Reason 8: To Be or Not To Be…

It’s funny how when you’re a kid and being raised, there’s all these do’s and don’ts as far as what your actions are concerned. What I mean by that is, I remember also being told to be a good girl, with morals and smart and pretty so that all the boys will fawn over me. Because no one wants a fast little girl (one who was doing any and everything).  But then you become this tweenager and you dream of having your first boyfriend and how wonderful it will be. Then—BAM—you find out that the boys like the little fast girls, going on dates and all that silly shit everyone else told you is not on the agenda at all.

 

But it took a long time for me to learn that it’s not ok to let people try and mold me or build me into something or someone I’m not. It’s exhausting for one and then it’s just inconsiderate. I’ll appreciate an honest opinion, however I’m not going to accept listening to this suggestion and then it’s followed by a scolding. The hell?? I remember when my mom passed away. The first thing everyone was telling me wasn’t ‘sorry for your lost, is there anything I can do?’ no it was ‘WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES?!’ Um, how about no thank you. Then I had to listen to the whole rhetoric of how I need a man, and how no one (my family) is going to take care of me or be bothered because that’s my husband’s job. To even saying how I was too fat, I needed to stop smoking, go back to school, get prettied up and go out and meet this man so I can have my first kid before I hit 30, while married of course. No matter what that was the conversation anytime I saw someone. It got so bad that my aunts were legit picking up random 20-something year olds and telling them about me and giving them my number like I’m some desperate muffin looking to be touched…. NO NO NO. Then the shit hit the fan when I got Hawthorn, EVERYONE LOST THIS EVER LOVING MINDS!! Like they weren’t ready. Then I heard about that, I’m not trying hard enough or I need to get a dog to balance it out because I shouldn’t want to be a cat lady.

 

Well fuck. I shouldn’t want to be a miserable trophy wife with kids I never wanted either.

 

But here’s the kicker. Got with my ex, everyone disliked that he had kids already and was older. They everyone spazzed when I got pregnant. Wanted to tell me I was wrong and I shouldn’t be getting pregnant and how no one’s going to help me with the baby BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hmmkay. Just yesterday you were telling me I needed to get a man and have a baby. I do both of those and that’s wrong. Ok. Gotcha!

 

 

Now, they still nitpick about me now being 31 with more cats and no man or children. Honestly I don’t give a flying fuck either. I wasn’t put on this earth to be everyone else’s happiness while sacrificing my own.  Even friends do it too, and spouses. Like stop trying to recreate someone into something you can tolerate and be happy with. Either accept them as is or move on to someone else. I’m not going to be the virgin, PhD having, great job, big house, 3 cars, married to a surgeon, 5 kids who all go to private school and will be doctors, lawyers and politicians with 2 dogs and a cat….. Yeah that’s not my kind of lifestyle. Yes at one point I wanted to be married with kids but that changed once I seen the uglier side of things. I don’t ever want to experience a divorce. Regardless of what anyone says, a man of today don’t even want to spend time with you on a date let alone spend 40years with you on purpose. The fuck. Maybe in the 50s & 60s that work. But not in 2018. Just like I had to learn to accept people as they are, I expect them to do the same for me. I’m contented how I am. Yes there’s always room for improvement for me to be a better version of my current self. However I’m not going to compromise or water myself down to be tolerable for other people. I’m not going to try to be someone that I’m not or I don’t feel comfortable being. You either like me or you don’t and either way I’m going to continue to be me, regardless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Table pt. 2

 

Ok, now that you had time to think about all the attributes that you want the potential bae to have or expected to be.

 

Now everything you thought of—are YOU every one of those? Who you are now, does that fit the criteria that you just rattled off or jotted down?

 

Now if you had to pause or think about it or even made a face or even let the thought of “this isn’t about me…” comes to mind…. The answer is no baby.

 

 

I can’t say I want a college educated man, if I’m a whole ass college drop out. I can’t say I want to be with a surgeon but I work as a cashier.  That’s unfair. But a lot of people think like that. It’s unfair to say to someone they’re wrong for not wanting to compromise and settle their standards so you can fit in their puzzle. No. It’s not cool at all. What’s crazy is the fact that people try to justify their handicaps as a gain for the next person. Like everyone says I’m wrong for thinking that singletons with children shouldn’t think (mostly demand) that they date someone without kids. No no no honey. I’m not bringing kids on my pop out try, what is you doing??? It’s unacceptable. Now if you meet someone who says I’m ok with it, that’s a different story. But you can’t force your ideals on other people. As much as I’d love to see a successful black man, with money, his own house and car and college educated. I can’t force those on a broke ass. I can’t force those on a mediocre man or a blue collar brother. Unfortunately NOW I GET THAT.  You’d hate to have a friend say oh lets go out for dinner, drinks and movies but you’re footing the bill and all they wanna say how much of a buzzkill you are, and you guys are friends and it’s not that serious. It’s annoying as fuck and hurtful if you’ve been in that situation. If you haven’t been in that situation… two things: give it time or you are that lousy friend (even more so if you just got offended).

