Defemination

For the longest I've tried to figure out why I have such a hard time dealing with females on a social and bonding level. No matter how much I analyzed the situation I could never figure it out. Regardless I would always try my best and build a feminine bond with other females and experience that group of women who's been best friends forever like in the Then & Now movie. Because it was embedded into me that that was by far the most important task that need to be completed, planted and given the upmost care to remain fruitful. But...I never got that and never got to experience it, probably never will. 

My job at the school bus company is one where everyone is basically friendly with each other. They greet everyone and there's smiles and laughter all the time. There are some that are loners like me and would rather not interact. But it's queer to be in a setting where everyone is happy and enjoys the people around them. 

For me that was very uncomfortable because I spent such a long time being unnoticed and not interacting with people who gave a damn that I'm used to being on my lonesome. I'm ok with that, others aren't—we move on. Not here. They make you participate and they don't sugarcoat or hold anything back. It's amazing actually. I began to enjoy this and felt more confident about interacting with people. 

But we all know good things must come to an end lol. 

Naturally I want to gravitate to the women and chit chat and giggle it up. Then I realized the more I did the more I got pushed into a corner. Not that I was unfamiliar with this corner but I don't like being put there because of someone else's mindset. This time instead of finding that femininely bond that women share with each other, I felt disgusted in a disappointed kind of way. 

It seemed the more time I spent with the women at work, the more and more I feel disconnected from them. I'm one of the few youngest workers, but I also think I'm the only one who has no relationship or children to dote over like everyone else. I thought one day I could alleviate that and talk to the people who might not have that....unfortunately they were men and they talked about their parents, siblings and nieces and nephews and other family members. 

It wasn't until the other day when I rode with two other women on their run that it finally hit me of how I felt with women. I felt emasculated. But wait a minute, is there such a thing for women?? Or is it so rare it's like a mythological sprite of some sort?? So I had to do some research but because it's so unheard of there's so many terms. I decided on the title because it described exactly how I felt. The run I mentioned above with the women, once I mentioned I was single. I was no longer allowed in the conversation unless it was about work. I always receive that treatment from women. Because I'm single and childless I'm not good enough for conversation. They make me feel uncomfortable. But I don't think it's fair to treat me like I'm not good enough to be a woman because I don't have kids or I'm not married or in a relationship or being a Susie Homemaker. Don't tell me I'm not a woman because I haven't done the same things you have or experienced the same the same things you have. I don't shun people who didn't have a father at home and I don't shun people who have siblings. 

But after the other day, I feel it's best if I keep my distance from women and just interact when I have to. I also refuse to allow another creature to tell me I'm not good enough when they're just as flawed or even more more so. 

And because of this last episode, it makes so much more sense why I never gotten along with women. Now the men at work I'm comfortable with and the conversation is conversation except for those who have kids or something equally entertaining like a girlfriend. But other than that I'm cool with them. 

Now I just have to learn to avoid women putting me in that Defeminized Corner because I don't hold the same values in life like they do. Or maybe honestly I need to move, not saying it can't happen there but it might not be as aggressive as it is here.