I Always Imagined...

It was 5 years ago on this date that my father passed away. For me Thanksgiving will always be a shitty day because of that. 

In the midst of all I got bombarded with invites and told how I shouldn't be alone for the holidays. Well I hadn't planned on celebrating them, and besides they're only meant for families and children. I'm not especially close with my uncles but it's still not the same thing. Plus it's aggravating for me to sit there and pretend like I'm enjoying myself when I know I'm not and nothing can change how I feel. It's just another day. I'm not going shopping for the latest deals on Black Friday. I hate the crowds and I'm not about to gamble to see if there's enough for everyone or just a limited quantity. Fuck that, I rather cut myself. 

But since I couldn't get out of my invites, I decide to make a quick appearance and  spend a little time with everyone and the come back home and sit and do whatever with the kitten. Then I decided since I don't plan on styling at any place for too long, I'd bake everyone who invited me something to show my gratitude and thanks. This time I decided to bake mini cheesecakes. I had to merge two recipes together to get it the way I wanted it to me and they turned out beautifully but I'm not sure on the taste since it was my first time making them or cheesecake for that matter. 

However the whole while I couldn't help but enjoy myself like I usually do and let my mind wonder to a time when baking became important to me. My mom always baked something. She loved to cook. However I fell in love with baking not because of licking the spoon or bowl but because my dad loved sweets. I always wanted to marry a guy like my dad who lived sweets and I could bake all day long just to make him happy. But never did I think that would never happen. Yet, I still love baking. Even if I don't have anyone to bake for. I still have a passion to do it. 

As far as this life goes, perfecting my cooking skill and enjoying my bake goods are a waste of time because I spend majority of the time throwing them away because there's no one who wants them or will eat them. It makes me kind of sad in a way. 

It's still a choice that I have to respect....even if I didn't make it. That's what happens when you only imagine the good things and never embrace the bad. 

Try Amazon Kindle For Free

Hi kids!!

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There's a catch. If you like it and want to keep it, you got to pay for it. If you don't want to keep it or would like to not pay that price you got to give it back. Bummer but hey what are you going to do?? 

So all you have to do right now is go sign up for amazon. It's completely free. Then come back here to this post once you're done registering and use this link to get your free kindle trial. 

The Sniffles

I Feel So...

I know I should be sleep but after thinking about tonight, I lost the urge to do so. I went to visit my aunt. But while I was there I felt so left out. Like almost inadequate. It's like everyone else knows a secret and you don't and you're just the background noise to the conversation that's being spoken in tongue in front if you. 

While I'm laying here it made me realize why I want to be alone. I don't like that inadequacy feeling. That "left-out" permanently feeling. It bugs the shit out me and I don't like it. It gives me too many emotions to try and handle and I don't like it because in the end I end up frustrated, hurt and confused. 

I personally and honestly feel that if I alienate myself from all people I won't have to deal with that feeling. I can be contented if I want to or even mad or sad or whatever feeling I'm experiencing at the moment. Plus I don't know how to interact with people. No matter how hard I try to, I always find myself just sitting and smiling and putting up a front like I'm really happy to be participating but in actuality I'm not, I'm uncomfortable, anxious and....lost. Because I don't know what to say and I know the people I'm closest to I have nothing in common with them so a conversation becomes difficult or just down right boring. Or in some cases, it becomes nothing at all but awkward silence. 

The restlessness that shrouds my bitter heart feels like when you can't swallow and it's so hard that nothing works. When I get like this I just want to run away and be a forgotten memory. It makes me wish for death....

However. Having my little kitten, makes life worth while for me. We may have our misunderstandings somedays but I'm happy to have him. He makes me happy and appreciated me for what kindness I show him, loves me without judgement and the best part about it all for the first time I've got someone who's afraid to lose me. Someone who's even afraid to see me leave. That by far is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love every single moment I get to spend with him. Nothing else matters. But I also know and I've come to understand that interacting with humans will soon come to a close. I think after this party I begin to spend the remainder of my life alone with Hawthorn and leave it at that. Hopefully if things go the way I hope, I won't have to leave the house too often and me and him can always be together. I also know it won't last forever. One day we're both going to end up at death's doors going to another place. Sooner or later it doesn't matter to me. Because he'd be the only one to miss me and I for him as well. 

