Hi you guys!!
SO HERE I IS happy as a gopher who got a slice of GrandMammy's boysenberry pie all smothered, covered and dipped in Honey Love Sauce.
Or in other words I'm happy!!
Hehehehehehe
I got two emails today for my job lol. Sad though I wasn't prepared XD. But quick thinking helped me and it pulled through nicely. Even tho one was a reject I was still happy someone saw and took the time to look.
And for now imma talk about some things about this webcam modeling....
*ahem*
When we hear the word webcam model or webcam girl. We immediately think of some crazy teen or early 20-something year old takin her clothes off and fucking (yes I said fucking or sexing or masturbating call it what you want) so inanimate object or some guy or performing a blowjob or something lewd and nasty. That's TAPED and posted to these porn sites or webcam sites you gotta pay an arm and leg for. With crazy hair in the face, poor lighting, some are MADE UP like a clown; while others don't have enough make up on. But they act or seem so happy. And all we can say is:
"Like really bitch? Really?? Are you really that happy?? You need to go to the backyard and kill yourself for being so filthy and nasty and lewd–blah blah yadda yadda!"
Women are pissed their men are wanking off to these "broads."
And it goes on and on and ON.
TRUST ME I KNOW made no sense. It frowned upon. And while growing up you learn this is what you gotta do. You frown upon things like this lol. I dunno why you just do.
But I will say this: like every book has a different cover, that holds a much more different or intriguing story....
So do the webcam models. Even the strippers.
It's not like they do this because they want. I mean yea sure there's that one section of crazy butts who do. But not all of them. They have their reasons for doing so. And imma say it doesn't necessarily make them a bad person.
At some point. Imma be one of those people. Yea it scares me to death to think of what people will say or how they will feel. But honestly, in all honesty, I can't worry about that. I want to do better. And if this is the best I can do right now then so be it ya kno??
So let us talk and for those of you just meeting me you'll get to know me in the next few minutes or so. About who I am & why exactly I'm on the road to webcam girl stardom.
I grew up with my family. Just me, and my mom and my dad. In a single family home my parents brought wayyyy before I was born (mama had me LATE in life damn near a senior citizen when she & daddy had me lol). Just us three. And my parents suffered a lot of hardships but still had each other and then me when I came along. Everything was happy and good. Then my dad got involved in helping the community and schools because he was a nice person. Even though it took time away from me and made me bitter and jaded toward people. That's just the way he was. Bitter?? & Jaded you say?? Well unfortunately the people in the community didn't appreciate his hell and kicked him in his ass (something like JoePa & Penn State).
So I entered high school with intent on graduating and going to college. I wanted to be a teacher. And going to college was what it meant to truly be SUCCESSFUL ya kno?? My parents said that was my main priority. And plus "guys" love smart girls and girls who are successful and you'll get married and be all Princess like. The whole Nine Yards!! So it was a good great motivation. Even though I was silent, timid and so sweet I gave people diabetes (lol). I really didn't have the self-esteem or courage or common sense. Trust me if the PedoBear was offering candy hugs and smiles I'd be there XD LMFAO!! Even had friends who wronged me or treated me badly. I was bullied and wanted to drop out of school. Even had an eating disorder problem. But I didn't care, none of that mattered because I hoped for a BETTER FUTURE all that stuff my parents told me made it all worth it. So I worked hard studying, part time jobs, volunteering and participating in extra curricular activities—EVERYTHING!!
So when the time came to go to college I picked out one I was in love with since I was a little girl. My parents said no. (And I'll admit I'm happy they did so) However the more letters I got the more I wanted to GO ANYWHERE. UCLA, Washington-Jefferson, North Carolina A&T, Miami State, NYU & the list goes on and on. I got accepted to Duke & Boston all because my Merits were good. A 4.0GPA, I even had the chance to go to Harvard if I wanted to.
