Not Much Use...

Have you ever been told how useless you are? That you don't serve a purpose? Or that you aren't what someone or some place is looking for?

I have. Many, many times. But never did I ever consider in my wildest nightmares that I would hear and it would hurt my heart so bad. To be told you serve no purpose to us because it's your fault is beyond fucked up. It's wrong and mean and even discriminatory. However it's legal and ok and nothing can be found wrong with it.


Wow.


So for those of you that don't know, I've been job seeking for years and years. It didn't really become a necessity until 3 years ago when I left college. Now thinking back on it, I was fresh out with a possible chance and I would've been screwed over anyway. However as my student debt that's 3/4 loans and the remaining is owing schools for leaving, it took an ugly turn. I ended up owing double what I took out, all for a school who not only felt my fathers death wasn't as important as their classes, who also refused me to make up my work and refused to honor my request to withdraw, that I spent 4 long grueling years at and never gained the first degree in ANYTHING—I owed everybody and their mama too. Through it all I didn't even get and I'm sorry.


So as life rolls on. I began to lose friendships I thought were solid as rock. Same people, I would always hear would be the best friends to have and make networking and being "in the know" the greatest experience ever for a young adult to have. Well they didn't even let me finish spelling the word "network" before they dropped me like a bad ass habit. I knew and felt it was wrong but I let it go and moved on. Then I had friends who meant the world to me, screw me over in all positions. Damn shame when you've got to pay your friends to go out with you. But as soon as the money is gone—shoot, it's like you were nothing more than illusion. Twisted, I know. Then I ended up in adult situations, I myself aren't too proud of and I got hurt real bad and can't shake the feeling of either of them. They say all good things come in 3. Well so do the bad things and let me tell you, it can do some serious damage to your whole body. Once it does, it's so hard to get back up.


So something in me told me I need to settle down. I need to reevaluate my life and get my shit together. Maybe in one sense it was a good experience to go through. But I wouldn't wish anybody end up pregnant by a man who really didn't care—false or true. It's a hard pill to swallow.


However things change for a reason. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it was for the best to not be pregnant. Then again if it hadn't had happened I wouldn't've been able to have an open clear mind and focus on what was for the best not just for a future possibility, but for me as well. I already knew, I had to depend upon myself. Hell, I'm an only child. I had to grow up badly too many times which posed a negative impact on my life whether I liked it or not. But all in all, I would do all those things over again, because finally becoming an adult—it's by far the worse experience I've ever had. It makes me want to cry, but what would that solve? There's no one who could console me. There's no one to tell me it's gonna be alright. There's not even that slightest bit of hope, that says don't give up, try one more time it's void to work this time around. Nothing. Just that deafening silence that drives most people crazy, but it's the only place I feel most comfortable in.


So what exactly happened to make me go all emo and need a serious nap on Tuesday??


Well, I had been applying for jobs for the past 5 months, nonstop working hard, looking actively. I tried my damnedest. Bust my ass. Everywhere I turned, I got ignored o this nasty email about how they refuse to hire me, no explanation why or how come. Nothing. Thinking about what happened pisses me off at the thought I wasted my time and lost good sleep all for nothing. So I applied to a slew of places. Restaurants, stores of all kinds, offices of all different backgrounds. Places near and far. Nothing. Made no sense to me. I decided to call two of the places about 1-2 weeks ago and ask why I wasn't going to be consider for employment. The first place which was a fabric and arts and craft store, that woman said she didn't know they sent out emails like that. So we suggested I call this number and ask them why. Nice way to avoid the situation, huh? The second place, Target, since the two closest to me refuse to hire anybody at any given time. So I applied to the next two that weren't close by, neither we're they extremely far away. Got an email saying they refuse to accept my application and refused to hire me. Well why?? Nothing, no reason. Not even Mary had a Little Lamb story. I called, and after a run around with their main corporate costumer service, I was finally top to go I the store personally and ask them. So I asked if I could call instead and she said I could. I did. Both places had a story as to why I couldn't talk to the human resources person. One said their HR left early and to call back and try again. The other store said their HR was too busy and to give them y name and number and someone will call me back. That was a week or so ago like I said. Never got a call. So while being out and about today I decided to call. I finally got someone.


