Indecisive

Hi kids!!

I missed you guys so!! 

Every time I wanted to write something I either got distracted or just didn’t have the emotional gumption to do so. 

I’ll recap what happened since I lost my job  And let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy. But that’s for later. Technically I kind of want to talk about that and my other jobs. Not in full detail though. 

Last year this time I got a call to go work at the one place I worked so hard to get to. It was all I ever wanted. It was the place my dad worked at. It was everything I dreamed of. I quit two jobs for this opportunity. Even though the one person that would’ve been proud of me had passed on; I was proud of me. And I felt then it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. 

But I found out I was wrong. So very, very wrong. What I once created in a dream of happiness and longing. Was actually the worst nightmare. I haven’t felt that dumbfounded since my ex told me he didn’t want our baby. Like it was a 360 I didn’t expect. I was flabbergasted. I was miserable, unhappy and so disappointed in myself. Even though I was so happy to leave that place. But I left there lost. 

When I left that job in March I felt I would find something else and move on. But it was hard to move. I had a time finding a job and during my 7months of unemployment I had several additional issues of my own negligence that weighed in and made it more difficult. I was frustrated, hurt and so emotionally torn. I wanted to go back to work. But what did I want to do? I love customer service but I hated how it all goes sometimes. I don’t want to be busting ass and I get a “Atta-Girl” or a “Good Job” and I’m still making that same $9 with accolades. I don’t want that. I want opportunities available. Just in case I change my mind and want to try something else or something new. And as I spent those last few weeks panicking and spazzing out. I finally got a new job that I felt out of place and hesitant over. But I took it as a risk so I could take care of myself.  

So now when I look back on my year. Last year I was so hopeful and excited and definitely got ahead of myself. Only to fall on my ass and find out it wasn’t what was best for me. 

But not once did I second guess myself. Because I tried. It didn’t work. It hurt and took me 7months to get over the fact of it. However I’m in this new job, met some wonderful people, learned some new things. And I’ve reflected on myself. 

There are times in life where you make or made a decision that was the right decision at the time. And sometimes you’ve had the best intentions possible. However it went south, caught you off guard and now your staggering around trying to figure what happened. But sometimes god or higher power gives you what you want so you realize what you need. You might want something really really bad. But you get it and it nothing like you thought because you needed to brought back to reality. While you were sitting there wanting and focusing on that goal. Doing everything in your might to get that in your hands. Higher power was not about to interrupt you. He never interrupts your hard justified work. He promotes you to strive and work harder and kick ass. However you get it and it’s nothing like you thought. Then you’re hurt, mad and upset—But remember it was all for a reason honey. Because how can He be so rude and interrupt your focused. Even if he did you would not have heard him. You would’ve been to focus to listen to the whisper tone. But now that everything’s fallen apart, you’re hurt, confused and asking god why me woe is me. Now he knows he has your undivided attention and can’t speak the ultimate wisdom into you. He can tell you now that wasn’t for you. He can tell you no you wouldn’t have heard me. No you wouldn’t have liked it if I interrupted your focus and shine. You would’ve been offended if he did. He tells you that. And yet he gives you another day, more hours and seconds to listen and follow the path that was created for you. Yes you’ve reared off it. We all have. However he finds a way to get you back on track. He shows you what’s important and what’s best for you. But he gives you the hope to try again, to be opened and to continue to find that greatness he already knows what’s inside of you. He doesn’t creat your happiness—you do. He just wants to marvel at the way you let it manifest and radiate from you. 

With that being said. Whether you’re religious or not. Never let a gal or stumble or whole ass fall apart in your life prevent you from finding your greatness. We all have them. But without that failure without that struggle—we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the end-result.