Unfortunately my senior year, March 23, 2005 my mom had to have brain surgery. She had blood clots. All I could think of was dropping out of school, forgetting college and helping my Dad. Because I knew he would need help. But I was told no because College was more important and if there's a will there's a way. So instead of going where I wanted I had to pick the next best thing. I picked Penn State. 1 it was closest to home 20minutes away. 2 well my school wouldn't sign my papers so I could go to college and that's the only place I could go. However I was accepted to the school I wanted to go to but by that time it was too late. In all honesty I hated Penn State. Spent a summer up there for Nanofabrication Technology.....yea I was dork then. But the people were rude, the dorm we lived in was gross and it was not fun at all (T_T) very depressing but that's how the cookie crumbles.
So I went to Penn State and did pretty good my first semester. Participated in small on campus activities and made a few friends. But I wasn't happy.
And long story shortened. Changed my major 7 times before I knew I wanted to go into visual communications. Found out I taken classes for majors that we're removed. Had crazy advisors and more fights with "professors" than with kids. Had horrible roomies and just down right got tired of hearing you're never going to graduate. The whole while working jobs on top of jobs. Having a slutty cousin as a roommate and lookin for her ass. Being allergic LITERALLY to people. They wanted to put me out saying I was a bad student. They judge me for going to an all black minority school and for what my dad was doing to help the community I lived in. It became frustrating. And turned me into a nasty person. They put me in counseling to ease my "unsettledness and correct my behavior." But I will say it was well worth it or so I thought.
Now in the midst of this. My dads car got shot up in this street violence. Totaled completely and we were car-less for a year and he took some savings to buy a piece of used junk car. Because of that took away some of my aid. I'm workin two jobs and so was he. And he tended to my sick mother.
In my junior year 2007 I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and Graves Disease. I have a goiter too. I was so sick that I missed a lot of school, missed a lot of sleep was restless. And ended up failing because my teachers had deceived me into believing they would "give me a break and help me out" they didn't. I had to repeat. I even ended up on financial and academic probation. However I knew about my financial aid probation, but when I ask the school if I was on academic probation they told me and my dad NO YOU ARE NOT.
2008 I'm repeating my senior year. I'm mad and bitter I'm on medication for the rest of my life, couldn't have one drink on my 21st birthday and found out its a possibility I couldn't have children of my own.
"So what exactly am I working for?? What was it that I wanted so badly??"
I tried hard to remember but couldn't.
On November 27, 2008 Thanksgiving day. On break had a great time with the family while I spent it making up homework and missing out on sleep. My dad suffered a seizure and massive heart attack. I tried hard to bring him out of it. But couldn't. He died. November 28, 2008 would be the weirdest day I ever experience this far in my whole life.
My dad was gone. The love of my life, my world-MY EVERYTHING!! There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me, no I was never spoilt. Even though people perceived so. I wasn't. But he was good to me. He made me happy and I never thought, never let it cross my mind he would leave. Except for once. When my mom was in surgery I thought I would lose her too. He would grieve himself into death and I'd be a 17 year old orphan. Because my family never really loved me or cared and they still don't (go figure right).
So here I was lost my dad, my mom is sick angry and frustrated and confused. And I'm moving 2 hours away to Altoona. I did move. I hated bein there lonely, friendless and partially homesick. Stressed so much hair was turning gray lol. Dyed it a honey blonde started cussing like a sailor and still sat there wondering,
"Why am I here? Why?? 3 more years and I can be done. Ok I can do it"
But I couldn't. And found out after skipping classes. Missing school for my dad's funeral. I failed. I was on academic probation. I got kicked out of my major. They told me it would take 7 years to work itself out and I could graduate then. Well wait a minute—What about the 4years I already got here??
What about them? They said.
And to make matter worse my one cousin was playing mind games. He would tell my mom he would come get me from college. But then turn around tell me she didn't know who was coming to get me. So after 6 months of torture and living with crazies. I decided I wanted to leave and never go back and find a new school.