 

I want someone that can match what I got. Which is a house, a car, no kids and a job. If you don’t have those then we don’t need to talk. There is no negoation or compromising on this. Everytime I have I had to compensate for a man who wasn’t up for the challenge and he would get mad that I asked him to do better. When he’s bringing me the best he is. Either I put up or shut up. And since I don’t do either, I’m just going to leave well enough alone. Because if I shut up and ignore it, I know I won’t be happy. If I put up with it, I’m settling for something that bothers me and he may not be willing to change. Now when I was younger I was willing to do the put up and shut up. Because I felt that he would want to change or want more like I did. Unfortunately in any of the interactions I’ve had with men it was never the case. The men that seem to fit my little tray were already married or taken for the long haul. So I then thought about the men available to me. Which is when my standards began to change immensely and the list became shorter. 

 

It was until my last two relationships that I got to reflect on what really happened. I know that a lot of what went down was my fault and there were red flags and moments I should’ve spoken up. I didn’t, I ignored it and hoped for  the best.  First, his tray matched mine very well actually. Job, own place, no kids, car, educated… seemed ideal right? It wasn’t. Once we got the table together we weren’t on the same page. While I was trying again to make a relationship work, he was looking for a fling and I turned into a side piece basically. So the table fell apart. Second one, most recent and the longest so called relationship. Our tray seem to set well into each other, however I thought well sometimes pieces don’t always fit and glue (bond) can help mend it. Please don’t be like me or many other people, thinking that with time it’s gonna erode into the perfect table. Even if that does happen it’s going to have a weak foundation.  My ex came with 3 kids, a car, no place of his own, a job. Me: no kids, no car, house & job. Ok maybe we can make this work. Shimmy the trays together sorta got a table thing going on here. So then we talked about what we’ll put on the table. Which was unclear on his end and I let be (and shouldn’t’ve). He said he wanted to get married and one more kid that was it. There was no plans of getting better jobs or advancing into a careers, getting a bigger house or moving, investments. Nothing. Just his constantly convenient conversation about us getting married “next year” definitely. Then after a year of trying to accommodate his short comings, since I started doing better like getting  a car, as well as a second job. He decided to cheat on me. Which I found real convenient when he’s telling me we couldn’t have sex until marriage, but I can suck his dick though—go figure. But we had sex, unfortunately got pregnant around the same time I found out I was, also found out he was cheating with the coworker. Went straight to hell after. We fought, argued, screaming matches galore. I lost the baby, and then found out he had baby on the way with someone else! Tried to make it work and still going back and forth, he got aggressive, and real disrespectful. I got tired of trying to keep this so called table together. His kids came before me no matter what. I wasn’t even allowed to meet them, his mom or his family. I was his side chick. That’s why there was no sex (besides him getting head), no marriage, and he was adamant about not helping me because he said he didn’t have to (but I was supposed to be providing him with love, support, money and letting him stake claim on my possessions). No this ain’t going to work and anything we set on the table always fell off. Even though he wanted to keep “trying” or basically denying me from seeing someone else. It wasn’t working. And I had to let it go even though it left my tray a little damage and worn.

 

I learned that I can’t force something to be what I want. It’s not happening. Needs are important but not everyone takes those into consideration. With everyone talking about how they’ve ended up with the wrong person or being mistreated. Like shut up, you tried to fixed something that didn’t need to be fixed. If you ever meet someone and their flaws bother you that much, you trying to rewire them is not going to change the fact you’re forcing something that shouldn’t be forced. It should happen as naturally as possible and bring out the best in you. Make you happy as hell too. But you don’t look at that, and you’re excited at finding someone who takes you as a fancy. You try to hold on to that because dating nowadays is so hard. So even with my beat up tray, I went back to my standards. Only reason is because I feel if that other person has the same standards as I do, then we can communicate more fluidly and be able to better place things on the table. Like if I’m with someone with my same standards, he’ll understanding dating on the weekday is a no go because I work. He should understand that I maybe short on cash because I’m paying all the bills on my own. He can understand why I work two jobs, or why I don’t want or have kids, he can appreciate that I’m busy and may not have time for him. We can go on a trip without worrying about money being tight or a babysitter. We’re looking to maybe get new cars or homes or jobs. Things we have in common to relate to and be able conquer together. That’s where the items on the table become important. I see a lot of women only offering other men’s children, attitude and sex and want to be treated like a queen by a man who has it all. Or men who works part time at a fast food joint with no interest of getting another job, no house, no car, nothing and wants a woman to do it all while he sit on his ass like a king. No. That don’t work for me.

