Closer

So you ever have one of those moments in your life where you make a plan like it's stated and embedded in our brains to do. However it doesn't work out or backfires or goes utterly (the) wrong (way sometimes) or fails complete. Then you're shoved back to the beginning of the board game to start all over again with your new drawing pad, too short pencil and white eraser that's covered in pencil dirt. Trying your damnedest and your hardest to figure out what the hell you we're doing in the first place. You know it's like waking up WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! WHERE THE FUCK AM I?? What is this witchcraft?? I was on that mint yellow shape up over there and now I'm back at start(??).......THE HELL?! O_o




Yea had one of those. Fought wit my mom. And finally got her to listen to me (｡-_-｡). I hate it when I'm squawking my head off and I'm getting ignored. And then when I snap the hell out and got every fucking body's attention and yell what I need to say and how the fuck I feel. I'm being wrong and disobedient. Until finally they're like OHHHHH I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING NOW—makes a lotta sense now *nods*





And I'm like


So in the midst of all that I lost sight on my "goal" my main objective. Or maybe to be honest I re-invented what I want.

So in the midst of my wanting this happy life and being impatient like I am and not understanding the normal everyday things like everybody else. My thoughts and dreams of Insta-Happy aren't going as planned or like I thought they would.

It's a lot to be a webcam doll!! I mean damn. I'd be deeper in the hole and be going faster than a Bat outta Hell!! I'd be 8 feet deep—and I'm already half way there now!! So what's a girl to do when she needs thousands of dollars and the little piece of jobs I got pay only on a "reward" commission type basis??

Look for new work. But its easier said than done. Why?? Well I talk about that in the next post.

But here's a tidbit ↓

When you go to college there's a lot to go with it. It's fast paced blur of people, students, papers, school colors and memorabilia and sparkles and shit that you don't get the full picture. Nor, at the time, do you know what to say or ask for.

You take everything in stride and accept it for what it's worth. Because hey lets face it, all that hard work and bullshit from high school paid off–FINALLY–and now you can make something of yourself, make yo mamma & diddy proud of you and enter the world of success and happiness. Unfortunately that's not how it works....completely. It's a stress induced, crazed psycho asylum where you're always wrong, unprofessional, and you need room for improvement—always!!

What makes college so sad is the fact you work hard and do your best no matter what! But it's not a guarantee that you'll get into your selected field or get the job of your choice. And the school isn't going to get you a job, help you get a job—hell if they knew the local Burger Joint was hiring they wouldn't even refer you to them and vice versa. There you are in Unemployment Limbo, broke as joke, owing thousands you don't really know where the hell they came from. Tragic.


But well talk more about that later ok!





Well in the midst of me trying to figure out what I can do. I'm googling and searching and finding nothing. So in talking to my mother and getting her to understand the only thing I could probably do without any problems is becoming a webcam doll or a porn star. Well I don't think that would be best I don't approve, is what she said. Well Damn. O_O if that's my best what am I fin to do?? It wasn't that she said that to me, it was the fact she was serious and meant that. So in other words at my lowest point or at a most ungraceful moment you wouldn't accept it or approve of me. Damn that's harsh. So then I thought maybe I am kidding myself, maybe I'm not cut out for it, maybe there's something better out there for me—But wait a minute last time I thought like this, I not only ended up more and more in debt but unhappy and pissed. Well I was getting there [again]. As I spent that day sulking unhappy I took time to figure out what the hell it was exactly I wanted.


What is it that you want??

A family. My own family. Just me and my (maybe) two kids—happy. I don't need the husband or nothing like that. Ive got time for looking and searching for love. I don't have the lifetime time frame for having a baby though and I'd rather not have a baby in my 40s or 50s!! No offense to those mommies but I was raised by middle aged 40+ year olds and it's hard for both the parents and child(ren) involved. It's stressful, patience is lost, things are put by-the-way-side, missed opportunities. Not to mention planning for the unexpected can be time consuming all in itself (like death of a parent, lost of job, possible relocation, etc.)! Things you don't even consider can happen, throw you into a curve and make it that much harder.

Naahhh wasn't for me!! So I decided I wanted to kids early because of all those things.


So there I was as this beautifully decorated, shining, sparkling, absolutely amazing Epiphany just rained down on me.

How did I get here?? I asked myself.
I got here because I lost myself for a minute.

What was it that I was going after??
Making my life better for the baby I thought I was pregnant with. Because I wanted to be a good mom.

