#May20

I don't honestly know, but maybe because I'm getting older and my life is stuck in Park literally. I'm just not feeling turning a year older. Between last year and this year it's like another depressing holiday I'll be spending alone.

Well not completely alone but Madea's.getting older and isn't up for anything challenging. So its more of another day that comes as quickly and leaves briskly.

I did excited for a moment and wanted to do something fun. Since everything I googled all included paid trips, outings and spa visits or happenings with friends I don't have. I'm pretty screwed in the fun department.

I said I can't let that stop me. There are pros and cons to having friends and unfortunately I got a huge dose of the cons than the pros. Actually never had any pros. But that's besides the point, sometimes you expect people to give back to you what you gave them. Unfortunately that's never the case. And sometimes it's even lonelier in a group who pays you no attention or act like you mattered oppose to being by yourself.

Then I'm thinking well an outing would be nice. But I'd feel silly sitting at the park by myself staring into space and I don't want people watching me like I'm some freak because I'm people watching or on a space cadet ride lol. For a quick moment I got depressed and thought how this isn't where I expected my life to go much less exist in this same conditioned routine. Yes it can be changed but when change involves other you get no satisfaction nor move closer to where you'd like to be.

So there I sat wondering and trying to.figure out how to have a Happy Birthday. Most people said I should get gussied up and go out and meet people. Honestly I don't want to be too friendly and I'd rather not go down that road. I want to keep driving past that particular detour.

What does a "loner" do for their birthday?? The same thing I do every year: dread it to hell and back, think about how many fun birthdays I had, and when will I have another fun birthday.

Then I look at everyone who says they get happy birthday wishes from families and how the only family that worry about my birthday was my mother and father. Not that I don't appreciate that, I just expected that people who are my blood relatives would be happy that I was born and celebrate it and not damn it into the ground every year. Same goes for those who claimed to be friends, I couldn't get a bag of chips thrown my way let alone them do something nice for me.

Thus it never fails, I get excited for my.birthday to come and then it sucks or turns out like crap. Or in some rare cases like this year and a few others I find myself doing nothing. I just don't know what to expect any more.

Even as I sit here I'm baffled as to what to do. I know it's my day and what I would love to do isn't a possible. Even to fake it out would be hard. But I realized after seeing a bunch of fellow May 20th Birthday holders on Twitter that even though I may not get exactly what I want, I should still enjoy it. I may not get the bog old birthday party where everyone's happy to celebrate with and for me and honestly that may never come. I shouldn't forsake my own birthday for the less than pleasurable personalities of others.

So I may be at home today, I may go to the park, I may go to the porch and take a nap. It even sucks to be turning 26. But I'm going to look forward to it, even if it seems and sounds depressing. You win some and you lose some; in the end its all going to be worth it. I hope someday I can look back on this and say oh hey that's when it all finally came together (maybe lol).


For now my day will consist of me washing my hair, listening to good music and possibly blogging here and there lol.

Happy Birthday fellow May 20th Babies. I hope you all have a wonderful birthday too!