for that comes up. My taxes all together is about $1400 that's for the year. Unfortunately I didn't pay my school taxes because I was out of work and $700 right on the spot I a lot and I was out of work too. So now I have to figure out where to get $1700 from to pay for that. Then there are home expenses like my leaking roof that also needs to be tended to. Quite honestly its very overwhelming to handle all on your own believe me. So just because we dont have kids or a spouse to tend to doesn't mean we have it easier. Especially if you haven't live on your own for years or so. We can do without the lecturing. 

 

Honestly, I feel im in a better place heading into my 30s. It may not be where I wanted to be or expect to be. But im contented. Really, I'm excited to see 32 for some reason. I can't remember why exactly but I can't wait to find out why it was so special to me at one time. 

 

 

That's A Misconception

I think what's wrong in today's world is the fact that people don't have any regards to their fellow man or woman. They've turned into selfish people the whole while hoping that they get that neighborly love from others but in the mean time they treat you like shit. 

 

That seems to happen a lot in the work place and I don't understand that. Like don't expect an employee to be ok with staying at the bottom of the totem pole their entire life or when you no longer have use for them. My job is a prime example. 

Though I love working there besides the hard labor. I enjoy the people I work with and feel very comfortable. However I dont like just working minimum wage and being forced to stay there. Like im not trying to aim for management. But I do want something more. I dont like that my managers are petty. I dont like that the pay sucks. I dont like having to do 5 jobs but only get a paycheck for one job. Most places dont offer health insurance or raises or even promotions. My job does but it takes forever. What I especially dont like is the fact that there are people at my job who bust ass everyday and do great but it goes unrecognized and the admiration goes to the one kid who not only calls off or never shows but has an bad attitude and is either eventually going to quit or get fired. That's wrong. Or they fire the wrong people for the pettiest of reasons and that's just plain sad. 

 

However we as a people have evolved. We dont care as much if we get fired or lose a job. Well look for another one and in most cases we have a side hustle to make up for what the job lacks. But in this day and age you have to. One job wont cut it. Two doesn't even cut it. But things are costly and while those things are going up. The pay is going down but they expect you to survive without any assistance or handouts or help. But it doesn't work. It makes it hard for us to plan ahead for the future. 

But its like society has this thing where they want us to succeed but not pass a certain point. If we get too close to going over that point or make it over. There's always some wild ass disaster that happens. Whether its losing a job, garnishments, backed taxes or something that's so far out of our control that we can change or alter it at all. Its cruel and unusual behavior to be honest. But it seems the way life is set up. Maybe its a population control technique or a way to make sure the rich stay rich. Because there isn't any more middle class. There's poverty, poor and rich. No in between. Hell poverty is like two inches under poor. So to me its one in the same but to society its not. 

 

I'm surprised that in this day and age that the need for survival has become a controlled side show of the fittest but yet its still fixed and in the end you may never win or succeed or get out of a vicious circle you're being forced to participate in. Its ultimately sad really.

2B or Not 2B; The Life Of Singledom Is Pure Tragedy

Hi kids,

I know it's been awhile since you've last heard from me. Between dealing with work and the everyday pressures of being single. I swear I'd kill for a vacation from it all and to just be relieved for a moment you know??

But I decided to write this because several things have been irking me the last few weeks or so. To the point, I'm beyond frustrated. Like i'm at my wits end as to what to do to fix my life even to a more positive standing than where it is now.

Lately it seems like I've been getting more suitors than I can handle. Some are just weirdos expecting me to get super excited and lover-lusted just by them saying 'HI' to me. Which it don't work that way. I know that works for some of the whores of today but it doesn't work for everyone. But besides the jerks who sends me pictures of their cocks in my inbox like it's going out of style. I had one guy who's almost 20years my senior and is basically telling me that we're getting married and having kids. At first I humored him but then eventually told him I wasn't interested and wasn't attracted to him like that. Plus between the weird things like saying God told him to tell me that me and him are getting married, how I'll be the bestest stepmother to his 3 kids (one of which is a few years younger than me) as well as a good step-grandmother to his grandchildren, then how he wanted to cook and eat my pets...... Yeah I know right??

