Kwanzaa | Nia

"Purpose"

To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness. 

I think as of now I thought I knew what my purpose was. But then I found out that I was wrong. Well not so much wrong but incorrect to a point. I'm finding things about myself that I never new existed. As well nostalgically revisiting who I was and reinventing that into something more modernesque. I think this new found understanding is what I was lacking when I last wrote about Nia two years ago. 

2 years ago-even 3 years ago you couldn't have told me that I would be the person I am. I was full fledge bad ass who couldn't stand men and wanted to be the ultimate hot ass cat lady every to walk this earth. Boy was I wrong! Or delusional. Probably both in some regards lol. I found out two cats were too much for me to handle. I found several relationship prospects. One whom (was mentioned in the previous post) was able to open my heart and emotions up. Make me vulnerable against my wishes. But he made me be able to fully accept the man I'm with now. I wouldn't have it any other way. Hell I didn't think I'd be in a decent relationship with a guy who not only respects me and values me. But treats me like his best friend. Is he the one?? Ehhh let's not get carried away lol. We've known each other for 6months and been together for 4 of them and I'm quite contented. 

But that's the beautiful thing. The whole while I was thinking I was meant to be alone and unhappy and basically always be a side chick. Things have changed and so has my outlook on what my purpose may be. Yeah the first purpose could've been it. But it doesn't mean we have to have just ONE SOLITARY PURPOSE to manifest our lives after. No. You can have more than one. They can coincide with the times or different events that take place in life. There's a reason why there are Jacks (& Jackies) of all trades. 

Kwanzaa | Ujamaa

"Cooperative Economics"

To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together 

I finally decided. That instead of waiting for that golden opportune moment to start working towards having my own business. I got to start somewhere. I did. It may not be a huge step. It even be the very beginning but guess what?? It's a start either way!! I'm proud of myself. I want to establish a business that benefits everyone not just me. I want to be that help that people wish was available. I want to be that extra push. That helping hand we need when we don't have that strong support system. I want people to know there's help. You don't have to be broke and shiftless looking for help. You can be you. Struggling and trying and doing your best everyday. That effort is suppose to be rewarded. It's suppose to be commended and recognized. 

I want to be that pat on the back that gives people the hope to keep on trying. 

Kwanzaa | Ujima

"Collective Work & Responsibility"

To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

I learned something really really important. Sometimes no matter how much we hate to admit it. Sometimes we are wrong and we have to accept responsibility for our actions. Yeah there are those moments where we can walk away from something and leave it up in the air and eventually it'll go away. But not everything can be conducted in the same manner. 

I have poor banking habits. And I know it. And mostly it comes from trying to make $5 into $50. It's not happening when your pay is that "$5" but bills are "$100" it's like a conspiracy. However I always felt if I ignored it long enough it'll go away. My mama would tell me to stop that as how that would impact my life later on. But like a lot of things she told me it never made sense or had little to no importance until my taxes were due and I don't have a way to write a check. I can't open another bank account for a while—or at least until I resolve my debts. What sucks is that I'm trying so hard but I feel like I keep getting knocked back a few spaces. 

But I realized that running away from my problems isn't going to solve anything. I decided for 2016 I want to try to face my financial problems head on and assume the responsibility that I fucked up and I need to fix this if I want to have a decent future. I can't assume that my problems will go away or written off. They'll be there waiting like karma to bite me in the ass. So I've decided to be a responsible adult (as much as I possibly can) and handle business like I'm suppose to. I may not like it and it may put me in a financial bind. But I don't want to be struggling or acting like a everyday broke hood rat either. I want change. But first before I can get the change I have to learn responsibility. 

Kwanzaa | Kujichagulia

"Self-Determination"

To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

There were moments during these last two years that I lost my focus on myself. I don't mean in a selfish way. I was so bent on being unified with as many people as possible. I fell off from my own individuality and lost focus on improving myself. 

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost a whole year who was everything I ever wanted. He was older, single—no kids or crazy exes, came from a good household, had a good job, his own house, car and was just fucking perfect. Like my god it was like where have you been all my life(?) type of thing. I will say in the beginning of our relationship things were blissful and filled with lust. I was happy. But it took a horrible turn for the worst unfortunately. And I found myself in a relationship I wasn't happy but was desperately holding on to even though I knew it had no chance of surviving or if it did it wouldn't grow into anything more than it already was. It was a weed more so than a blossom. But I delusionally thought that at some point it could be a blossom someday. 

We spent majority of the time in this off and on, break up to have make up sex while he half assed everything kind of relationship. It was until I thought I was possibly pregnant that this wasn't going to work. I had lost myself, forgotten how important it was to be good to myself, misunderstood his half ass caring for love and respect. I was hell bent on keeping what I wanted and pleasing society and those around me that I forgot how to be Bunny. I felt like LéSans all over again. Akin to whatever goes. Trying to make a catastrophe disaster a beautiful something. 

