2B or Not 2B; The Life Of Singledom Is Pure Tragedy

Hi kids,

I know it's been awhile since you've last heard from me. Between dealing with work and the everyday pressures of being single. I swear I'd kill for a vacation from it all and to just be relieved for a moment you know??

But I decided to write this because several things have been irking me the last few weeks or so. To the point, I'm beyond frustrated. Like i'm at my wits end as to what to do to fix my life even to a more positive standing than where it is now.

Lately it seems like I've been getting more suitors than I can handle. Some are just weirdos expecting me to get super excited and lover-lusted just by them saying 'HI' to me. Which it don't work that way. I know that works for some of the whores of today but it doesn't work for everyone. But besides the jerks who sends me pictures of their cocks in my inbox like it's going out of style. I had one guy who's almost 20years my senior and is basically telling me that we're getting married and having kids. At first I humored him but then eventually told him I wasn't interested and wasn't attracted to him like that. Plus between the weird things like saying God told him to tell me that me and him are getting married, how I'll be the bestest stepmother to his 3 kids (one of which is a few years younger than me) as well as a good step-grandmother to his grandchildren, then how he wanted to cook and eat my pets...... Yeah I know right??

After that, I got fed up. I kept getting all these wild ass guys who basically telling me I don't have a choice or how I have to choose them or in some case GO TO WHERE THEY LIVE and be with them. No. I'm definitely not doing that, not only am I NOT looking for a man. I definitely don't need another one telling me I don't have a choice when it comes to picking a somewhat suitable mate. I rather not be bothered. Not that I'm super man hater, but why do I want to waste my time with a guy who can't even be understanding that I work and don't have time to fool around or have "fun" like he does?? One guy got mad because I don't know what time I get home in the evenings. Well it's rarely the same time. No I don't know because it doesn't matter in most cases when I finally get home I'm not leaving or going anywhere until the next morning if I work. But the funny thing with him, he can't talk to me past 9pm but he wants to come over to my house around 9pm to "hang out" with me. Lately they've all been telling me what I need and how they can give me this world of happiness and great sex. I'm like dude no. What I need is my bills paid, and my house fixed up to a better condition it is now. Your probably lousy sex and bullshit laced happiness isn't going to cut it for me. But yet I'm the bad guy or I'm wrong for not giving guys a chance. But I'm confused I'm not out there looking a dude. I don't have a need for one in my life. Shit I can't even make some arrangements to find a temporary space for one. And I'm definitely not going from dude to dude to keep that blissful lust ongoing. Don't have time for that. I'm not interested.

One thing that's really pissed me off is these dudes inviting themselves over for dinner. I can barely support myself and buy food for myself. Why am I going to cook and have you waste food?? If you haven't brought groceries then I'm not cooking for you or feeding you. I just think that's so rude for a guy to do that. Don't assume you're going to get a free meal off of someone. Yes it's nice to know if someone can cook or not. But you can't base a decision off of one ideal or good trait. That's like me being happy with a man who works, but doesn't provide or share expenses. I cook because I have to, not because I want to be this awesome chef and provide these awesome meals for a man later down the road. No I cook as a way of survival. No I'm not sharing because in most cases I had to fight to get my food stamps, struggle to get to the grocery store and struggle to get those groceries home and then struggle to make something that'll last me for days or even a week or two. Like get the hell out of here with that nonsense. I'm not your mom and I don't have to prove to you if I'm a good care giver or not especially if you aren't my husband, my child or my main squeeze. But lately men have gotten unbelievably rude.

Which then leads us to the whole why society seems to find it hard that I'm single. So many men would be happy to have me and how pretty I am and how I'm a hard worker. When I say I dunno or how I'm not interested then I have to get lectured on how I can't be a functioning human being without a man whose shadow I can gracefully walk in. It's like no that's ok I don't need a man. Then comes the whole well how are you planning on having kids ordeal. I'm not, I don't want kids. I don't want to be in the position where I would end up a single mother. Then comes you don't know that you might meet Prince Charming and he'll be ever so happy to have you nonsense. I'm like look with the way I attract the lousiest of guys, I doubt that'll happen. I'll be damned if I'mma be on my own raising a kid and doing and being everywhere without any help of whatsoever. Yeah that's a road I want to avoid at all costs. I don't want my own family, It's more of a burden to me now than it being a luxury when I was younger and wanted the husband and house full of kids.