After that, I got fed up. I kept getting all these wild ass guys who basically telling me I don't have a choice or how I have to choose them or in some case GO TO WHERE THEY LIVE and be with them. No. I'm definitely not doing that, not only am I NOT looking for a man. I definitely don't need another one telling me I don't have a choice when it comes to picking a somewhat suitable mate. I rather not be bothered. Not that I'm super man hater, but why do I want to waste my time with a guy who can't even be understanding that I work and don't have time to fool around or have "fun" like he does?? One guy got mad because I don't know what time I get home in the evenings. Well it's rarely the same time. No I don't know because it doesn't matter in most cases when I finally get home I'm not leaving or going anywhere until the next morning if I work. But the funny thing with him, he can't talk to me past 9pm but he wants to come over to my house around 9pm to "hang out" with me. Lately they've all been telling me what I need and how they can give me this world of happiness and great sex. I'm like dude no. What I need is my bills paid, and my house fixed up to a better condition it is now. Your probably lousy sex and bullshit laced happiness isn't going to cut it for me. But yet I'm the bad guy or I'm wrong for not giving guys a chance. But I'm confused I'm not out there looking a dude. I don't have a need for one in my life. Shit I can't even make some arrangements to find a temporary space for one. And I'm definitely not going from dude to dude to keep that blissful lust ongoing. Don't have time for that. I'm not interested.

One thing that's really pissed me off is these dudes inviting themselves over for dinner. I can barely support myself and buy food for myself. Why am I going to cook and have you waste food?? If you haven't brought groceries then I'm not cooking for you or feeding you. I just think that's so rude for a guy to do that. Don't assume you're going to get a free meal off of someone. Yes it's nice to know if someone can cook or not. But you can't base a decision off of one ideal or good trait. That's like me being happy with a man who works, but doesn't provide or share expenses. I cook because I have to, not because I want to be this awesome chef and provide these awesome meals for a man later down the road. No I cook as a way of survival. No I'm not sharing because in most cases I had to fight to get my food stamps, struggle to get to the grocery store and struggle to get those groceries home and then struggle to make something that'll last me for days or even a week or two. Like get the hell out of here with that nonsense. I'm not your mom and I don't have to prove to you if I'm a good care giver or not especially if you aren't my husband, my child or my main squeeze. But lately men have gotten unbelievably rude.

Which then leads us to the whole why society seems to find it hard that I'm single. So many men would be happy to have me and how pretty I am and how I'm a hard worker. When I say I dunno or how I'm not interested then I have to get lectured on how I can't be a functioning human being without a man whose shadow I can gracefully walk in. It's like no that's ok I don't need a man. Then comes the whole well how are you planning on having kids ordeal. I'm not, I don't want kids. I don't want to be in the position where I would end up a single mother. Then comes you don't know that you might meet Prince Charming and he'll be ever so happy to have you nonsense. I'm like look with the way I attract the lousiest of guys, I doubt that'll happen. I'll be damned if I'mma be on my own raising a kid and doing and being everywhere without any help of whatsoever. Yeah that's a road I want to avoid at all costs. I don't want my own family, It's more of a burden to me now than it being a luxury when I was younger and wanted the husband and house full of kids.

But what's ironic, I remember years ago men wouldn't want nothing to do with a girl if she wasn't working or didn't have her own place. Now that I have those things, they act like I'm too independent and I need to turn it down several notches. But why? Why do I need to be dependent?? Especially on someone whom I'm not totally sure will be there for me when I really need them. I think that's why I'm so comfortable living and being on my own.

Yeah being a Singleton and living alone has it's perks and you can do what you want when you want and with whom and whatever else your little heart desires. But there are moments where I'll admit it's really fucked up to be on your own. Especially for those of you like me who were an only child, parents are gone or decease, family is just people you know of--literally, and the only friends you have either live too far away or are busy with their own goings on. So yeah most people paint this ideal apartment life and how cafes and corner stores and bookstores embrace this cute apartment you live in and how you can wave your arm or snap your fingers and the golden taxi takes you wherever you need to go. Unfortunately that's not the case for some people.