As I found out I wasn't pregnant. I sat there and thought. Here I am giving the very best of me to a man who can't even put me on the list of possible considerations. He didn't care about me like he said. He enjoyed the passing thought of me and what I had to offer. I wasn't that girl he wanted to marry and fall in love with every day for the rest of his life. I was that trophy wife that everyone would be pleased with and he would get the upmost recognition for. The whole while—he was no good for me. So I broke up with him. 

I was tired of being a passing thought. I was tired of being ignored and waved off. I was tired of being hinted as a burden. And I was especially tired of holding on and trying to make something work he wasn't willing to even meet me half way. When I broke up with him oh we battled for two months. He didn't want to end it. But I'm trying to figure out why we're continuing it. So when I decided to make changes in my life to make me happy. He wasn't happy with that. I got a new job, new attitude and dropped his sorry ass. I'm glad I did too. I wouldn't been able to meet my new guy, experience new things and become an even better woman. 

But then came another obstacle. I decided to get a roommate. Mostly because I was out of work and needed the extra income at the time. That was easier said than done. Between her telling me. She's moving soon and NOT PAYING RENT. She wanted to run up the utilities and leave a mess and basically be a complete slob. I had to force her to pay me rent. While she go on vacations and buy shit she wanted I'm struggling to keep the lights and shit on. But what's crazy is when I put her out finally. She felt it was ok to leave her stuff and store it at my house and come back for it when she got ready. I had to fight her to come get her shit. Which she didn't come get until a MONTH after she was evicted. Which was this month. But had the audacity to tell me she felt she didn't have to pay me rent or follow the rules in my house. Well then you don't need to be living here either. She wouldn't even sign a month to month lease. Even told me $300 and $400 was too much for rent (but wanted a place that was $790+ a month plus utilities and fees). No. You gotta go. I don care if our friendship is severed or no longer. I don't care. That was unfair to me. She's working two jobs and not pitching in and I'm here broke and hungry. And she don't understand why I'm angry. 

But I was so focused on her bullshit and nonsense that I let my bills get out of control. I was close to being homeless myself by not paying my taxes. So now I have to work 12hr shifts at my job just to break even and take care of myself. It wasn't fair. It's definitely not healthy. 

So even though I'm working on trying to find that unified compromise to coexist with others. I have to remember that my individuality matters too; I can't get lost in others and forget to continue to find and better myself. So for 2016 I want to continue working on my relationship with others but work on being determined for myself and becoming a better person than I was yesterday. 

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Kwanzaa | Umoja

"Unity"

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

I found out that sometimes you have to learn to have unity. For me being an old child and always having to do everything on my own or for myself is challenging within itself. 

At my old job I had to learn to have unity in order to work well with my customers. Sometimes having a support system is more that just a novelty. Those are the people that keep you up when your knees begin to buckle or give way due to life's hardships. However when you're stuck depending on yourself. You don't have a choice but to be strong and hold your own ground. No matter how many times you may buckle, waver or fall. Getting back up is your only choice. It's unfortunate that some people don't understand it. It's ok not too. Sometimes I have to wonder how I've been able to stand my own ground for so long. 

However having to depend on people and work along side people not only bode successful for ourselves individually but for the greater cause we were working for. Which was to have a successful customer service. 

But with that being said. That's also helped me get me where I'm at. It's ok to ask for help. That trust and bond that you build while asking for help creates the unity that we all need actually. I know if I hadn't learned that type of unified compromise I wouldn't be able to make my current relationship work either (yeah a lot has changed & happened lol). That unity that I strive for in my relationship is what was lacking in my last relationship not on my part either. 

Unity has taught me a lot in 2014 and 2015 and I'm glad it did! Because it's making me an even better person and I like it and I'm happy with the current outcome. It's ok to depend on people. It's also ok to help people too. You never know who will be there to help and support you. My mama always told me that and she's right. I hope to strive for that kind of unity and not only help people but be apart of a support system that can handle things head on without trembling or falling apart. 

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7th Avenue Blues

Hi kids!!

I know it's been like FOREVER since you last heard from me. But of course you know I've had tons of shit happen. My life stays more eventful than I'd like and it takes me a minute to keep up lol. 

Hmm. But now to figure out where to begin?? 

Well several months ago I was having issues with my job. Remember the cashiering job I had?? Yeah. I ended up getting garnished for student loans which suck ass. Regardless of what I did they felt justified to take $200 out of my pay per month. What sucked to be working full time 40 hours a week, hard labor and I'm left with less than a part time pay. Yeah it wasn't cool at all. What made it even worst my bills increased. I lost my food stamps and I was struggling hard and bad!! There was so much stress I had to do part time. I still got garnished but not as much and I ended up picking up odd jobs to make ends kinda sorta meet. 

So in June I made some adjustments to m schedule prior in May so I could be off so that I could work my second job as a server. My boss never honored my request and that's when I knew I had it. I up and quit my job. Not the best decision. And I would've like to have had another job secured before I left but that wasn't happening. They wanted to penalize me for missing work or fuck up my days off to suit everybody else. Like I cuss my boss out. Like she wanted to me like I was her worst worker but I'm like lady please. When one of your favorites don't show up you calling my fucking number. She had the nerve to tell me that I wouldn't find a job better than that one. I'm like fuck out of here!! I'll find a better job. One that'll give me my benefits and won't fuck with my paycheck either. 

