Misguided Desire

Lately I've been in this looped emotional roller coaster. Why exactly, I don't know. But what's weird about it is the fact that I keep flip flopping back and forth between what i want. That's it. It's crazy isn't it?? It's like one want is more important than the other want but they're both wants. It's like trying to stick to negative magnets together and hoping that they stick together or find a happy crooked medium. 

Lately, I've been pondering and thinking. I think it's mostly due to the fact that people are talking to me and telling me how I should feel about being single and how I should be coping with it by their standards of course and I'm over here like no. Don't tell me how I should feel or what I could or should be doing because that's how you think you'll react to my situation. You can't predetermine how you'll handle any situation for that matter. What's crazy is if you don't believe me just think of a situation you were in and how you had scenarios play in your head about how you should've handle it or what you could've said or whatever what if comes to mind. You can't even say well I'm going to handle it this way knowing damn well when the opportunity present itself most likely you won't. That's why I don't get people telling me that I'm lonely when I know I'm not. And when I voice that they basically try to force me to say in this admittance that I am lonely and I don't have a say to say otherwise. 

I think because of constantly hearing that lately it's got me feeling twisted. Like I have to question do I feel lonely?? Then I tell myself no, because I know I don't. Then I realize it's not so much of being lonely it's just lack of interaction. Which then led me to wanting my own family. 

Yeah. I want a family. But I don't want the husbands and kids because I want to stay single and be childfree. So I'm like between two wants and I don't know how to arrive at a happy medium between the two and what's funny is the fact that it's been weighing heavily on my brain for the last few weeks. Then I wondered if it was because I missed my parents?? No, I miss them, but not that much to slip into a depressive state. Then I think, I have my two kittens and fish right?? Whom I gladly call my kids and treat like my family. But it feels like my little family is lacking something. Or missing something. There's love and laughter and good and bad times but it's still missing something I can't see. It's like seen sunshine all over but the sun is hidden behind clouds.....and there's no overcast you know?? That's what it's like to me.

But the thought or joking up with a guy just doesn't interest me anymore. I tried but I don't like being led on and then dropped because I was never considered more than a temporary fixation in the first place. I was deemed a novelty and as soon as something better comes along, that's it for me. No ifs, ands or buts about it. 

Having a baby is out of the question. Men are assholes, donors cost too much money, and foster parent and adoption is unlikely because I need all this nonsense just to basically babysit someone else's child for a while or long time. Mostly you're getting a kid who's already acclimated to their parent and you're never going to be treated as parent. And the only way to get that is to get a newborn but mom's giving up newborns only want couples (or in stranger cases men) to raise their baby. It's like an un-winnable war. 

So then I'm like so I need another cat?? I'm like no. The whole introduction phase is way too much for me and adopting two more cats would be too expensive but I don't want the little kitten to be lonely or without a playmate or be third wheeled by the two I already got. 

Then it's like I dismiss it and I go back to me being cool with being single and super happy about it. But don't let me get a few moments to myself where thoughts can wander in and I'm back in the cycle all over again trying to decipher what it is that I truly want and I get confused all over again. 

Or maybe this is just apart of my journey as I live my life out by myself. I may have given up on men, but I just might meet a nice girl to have some sort of relationship with. But then again I may not even do that you know?? I know for sure I won't be meeting a nice guy anytime soon who's actually genuinely interested in me and even the thought of it is no longer a fairy tale like dream and more of a chore like why am I thinking this knowing damn well this won't happen?? And since I refuse to have kids after I turn 30 (which is almost 2 and half years away) theres no point really. I doubt men will mature in less than two years too lol. 

I think I need a new hobby or something that holds my interest enough to not let others sway my thoughts and I can enjoy the way my life is so far. And continue to enjoy it until it's my time to go too you know. 

Hopefully these unwarranted wants will go away, I just have to try my best to be as patient as I can be. 

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Ringtones

Hi kids!!

I know it's been a long time since i last posted something from the heart, soul and twisted mind of mine lol. But this will be quick.

So i've been noticing lately that it seems like there are tons of iPhone owners. Which I'm all like to each their own because we all have out preferences when it comes to stuff right?? But what's really weird about it all is the fact that we all seem to have that same iphone ringtone xylophone. Why?? There are more than enough to choose from but it seems like we all pick that one. It's been years since I came across something so crazy like this. I always wanted my own ringtone so I could identify my phone and wouldn't in a crowd of thousands trying to find out if that's my phone ringing or not. But how does one buy a phone that's costs a small fortune and they never consider buying a ringtone to set themselves differently from the rest?? It's like watching tons of penguins jumping off a cliff only because they too lazy to go down the trail to get to the bottom. I can understand if there was no other way or money was tight but if you got an otterbox case or something fancy and all those extras why don't you have a ringtone to identify your phone from everyone else's?? It's like dressing up and being flawless flashy and still be considered robotic either way. That's depressing.