I decided to live on my own because I didn't like living with other people, the crazed rules. Being home for dinner at a certain time, curfew, laundry day, no pets allowed, you can't do this and you can't do that. OH MY GAWD I'm damn near 30 and here I am being treated like a 13 year old. I couldn't stand it. Taking on a house by yourself is a lot different from apartment life. I had faith I could it on my own but I realize now (two years later) that I can't do it all by myself. I tried getting a roommate but after having the tenants destroy my house that is a no go for me. But bills are costlier. Hell my electric bill is more than my paycheck in a two week period! All my bills were extremely high this year and that was with costs going up. With me being garnished at work for my student loans, not only do I have a smaller paycheck, but trying to divide a little over $800 a month over everything that costs $200 each. I can't do it. I've lost my mind trying to make this work for the last 3 months and it's not working. I'm tired of busting my ass 40 hours each week and bringing home less than part time pay. If I miss a day of work I'm screwed. So I'm at this dead end like what the fuck am I suppose to do?? I have no one to depend upon--no one. Trust me it's no picnic. I've been trying to get home from government programs but since I'm not a single MOM, and I'm not a BUM by choice so I cant get any type of help of whatsoever.

It's like I've entered the ugliest nightmare ever and people keep telling me the only way out is hard work, determination and faith. But it seems when I do all those things I keep getting dragged back into the darkness. I'm ready to sell the house and wing it. I'm just tired I guess. Tired of everything being weighed in on me. I don't have the option to have someone to depend upon or to make phone calls or to handle business when I can barely function with everyday life due to overworking myself. I don't have someone to call when my bills get behind or I'm struggling to buy food. I'm on my own, for everything, for anything.....forever.

Here I sit with a jacked up knee. I fell on sunday and scraped my knee really bad. Also scraped up my hand and my toe and even sprained my ankle too. No matter how many calls I made to clinics today to see if someone would see me, I got turned down. The better clinics are too far to walk with my messed up knee. That's the messed up part about living utterly alone. It's all fine and dandy until you get sick or need some serious help. But i knew that ahead of time when I decided I would pursue life on my own.  I just assumed that I could handle it all, not because I felt like some goddess or super woman. I was comparing it to my single life I had in college. While college wasn't super efficient, it was a more attainable lifestyle. The grocery stores were around the corner or a taxi ride away. In some cases we were spoiled to have a cleaning crew come and clean the rooms and bathroom and so on and so forth. And bills that occurred every month was nothing more than a cellphone bill. It was highly different. I've noticed with trying to figure out what the hell was wrong in the world currently. It began to make sense when I finally researched it. Majority of singletons my age are in apartments and if shit hits the fan they call on their support system to dig them out of the hole or prevent them from drowning. Me I don't have that. If I fuck up with my bills even for a month I'm screwed. Now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my property and school taxes, if I'll have enough money to renew my license. But what worries me the most if I should happen get deathly ill or god forbid die, who's going to think to even try to see if I'm ok or not. I'm prepared with the thought that it could happen, but it would suck that months after I've died and my cats too probably and someone's like OH HEY IS YOU OK OR NAH?? Most people that call in to "check in on me" basically call me like I got all the resourses in the world. They tell me they saw a car on sale for $5000 out in some godforsaken land that they happen to drive by (but can't come get me to see it or get it if I had the money because that's not their problem) or how I should do this or do this or go here, there and everywhere like I have a car to get to this places and majority of the buses once you get off the bus line you need to be ok with walking 15 minutes or more to the next location. Or they wanna tell me if you do this with you bills or get a roommate or get a better job or jump over the moon backwards while counting the alphabet in pig latin. But when I ask well can you help me out, then I have to hear all the excuses of how they cant or won't but have enough audacity to brag to me about all the people they've helped like they're the saints of all saints.

Things like that pisses me off, you have so much say in everything I do but won't help out at all. But then throw it in my face like you wanted to live alone and be an adult so figure it out on your own, but if you get a man then it wouldn't be a problem. Like he's gonna help me out seriously?? Yeah, there's a reason I decided to live on my own, I learned that people are so damn unreliable and I end up doing stuff on my own regardless. Of course after I struggle to get through the task at hand, I always get that oh you should've called me I would've helped you out. Yeah, sure you would. 