So I was out of work for 2-3 weeks before I found my current job. It's further out but the pay is more. Scheduling is flexible and fixed. And I get as much overtime as I want. Hell I get paid to work my lunch and they feed me too! I sit on my ass and eat snacks all day. Lol. Doesn't get any better than that?? Plus I was getting $3 more. They work with me. Even when I need to go to my other two jobs. I'm contented with that. I'm not going to say I absolutely LOVE working for the electric company but it's beats a blank. Plus I've been able to get the bills paid down a lot quicker than I thought. And that makes me happy. So for now I want to keep this job as long as possible so I can go to another customer service job that'll be closer to home or pay me more. Personally I'm hoping for both. 

Hmm what else. Oh yeah. At moment I was in a relationship. Go figure. I think I've mentioned him before. 

I met him LAST October. Right before Halloween. I had just gotten off work and he's driving pass and waves and I waved back. He popped a U-turn in the middle of rush hour traffic to come sit at the bus stop and talk with me. It was probably the most perfect moment I've ever experienced. Then it got perfecter. He was working a good job. Had his own house, car, no kids, no crazy interfering exes. Motherfucker was perfect as hell. For a minute I was excited because I got exactly what I wanted but the messed up part about it was the fact that he was too much of what I wanted. The first few months we had were good but then it went down hill from there. He wouldn't return my calls or texts. He didn't want to spend time with me. Didn't want an actual relationship anymore but then again I wasn't allowed to be single either and that pissed me off. You don't want me but you also don't any anybody else to have me either and that was so fucked up to me. So we broke up for awhile. More like stopped talking to each other. 

Then after this 5month break. He decides to message me I guess due to loneliness. And we got back together and he was talking much shit. And like a dumb ass I believed him and believed things would change and possible become more concrete oppose to being so up in the air. Yeah. Not happening. It was like on and off of bullshit. He would get jealous when guys would approach me or talk to me on Facebook and I'm like why?? You don't wanna go out or give more than 5 minutes of attention. Then the sex got boring and predictable. He was the only one allowed to have an orgasm. I felt abused and misused. I was being taken for granted and I wasn't ok with that. Though he felt otherwise. So after 11 long months of off and on. I finally told him how I felt and broke up with him. Can't you believe that the motherfucker had the nerve to ignore what I said and just basically tell me he's coming over to my house. Wanted to tell me how he moved closer to where I live to be with me. It's like he wasn't that far away any wanted to tell me that he couldn't come and see me because I lived too far away but he couldn't drive to a place that was 14hrs away. I was only 30minutes away from him. He was a lunatic. I don't regret meeting him and I'm happy I did. He created a situation that I vowed would never happen. But I learned something though. While I was making him a better man for the next girl whoever she maybe. He made me a better woman for the next man. Little did I know it or not. But the lesson that hit home the most was the fact that even though he was exactly what I WANTED. He wasn't what I needed. And I thought about that long and hard. Like you're what I want and I was tryin so hard to make it work but he was soo soo SO BAD for me. And holding on to him and the relationship wasn't going to change anything or make anything better. Had to let it go. 

Believe or not I met someone else. Lol. I like him lots. I think I'm so infatuated with him because he didn't treat me like another piece of ass. He wanted to be friends and I was ok with that. He's a complete goofball and I don't feel uncomfortable with him. We can hang out and just enjoy each other's company. I like that a lot. What makes it even more ironic is the fact that he's not perfect. He's not what I want or that who "your type" he is so flawed in so many ways but I like it lol. Plus he's been making me happy in such a way that even my roommate thinks he's my boyfriend and we're not even there yet. And who would've ever thought I'd meet him at work?? Lmao! He even trained me for my job. Probably not the best secenario but hey shit happens right?? And I can't wait to see what happens. Plus I love fooling around with him during lunch hahaha. It's not often so no guys we aren't doing the ultimate porno at work scene. Hell he even told me no when I asked for sex. That makes me mad but appreciative because he's being considerate of me and apparently wants more than that. Even told me so lol. And I'm actually ok with it. 

Oh yeah I have a roommate too. For a minute she was a pain in my ass. But it's like fine. It's half ass working now lol. I'm wondering how long that's actually gonna last. I'm hoping not for long. I be trying to have some adult time with the new Bae lol. 

But other than those juicy tidbits life is pretty good. I love my new friends who are like my paradise! I guess I must say I'm happy to have a somewhat normal period to. Even though it's been cramping my style like crazy for this entire month. But that last pregnancy scare was not something I was ready for. I need to think long hard and on the toilet before considering even making the slightest passing thought about getting pregnant. Maybe. I dunno my new guy got me doing things I wouldn't normally do too. 

We'll see what happens in due time. I'll try to keep you guys and dolls posted. Plus I have plenty of things else to still talk about too!! 

I love you heaps!!