Reason 2: It’s Ok To Be A Screw Up

So one thing, that I feel I’m a professional in is screwing up. Whether it’s Big Time or Royally—I’m a pro at it. The craziest part about it all is the fact that it used to bother me a lot. Because other people were bothered by my mistakes or human errors or screws ups. I used to feel bad for disappointing them and making them feel some sort emotion whatever that is. In a weird way, I do understand. You put your hopes and dreams into a person place them on the highest pedestal and have exaggeratedly high expectations—only to be let down HARD and be emotional. So yeah, I get that. However, why do we even do that? We never as people accept someone for who they are and what they bring to the table. We always expect more, want to change them or live in this fantasy world. But that can’t be. Because then you’re not even getting what you want, because of course over time people change, wants change, even needs change. Yet it’s our first go-to as a human when being mutually involved with another human being. It’s crazy!

 

Anyway. Knowingly disappointing people made me feel bad, real bad. I would be depressed or mope around. Probably cry in a corner somewhere over it lol. I hated it because I felt like everyone around me wanted me to be someone that I wasn’t or didn’t feel comfortable in being. I felt like I was being forced to be someone I didn’t know and I had no say in the matter of it.  Whether it was by my parents, family, friends or potential “boyfriends” I felt like I had to change into a LeSans that was more aesthetically pleasing to them. Forget about how I felt or what I wanted. 

 

It was until I gotten older, in college I screwed up bad. My dad was pissed. Even when I felt the only way to fix the issue was to leave college, he told me no. Well later I told my mom about my issue then with my dad she told me we’ll you should’ve dropped out that would’ve shown him. I’m like WHUT?! What do you mean? She said well if you didn’t like it or didn’t feel comfortable you can always leave a situation no matter what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. He wasn’t there so he can’t say if it was hard or difficult. But he can’t tell you to do something if you felt it wasn’t right. Which was weird coming from her. But she was right. Sometimes we can’t focus on the outcome or the other person’s feelings, we come first, we make mistakes, we screw up. Until we learn to embrace that quirk we can never be ok with anything else in life. We’ll be too focus on what someone else will say or how they’ll feel. 

 

So guess what? I’m a college dropout from an Ivy League school (more of a flunkie), I’ve been pregnant on several occasions (much to my chagrin) luckily not a mom trying hard to keep it that way. I’m always in a new job whether I quit or lose it, I stay for maybe a year or so lol. I fucked up on my bills like ALL THE TIME. Even fucked up royally with the IRS. I’ve messed up friendships trying to be a friend or being too submissive. I got fucked over by fuck boys in every way and form possible. I’m a disappointment to my family, friends hate me and men can’t stand me. I’m what they call a bitter ass old cat lady and you know what??? I love every single moment of it. I have no one to please but myself. I know I’m a screw up and I make sure that I don’t try to be too hard on myself. If I make a goal I try to stick with it, if I don’t oh well no biggie. I’ll try again next time, hopefully tomorrow. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Neither should you.

 

So next time someone throws a major fit on you because you were being human, you tell that obnoxious prick to fuck off because if you did it to them they would be ever so emotionally dramatic will the fall out. Let them know you’re proud to be a screw up. 

Reason 1: Growing Up A Decade Is Hard To Do

It’s funny when I hear someone say that they did so much growing within a year. Which I can say I was guilty of that too. However now I’m a little older I disagree with it. A lot of things can happen in a year and even though we think we might have grown up some or changed within that time frame. I don’t think that’s it. We may do one thing differently and feel it’s growth. In some cases that one small thing isn’t as big as an impact as we believe it is. It’s like saying you’re going to stop eating chips but continuing eating candy. Not all changes are good changes or what’s best for you. I did find out that within an Decade a lot can happen. It’s long term focus that we tend to ignore a lot of the time.

 

 

I can say that 10 years ago I never thought THEN that my life would turn out like this. It never crossed my mind nor was a random scenario in my head either. I never thought at 21 that I’d be 31, with cats, single, struggling to survive and still trying to figure life out. I thought then I would be married with kids possibly working living happily with my family and parents. Even though things didn’t work out the way I thought or planned. Life took a different direction. Went through loss, heartache, breakdowns and even was so distraught I wanted to end it all because I felt like I didn’t belong and had no purpose. However all those feelings and experience brought me to where I am now. I’m proud of myself of making it this far. In this year I was able to reflect on the last 10years and all the situations and experiences that followed.

 

I learned that surviving on my own would be a challenge. I learned taking on responsibilities like the house, bills and other expenses would be a challenge. I found out friends aren’t really looking to be your friends. I learned that when someone claims to love you doesn’t mean they really do. Family isn’t supportive and sometimes the plan you worked so hard to turn into a goal isn’t what you wanted or what was best for you in the first place. I must say the last 10years have been a bumpy ride. However I hope that with all that the next decade(s) will be my serenity. I don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over again. I want to be able to prosper. To define my life and create even a smudge in history, even if it’s short-lived. I want to marvel at becoming 40 or 50 or 60. Now I might be getting older but that doesn’t mean I got to carry the burden of the past 10years or so with me and taint the next decade. I think 31 is a perfect turning point. I have 30years to make things right or least decent. I plan on living to the fullest and enjoying every single moment of it too.

31 Reasons

Hi Kids!

 

So I decided to take some inspiration from “13 Reasons Why” and create 31 Reasons Why. Not so much in the negative or sad state. But in a positive state and hopefully be able to inspire someone or prompt you all to do the same thing. And what exactly is different about the 31 Reasons Why?? A Lot. It’s nothing to do with suicide nor am I knocking it in anyway or form. Since I turned 31 this past Sunday, I spent a lot of time these last few weeks and months reflecting on my life, myself and goals I would like to accomplish as I continue to grow. A lot has happened and some of the things I’ve experienced took a bigger toll on me, others blew me completely away and I was never ready for the outcome of it.

 

Turning 31 has definitely been interesting. Even though I feel like I’m 92 honestly. My bones and everything aches like a motherfucker but what can you do? I tolerate it because I don’t want to smell like Bengay or Icy Hot lol. I can say this has been a really decent birthday in a long time. So that made me very happy. It also got me thinking about a few things, which is how I got to this point. I wanted to reflect on the things I’ve learned this last year or so. Things I hope for in the years to come. And also on how much I have and will be growing. It hit me heavy but it opened my mind and gave me a small but loud wake up call.  I was going to jot these down as small posts but eventually changed my mind and decided to make them more detailed and in depth. 

 

So I’ll be posting at least once or twice a day for this and I hope you all enjoy this little journey. It’s gonna be fun! Now what I will do is make a list at the bottom so if you happened to come in later on (which is fine, better late than never!) you can click on the topic and not have to sift through all the posts on here lol.

 

 

Reason 1

Happy Mama’s Day

I just wanna wish all the mommies [and daddies] out there a very Happy Mother’s Day. May you all have many more and may your children appreciate you even more!! Cherish one another because one day it’ll just be another Sunday...

This Is Gambino

This video left me stunned and hyped up. I love it!!