Bottom line, being and livin single is remarkable. You learn a lot and grow up real fast and fine out what's more important in life and to you and to your personal well being. However if you have a terrible or no support system, then the entire burden is upon your shoulders and you fuck and trip or waver, you will be crushed by all that you're carrying. Then you'll know how it truly feels to be alone. Honestly if you can't handle that, then you're best living with someone. Otherwise if  you can handle it, be prepared to turn into a cold heartless, evil ass bitch/bastard. 

STDs vs. States

I came across this while on Facebook last year (yeah I always do my homework ahead of time lol). I found it to be very interesting.

This article talk about the top 10 states that are the worst places to get a STD! Honestly it came as a surprise to me because some of those places I would've never thought would be in this list. Check it out:

Worst States for STDS (source)

1. Louisiana 
2. Mississippi
3. Georgia 
4. Alabama 
5. South Carolina 
6. Arkansas 
7. Illinois 
8. Texas 
9. New York 
10. North Carolina

But then I wonder well what exactly are the best states for STDs. What's meant by that is what states are better to NOT catch or has a LOW RISK of STDs. I searched until I found a list. Check out the best states:

Best States for STDs (source)

1. West Virginia 
2. Maine 
3. Vermont 
4. Utah 
5. Wyoming 
6. Montana 
7. Idaho 
8. New Hampshire 
9. Nebraska 
10. Minnesota

Now if you're in a state like mine who isn't listed. It makes you wonder where you're state lies in this STD chaos, right?? Well I went on another search to find out where the other 28 states stood in this worst and best case scenario of STDs. So I came across this article on NerdWallet and it gives the full list of all of the 48 states and where they rank in STDs. My state came in 21st, which in one since I'm shocked, as many people here bank on sex and do so unsafely there's no way it's in the middle. But all things are baffling. Want to know where your state ranks?? Check out Common Types of STDs: Statistics by State. Now please be aware that these statistics are for 2014 and things may be different. But it's still informative either way.

However I do think we all need to grow up and learn to protect ourselves and not play with STDs. It's as equally big and damaging as an unplanned pregnancy. Whether you know it or not, people will judge and base your sexual relationships and the diseases you caught in the process to heart. Heck I had a guy turn me down because of it, but unlike everyone else I don't make it apart of my life to catch it em, I don't want to be the Pokemon master of STDs. Neither should you.

So please use a condom, get to know the person at least a week before you sleep with them.You wouldn't give some stranger your bank account, social security number and other personal information. You need to treat your penis/vagina the same way.

For The Love Of Condoms

Post by Madison Hinton.

Happy Condom Week 2015!!

First let me say Happy Belated Valentine's to all my love bunnies out there. If you're single like me, then I hope you had a wonderful Saturday unless you got caught in the snow storm like I did. Then it's only as good as it gets right?? lol.

Anyway, Happy Condom Week!!! This year, I am going to do the same old same old with facts and condom jokes and whatnots. However this year I decided to do something a little different. Because I've noticed a lot of posts over the last several months on sex and love and unplanned pregnancies. But then I noticed this one article I read about a young preteen who had gotten pregnant before HIGH SCHOOL and she said one thing she wish for was to have been properly educated on sex.

What's funny, it's true. We aren't properly educated on sex and it's like grown ups can't properly verbalize about sex. However with that happening we are kinda left in the dark and go about it through trial and error which in itself isn't good and that's how those mistakes happen. So this year, I decided to take the initiative and be the mom that everyone hates because I say how I feel without giving a damn. Because everyone has the right to know about sex and at least be properly educated on it and not go about it blindly in the dark you know??? (what if you miss the hole? lol)

So since I didn't have much time to plan this all out, we're going to be winging it lol. Nothing out of the unusual right?? I'll try to keep this as entertaining as possible and educational. So sit back and enjoy this awesome week!!