 

Now I’m not saying a person can’t have flaws. My mom hated smoking and drinking. Anyone who did it she had little to no respect for you, she was turned off and disgusted. But guess what?? My dad was a serious smoker and was a social drinker. My mom hated facial hair, dad had a beard quite often. So even in those moments, they still made it work for 50 plus years. So flaws can be tolerated and appreciated because you love and care about that person. But it shouldn’t be out of control where it makes you miserable and unhappy. Too many of us are forcing a relationship or are in denial and want to tell someone else what they’re missing. It’s funny I get female friends saying I need to go find the right man and how much better I’d feel with one. While I look at her situation, they live in a shitty apartment they can’t afford, he has a fast food job and she half ass works but the sex is great and he loves her. Um, I’m cool boo. I gotta house, a car, usually keep a decent job and can go on trips or least to the movies without a man. So something’s wrong lol. The men I’ve attracted as of late all got kids and I have little to no interest. I’m not about to compete for love and affection for kids/baby mamas that win by default. No this is not the Roman empire and I’m not a gladiator. However I’m not out there looking either because I know the men in my age group all have them. So I rather just leave well enough alone. Then comes the WHAT ABOUT SEX….uhhh I don’t want it. I was with a man 3 years and had sex with him 5 times maybe and it wasn’t nothing to get excited about. And I’m not into hooking up with whoever or meeting someone off the internet. So if I can survive 4 years no sex and 3 years with a man and still no sex… I think I’ll be fine. I don’t want STDs or an unplanned baby again. I got things I want to do, like travel abroad. I want to publish more books, open up my business, experience as many new things as much as possible. I don’t want to sit with a man who just wants to smoke a blunt, drink, watch Netflix/cable AT MY HOUSE. I don’t have the patience to figure out if the next man is going to be different or not. I’m 31 and I’m not trying to give every guy I meet 3-5 years of my life to show he’s not fully interested. That’s unfair to me. I’m not putting myself on the back burner for anyone or forcing something that doesn’t need to be. 

 

It’s your tray, you do with it as you please. But consider what you have to offer and how that stacks up to the competition (potential bae). As well as if you’re a good fit for each other and have some MAJOR things in common. Then what goals you BOTH want to accomplish together for the future. If it doesn’t fit or seems uneasy, take a break and re-evaluate. If it still don’t work just call it a day and move on. Don’t water yourself down to be tolerable for someone else. Also don’t demand things that you don’t have or can’t provide. It’s an equivalent exchange of life to balance things out and earn that content. If you feel otherwise I’m ok with that. To each their own. I just know a McDonald’s manager, baby’s dad, wannabe future rapper, homeless fuckboy ain’t going to work for me. Since that’s what I attract, me and my tray is gonna be over here—chilling like a villain lol.

The Table pt. 1

Bring to the table - offer, contribute, supply, give

 

Hi kids,

 

This is going to be a two-parter because it turned out longer than I planned on. But it’s good when the cup runneth over lol. Or so they tell me.

 

 

Anyways—

 

 

So I decided to talk about this since lately I’ve been seeing more and more MEN on my social media accounts proclaiming that they are tired of womens’ shit and don’t appreciate her taking advantage of his kindness and being ignorant to his worth. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Not that it’s a bad thing, I feel all people should be proud of who they are and voice their pride and worth to others. As well as demand the respect on how they wanted to be treated (or appreciated) as a person. I’m all for that. But what’s baffling is the fact that men are like whining about it now, yet women have been putting up with this bullshit for probably centuries now. Like what the hell is going on?

 

What I found interesting out of all this, is men and women  posting their standards or the needed qualifications to be in a relationship (if you want to call it that) with them. Like when you date me my kids are part of the package, or you have to be there for me when I’m struggling and broke so we can build an empire together, or there’s more to life than sex and how we need to be able to chill and enjoy each other company or how we should be able to save up and travel or buy a house. I’m over here like wait a damn minute, now when I talked all this shit before I got major attitude and told I’m being too bourgeois. Well shit. Like why you get to have all these standards, scattergories, qualifications, a sacrificial virgin….. SHUT THE HELL UP.  You cannot sit there and demand all these things from someone and you yourself don’t even have or lack entirely. That’s rude. NO ONE goes to the McDonald’s demanding their big mac first and picking at it before paying. You’ve got to give to get.