Well no one, NO ONE would accept my credits damn near 80credits and no school would accept them. Some colleges said I would have to start over from the beginning. O_o excuse me?? Others said I could never attend their college because I went to Penn State. Like wtf c'mon now.
And I ended up at Phoenix University online with "unseen" crazies and then Kaplan. Kaplan was too hard to get to so I left. Then to an unaccredited joint called Stratford.
Then one day I got talked into Bidwell Training School. But they wanted me to dress up in heels and skirts. My hair couldn't be colored. My piercings and tattoo wasn't allowed and my style of dress was inappropriate. Buying shoes for that place let me know that was a OH HELL NO!! So I went back to Kaplan with a pretty good mind set. And I stayed the whole time this time ^_^ but they put me out for not having money and being late to school. Um well hello I gotta walk 30mins to the bus stop, 30-60mins on the bus and then another 45-60min walk to the school building. I'm waking up at 3am to get to school on time. Not to mention some creep tried to pick me kidnap me one morning smh!!
Now in the mean time I ended up meeting a guy and FALLIN HARD in L-O-V-E with HIM. Yup yawl remember the mailman right?? Lol if not might I suggest going back lol. Unfortunately he turned out married. He never told me. Found out on the net on my own, found out his wife was friends with another cousin I ain't too fond of. (Ｔ＿Ｔ) Bitch was talkin bout how my piercings and stuff was nasty. Like what please I went on my own all the time. I didn't need mamma to go with me YA HEARD MEH!
*Ahem*
So being in love. I knew it wasn't an infatuation or crush. I had those and bounced back so gracefully the swans on the lake was hella jeally!! But I truly was in love. He was that material. That friend, best friend, boyfriend, lover, fiancé, husband, daddy material. Even though he wasn't perfect he was perfect to me and for me. It wasn't looks but he was good to me so guess that's why I can only be but so mad with him. But I loved him. Unrequitedly and all.
But in the heartbreak I hooked up with a girl. Was happy and will admit she's the first one I loved like a first love love not like LOVE ya kno?? But I guess the Novelty that was I grew old and she threw me to her best friend who I used for sex only. That's all he meant to me. Honestly. He asked if he could have my heart and stuff and I said no it was taken. And it was he assumed by her. But it wasn't it was the Married Mailman–unfortunately. He misunderstood and began to dog me. And I found out that he and my girlfriend used to date before his best friend took her from him. Also he was mad that his baby mama, yes another chick, was hooked up with a guy younger than me. And I was 23 at the time. Very very ugly. And so long story short. He had something of mine. I went to go get it cause he kept lying about having it and lying he would bring it. And at the time I thought I was pregnant by his dumb ass or actually the thought was there just distant as hell lol. And yea so the MUTHAFUCKA got mad becoz I wouldn't give up sex he wouldn't take me home. So I "had to get home the best way I knew how" and walk in the winter cold at 10 at night hoping a bus would come through. But I ended up hitching a ride from this guy who tried to force himself on me. Not my best moves I'll admit. But my mind was more than foggy and confused. I was feeling unloved and unwanted. Not by her or the mailman but by friends and family made it no better.
So the Lil Blonde Haired Black Girl (that's me) spent my time learning to drive. Not cause I wanted. But forced. Because my mom felt it was neccessity. And my family didn't want to be of any help lazy fucks ya kno (｡-_-｡). Thus after 7 tries (lol) I finally passed and got my license even though it sucks. I hate tailgaters and goin to the stores and places my mom only likes. It's nice in a way to get out and about and go where we need.
Now on to the goodness. In all that mess and crap above. One thing put a hankering in my life. Because of not having money for school. I was forced to take out student loans. Unfortunately my dad couldn't co-sign because he and my mom were in and getting out of bankruptcy due to him being laid off time and time again or let go coz the job was moving to somewhere. And also because my dad had brain surgery too!! He had an aneurism when I was 7 months old and a few thee medical problems that put us in the rears. Even though that made things hard it was the happy home life that made things worth while ya know??