Car Buying

This is a quickie since I have to get up early and work tomorrow :p I got spoiled not having to work weekends now I'm back working weekends and it sucks ass lol

Anyway, since I lost my super duper minivan back in June, I've been bussing it or walking it out all over Pittsburgh, which sucks because the town I live in has little to nothing available. Hell our grocery store opens late in the morning and closes early as hell so it doesn't give me much when shopping. The small stores like CVS and Walgreens don't have everything I need. Then trying to make a HUGE shopping trip whilst walking majority of the way and waiting for a lame ass bus is like torture within torture. So I decided I wanted to get a car as fast as possible and something reliable that'll get me to and from work and to the grocery store and maybe an outing every now and then. Plus I would like to get back to jitneying and if possible pick up a second job maybe.

Well today I had an appointment at the CarHop which always boasts about how fast they'll get you into a car and how easy it is and how there's little to no paperwork. Not only did I have to wait an extra 10mins from my 10:15am appointment today, but that quick 15-20minutes process quickly turned into a 1 hour and a half process and it made me late for work too on top of that. But half the shit I had to go through was ridiculous!! I know why it's needed and I get it but honestly all of that could've been avoided if the man I talked to on the phone told me I'd be there over an hour or so and that I would need additional paperwork and 12 references and be willing to pay for a $350+ bill every month too which I thought was a bit much for a used car lot. Like who the fuck want's to pay $400 for a car that has THOUSANDS of miles on it???

So I realized something today, sometimes if it sounds too good to be true.....usually it is or it comes with a lot of extra bullshit that for some reason needs to be kept secret until later. Like I get that some information isn't necessary until the opportune moment comes, but if you know that I'll need references or my W2 or several paystubs then that's something you need to tell me no one wants to keep making several trips for no reason.

Regardless, I'm still going to look for a car because I want and need one. I'm tired of depending upon people who are suppose to be reliable but they're fucking like ghosts whenever you call their ass for a ride or a favor. I do got one who's cool peeps and I love her to death for helping me out. She even offers, like and she shouldn't have to when I got a broke ass lazy ass unemployed ass cousin that could be helping me but he wants to do it when he feels like it or when his chick won't give him any money. Like nigga please!!

But whatevs. I have faith that one day I'll get a little ride and be able to upgrade myself into a better situation. Until then, I'll keep on walking and catching the bus.

c'est le vie--

Fruit Punch.....[Literally]

Hi guys and dolls!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I fucking missed you guys and I really mean that!

I didn't want you all to think I forgot about you or I moved on and decided to get rid of the blog. No no honey bunnies.

Last you heard from me, I was probably in dire need (and I'm too lazy to go see what it was lol) so we'll recap back to this time last year when I got a job working at a school bus company. around the end of February 2014. Honestly I was really happy and excited because I had been applying to places and wasn't getting much luck. I mean, who would've thunk droppin out of college and taking care of my sick mother before she died would actually do more harm than good. I'm feelin like Mother Theresa over here and society is like OMG you're a total bum fuck loser no we won't hire you, you irresponsible crayon eater! So getting that job made me happy......but not for long.

Whilst I was getting paid the big bucks and I was happy and giddy, brought some furniture for my livingroom things were looking up. Until they started fucking with my check and treating me worst than a step child and then I found out this wasn't for me. They made me do training for a school bus driver but then had the nerve to make me a monitor, but not pay me monitor wages and I'm like I didn't bust my ass for two weeks without pay to be a monitor that's crazy. The horror stories I got from working there makes me not want to send my kids on the yellow safety bus of doom....AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!! But after all was said and done they fired me after my birthday but didn't tell me I was fired until the following week. But I didn't care the job was stressful and my wages had start going down too and that wasn't cool. And to top it off I was getting laid off for three months and couldn't collect unemployment and yeah so I was screwed either way you looked at that situation.

So being unemployed didn't help much, not only did I lose my car (even though I got a good deal for it), I couldn't find a job, I was broke and I felt like I was going to end up homeless all over again. Hell I even tried to be a sugar baby. There are like no sugar daddies here smh. But I had faith that it would work out, I took in boarders, I sold some stuff and hussled as much as I could to get the money I needed to mostly take care of my pets and the house. There were moments were I felt things wouldn't straighten out and it was quite frustrating but I held on to the faith that it would work out.