So what is it I gotta do to make this work or make this better??
Well it was to get a job to support myself and my baby. But that changed to get a job to better myself. And because I wanted nice things, I wanted to be able to live a happy life—No I wanted the happiest life anybody could have. Dammit I deserved that much right?? And, and, and

Wait a minute—


I just want to get closer to my goal.




What exactly is your goal??
In all honesty I want to be a mom. A Working Mom. A Happy Mom. That would make me the happiest girl in the whole wide world!!




But hold up a moment....how do we go about being a mom??

Didn't have the slightest clue.


All I knew I wanted a baby, knew I needed to get myself on track and what else, right?? A bunch!! It's a lot more to just changing diapers, "nappies", bottles and love galore. You need to be stable, financially fit, and this and that. So you know me, I go and researched. Found oodles and doodles of stuff. Some worth while and others complete jokes!


Not only did I find helpful information, I found some not so helpful information. I didn't realize how crazy people had gotten today in this day and age!! OMG its ridiculous!!! Not only do they feel that me as a person, human, woman or whatever thing—needs to be married to raise and have a child (even if I was purchasing a cabbage patch from the Walmart), but I have to go to college?!

Now hold the fuck up. I need to go to college to be a mom?? No I don't think so! That's like saying you need a Ph.D. To flip a McDonalds hamburger…THE HELL?!?! better yet I need to be married because if I'm not I'm consider unstable, not financially prepared and a whore and evil bitch. O_o.

So what and when am I suppose to become a mom??

Wait until you're in your 30s after you finished your career and gotten married.

Wait, wait, wait, whoa, WHOA—it nearly takes that long to get to know somebody!

No no no! I refuse! NO!!

For me to go back to college and waste 15-20years of my life is VOLUNTEERED FAILURE. One, I don't have the money, time or patience for that—fuck a buncha career (well get to more of this later). Marriage?? Marriage?? Hell NAW I got time to GPS Mr. Right, but not to have a baby.


Besides if I'm ready to have a baby now, wouldn't I do so now before this chance slips away??


So after wasted time spent with crazies and people making no sense. I was detoured from my goal, my want, MY HAPPINESS.


I want to be a mom. Bottom line. If that means I got to work 8 jobs to make ends meet and make my little family comfortable & happy—so be it!!


Thus starting a project. I'll admit it I think I may have bitten off more than I could chew, but Imma throw some Sugar on it and enjoy the fuck outta it lol.


And after I got it together, after I listened to my heart and mind. And after I firmly planted my feet on the ground. I was able to say to myself:




If you want to be a single mom, so be it! Screw what anyone has to say. It's about what you want. If this was selfish, I wouldn't be considering this. To get to that if it means I got to be a webcam doll or groupie, or even turn a few tricks to take care of my baby so be it. Imma do me and Im gonna be proud, hold my head up high and show everybody shit can get done; especially when you put not only your mind to it, but your heart and soul and determination into it.

It can be a beautiful thing.


Once I had all of that, I knew that I'd be getting closer and closer to my goal, to my happiness. Yea I know it'll be hard and won't be easy. It may even be heart breaking or rejoiceful at some points. However I'm not going to be swayed or let people make bad decisions for me [ever again if I can help it dammit].


Remember that what's best for you isn't always best for the next person, and vice versa. So don't force how you feel or your ideals on me or anybody for that matter (more of this to come ok). Just be supportive as much as you can, if you want to be and show them their best is just fine. Coz we all need a little push every now and then, especially when and where it counts the most in our lives.


I decided to "document" My Road To Mommyhood for you guys lol. I feel like I need to explain some things and educate some nitwits out there. So there will be a new label called RTM short for Road To Mommyhood. Besides my kids may enjoy this later on in life–hell my grand kids just might too hahaha! But also there might be more labels I dunno yet, still deciding but you'll be the first to know of course =].




So make sure to keep your eyes on your goal. If you don't those dreadful things known as obstacles & dumbfucks will get in the way and try their damnedest to sway you. Some do it intentionally because of jealously or lack of seeing someone else succeed or even because they're booting out any [future] competition. Other do so just to be evil and mean and the rest are just uncaring as hell. SMDH, it's a shame that's what it is. But never second guess yourself, never ask what's for the best if your heart and mind says something different from the rest. Show everybody you can make it and do what the hell you was put on this earth to do—and that was to be HAPPY BEING YOU!! Trust me it'll be well worth it and yes it will be hard and uncomfortable at times but don't give up! The closer you get to your goal the happier you will be. Even if you're light years away(!!) it'll be well worth it.

So don't fret none hun, we'll get there in due time and it will get done.


(^_−)−☆




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