I asked this woman why I was declined for employment. After this back and forth about how she never heard my name before and couldn't recall ever hearing my name. She asked me if I was in high school. No. She asked if I was in college. No. So then she said well when are you available to start? I told her immediately. She said no you don't understand. I meant time wise. Like tomorrow morning or what. Then she said no, you don't understand what I'm asking you. I said apparently not, what are you trying to ask me. She said well are you available to work here at the store from 8am to 11pm. I said well I wouldn't say 8am maybe 9am at the earliest. She asked to 11pm and I said no maybe to 7pm or 8pm. Then se said well that's the reason why. What's the reason??


The woman said it was because I didn't say I was available between 8am and 11pm, be available on weekends and holidays too. She said that the time I said I could be available wasn't good enough. Because they have a rotating shift and I may have to open the store, work morning, mid-day, afternoon, evening, and closing the store. I told her that I would also be catching the bus and she said well that was the second reason why I couldn't work there. We don't hire people who have to catch the bus and if you can't reconsider that then you can never work here. Oh really??

So I said well why does the application ask for times you'll be available for if you want people to work 8am to 11pm?? She said it was so they could sift through the people like me and hire only the people available 7 days a week, holidays included, from 8am & 11pm. I told her that I could only come during the day because I help and take care of my sick disabled mom. I get someone maybe for the day but the evening and nights would be hard. She said well then that's your third problem.

She might as well should've said well it sucks for you, oh well—Ta Ta for now.


I was speechless. What exactly could I say to that. So I began to wonder and think. It that the reason why I haven't be able to get work? It's because I don't have reliable transportation? That maybe one day our poor car will break down and I will have to resort back to catching the bus?? Or that gas has is too damn expensive to get for the busted up old car? Isn't that discrimination? So I asked the Internet douches known as Yahoo Answers. They all said no, well it's unfortunate you can't work during that time. Or how the store has specific hours to abid by and how they need people who can work those hours and if you can't you're of no use to them. You're useless.


Would you call an infant useless because it doesn't know how to walk at six months?

Would you call a high school student inadequate or useless because they don't know how to write a business proposal?

Is our president considered useless or inadequate for not being ready for presidency when he was sworn in?



But I guess those things don't matter. If you don't have the money, power or respect you're useless. Hell helium has more more of an use than you do and we're all of it.


So there I sat in the parking lot trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I was told I was useless. My feelings are hurt bad. I wasted precious months for nothing. Because I refuse to work when they want. That's bullshit. I feel sorry for the kids coming out of college, and those who have yet to grown up into this ugly world. You prepare them and want them to make something of themselves. Just like my parents wanted and expected of me. But to be told I'm useless and serve no purpose—not just in the work force, but in society, in this world period. I serve no purpose and how useless I am. Damn, why not kill me before I was born here?? It's funny how our fates are sealed and set in stone and there's nothing you can do about it to correct, change or fix it.


So here I am 25 year own grown woman. I have no choice but to watch my life go down the tube all because of events I had no control over. Depression ain't even the word I'm feeling right now. No words can express how I feel.


Maybe one day, I'll wake up and this will all be just a dream or fucked up nightmare. Maybe I'm just kidding myself because I no longer know what to truly to do for myself. This is by far the hardest fall, hit and knock down I've ever been dealt. I can't seem to pull myself back up to my feet no matter how much I struggle and try. I had to even ask myself, is it worth even applying to jobs if I'm going to be turned down at the door??


I'm more than disappointed, disgusted and unhappy.


But until it's my time to go, I'll do what I do best and wait for the end to embrace me—A Useless Human Being.