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1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day

I thought I would take time out of my hella busy schedule and reflect on the fact that I am getting older. 

What's weird is that I feel SUPER OLD. I remember back as a kid thinking someone who was in their 30s were super adult and old and well ok their way to old-people-hood lol. But now that I look at re fact that I'll be 30years old in exactly one year one month and one day......it's a lot more to that than I thought. And it's not so bad either. Majority of the people have already been telling me I'm 30 and to accept it. Even tho I'll be 29 next month. I must say at first I was kind of unhappy to see my 20s leave so abruptly and to crash land in my 30s. But now not so much. I'm sort of excited and then on the same token I'm a little scared at the fact that I am getting older, and growing up and maturing—but most of all I still feel like a teenager all confused about life and still trying to sort things out without adult supervision. YIKES! 

That's the beautiful part about it all. Because it makes me reflect on all those people I thought were super grown up at 30-something and how they probably didn't have their shit together either. They were probably fucking up left to right and desperately hoping another adultier adult would come and save them lol. That's the most ironic thing too. It's actually admirable too. 

What I can say even though a part of me isn't ready to cross yet another threshold into adulthood and fears gray hair and more fat and saggy skin. The more grown up part of me is actually exited and can't wait to see what the 30. I get to have another decade of experiences and wonderment. I hope I get to spend as many seconds and minutes I can with the people I love the most. And just maybe I might even astonish myself and come across things I never knew and maybe things I never knew I wanted. I might encounter trials and tribulations that I'm prepared for and others I'm not. I hope that either way I gain the knowledge and wisdom to keep calm and carry on while having the serenity to know the difference or time and place to have wisdom, courage and acceptance. But only time will tell. I can't wait to be 30 some day. 

The Evil Queens

Old Enough

There are moments in my life where I catch myself wondering if I'm old enough to be doing what I'm doing whatever the task at hand may be. 

Majority of the time I always feel like I'm too young. Too young for a serious relationship, too young to figuring out if an IRA is better than a 401K, too young for marriage and kids—too young to be adulting in general. Even though next month I'll be 29! 

It's crazy actually. The more and more I get into my daily activities and make plans and changes to suit myself so that I can expand and grow. I also feel contradictory and feel too old to not have it together as I look at other people who are my age or older or those who were my age at some point. Hell my parents were homeowners by time they reached my age and were married for 10years at least too!  I feel so out of place sometimes like I want to be ready and I know in my heart I can be ready. But my insecurity makes me feel like I'm not ready for this. 

I know I still have tons of stuff to learn and time to grow still. There are moments where I feel like a scared little kid and need the guidance of an adultier adult lol. Or least someone to tell me that I'm going in the right direction—for the moment lol. 

I hope by 30 I can have it together a little bit. Least to stop stressing about whether I'm old enough to be grocery shopping by myself or having sex with my boyfriend or not lol. 

April 9, 1966

On this very exact date to the day. My parents got married at a little church. Right before Easter and there was snow too lol. Even though it's been 50years since that date. I bet if they were still alive they would've loved this moment very much. 

For the longest time I never understood why this date was so important to them. It didn't make sense. Though I enjoyed their love for each other. I never got how much they love the idea of each other of the "US" of them. I think this is the first time in a long time that I looked forward to their anniversary. I will say I hated the day because I always felt they blew out of porportion. But I was also young and didn't understand why I had to be included on a day I never got to see or experience or have as fond of memories as they did. 

Even as I got older and things started to change. All I remember is how excited they were to reach that 50years mark. Even still; I still didn't understand why this date was so important. When my father passed and my mom still kept hope alive and I would buy her cards to make her day and look at old pictures with her to make her happy. I didn't understand. I always assumed I never would. 

When my mother passed, I ended up with all the knick knacks, souvenirs and keepsakes. That date was nothing more but a confirmation of my parents Union in holy matrimony. That was adorned in history with photographs and a certificate. And a inscribed wedding ring.  

But it didn't hit me until recently. Like a few months ago. I had this really weird dream where I thought I loss the wedding band I had. Even though it was just a ring and nothing more and nothing less. That was the first time it was heartbreaking to think it was gone forever. That dream had me so messed up I had to get up and look for the ring the next morning before I went off to work. I couldn't help but look at the ring and read the inscribing: A.B.M to E.N.R.  4-9-66. And I sat there wondering why this ring was so important to me. 

It wasn't until I start spending more and more time with Mr. G. It started making sense. Without all that commotion and whatnots. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't been able to experience life with two of the most amazing (crazy) people in the world. I wouldn't have experienced a lot of the craziness and nonsense with them. I wouldn't be Me without them. I appreciate that. Without their love and wanting to invest into each other for more than a lifetime literally. I wouldn't have happened and nothing that I experienced wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be in the place that I'm at now. And I probably wouldn't be with G or owning the house I grew up in. Even though now they make up a small part of my life; they were once a HUGE part of my life. They were the foundation to my pyramid and I'm glad about that. 

