25DOB | Day 13

"Caution: Too Trusting"

I've always been the type of person to trust a person easily without getting all the needed information. I would open myself up emotionally and tell people my feelings and secrets and such. Because I felt or maybe I was blinded by the fact that they were nice enough to me I could have a small, if any at all, connection with them and build some type of relationship. However it never turned out that way and they used my kindness and forgiveness as a weapon against me. 


When I finally learned that I was the escape goat or the jackass left with the bag standing there in oblivion. Not only would my feelings be deeply hurt, but I was mad at myself. The reason why every time something like this happened to me, I would always tell myself never again. Unfortunately I never paid that piece of advice any attention and it always happened again and again and again. 


I think though, now, I've grown tired of putting such good faith in people. People I expect won't hurt, misuse or abuse me. Are the same exact people who let me down every time and it always gives me this bitter taste in my mouth. Because it does piss me off lol. However I guess the camel's back was broken when everyone I trusted or felt sorta close to, just turned me around and started back stabbing me. In one fell swoop, I lost best friends, got put in adult situations I wasn't ready for, had people I barely knew mistreat me and family I always expected to love and protect me who not only turned their backs on me but disowned me and told me how they really felt about me. I mean damn, in my deepest darkest moment where I need a little bit of love, a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell me everything's gonna be ok—I was dropped faster than a life long habit. And let me tell you that hurt like hell. 


But because of that and this, when I become bitter or have an attitude about something. People want to say how I'm being so insensitive and how I'm such a bitch or I'm so evil, mean and nasty. What?? Did you expect that all the mistreatment you've been giving me would still make me a happy bunny?? No. I don't think so! 


What I find so sad in all this. Now I have to sit there and stare and people and wonder will this person hurt me one day?? Will they kick me to the curb after they've used every ounce of my energy?? Or will I just be a quick side job or a second option when shit doesn't go their way??? You can't live life that, but what other choice do you have. You've had people give you a hard time and fuck it up for you. To the point you're reluctant and hesitant to even try. Before trying was the best part. You gave your best and you could be contented and happy with it. Now if you do, you're knocked down whether you did a great job or a horrible one. It's funny how these people forget these things or what I say they remember but they feel youll always be a dumbass for the rest of your life. 


It's a good thing people change right?? 




I may have to doubt people and avoid getting so close to them personally. Only because I've been hurt so much and I refuse to be a bitter somebody. However I know the people who are close to me, that are good to me whom I love to death. And I plan to keep those people around me forever. 




They all always get the very best of me. 




While the others—they'll just have to accept me at my worse and if that's too harsh for them. They need to realize it wasn't just 1 or 2 or even 5 people that hurt me. Hell I don't have enough hands to count on all the people who hurt me. You can consider that and think about why I may seem so mean and nasty and untrusting of all people. 






Sad but true. 




But also in the same token maybe one day that might change....maybe.