But what's ironic, I remember years ago men wouldn't want nothing to do with a girl if she wasn't working or didn't have her own place. Now that I have those things, they act like I'm too independent and I need to turn it down several notches. But why? Why do I need to be dependent?? Especially on someone whom I'm not totally sure will be there for me when I really need them. I think that's why I'm so comfortable living and being on my own.

Yeah being a Singleton and living alone has it's perks and you can do what you want when you want and with whom and whatever else your little heart desires. But there are moments where I'll admit it's really fucked up to be on your own. Especially for those of you like me who were an only child, parents are gone or decease, family is just people you know of--literally, and the only friends you have either live too far away or are busy with their own goings on. So yeah most people paint this ideal apartment life and how cafes and corner stores and bookstores embrace this cute apartment you live in and how you can wave your arm or snap your fingers and the golden taxi takes you wherever you need to go. Unfortunately that's not the case for some people.

I decided to live on my own because I didn't like living with other people, the crazed rules. Being home for dinner at a certain time, curfew, laundry day, no pets allowed, you can't do this and you can't do that. OH MY GAWD I'm damn near 30 and here I am being treated like a 13 year old. I couldn't stand it. Taking on a house by yourself is a lot different from apartment life. I had faith I could it on my own but I realize now (two years later) that I can't do it all by myself. I tried getting a roommate but after having the tenants destroy my house that is a no go for me. But bills are costlier. Hell my electric bill is more than my paycheck in a two week period! All my bills were extremely high this year and that was with costs going up. With me being garnished at work for my student loans, not only do I have a smaller paycheck, but trying to divide a little over $800 a month over everything that costs $200 each. I can't do it. I've lost my mind trying to make this work for the last 3 months and it's not working. I'm tired of busting my ass 40 hours each week and bringing home less than part time pay. If I miss a day of work I'm screwed. So I'm at this dead end like what the fuck am I suppose to do?? I have no one to depend upon--no one. Trust me it's no picnic. I've been trying to get home from government programs but since I'm not a single MOM, and I'm not a BUM by choice so I cant get any type of help of whatsoever.

It's like I've entered the ugliest nightmare ever and people keep telling me the only way out is hard work, determination and faith. But it seems when I do all those things I keep getting dragged back into the darkness. I'm ready to sell the house and wing it. I'm just tired I guess. Tired of everything being weighed in on me. I don't have the option to have someone to depend upon or to make phone calls or to handle business when I can barely function with everyday life due to overworking myself. I don't have someone to call when my bills get behind or I'm struggling to buy food. I'm on my own, for everything, for anything.....forever.

Here I sit with a jacked up knee. I fell on sunday and scraped my knee really bad. Also scraped up my hand and my toe and even sprained my ankle too. No matter how many calls I made to clinics today to see if someone would see me, I got turned down. The better clinics are too far to walk with my messed up knee. That's the messed up part about living utterly alone. It's all fine and dandy until you get sick or need some serious help. But i knew that ahead of time when I decided I would pursue life on my own.  I just assumed that I could handle it all, not because I felt like some goddess or super woman. I was comparing it to my single life I had in college. While college wasn't super efficient, it was a more attainable lifestyle. The grocery stores were around the corner or a taxi ride away. In some cases we were spoiled to have a cleaning crew come and clean the rooms and bathroom and so on and so forth. And bills that occurred every month was nothing more than a cellphone bill. It was highly different. I've noticed with trying to figure out what the hell was wrong in the world currently. It began to make sense when I finally researched it. Majority of singletons my age are in apartments and if shit hits the fan they call on their support system to dig them out of the hole or prevent them from drowning. Me I don't have that. If I fuck up with my bills even for a month I'm screwed. Now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my property and school taxes, if I'll have enough money to renew my license. But what worries me the most if I should happen get deathly ill or god forbid die, who's going to think to even try to see if I'm ok or not. I'm prepared with the thought that it could happen, but it would suck that months after I've died and my cats too probably and someone's like OH HEY IS YOU OK OR NAH?? Most people that call in to "check in on me" basically call me like I got all the resourses in the world. They tell me they saw a car on sale for $5000 out in some godforsaken land that they happen to drive by (but can't come get me to see it or get it if I had the money because that's not their problem) or how I should do this or do this or go here, there and everywhere like I have a car to get to this places and majority of the buses once you get off the bus line you need to be ok with walking 15 minutes or more to the next location. Or they wanna tell me if you do this with you bills or get a roommate or get a better job or jump over the moon backwards while counting the alphabet in pig latin. But when I ask well can you help me out, then I have to hear all the excuses of how they cant or won't but have enough audacity to brag to me about all the people they've helped like they're the saints of all saints.