Thus, I got a new job, at the end of July. I work as a cashier at a place that I respectfully call "The Depot" lol. It's full of nuts, that includes my coworkers, the customers and the random people I see through out the day. Now believe it or not this job is sure enough hard labor. I wear steel toed boots, a back brace too so I can lift up the 50lbs of food all day long. I was fucking exhausted my first week or so. But look at me now I've been there for 6months and been doing a good job. Honestly out of all my jobs I've had, I actually love working there. Mostly for the people I work with and the customers who are business owners, I've gotten to know. Yeah I hate lifting 50lb sacks of potatoes, onions and cabbages and 40lbs of chicken all day non stop but it's a job, it pays the bills, feeds my kids and for a while life was sweet.

I also got a new pet!! A guinea pig named Charley, who used to be named Wheezy lol. He's a sweetie, here's this the kittens were mad I brought him home haha. Lily was mad she was the middle child, Hawthorn had flashbacks of when i brought Lily home and here's the best part--They all get along really well. The kittens are afraid of him and he knows it but they play it tag when I let him out and chase each other, it's hilarious but the kits go over and give him kisses and hugs. Unfortunately McCunt Bubbles AKA Raiden the fish he died around November or so. Honestly I was surprised he lived so long, the kits miss him I think, so I may get a goldfish or something to make them happy again. Plus goldfish are cheaper and eat what's sold at walmart lol.

Hmm, what else??

OH YEAH!!

In the midst of all those goings on in life, I had a few choice encounters with the opposite sex. Some were good, some were those that made you retort WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK and others were nothing out of the unusual. Had a few losers who wanted to move in with me. One I don't think had shit of his own. The other he wanted to move in after two weeks of us talking and of course after he left his wife's house and brought their 4 kids to live with us. I'm like dude no, you got me fucked up. You ain't moving in, your kids damn sure aint coming here and you claim to be "divorced" from your wife with whom you still live with (and is still married to; don't believe the hype). So he told me that I need to learn to accept that a man has kids whether I like it or not because I'm not gettin no younger and men got kids. I'm like you know what you right, I do accept that men have kids. But it doesn't mean I'mma put up with that bullshit though.

Then of course I met the regular fucktards who want naked pictures or my phone number. I had one dude who was made from lies. Like no kidding, he lied about where he lived, his phone number was a lie and he was trying to force me into a relationship and then make me move to Washington DC and got mad when I said no. Who the fuck jumps into a relationship with a fucker they don't know?! Besides stupid people....no one in the correct mind frame is going to do some dumb shit like that. So then I started talking to this one guy who is nice and all but he's miserible as fuck and he reminded me of the guy who broke my heart in May 2014 who was equally miserible. Honestly you can't make a miserible person happy. You can try, but trust me you won't get anywhere. These men were both one in the same, their life is fucked up and everything is their baby's mama's fault.  Yeah it could be to a point, but you not having a job or having a fucked up day for the moment has nothing to do with her, that's straight up you dude. Bottom line you had sex with her volunteerily. No one forced your penis in her vagina and I doubt she raped you. Yawl need to stop that, same goes for the women too. It's no one's fault but your own so man or woman up accept the fuck up and move on. You stand there and whine about it and you'll end up being lost to what's going on around you and you'll definitely miss out on something really nice or awesome things. So by September I just couldn't deal with him anymore. Plus he was always talkin about what he was going to do and never did anything and it let me further know how much of a loser he truly was.

