Hey May | Adieu Avril

So lot of >broken promises< huh?? I kno I kno....had my PLATE a lil too full, I do believe and now that it's empty....I'm actually at a lost for words, or even better, as to what to truly say...


So I had said it's going to be DIY month & was gonna explain the new TAGS & LABELS and I was gonna do this and I was gonna do that, so on and so forth but I didn't. It seemed like April just FLEW the hell by me and even tho I was excited for May to come (coz of the bday) it seemed like I was preoccupied with something else what?? I have no clue or an idea. All I know is that, well....

Lemme start from the beginning.

So besides my mother always on my ass & us never seeing eye to eye. I still had to get her a bday present and mother day present and I did so. But even when I try my best to be a good daughter it's always looked upon as a "suck-up" or a "brown nosing kiss ass". But that's not the case and whateve can't you can't change ppl to your liking rite and unfortunately I wish that was a rule we all as human beings could live by (=..=). Anywayz Im sitting here looking at my life like is it even worth finishing school up?? Attempting to make it work so I can be that better successful more independent person that I'd hope would mold me into THAT WOMAN ya kno??

After a few back an forths with my so called school. I started thinking again like WTF is up with this school that I never get a response back or when I do get one it's like a lil kid was sending out mock emails or something, ya kno?? So you kno me I started googling my lil ass off trying to figure out what was up wit this school.......found nothing but NEGATIVITY—GOTS to be KIDDIN ME??? (rite?? WRONG!!). So I come to find out that the school is unaccredited and basically I was just doin this for FUN (>_<) talk about someone LIVID [2 degrees past PISSED]!!!!! So I quit the school I had in the mean time, been looking at online schools sayin to myself 'Oh I'll give it another SHOT *clicks tongue*' I had more DUDS & Scams intended to have!! I didn't find shit!! Found one school but $40000 is outta the question (plus that's 2times my debt [+_+]).


Which leads to now—The PREZANT....I tried thinking of ways to correct this but I'm plum outta ideas & thoughts. So then I resorted back to my bad thoughts. And I said to myself it is an >option< no lie but do I really & truly want to go thru with it?? What about my birthday. What about my pictures and poems I've yet to publish or show to the world?? But then again would anyone care about Ms. LéRue??



Now for a LONG time now I've been havin these weird blank dreams last real dream I had actually had to be way before thanksgiving maybe even as far back as Halloween. But I had a dream Thursday night. My mother & I had been arguing over something petty as usual. & I went to bed mad that night disgusted. Nothing unusual tho.

The dream I had was about my dad. At the beginning of the dream it was wintery like. My dad had taken me to the store to get something. & he was outside waiting for me. There he was with those olive green corduroy pants he always liked to wear with those tan colored boots. His dark brown winter coat and that ugly hat he loved *lol*. He was outside with my mother talking to my cousin. Later on in the dream we were at this place a restuarant type of place. It was a wonderful sun shiny day full of happiness. There were these tables & benches like the ones at bistro or amusement park. The ones where the umbrella pops up in the middle of it?? These were a lemon chiffon typa yellow. We sat there happy as my dad pulled out this present bag. You know the ones you stick the gifts in and give to people. And my dad pulled out a baseball cap (fitted) it was black red & yellow he gave it to my mother. Then he took out this gray rasta beanie that had a duck bill to it. It wasn't my thing or my style but it made me happy because it was from >Him<. Even though I couldn't hear anything I could see the happy wonderful conversation happening. Then my dad looked at me and said, "Saun, look over there.' Happily I turned my head thinking I would find something exciting or maybe it was a joke. All I saw was more sunshine and what seemed like to be a little garden of flowers. But when I looked back my father was gone. My mother was gone. My world started going all dark full of gray and black. My feelings were to think I was tricked into seeing my father. But even worse I was teased into thinking I could keep him. As I sat there trying to push back tears I couldn't help but notice something. It was a little girl sitting in a stroller. She was a pretty little girl. With the brightest eyes I've ever seen, too mesmorizing to be real. As she sat there and stared at me, I couldn't help but stare back. Then she tilted her head and said, "Mama." I cracked my eyes open because I knew there was no way she was mine. She couldn't be, and I didn't want her to be. I won't allow it. I forbid her to be my daughter.


But...

All of that has been on my mind. That little girls face is plaguing my mind. Last night's dream was like a 5 second clip but whoever he was, he called me by a different name...but I did answer. He seemed so distance like a stranger I've never met. Yet he felt so familiar, even more so when he held like we had been lovers since a past life. That one got interupted when I got woken up.

It was strange quite honestly. Neither of the dreams make since to me, especially now since it had been so long since I had a normal nights dream. But also too it's not the first time I had a dream about my so called future children. Yes children a few times were about boys or a boy & a girl or my being pregnant. But this time it was weird it felt to real and hit home a little too much for me. I don't know.



But that was April rite??? But why would drag over to May you ask?? Hmmph I been asking myself the same question. Even tho it happened to mess up my groove. I was happy but then it made me think. May's coming and I've been home for a year I've had nothing but hard bad luck and horrible consequences. What am I going to do with myself?? I'm broke, educated but lacking a paper (=..=) and I'm extremely unhappy. But talking to certain people they don't know what it's truly like to hurt and to remain that way.

Currently I'm hoping that maybe at least I'll be able to get a break to have someone say, "Well well let's give her a try she seem like she has a lot of talent & a lot of possibilities" *lol* that would make me (^_^) happy. But also I can't have what I want. But ido have a feelings that those dreams that I had.....are telling me what *I NEED* and then again maybe it's something that I've never consider that I can't place my finger on....that I'll soon learn about.


But either way, I've decided that I have a story to write & I'm going to call it: The Daughter with the Heart made of Broken Glass ......so look for that as well as keep looking for the Labels Meanings Posts & a few others. I'm going thru a rough time but since I have a few of you that are >devoted< (^_^) I truly appreciate it and I'm going to keep writing ok?? Just BARE wit Wish and like I said:


Just like your music on Shuffle I'll give you The Best Unpredictably ;D




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Wish



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