So in the midst of paying for school with loans. After 6months of "GRACE" you have to start paying them back. And I found myself owing $200,000. You no pay loans, interest rate goes up and fees become higher and added on. And if they default or you "refuse" to pay they send all that to the credit unions and it prevents you from getting and obtaining any kind of work. Ridiculous and crazy I know. I applied to a bunch of places. Some over and over again and got nothing but the cold shoulder. 2 places told me NO. And the rest ignored me. I tried and tried. But no such luck.
So I find myself in between a rock and a hard place. What little money I had saved up I blew. Not on me mostly but stupid friends who where only my friends to get the benefits of money. Shake my damn head. They were like strippers at a strip club when a famous person arrives an they all run up to you to get attention and then get mad and diss you coz you ain't puttin out no more money or you're broke.
Now at one point I assumed I could be a stripper and had what it took. But I was scared to death. What if I saw someone I knew?? What if they went and told everybody?? Or what if this or what if that?? And I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I felt I was better than that, not saditty or bougie or bourgeois. Just better. So one day probably last summer or so I got this tweet or DM on twitter about a job in modeling. Whoever it was said I was cute and would have a shot the whole scam artist conversation right?? I'm like yeah right XD!! And I clicked on it and skimmed it. An went about my daily boring life stuck at home. Watching Anime and reading manga and whatnot (whispers: discovering tumblr lol XD). So days flew by and the tweet popped up again and I clicked on the link and remembered the cockamamie bullshit that went along with it. And thought yea my fairy wings are fluttering with gay joy >_O. And skimmed it once again.
And then one day I actually took the time to read it. And I wondered:
"Can I see myself doing something like this?? Prolly not *shrugs*"
It didn't really hit me until I thought I was pregnant. At first no I didn't want the baby didn't want to be connected to someone I wasn't in love with. Didn't want to be connected to someone I hated and disposed who treated me more than bad. But that's karma for you. I used him he used me. I got screwed over so did he but I would end up with a possible baby that he didn't want from the get go. And he didn't want me. And the more I thought the more I knew I personally couldn't have an abortion. I'm a punk. Yea I can he piercings and tatted but taking away someone's life who didn't get a chance to even enjoy a small proportion it hurt my heart :(. I couldn't do it so I decided if I were I would keep it. But I had no insurance to go to the doctors to find out. And the pregnancy tests were negative negative negative but my body was changing and strange. And I was delirious to be honest. But how was I gonna take care of my baby?? I immediately thought I'd move out and get some job and make it work the best I could. But oh wait cant get a job because of loans. Can't get a place without money. So what's a girl to do, ya kno?? I thought and prayed and wondered and wondered. And then the tweet came to mind. And I decided to check it out and this time read it and search and research.
"Maybe this could work. I could do this and be at home with the baby and work really hard for money get some child care and do this and do that and so on and so forth...."
These thoughts clouded my mind because I wanted to give my child a happy comfortable life. I wanted them to be happy and I would do whatever I had to do to make them happy and comfortable. I was willing to do whatever. That's because I cared about my child—an unborn person I would yet meet. Meant the world to me. I guess you can say those mommy instincts were kicking in. However deep down I didn't want the baby. Didn't want to be tied to him. And definitely didn't want my child tellin me how much their dad a man who hurt and despised me meant so much more to them. Or even him taking the kid away from me would cause me to snap and lose my fucking mind. I could cope it was too emotional.
And so after months of thinking. Wondering and hoping and denials I assumed I wasn't pregnant. And left it like that but I could feel I wasn't healthy either. But I couldn't find out because I don't have hundreds to go to the doctors just to have a jolly crumpet conversation with him. (Thus mother nature and Jesus said let there be period and I was HAPPY it was late but happy). Hell how was I spose to know if I'm preggo if I hadn't had a period in over 2years?? Crazy right???
However the thought of my own place, doing what I want and the thought of being left alone. Made me say to myself:
"Well I need to do something. Can't sit here forever. Plus I want more too!"