Things like that pisses me off, you have so much say in everything I do but won't help out at all. But then throw it in my face like you wanted to live alone and be an adult so figure it out on your own, but if you get a man then it wouldn't be a problem. Like he's gonna help me out seriously?? Yeah, there's a reason I decided to live on my own, I learned that people are so damn unreliable and I end up doing stuff on my own regardless. Of course after I struggle to get through the task at hand, I always get that oh you should've called me I would've helped you out. Yeah, sure you would. 

Bottom line, being and livin single is remarkable. You learn a lot and grow up real fast and fine out what's more important in life and to you and to your personal well being. However if you have a terrible or no support system, then the entire burden is upon your shoulders and you fuck and trip or waver, you will be crushed by all that you're carrying. Then you'll know how it truly feels to be alone. Honestly if you can't handle that, then you're best living with someone. Otherwise if  you can handle it, be prepared to turn into a cold heartless, evil ass bitch/bastard. 

STDs vs. States

I came across this while on Facebook last year (yeah I always do my homework ahead of time lol). I found it to be very interesting.

This article talk about the top 10 states that are the worst places to get a STD! Honestly it came as a surprise to me because some of those places I would've never thought would be in this list. Check it out:

Worst States for STDS (source)

1. Louisiana 
2. Mississippi
3. Georgia 
4. Alabama 
5. South Carolina 
6. Arkansas 
7. Illinois 
8. Texas 
9. New York 
10. North Carolina

But then I wonder well what exactly are the best states for STDs. What's meant by that is what states are better to NOT catch or has a LOW RISK of STDs. I searched until I found a list. Check out the best states:

Best States for STDs (source)

1. West Virginia 
2. Maine 
3. Vermont 
4. Utah 
5. Wyoming 
6. Montana 
7. Idaho 
8. New Hampshire 
9. Nebraska 
10. Minnesota

Now if you're in a state like mine who isn't listed. It makes you wonder where you're state lies in this STD chaos, right?? Well I went on another search to find out where the other 28 states stood in this worst and best case scenario of STDs. So I came across this article on NerdWallet and it gives the full list of all of the 48 states and where they rank in STDs. My state came in 21st, which in one since I'm shocked, as many people here bank on sex and do so unsafely there's no way it's in the middle. But all things are baffling. Want to know where your state ranks?? Check out Common Types of STDs: Statistics by State. Now please be aware that these statistics are for 2014 and things may be different. But it's still informative either way.

However I do think we all need to grow up and learn to protect ourselves and not play with STDs. It's as equally big and damaging as an unplanned pregnancy. Whether you know it or not, people will judge and base your sexual relationships and the diseases you caught in the process to heart. Heck I had a guy turn me down because of it, but unlike everyone else I don't make it apart of my life to catch it em, I don't want to be the Pokemon master of STDs. Neither should you.

So please use a condom, get to know the person at least a week before you sleep with them.You wouldn't give some stranger your bank account, social security number and other personal information. You need to treat your penis/vagina the same way.

For The Love Of Condoms

Post by Madison Hinton.

Happy Condom Week 2015!!

First let me say Happy Belated Valentine's to all my love bunnies out there. If you're single like me, then I hope you had a wonderful Saturday unless you got caught in the snow storm like I did. Then it's only as good as it gets right?? lol.

Anyway, Happy Condom Week!!! This year, I am going to do the same old same old with facts and condom jokes and whatnots. However this year I decided to do something a little different. Because I've noticed a lot of posts over the last several months on sex and love and unplanned pregnancies. But then I noticed this one article I read about a young preteen who had gotten pregnant before HIGH SCHOOL and she said one thing she wish for was to have been properly educated on sex.

