Paper Gangsta

So I decided to title this after one of Lady Gaga's song off The Fame album. I decided to change the title because this song kind of reflects how I feel about this particular subject I'm going to write.



I don't know what's wrong with people who feel if you aren't married or have at least one kid by 25 you not only have a Santa's list of things wrong with you. But you've also apparently failed at being a woman, as well being useless to society otherwise. I understand its best to start your life early and make things work while you have the time frame and thought process to carry out strenuous tasks, correct problems and deal with the consequences. I get that. As of lately, not just my mother and family, but everyone has been on my ass about getting married. Asking why I'm not married....well shit if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't single now would I?? That's the thing, I'm not looking to be married or to spend the rest of my life with someone. Most men don't settle until they're in their mid-40s. I don't want to wait 20 years for some guy who may just want a fling instead, or may not want kids but by then it'll be hard to even fathom children in the first place. I just don't have the patience to do so. Then, I already had my heart broken, not once but twice and a third time would be way to hard and difficult and I just can't risk that again. Even if I wanted to try hard and go for it, if it fails no ones going to be there to comfort me and tell me it's going to be ok.

All this made sit there and write Indisputably the other day. I'm tired of always see-sawing my flaws and who I am as a woman with these men who can't make up their minds and stick with that thought and see it through from start to finish.

I would like to think my parents raised a lady who was not only marriage material but I understood what a good relationship was and how it should be. However when I was trusted into the real world expecting my fairy tale ending. I got more straight to video and only available in certain countries type endings that were sad, dramatic and faker than Barbie herself. I'll be honest and say I didn't understand it, and I still don't. I will say I know sex is an important form of physicality between two people and it shows how much you care and connect with that person. Says even more when a child is born from such a beautiful union. However if its just foreseen as an exercise and nothing more but pleasurable for him and him alone then I don't need to participate. You're not going to even attempt to try hard and appease me. But that's how selfish people act and do.

Now I had some guy from across the waters who told me we going to meet someday and one day we would wed. I told him no and I wasn't interested. After what took at least 10 tries before he understood. He felt that I was going to move to where he was, and marry him. Because he said I needed to be changed to hat he liked and it was going to be done all for his love of me. HELL NO!! That's number one and number two I'm not marrying you, you will not make me into something I'm not, you will not force me to love you. Not only was he taking my choice and option to love someone but he's outfitting my life and me as a person to suit his preferences. It pissed me off. Me was belligerent and crazy and I'm happy he finally got the pictures and leaves me the hell alone for good. I mean how do you meet someone and the you're head over heels in love with them and want to marry them?? Like I said I think they just want a green card and think all American girls are stupid or dumb.


A few months back, I came across this article about how if a woman isn't married with kids by 30 she's failed at life [Read: “Any Woman Over 30 With No MAN Or No KIDS Has FAILED At Life”]. But like the woman said who wrote it, marriage isn't meant for everybody and it shouldn't be treated like everyone has to do it. I for one think its become over rated and making people crazy. How can you blame a woman for not being married when the men are the ones giving more than mixed signals?? And when the fuck did Life become school?? I didn't know we were going to be graded on our very existence. It makes me sick to know people in this world actually use this as a predetermined judgement against all women.


I'm in agreement that not all men are bad. However when you have more than less of the majority fucking it up for all men and those that are good or worth it are picking up the wrong women. Yes it creates a negative visual image. I think instead of us to go by looks, traits or personality characteristics. They should inform us that people aren't perfect, pick the person you want based on compatibility and stability. Never say that one night of fun won't become a nightmare because it will and it can. However that's not the case and we're influenced not only by the wrong things but by things that shouldn't be conveyed to the public in the first places. Like this:

Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

I thought this was an interesting excerpt from the bible. That a woman's sorrow is to multiply as well as her conception and bring forth children. Her only desire should be her husband whom will rule over her. Not to be rude to those who are religious. But I find this not only offensive but really fucked up. So because eve ate the apple, you made her have the ability to have kids, to only love one man and that man is to tell her what to do because he is her king or ruler??? I'm sorry but I just can't accept that bull. I mean it's allowed for a man to take on multiple partners if marriage isn't prohibited. But wrong for a woman to do the same and if they did the repercussion was death by stoning. What kinds of sense does that make?? Maybe it's me since I'm not full believer in religion and not that I'm judging. It just seems to more hypocritical than sanctified.


I wish people would get off this marriage and relationship kick. Stop blaming those who are single, we didn't become single on our own. We didn't become bitter on our own either. No one seems to have an answer when you've even lied to, betrayed or abused in any way form. No one knows how to help pick of the piece of what's left of your heart an put them back together and correct your tarnished life. You definitely can't get those years you've wasted back either. Maybe for the future children's sake they get past this being a requirement to live life out here on planet Earth and let them grow and become who they were meant to be and then worry about finding the perfectly imperfect person to love and cherish them until the end of time. Definitely lay off the fairy tales. However until then, I don't want none of these Paper Gangsters.


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