Me personally I'm mad that I can't have my own ringtone and since I'm on the poor side buying one to make myself happy isn't an option. Plus my ringtones I do have are on my old computer which refuses to stay on for more than 5minutes. Drives me bonkers!!

Or maybe people do it to have a better connection with their fellow human being.....but whatever the reason it is, I think it's better to keep the phone on vibrate lol

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Never Trust These People

Window Shopped Bitterness

You ever felt a broken heart??

Trust me it's not a good feeling. Honestly I don't like feeling it either, least I can say I know what it's like. After this last time I'm through—I just can't deal.

I don't like when people window shop my feelings. You know what you can afford, what you need and what you want. If I don't fall within those categories, why are you acting like I have to go throuh the moments and deal with your bullshit?? Like window shopping is suppose to be ok. It's one thing trying to find out what you like in a person and what interests you all may have or even to later have a better judgement of people and what you need. But after a certain age you need to realize that it's time to get your priorities straight and what you want and need in your life. 

That's like going to the grocery store, going straight to the ice cream section grabbing a gallon of ice cream. Then going shopping around the whole store for 3 hours. By the 4th hour you're ready to check out and you put everything in your cart on the belt except for the ice cream and then you ask the cashier for a subtotal before you add on the ice cream and then she tells you it's $100. You tell her to add the ice cream and then give you another subtotal which is now $104 but you tell her you only have $100 and you don't what the ice cream and to void it off and check out happily. However what the fuck is suppose to be done with the ice cream now?? It's melted, soupy and gross. Putting it back into the freezer will not make it go back to the solidfied state it was in when you first picked it up and now it's just a mess. But the worst part about it is, they do stick it back into the freezer and expect it to be the same. Now everytime someone picks up that ice cream not only do they want to return it and not deal with it, it become this back and forth item that goes from cold to heat and remains in this useless state. 

That's what men do. The pick a woman, lead her on tells her shit that he thinks she'll react positively too, make promises, attempt for sex with her and in either case when he's done window shopping her he puts her back on the shelf and walks away with this unchanged and nonchalant attitude of how he isn't bothered or unhappy. Yet he left that woman scarred and feeling disenchanted. What's the worst part is that's how a bittter woman is born. But no one blames the man or says the man is the cause of her bitterness It's her fault for expecting something that wasn't there. How the fuck am I suppose to know he's not interested when he's telling me and acting like he's interested??? That's contradictory as fuck. Honestly it pisses me off.

Don't treat me like some common whore and go above and beyond in your act to get my attention when you're not fully interested in the first place. But the last time I checked I wasn't a mind reader, so I don't know what the fuck it is that you want or need if you don't express that to me.

After this last time, with the last few men I've talked to I'm just not interested. I'm tired of being window shopped or told I'm not good enough or what they want but they still feel a need to "test drive me"  if you're looking to make it work with me I'm not interested. I'm disgusted not so much with the last guy whom I found out deleted me off his facebook wih no rhyme or reason (and that's perfectly ok) but it's the fact I decided to give you a chance and you saying it could and would work between us and ending to somehow being my fault. That got me disgusted with myself, because here I am already hurt and broken and used and I decided to give hima chance and open up and change my routine. I still got burnt in the end. I'm like why did I waste 4 months with you and on you to still end up hurt in the end or told some petty ass excuse about why we can't be together. Whoa whoa, who put that thought in my head in the first place?? Who was talking about relationships and shit....you. Not me. But it's like men don't own up to doing that, they feel better about themselves I guess if they blame other people. But when they do that they'll always be miserible and won't know how to cope with the world today. But I guess that doesn't matter either because everyone doesn't genuinely care about shit anymore.

But all I know is that i refused to be window shopped. My heart will remain closed until people genuinely want to come into my life and make a difference and they have to want to stay and if not then you will be esscorted out because I refuse to put up with the emotional bullshit. 

I rather be single, lonely and slightly bitter woman who despised men. Then to continuously let men come into my life who have no interest in staying with me in the first place. I'm a detour until you get on the road you want. I'm not going to be window shopped until the skank you want goes on sale. I refuse to participate. I also know I won't be so unhappy over someone else miserableness.