What's funny, it's true. We aren't properly educated on sex and it's like grown ups can't properly verbalize about sex. However with that happening we are kinda left in the dark and go about it through trial and error which in itself isn't good and that's how those mistakes happen. So this year, I decided to take the initiative and be the mom that everyone hates because I say how I feel without giving a damn. Because everyone has the right to know about sex and at least be properly educated on it and not go about it blindly in the dark you know??? (what if you miss the hole? lol)

So since I didn't have much time to plan this all out, we're going to be winging it lol. Nothing out of the unusual right?? I'll try to keep this as entertaining as possible and educational. So sit back and enjoy this awesome week!!

Car Buying

This is a quickie since I have to get up early and work tomorrow :p I got spoiled not having to work weekends now I'm back working weekends and it sucks ass lol

Anyway, since I lost my super duper minivan back in June, I've been bussing it or walking it out all over Pittsburgh, which sucks because the town I live in has little to nothing available. Hell our grocery store opens late in the morning and closes early as hell so it doesn't give me much when shopping. The small stores like CVS and Walgreens don't have everything I need. Then trying to make a HUGE shopping trip whilst walking majority of the way and waiting for a lame ass bus is like torture within torture. So I decided I wanted to get a car as fast as possible and something reliable that'll get me to and from work and to the grocery store and maybe an outing every now and then. Plus I would like to get back to jitneying and if possible pick up a second job maybe.

Well today I had an appointment at the CarHop which always boasts about how fast they'll get you into a car and how easy it is and how there's little to no paperwork. Not only did I have to wait an extra 10mins from my 10:15am appointment today, but that quick 15-20minutes process quickly turned into a 1 hour and a half process and it made me late for work too on top of that. But half the shit I had to go through was ridiculous!! I know why it's needed and I get it but honestly all of that could've been avoided if the man I talked to on the phone told me I'd be there over an hour or so and that I would need additional paperwork and 12 references and be willing to pay for a $350+ bill every month too which I thought was a bit much for a used car lot. Like who the fuck want's to pay $400 for a car that has THOUSANDS of miles on it???

So I realized something today, sometimes if it sounds too good to be true.....usually it is or it comes with a lot of extra bullshit that for some reason needs to be kept secret until later. Like I get that some information isn't necessary until the opportune moment comes, but if you know that I'll need references or my W2 or several paystubs then that's something you need to tell me no one wants to keep making several trips for no reason.

Regardless, I'm still going to look for a car because I want and need one. I'm tired of depending upon people who are suppose to be reliable but they're fucking like ghosts whenever you call their ass for a ride or a favor. I do got one who's cool peeps and I love her to death for helping me out. She even offers, like and she shouldn't have to when I got a broke ass lazy ass unemployed ass cousin that could be helping me but he wants to do it when he feels like it or when his chick won't give him any money. Like nigga please!!

But whatevs. I have faith that one day I'll get a little ride and be able to upgrade myself into a better situation. Until then, I'll keep on walking and catching the bus.

c'est le vie--

Fruit Punch.....[Literally]

Hi guys and dolls!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I fucking missed you guys and I really mean that!

I didn't want you all to think I forgot about you or I moved on and decided to get rid of the blog. No no honey bunnies.

Last you heard from me, I was probably in dire need (and I'm too lazy to go see what it was lol) so we'll recap back to this time last year when I got a job working at a school bus company. around the end of February 2014. Honestly I was really happy and excited because I had been applying to places and wasn't getting much luck. I mean, who would've thunk droppin out of college and taking care of my sick mother before she died would actually do more harm than good. I'm feelin like Mother Theresa over here and society is like OMG you're a total bum fuck loser no we won't hire you, you irresponsible crayon eater! So getting that job made me happy......but not for long.

Whilst I was getting paid the big bucks and I was happy and giddy, brought some furniture for my livingroom things were looking up. Until they started fucking with my check and treating me worst than a step child and then I found out this wasn't for me. They made me do training for a school bus driver but then had the nerve to make me a monitor, but not pay me monitor wages and I'm like I didn't bust my ass for two weeks without pay to be a monitor that's crazy. The horror stories I got from working there makes me not want to send my kids on the yellow safety bus of doom....AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!! But after all was said and done they fired me after my birthday but didn't tell me I was fired until the following week. But I didn't care the job was stressful and my wages had start going down too and that wasn't cool. And to top it off I was getting laid off for three months and couldn't collect unemployment and yeah so I was screwed either way you looked at that situation.