Then around October, I met this really great guy or so I thought--then lol. The way we met was beyond romantic. There I was waiting for the bus after work so I could go home and he was in traffic and honked the horn at me and waved. I usually wave back even if I don't know the person because I feel bad that they might feel stupid once they figure out that they may have mad a mistake. So he went up the street and popped this wild U-turn to come and sit at the bus stop with me and talk to me for about an hour or so. I was honestly shocked and in all my years I've never had a guy leave me so speechless. I will say his game was smooth and well on point. We hooked up and messed around for awhile. Now in the beginning I'll be honest and say I personally felt it wasn't going to last or really work out because it happened so perfectly. We work close to each other (literally next door). We both were single, and we had good chemistry. It was just too perfect. Even the sex was worth it, no doing so without protection wasn't the best thing at any time we did lol. But I don't regret it, and I enjoyed his company. Hell I'm not even mad we broke up. We had a rough spot that we handle but then it came back again and I didn't like that. I wanted to spend time with him, he was basically pretending to be Casper the friendly ghost on me. The last time I heard from him was Christmas Day. I didn't like being strung along or hearing that he was too busy or had other stuff to do when he found enough time to visit is his family which he drove 6 hours to and back and often. Eventually my schedule changed to where we were on the same time 6 or 7am to 3 or 4pm and we work next door for pete's sake. But then I found out he was looking at my facebook and because he did that I could look at his since we weren't friends and had no mutual friends involved, I also found out he lied too. He told me he had been in Pittsburgh for 6months, it was actually a year. It also said he was in a relationship, which I still think he was regardless of what he said or did he just acted like it and I think she lived in Philly too. But all in all I wasn't mad and I'm still not. A lot of people ask me what's going on and I'm like I dunno. I'm assuming it's over and I like it that way.  I enjoyed the 4 and half months we spent together and I had a blast! But somethings are meant to be enjoyed for the moment and not be a lasting memory you know.

Now when he cuffed me I was shocked all the guys that were upset about it!! Like oh my goodness, I couldn't believe it lol. Even now I get a few guys popping outta nowhere and wanting to hook up. But for now I'm cool. I don't think I can do a relationship. I need someone I can do the nasty with and go check out booties and marathon Netflix or Hulu with who doesn't want much more than that. I don't care if it's a guy or a girl or both lol, I can't take the stress of a relationship and the bullshit that comes with it you know?? Since I don't want marriage or kids then I don't want to be wasting someone else's time when they could be finding that person they need for that particular role. I just want a loyal fuck buddy lmao.

As for now I'm trying to get life together, I'm bein garnished for student loans which pisses me off because I'm working minimum wage and busting my ass for over 40 hours a week and they feel it necessary to take $100 or so and say fuck my bills and other shit. I'm like I'll be damned if my cats shit in my house and I end up homeless. I was like ready to quit my job because I refuse to work for 40 hours and get less than part time pay. That's a no go Joe! So now I'm going to see about getting a car so at least I can get to and from work and even possibly get back to my jitneying trips and make some extra money that'll at least cover what I'm losing in garnishment or even get a second job. Mostly I want the car now since I was late for work waiting for a bus that never showed up and the public transit is ok with that happening but I can't be 30mins late for work either. Plus I left my wallet at home the other night that has my money and bus pass and I had to walk home from work because my cousin never came to get me. So after walking 5 miles home for 3 hours in a fucking snow storm....yeah this week has been a challenge for me lol. 

But I'm tryin really hard to make this all work out. Why exactly I haven't found out just yet but I still try. Kind of annoying but it's whatever you know?? I still have many things I'd like to do but for now I'll focus on the now and work as hard as I can and try to make things as comfortable for all of us as I can.


So now you're up to date. I'll try to post as often as I can, my job keeps me beat since I'm working 9-10hours a day because we're currently short staffed. And my iphone broke again so I've yet to get that fix so I'm on a cheapo phone that barely supports facebook. How lame is that??? Smh, eventually I'll get that fucker fixed or replace it with a new one depends on how I feel. If apple keeps making cheap crap I mines well stick to a cheap phone and call it a day ya know?? 

But I shall keep in touch, I also appreciate all of you who's been checking out the facebook page, that makes me really happy :D but it would make have an orgasm if you liked it though lol. 

I'm alive, I'm kickin I'll try my best to do posts, they'll probably be short little somethings, but it's the thought that counts right?? Plus I could NOT not do Condom Week this year! I think I'll go into a different direction this year but it'll still be fun though :).

And if I didn't tell you, I missed you all so very much!!