 

Hold up, though. People misunderstand this whole give-to-get scenario. They make it one sided like if he/she isn’t giving me what I need I’m leaving them, or I’m taking their ass to court, I’m taking the kids—so on and so forth. Yeah OK, so what did you give to them?? Nothing. Well hell you can’t expect to get something and give it back. Like my ex for example, he thought it was ok for me to give him money when he needed, head when he wanted, took him to work when his car broke down—the whole nine. But did he do any of that for me? No. Told me specifically that he didn’t have to. But there’s tons of people like him. There’s also those that have outrageously high expectations of what someone else is supposed to be. Even those who lack the qualifications, but still demand that those are overlooked for whatever greater good they’re fighting. That’s not how the table works. Metaphorically the table is similar to the dining table. We both are going to “eat” from this table and it’ll be ours. To a point that’s correct. But this isn’t like a restaurant where everything you need/want is brought to you by a server and the things you don’t like or don’t want can be ignored or picked up. No, no, honey. The table is more like a detachable tray so to speak. You bring your little tray and snap it into other trays and make the “table.” Each tray is different, and each come with something or many things different from what you got. So that’s the table portion. Now the whole matching part is like a weed session. There I said it. Those of you that don’t know: you have a friend and say hey let’s have a weed session (smoke and toke), do you wanna match? Which basically means they bring a nugget of weed or a rolled blunt and you have your nugget of weed or rolled blunt. If there’s two nuggets/blunts then you match them two. If there’s three friends or four, doesn’t matter—we’re all bringing the same goods and we share and eat cookies and have a good old fashion time all high and shit. That’s the same formula of matching we should be using with the table. 

 

Honestly I’ll say I didn’t get it, until what yesterday night and it dawned on me. I guess epiphanies can happen in the shower too lol. I can say I didn’t start thinking about it until I was about 26ish, met this guy who was nice. He had an apartment, a job, no kids, really dope personality. We talked and talked and at one point I felt bad because I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer him. Which made me wonder if that’s why it was so important for girls to play house, learn to cook, sew and clean. It was like an alternative option for the “table” I always thought. That whole thing fell through when he told me he couldn’t date me because I lived in a horrible neighborhood (yet where he lived at was worse than where I lived—go figure).  So I began thinking that this “matching” was like having my own stuff, my own money and that’ll be enough. As you get older you realize oh hey there’s something else I need to add on this list (which is “your standards”). But you realize your list isn’t physically possible and you have to sit there and fine tune or sometimes compromise with an individual to make this thing work. I feel we compromise too much and that leads to settling. And the settling leads to being miserable or the feeling of being stuck in something you don’t want but feel like there’s nothing out there for you. 

 

Since I’ve reached my 30s I get asked more often about my relationship or why I’m single. Well because I wanna be what the fuck. But they don’t like that answer and want to hit me with those “what about that lonely night” or “you’re gonna miss having someone love on you” cockamamie bullshit. Um, first of all I can’t miss something I never had. Secondly you got me on several tiers of fucked up right now. Now when I was a fresh 20ish yeah I’d be all over that. But 10 years later on my own and adulting like a mafia boss, my wants and needs changed as well as what I would and would not settle for. Even then I wasn’t doing it right. Not that there’s a right or wrong way, but more of a understanding of what exactly you’re doing. I remember being 20ish wanted to be with a man 2 years plus my senior, whom I’d married at 22, we’d have 6 kids (3 boys, 3 girls), our own house, at least 3 cars, pets galore, we’d both work and be happy and live happily ever after. However my little fantasy fairy tale wasn’t realistic with what was available. And unfortunately I ended up compromising and then on to fine tuning my standards to fit those around me. But think about it. If a puzzle piece doesn’t fit, you don’t make adjustments to the puzzle to FORCE it to fit, you find another piece right? Or sometimes leave an empty space there. Too many time we adjust ourselves to fit this person into our lives that really wasn’t meant to fit or be fully apart of it in the first place. It’s meant to be a brief encounter. Nothing more, nothing less. 

 

 

But here is where the “matching” gets complicated. We get older, blindsided and confused about what we want anymore. We’ve tried all angles to get in a relationship and hope that at least this person just ACKNOWLEDGES that I exist and learn to love and appreciate me.  Then we become all discombobulated and assume that some of the worst actions of a person is their own way of showing love. Which is wrong. And we’ll talk about that another day. Within all this, we just start rattling off what that person doesn’t possess or don’t have or not what we need. We feel that we need to mold them into something that is more tolerable and efficient to say the least. Instead of accepting that person for who they are and seeing how they fit into our lives. Now think about all the things you want in a person—EVERYTHING that makes them the IDEAL MATE for you…..

 

 

Think on it, answer it honestly and come back to me tomorrow for part 2.