So being unemployed didn't help much, not only did I lose my car (even though I got a good deal for it), I couldn't find a job, I was broke and I felt like I was going to end up homeless all over again. Hell I even tried to be a sugar baby. There are like no sugar daddies here smh. But I had faith that it would work out, I took in boarders, I sold some stuff and hussled as much as I could to get the money I needed to mostly take care of my pets and the house. There were moments were I felt things wouldn't straighten out and it was quite frustrating but I held on to the faith that it would work out.

Thus, I got a new job, at the end of July. I work as a cashier at a place that I respectfully call "The Depot" lol. It's full of nuts, that includes my coworkers, the customers and the random people I see through out the day. Now believe it or not this job is sure enough hard labor. I wear steel toed boots, a back brace too so I can lift up the 50lbs of food all day long. I was fucking exhausted my first week or so. But look at me now I've been there for 6months and been doing a good job. Honestly out of all my jobs I've had, I actually love working there. Mostly for the people I work with and the customers who are business owners, I've gotten to know. Yeah I hate lifting 50lb sacks of potatoes, onions and cabbages and 40lbs of chicken all day non stop but it's a job, it pays the bills, feeds my kids and for a while life was sweet.

I also got a new pet!! A guinea pig named Charley, who used to be named Wheezy lol. He's a sweetie, here's this the kittens were mad I brought him home haha. Lily was mad she was the middle child, Hawthorn had flashbacks of when i brought Lily home and here's the best part--They all get along really well. The kittens are afraid of him and he knows it but they play it tag when I let him out and chase each other, it's hilarious but the kits go over and give him kisses and hugs. Unfortunately McCunt Bubbles AKA Raiden the fish he died around November or so. Honestly I was surprised he lived so long, the kits miss him I think, so I may get a goldfish or something to make them happy again. Plus goldfish are cheaper and eat what's sold at walmart lol.

Hmm, what else??

OH YEAH!!

In the midst of all those goings on in life, I had a few choice encounters with the opposite sex. Some were good, some were those that made you retort WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK and others were nothing out of the unusual. Had a few losers who wanted to move in with me. One I don't think had shit of his own. The other he wanted to move in after two weeks of us talking and of course after he left his wife's house and brought their 4 kids to live with us. I'm like dude no, you got me fucked up. You ain't moving in, your kids damn sure aint coming here and you claim to be "divorced" from your wife with whom you still live with (and is still married to; don't believe the hype). So he told me that I need to learn to accept that a man has kids whether I like it or not because I'm not gettin no younger and men got kids. I'm like you know what you right, I do accept that men have kids. But it doesn't mean I'mma put up with that bullshit though.

Then of course I met the regular fucktards who want naked pictures or my phone number. I had one dude who was made from lies. Like no kidding, he lied about where he lived, his phone number was a lie and he was trying to force me into a relationship and then make me move to Washington DC and got mad when I said no. Who the fuck jumps into a relationship with a fucker they don't know?! Besides stupid people....no one in the correct mind frame is going to do some dumb shit like that. So then I started talking to this one guy who is nice and all but he's miserible as fuck and he reminded me of the guy who broke my heart in May 2014 who was equally miserible. Honestly you can't make a miserible person happy. You can try, but trust me you won't get anywhere. These men were both one in the same, their life is fucked up and everything is their baby's mama's fault.  Yeah it could be to a point, but you not having a job or having a fucked up day for the moment has nothing to do with her, that's straight up you dude. Bottom line you had sex with her volunteerily. No one forced your penis in her vagina and I doubt she raped you. Yawl need to stop that, same goes for the women too. It's no one's fault but your own so man or woman up accept the fuck up and move on. You stand there and whine about it and you'll end up being lost to what's going on around you and you'll definitely miss out on something really nice or awesome things. So by September I just couldn't deal with him anymore. Plus he was always talkin about what he was going to do and never did anything and it let me further know how much of a loser he truly was.

