I Always Imagined...

It was 5 years ago on this date that my father passed away. For me Thanksgiving will always be a shitty day because of that. 

In the midst of all I got bombarded with invites and told how I shouldn't be alone for the holidays. Well I hadn't planned on celebrating them, and besides they're only meant for families and children. I'm not especially close with my uncles but it's still not the same thing. Plus it's aggravating for me to sit there and pretend like I'm enjoying myself when I know I'm not and nothing can change how I feel. It's just another day. I'm not going shopping for the latest deals on Black Friday. I hate the crowds and I'm not about to gamble to see if there's enough for everyone or just a limited quantity. Fuck that, I rather cut myself. 

But since I couldn't get out of my invites, I decide to make a quick appearance and  spend a little time with everyone and the come back home and sit and do whatever with the kitten. Then I decided since I don't plan on styling at any place for too long, I'd bake everyone who invited me something to show my gratitude and thanks. This time I decided to bake mini cheesecakes. I had to merge two recipes together to get it the way I wanted it to me and they turned out beautifully but I'm not sure on the taste since it was my first time making them or cheesecake for that matter. 

However the whole while I couldn't help but enjoy myself like I usually do and let my mind wonder to a time when baking became important to me. My mom always baked something. She loved to cook. However I fell in love with baking not because of licking the spoon or bowl but because my dad loved sweets. I always wanted to marry a guy like my dad who lived sweets and I could bake all day long just to make him happy. But never did I think that would never happen. Yet, I still love baking. Even if I don't have anyone to bake for. I still have a passion to do it. 

As far as this life goes, perfecting my cooking skill and enjoying my bake goods are a waste of time because I spend majority of the time throwing them away because there's no one who wants them or will eat them. It makes me kind of sad in a way. 

It's still a choice that I have to respect....even if I didn't make it. That's what happens when you only imagine the good things and never embrace the bad.