I can honestly say, this is the first time I ever felt so emotional. 

Be Careful & Don't Forget

The Hardest Push

Switched

Hi kids!

It's been a long while since I last talked you guys and dolls. It's was about the Flea Market as a matter of fact. We did do good the second day but honestly I personally would never participate again. It's troublesome and the people are ridiculous with the unnecessary negotiation of the sales. Like what the hell?? 

Anyway hopefully sometime this week I'll be moving back into the house. I sort of passed the inspection except they have me a violation for the bathroom not being "completed" which makes no sense of whatsoever. But whatever. Unfortunately one of the fish died yesterday. I think the water I had was still too cold for him and he died, came back to life and started swimming upside down. But when I put him in new water he died. Poor Orenji got flushed to fishie heaven. Tragic. 

But Raiden is doing fine, attitudinal as always. And Hawthorn has gotten fat lol but he's still a handful. I'll have to make a category just for all the craziness he done!! 

I decided a month or maybe it was two months ago, that I wanted to do a party. Just some good old fashioned fun. No theme no nothing. Just bring yourselves and let's enjoy small talk and delicious food mellow kind of party. Unfortunately I couldn't do it in October. So I'm shooting for this month on the 23rd. But everyone's been asking me is it a housing warming party. Well no, it's not a new house and I'm moving back in to the place I've lived majority of my life in, that's pretty awkward if you ask me. Very awkward. Some have called it an appreciation party, a Thanksgiving party....well no it's just a party. Does a party need a theme to be fun?? Or just to enjoy people's company??

In midst of doing my party invitations last night. I guess I got overwhelmed and frustrated. I couldn't help but think of what else my aunt had said to me. She asked me if I was going to invite any of the people I went to college with or "close friends" to the party. I said no. She asked me why not, I mean why would I?? They're not even interested in spending a day with me just to hang out and do whatever let alone come to something I'm hosting that's important to me. She suggested that I should at least consider it. I said no I won't. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I just refuse to get excited on over who have nothing but excuses for me. They say they're coming and don't show up or they give some lame sad ass excuse as to why they can't come. To be honest since majority of them have kids, I would much prefer they didn't bring their little rug rats to my house. 

However the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. All my invitees are no where near my age. A good majority are older. I want to make enough food for everyone but then I don't want to make too much and no one comes and I'm stuck with all that food. I also don't want to put in the effort to cook and no one wants to eat because they feel I don't know what I'm doing. It made wonder also why do I have a stove?? The only thing I like to do really is bake and so far not too many people has been excited over my bake goods. I think I've thrown away more cake and cupcakes these last two weeks than any store can. I even panicked at the fact I don't have enough seating for everyone. 

But I think once I got my nap last night my mind came to clear and even though those insecurities still bother me. I just have to bite the bullet and accept things for what they're worth. If people come fine, if they don't that fine too. If they eat my cooking fine and if they don't that's fine too. If they don't like cats, that's too bad because little Hawthorn is allowed to roam free in our house. But we'll see what happens. 

I do know one thing. I won't be cooking anything after this. I'm sticking to the microwaving. Cooking is meant for those who have families and kids. Just like baking is meant for those that have someone to enjoy it. Since I don't have that, I don't see a point in it. Even thought I really like baking a lot. What's the point of having 48 cupcakes in various sizes and no one wants to eat them or waits until I'm gone to throw it away so they won't hurt my feelings?? 

Being a woman is a major drag when there's nothing going on in your life. I'm just saying lol. 

My aunt also asked what I would be doing for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I told her nothing then because it was the truth. She like everyone else, thinks I'm going to be invited over for the holiday but personally I don't have a need to celebrate any holiday since they're all centered around couples, families or children. Three things I don't have. But I did change my mind. I decided the week of Thanksgiving, after my party, I'm going to visit my parents' at the cemetery. Maybe take little Hawthorn with me too. Then me and him will spend the day watching tv or a movie or something. I may even get back into knitting or latch hooking. Because after this party I've decided not to make any more interaction with humans. I just don't have the patience to deal with someone else's unstable personality and lifestyle while still trying to maintain my own. In addition to having a cat!! That's just wait too much on my Hefty Plate lol. 

Too Early For Black Friday Returns??