Even if they're not here anymore or won't be able to watch me to continuously grow. They're always with me and always will be. Ring or not. 

I wish my parents a very Happy 50th Anniversary. 

A Hugasm

Never Guilty

Hi kids!!

Happy April. And happy March because I think I may have missed it lol. 

I've been so busy trying to get my life together it's crazy!! 

I love my job and the people I work with but I'm tired of the commute. I'm tired of getting little to no sleep and little to no time for myself and my boyfriend too (yeah that happened lol). I'm tired of missing work when it's not for something productive like handling bills or job interviews. The last few trips out to my job have been atrocious. I either missed a bus, missed the shuttle or got left. It's a pain in the ass!! I'm just tired. I need something closer. It would be ideal if the closer job came with more money. But at this point I don't care. Just need something better. I want to do better i want to be better you know?? No I'm not looking for a life long career or to be a manager or any of that. I need a job I can work that's flexible and offers opportunities if and when I decide to change my mind. At the moment I just want to work and be able to support myself. But trying to job search and tend to employers and work is hard. It's damn near impossible. I'm missing calls and emails that I can't respond to because I don't have time to do it at home. By time the weekend comes I'm either knocked out all day Saturday or spend it cooking all day. 

What's funny with me looking for a new job. My current job isn't happy and my higher-ups are trying to make me feel guilty and some days I do. But why would I feel guilty about trying to better myself and my situation? Yeah I understand that puts you in a bind. But how do you think I feel having to bust my ass to get to and from work while allowing a "customer" to cuss me out all day. All for a paycheck that majority goes to my transportation. 

However I won't let them make me feels guilty. I can't guarantee that I'll be perfect. I'm human I make mistakes and I have an OVER FULL plate. In addition to be a functional adult and taking care of myself, I have to take care of the kittens too. And I'm also trying to make sure my current relationship works out and doesn't get neglected either. 

I have faith that everything will work out for the better. I know I'll get another job that requires less travel. I might take a pay cut. But that's better than all my check going to transportation costs and trying to support myself. 

In the meantime whether they like it or not. I don't care. Me comes first. I rather go to a job in a positive attitude than to be cranky all the time like I've been these last few months actually. I already I will never LOVE LOVE LOVE a job. But I at least want to love it enough that I work hard and go everyday and not let other people block my shine or my efforts. 

Plus I got my new beau. Whom I absolutely adore! He treats me well and even helps me out and I appreciate all his efforts. Especially since he got three kids and his own crap to deal with. The fact that I get to be on his priority list makes me so happy. We're making an effort to make this work too. So now I've got an even bigger step to consider with him. 

Going long term I always thought would just transition on its own. But since majority of my so called relationships were short lived or just ended so abruptly I never had to cross this milestone before. Now I'm scared, excited and worried all at the same time! We've been together for 7 months! I had to count it up lol. But we've known each other for 9months. We're talking about living together, marriage, even kids! Don't think it's all peachy though. We've had our fights and misunderstandings but we made it through those. Honestly I can't wait until we have more. Because I know there will be more. We have good days, bad days and halfway days. I think things are moving at a good pace. I have faith that we will work. Even when my ex still thinks he has a chance. I 

I'm shocked that he still has the audacity to contact me. For a minute I admit I felt bad for getting in another relationship without ending the other first. That was wrong. But I was tired of trying to convey my feelings to someone who's suppose to be a teammate with me and was acting like I was his worst enemy! That hurt the most. I was trying and putting in my all and he just didn't give a shit. But had the nerve to get mad when I decided to move on. Now don't understand why I'm still with "Mr. G" lol. Well G spends time with me and he wants to make it work with me. That matters more than the materialistic things I can get from a man. Strip away those material things all you have left is personality, character and maybe sense of humour. Not too many people can be that charismatic without flaunting something. But with G we both know we broke and struggling but we help each other out and make it work and I love that so much more. To the point I don't feel guilty for screwing my ex over, especially when he was having me walk around looking dumb and desperate. I'm cool. My babe is cool. And we happy. 

Another thing I've learned is don't feel guilty to making changes in your life. Especially with friendships. Yeah you want to have those life long friendships with amazing people. But we also grow and change and start exploring different paths in life. Sometimes we have to cut people off or spend less time with them because they no longer add to your life or they're taking away from your life which is bad either way. You need people with the same mindset and that can be a good support system for you. None of that sometimey crap or hoping things will go back to the way they were. Nope. Sometimes it doesn't happen and it's ok to be honest and let them know it's not working and you guys got to break up lol. You need people in your life that's going to tell you that you're doing great and keep up the good work! That's real success there. 

So please don't feel guilty for cutting friends off, for dropping the boyfriend or girlfriend for someone new who'll love you, or leaving that job that isn't adding pizazz to your life and wallet. Don't. You're suppose to better yourself. Be the best person you can be. 

Life With Cats Is Like....