So I went back to that website that was left in a 140 character note that was sent to my Twitter one day. Reading it once more than again, I decided I would be a webcam girl. I needed the money and the job. But a lot prevented me from doing so. The privacy, the embarrassment among such factors. Threw me.
"Take my clothes off and fuck some inanimate object or someone. Or masturbate for someone else's sexual pleasure?? Could I really do that?"
I thought No. Not saying that it couldn't be done but I just felt uneasy and didn't have THAT audacity to do it ya kno??
However the more I thought. The more I read. At my current situation. Broke, and unable to get a job and not too much hope. I felt it was the best option for me. However I do have some decency and respect and I would do such things in front or around my mother or in her house. But for me to get a place on my own I need money. So while staring aimlessly at the screen wondering what I could do. I noticed that they had a section on becoming an agent. And I wondered what it was about. So I went and learned about it. I liked what I saw. I liked the flexibility of it and effortlessness of the job itself. And after a few days I sent in questions that weren't on the FAQs page. And got a response quickly.
I guess you could say I was sold or influenced. But I felt comfortable. I found out it was and IS a reliable company. No funny stuff nothing to pay for. I don't have to be a skinny Minnie to work. Or look like Barbie all blonde and blue eyed lol. I could be me and I liked that.
So I applied.
Currently, I'm working as a modeling agent. I recruit people who want to webcam models or agents like me. It's mostly a lot of copy and paste. And for now all I can do is Internet advertising. Until I get some money to do maybe flyers or postcards or going to places and what not. It's a lot at first but this time around I refuse to give up so easily.
I spent years working towards a dream that would never be fulfilled like I wanted. I will never that woman who's a college grad, with the wonderful husband, house full of kids, the cat, the dog, ALL OF THAT. It will never be a reality.
However it doesn't mean I can't still be happy. It doesn't mean I have to be a CEO for some Fortune 500 conglomerate. Or have that perfect guy in my life and the house full of kids thing. I just want to be happy is all. And I understand there will be hardships and trials and tribulations. But without them I would be able to appreciate what little happiness I get.
And if that means being a webcam girl or porn star or whatever the hell I'll be in the future. So be it. I'll be the best I can out there. Whether I'm accepted or not.
So yes now that you read all of that. Do you still view webcam girls or strippers and porn stars as nasty filthy people?? People who have no morals or self dignity??
If so. Then I'll say you are by far the most shallowest person God ever created. You poor unfortunate soul.
I may not be lovey dovey with Jesus or the Lord. But we're cool and he accepts me like I accept him. He found me when I was lost and wandering; and gave me a lot to think and ponder on. He protects me and I thank him for every little joy he gives to me.
I believe it takes special people to do things, anything for that matter. It's takes a certain person to be a teacher, a firefighter, a parent, a leader, even the bitches, followers and down right crazy criminals. And to be able to be a webcam model, stripper or porn star–those are extraordinary people. Whatever the story they may have for you or behind the façade they live or the fantasy they've created. Makes them just the same as us.
We al have secrets and untold chapters in this story. But I decided to share mine. So in case if by chance one day I have a child or two. They will know why I did this. I hope they understand I had my reasons and they can accept me either way.
I know I'm a good person and I don't need to tell anybody otherwise. However shit happens and sometimes that back up plan or "fall back on" never works out. And you gotta do the next best thing. To me, this is by far the best thing that could ever happen.
And dammit if I'm not at my happiest :D. And I can't wait to see what life has in store for me in this upcoming future. And elated even for the bad stuff too. Because this time around.....I'm sticking this through the end. And Imma work hard.
So if you wanna judge, fine so be it. I really don't give a damn. But if by chance I opened your eyes to something. Then I'm glad.
And to you who's reading this who's in the pits or just confused with life. I hope I was able to open your eyes, mind and heart to be able to do something that will not only benefit you but give you some hope even just a little bit.
And that my dear is how you SEXY MODEL BABY (^з^)-☆
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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Email: mzbunny35@itzmzbunny.com