Then around October, I met this really great guy or so I thought--then lol. The way we met was beyond romantic. There I was waiting for the bus after work so I could go home and he was in traffic and honked the horn at me and waved. I usually wave back even if I don't know the person because I feel bad that they might feel stupid once they figure out that they may have mad a mistake. So he went up the street and popped this wild U-turn to come and sit at the bus stop with me and talk to me for about an hour or so. I was honestly shocked and in all my years I've never had a guy leave me so speechless. I will say his game was smooth and well on point. We hooked up and messed around for awhile. Now in the beginning I'll be honest and say I personally felt it wasn't going to last or really work out because it happened so perfectly. We work close to each other (literally next door). We both were single, and we had good chemistry. It was just too perfect. Even the sex was worth it, no doing so without protection wasn't the best thing at any time we did lol. But I don't regret it, and I enjoyed his company. Hell I'm not even mad we broke up. We had a rough spot that we handle but then it came back again and I didn't like that. I wanted to spend time with him, he was basically pretending to be Casper the friendly ghost on me. The last time I heard from him was Christmas Day. I didn't like being strung along or hearing that he was too busy or had other stuff to do when he found enough time to visit is his family which he drove 6 hours to and back and often. Eventually my schedule changed to where we were on the same time 6 or 7am to 3 or 4pm and we work next door for pete's sake. But then I found out he was looking at my facebook and because he did that I could look at his since we weren't friends and had no mutual friends involved, I also found out he lied too. He told me he had been in Pittsburgh for 6months, it was actually a year. It also said he was in a relationship, which I still think he was regardless of what he said or did he just acted like it and I think she lived in Philly too. But all in all I wasn't mad and I'm still not. A lot of people ask me what's going on and I'm like I dunno. I'm assuming it's over and I like it that way.  I enjoyed the 4 and half months we spent together and I had a blast! But somethings are meant to be enjoyed for the moment and not be a lasting memory you know.

Now when he cuffed me I was shocked all the guys that were upset about it!! Like oh my goodness, I couldn't believe it lol. Even now I get a few guys popping outta nowhere and wanting to hook up. But for now I'm cool. I don't think I can do a relationship. I need someone I can do the nasty with and go check out booties and marathon Netflix or Hulu with who doesn't want much more than that. I don't care if it's a guy or a girl or both lol, I can't take the stress of a relationship and the bullshit that comes with it you know?? Since I don't want marriage or kids then I don't want to be wasting someone else's time when they could be finding that person they need for that particular role. I just want a loyal fuck buddy lmao.

As for now I'm trying to get life together, I'm bein garnished for student loans which pisses me off because I'm working minimum wage and busting my ass for over 40 hours a week and they feel it necessary to take $100 or so and say fuck my bills and other shit. I'm like I'll be damned if my cats shit in my house and I end up homeless. I was like ready to quit my job because I refuse to work for 40 hours and get less than part time pay. That's a no go Joe! So now I'm going to see about getting a car so at least I can get to and from work and even possibly get back to my jitneying trips and make some extra money that'll at least cover what I'm losing in garnishment or even get a second job. Mostly I want the car now since I was late for work waiting for a bus that never showed up and the public transit is ok with that happening but I can't be 30mins late for work either. Plus I left my wallet at home the other night that has my money and bus pass and I had to walk home from work because my cousin never came to get me. So after walking 5 miles home for 3 hours in a fucking snow storm....yeah this week has been a challenge for me lol. 

But I'm tryin really hard to make this all work out. Why exactly I haven't found out just yet but I still try. Kind of annoying but it's whatever you know?? I still have many things I'd like to do but for now I'll focus on the now and work as hard as I can and try to make things as comfortable for all of us as I can.


So now you're up to date. I'll try to post as often as I can, my job keeps me beat since I'm working 9-10hours a day because we're currently short staffed. And my iphone broke again so I've yet to get that fix so I'm on a cheapo phone that barely supports facebook. How lame is that??? Smh, eventually I'll get that fucker fixed or replace it with a new one depends on how I feel. If apple keeps making cheap crap I mines well stick to a cheap phone and call it a day ya know?? 

But I shall keep in touch, I also appreciate all of you who's been checking out the facebook page, that makes me really happy :D but it would make have an orgasm if you liked it though lol. 

I'm alive, I'm kickin I'll try my best to do posts, they'll probably be short little somethings, but it's the thought that counts right?? Plus I could NOT not do Condom Week this year! I think I'll go into a different direction this year but it'll still be fun though :).

And if I didn't tell you, I missed you all so very much!! 

Da Chicken's Idiot

Pain In The Ass

Shortest Horror Story

Misguided Desire

Lately I've been in this looped emotional roller coaster. Why exactly, I don't know. But what's weird about it is the fact that I keep flip flopping back and forth between what i want. That's it. It's crazy isn't it?? It's like one want is more important than the other want but they're both wants. It's like trying to stick to negative magnets together and hoping that they stick together or find a happy crooked medium. 

Lately, I've been pondering and thinking. I think it's mostly due to the fact that people are talking to me and telling me how I should feel about being single and how I should be coping with it by their standards of course and I'm over here like no. Don't tell me how I should feel or what I could or should be doing because that's how you think you'll react to my situation. You can't predetermine how you'll handle any situation for that matter. What's crazy is if you don't believe me just think of a situation you were in and how you had scenarios play in your head about how you should've handle it or what you could've said or whatever what if comes to mind. You can't even say well I'm going to handle it this way knowing damn well when the opportunity present itself most likely you won't. That's why I don't get people telling me that I'm lonely when I know I'm not. And when I voice that they basically try to force me to say in this admittance that I am lonely and I don't have a say to say otherwise. 

I think because of constantly hearing that lately it's got me feeling twisted. Like I have to question do I feel lonely?? Then I tell myself no, because I know I don't. Then I realize it's not so much of being lonely it's just lack of interaction. Which then led me to wanting my own family. 

Yeah. I want a family. But I don't want the husbands and kids because I want to stay single and be childfree. So I'm like between two wants and I don't know how to arrive at a happy medium between the two and what's funny is the fact that it's been weighing heavily on my brain for the last few weeks. Then I wondered if it was because I missed my parents?? No, I miss them, but not that much to slip into a depressive state. Then I think, I have my two kittens and fish right?? Whom I gladly call my kids and treat like my family. But it feels like my little family is lacking something. Or missing something. There's love and laughter and good and bad times but it's still missing something I can't see. It's like seen sunshine all over but the sun is hidden behind clouds.....and there's no overcast you know?? That's what it's like to me.

But the thought or joking up with a guy just doesn't interest me anymore. I tried but I don't like being led on and then dropped because I was never considered more than a temporary fixation in the first place. I was deemed a novelty and as soon as something better comes along, that's it for me. No ifs, ands or buts about it. 

Having a baby is out of the question. Men are assholes, donors cost too much money, and foster parent and adoption is unlikely because I need all this nonsense just to basically babysit someone else's child for a while or long time. Mostly you're getting a kid who's already acclimated to their parent and you're never going to be treated as parent. And the only way to get that is to get a newborn but mom's giving up newborns only want couples (or in stranger cases men) to raise their baby. It's like an un-winnable war. 

So then I'm like so I need another cat?? I'm like no. The whole introduction phase is way too much for me and adopting two more cats would be too expensive but I don't want the little kitten to be lonely or without a playmate or be third wheeled by the two I already got. 

Then it's like I dismiss it and I go back to me being cool with being single and super happy about it. But don't let me get a few moments to myself where thoughts can wander in and I'm back in the cycle all over again trying to decipher what it is that I truly want and I get confused all over again. 

Or maybe this is just apart of my journey as I live my life out by myself. I may have given up on men, but I just might meet a nice girl to have some sort of relationship with. But then again I may not even do that you know?? I know for sure I won't be meeting a nice guy anytime soon who's actually genuinely interested in me and even the thought of it is no longer a fairy tale like dream and more of a chore like why am I thinking this knowing damn well this won't happen?? And since I refuse to have kids after I turn 30 (which is almost 2 and half years away) theres no point really. I doubt men will mature in less than two years too lol. 

I think I need a new hobby or something that holds my interest enough to not let others sway my thoughts and I can enjoy the way my life is so far. And continue to enjoy it until it's my time to go too you know. 

Hopefully these unwarranted wants will go away, I just have to try my best to be as patient as I can be.